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Feeling so insecure and frustrated


katiekat3586

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I left my husband whom I’ve been with for eight years last April because he was controlling and extremely abusive. I had to get a restraining order and it’s been a pretty rough year for me. I recently started dating someone. we don’t have a title but we are committed to each other. He is not great with communicating his feels at all. I often don’t know what he’s thinking. I’m really good at expressing myself And I’m pretty in tune with my feelings. But I’m also a very damaged insecure person and I have two school-age children. I moved into an apartment by myself three months ago and I don’t have a lot of a support system. I work and I’m with my kids. I don’t really have a lot of extracurricular activities going on and so I am home a lot it feels to me as if he really likes me I mean that is extremely apparent we like each other very much but he doesn’t make any effort To try to make plans with me I’m always the one who’s making the initiative and I have the whole time and it feels like he has no problem making time with his friends to do things ahead of time but it’s like pulling teeth to get him to do anything with me I have to ask him if he wants to come over I have to ask him if you wants to hang out on a weekend and I don’t like that but I think he’s used to having his own thing and he’s in different clubs in a part of different programs and he’s got you know a lot of good friends and here I am entering in his life And I don’t have anything going on so I feel like I’m always waiting around for him to want to see me and I know that looks probably pathetic I really don’t want to be the type of woman that sits around waiting for him to let me know and I feel like that does give an unequal power to the relationship and I’ve expressed that the stuff bothers me and that I’d like him to be the one to make the initiative to make plans and his response was well if you expect me to make plans with you it’ll be last minute because I don’t make plans 3 or 4days ahead of time. which to me just sounds like bull. we’re both in our 30s I have kids(he does as well but they don’t live with him.) I have to make plans in advance because of that. And it seems like he always has something going on on weekends so I feel like I have to let him know I am free. He comes over a couple times a week after they go to bed and will leave early in the morning so

A my kids won’t see him and B he has to be up early for work. so my kids have not met him. I just feel like maybe if I had more activities and things going on in my life, I wouldn’t be so anxious to see him all the time. I just don’t know how to do that when I have kids and I don’t really have any family. I have one friend. I feel like this situation is making me feel like because I think he knows that if he wants to see me then I’ll be down. so it’s not like he has to make much of an effort. I don’t know how to fix that. Should I not ask him to come over anymore? when he does ask if he can see me, tell him I’ve got things going on so that way he won’t think I’m so readily available. I do really like him and he is very good person I just think that this is super new for both of us and he’s been single for a long time. I just don’t want to lose him by being insecure but I also don’t want end up ending it because I am frustrated and feel like a side note. I was with him all last weekend. Which was great BUT I had to ask for that to happen. And I can’t get past a comment he made before about the last girl he was with. he spent every weekend with her and then she just stop talking to him. he didnt know why. my kids were going to go off and do other things this weekend so I asked him last night(thursday) if he had any plans for Saturday and he tells me all these plans he has for the weekend. Why is it that he can make plans in advance with his friends but not me? I just don’t feel like much of a priority.

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It's been your mistake to not wait for him to make the effort after you've taken your turn doing so. If he failed to, which he obviously would, then you should make a quick exit, since he is showing he's not as invested in you. You're dragging in a fish who doesn't want to be caught.

 

First things, first, if you're a "damaged, insecure person," you shouldn't be dating until you resolve that issue, because you will attract, and be attracted to, inappropriate men. If you can't afford therapy, read books on how to achieve self love.

 

Dump this guy, because he's just not that into you. He likes his booty calls. That's it. Concentrate on you and your kids right now. Take them to local parks. Join a Mommy and Me group. Get out there and meet other mothers. Maybe you can eventually trade babysitting hours with some of them, so that you can begin a hobby you're passionate about.

 

It is important to have a fulfilling life besides having a boyfriend, so that your sole social universe doesn't revolve around him. Be patient, work on yourself, and leave the idea of romance on the back burner for now. You'll thank yourself later when you're better prepared for that part of your life and it ends up being more successful, or you see the red flags sooner and end things immediately. You're not there yet. Take care.

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Sorry about the thorny feelings.

 

Reading your post, I think you diagnosed the main issue here, which really doesn't have to do with this guy, wherever it goes. It's that you're isolated and have yet to really rebuild your life, independent of a man, which is critical to being able to share your life with someone without anxiety. Your words: I just feel like maybe if I had more activities and things going on in my life, I wouldn’t be so anxious to see him all the time.

 

I would really listen to that, as you just gave yourself wonderful advice. Remove him from the whole equation—pretend, I mean, that you don't know him, never met him—and odds are you'd be a little anxious, a little lonely. Whoever we are on our own is who we are inside a relationship, just magnified. More troublesome is that when we lean on romance to be our main activity—our source of joy and meaning—we're just about guaranteeing an anxious romance, since to give anyone that kind of power is to disempower ourselves.

 

Does that make sense?

 

In terms of the specifics with this guy? I'm of the belief that the moment we are gauging someone's "effort" is the moment we are in something that is not working—for us. Best way to channel that is to put in more effort ourselves—not toward the relationship, but to securing ourselves. Do that, and you'll find that the right people stick and the wrong ones fall away, without it being so fraught. That's all dating is, after all, a screening process in which we see what works for us.

 

This guy might not work for you, and while that's sad, it's okay. But big picture: I think this relationship has already shown you something very important, which is that you need to make an effort to have more going on in your life, so you can be who you want to be in your own skin and alongside another person.

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I would strongly encourage you to build up you own life, regardless of relationship status. Get to know yourself again as an independent woman, find out what makes you tick (hobbies, interests, new skills) and focus on developing those and fostering new friendships.

 

But the other issue I see here is a man who's just not that interested, I'm afraid to say. It sounds quite one-sided, with you putting in the effort and him just showing up when it's convenient for him. He's been clear that he doesn't like to plan in advance and prioritizes other people and activities. This is an incompatibility and a mismatch in interest levels.

 

I personally don't see this ending well, regardless of whether you pull back or not. It might be best to accept that you two don't have mutual goals here and go your separate ways before it drags you down even further.

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I hear you on having kids, but no family around. It's really hard! We don't have family around either, but we are fortunate to have a great sitter who also works at our daughter's daycare. How old are your kids?

Can you start doing playdates with friends or join mom groups? I know they usually have lots of activities and classes for the kids that are fun and great to meet other people. Not sure if I missed it, but do you not share custody with your ex-husband?

Regarding the guy, have you ever asked him to plan the next hangout? Maybe he thinks you are busy with the kids, so it'd be easier for you to come to him? I have a friend like that. I reach out if I want to hang out, because my schedule is usually more packed, but it's something we're clear on. Talk about it with him?

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I would strongly encourage you to build up you own life, regardless of relationship status. Get to know yourself again as an independent woman, find out what makes you tick (hobbies, interests, new skills) and focus on developing those and fostering new friendships.

 

But the other issue I see here is a man who's just not that interested, I'm afraid to say. It sounds quite one-sided, with you putting in the effort and him just showing up when it's convenient for him. He's been clear that he doesn't like to plan in advance and prioritizes other people and activities. This is an incompatibility and a mismatch in interest levels.

 

I personally don't see this ending well, regardless of whether you pull back or not. It might be best to accept that you two don't have mutual goals here and go your separate ways before it drags you down even further.

 

Unfortunatly, I agree here. It is your current situation, and your belief in yoruself as a damaged insecure person, that makes you what they call 'low hanging fruit'. This allows guys just looking to have someone on the back burner they can toss a bone too from time to time while they do what they want. He can get sex and company with you when he wants because you will hang on hoping he is the cure for your situation. It is also likely he has several similar women scattered around, and likely one he prefers to spend time with on weekends.

 

There is a cure for you being damaged and insecure...it's you. You have to work on yourself to lift your self assigned status and feel better about yourself. You have to get on with your life without an outside 'saviour' to fix it all for you.

 

Cut him loose, as he will continue using you for whatever he can get from you, and that will only damage you further.

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I’ve talk to him many times about the fact that he doesn’t plan anything with me. He lives like two minutes from my house. I’m starting to get the clear indication that perhaps he’s not invested as I am

 

Imagine if you put the same effort into trying to get him to put in effort into yourself. New hobbies, cultivating new interests, meeting people in friendly situations. Rather than feeling drained, you would likely feel full. Rather than feeling damaged, you would likely feel repaired. And in all that? You would likely find that the last thing you want from romance is to feel like you have to tug someone along, but rather to meet someone who simply naturally compliments who you are, and how you live.

 

In other words? You do have the time and energy, even in your tough circumstances, to improve your life, make it more rich. You're just putting that energy in the wrong place: another person rather than one who needs it most—you.

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I think that you should cut this guy lose. Have you met any of his friends? Are your dates always at your home?

 

I would have a big problem with someone who never initiates plans, and his priority is clearly with others. He does not value you, and sees you as a convenience.

 

Have you sought therapy for the abuse? When you are in a better place, you will make better choices. This guy is not a good choice.

 

You need to expand your life. Go to Meetups, volunteer, get involved in old and new hobbies, anything. You need to do something, as this is your life, and you need to make it full for you and your kids.

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I’ve talk to him many times about the fact that he doesn’t plan anything with me. He lives like two minutes from my house. I’m starting to get the clear indication that perhaps he’s not invested as I am

 

His actions show it all. He does not care and is using you for sex. You need to stop allowing this.

 

You need to address why you have stuck around and what you have gotten from this. It does not sound like any type of relationship.

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Sorry to hear this. There is a lot of fallout after extricating yourself from an abusive situation. Isolation and decreased self confidence are a part of that. Read up on abusive relationships and look for support groups in person and online.

 

Also rebuild your life with classes courses groups clubs and work. Reconnect to old friends. Announce to anyone who s distanced themselves from you that you finally left your husband. Try to befriend neighbors regulars in your and your kid's lives.

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Check out the book Codependent No More - you might find it very helpful and insightful in terms of learning how to let go and avoid toxic relationships while you develop a happy life for yourself where toxic men don't have chance to enter, let alone become your whole focus and fixation.

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Thank you for your vice I really appreciate you taking so much time to write that out. And you’re 100% right I think I’m just very lonely. I’m in a new town starting over and is the first person I’ve liked in a year since I left my husband and I haven’t dated in 8 years. I tend to put myself in a situation where I’m a doormat and I know that I deserve better than that and I know the only way I’m going to get it is if I respect myself first it’s just incredibly hard

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Inhale, exhale...

 

Honestly? I think what you’re showing on this thread is a lot of strength—not the stuff of damage, but the stuff of someone who has taken some licks and is seeing what she needs to get back into her skin. Great. Celebrate that for a moment because it’s (a) real and (b) has nothing to do with this guy.

 

Saying you’re not ready, and owning that truth, is a far more awesome place to be than pretending you’re ready and trying to prove that falsehood with a dude who isn’t delivering what you need. If you needed this chapter with this dude to see all that—well, so it goes. Not the stuff of fairytales, no, but also not a sad story if you can see it from one angle and walk in the right direction.

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I’ve talk to him many times about the fact that he doesn’t plan anything with me. He lives like two minutes from my house. I’m starting to get the clear indication that perhaps he’s not invested as I am

 

I have to agree with you there. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I wouldn't let him spend the night while your children are home. It doesn't matter if they're aware of him being there or not, it's just an all around poor choice, (imo).

 

Rather than allowing this guy to freeload and signing yourself up to be his booty call at his leisure, it's time to set the bar at a higher level.

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I absolutely agree. Thank you. I keep going back reading everyone’s comments because it makes me feel strong. I know I deserve better then be treated as disposable, I have a lot to offer someone but I’m not giving it to myself yet. I’m so good at seeing the best in others and giving other people the patience and kindness and compassion that I do not give myself. Clearly if I gave that to myself I would have not ignored when I felt the red flags. It’s not like I haven’t seen them. I don’t think I’ve ever really been in love and at 34 I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life going through this.

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Thank you for your advice I appreciate it. I am in therapy and have been for the past six months he does take me out on dates we’ve got a bunch of times to eat and I met one of his friends briefly but it’s just hard because I have my kids most of the time so it’s not like we can go out very often and he has his own life as well. I am trying to get more involved in other things it’s just hard because I don’t have a babysitter and I don’t really have family I’ve already tried to involve myself to volunteer for things and I just can’t do it

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I really love these last two posts of yours. They're raw, honest, hopeful, human. There's hurt in them, no doubt, but there's fire, too, and a lot of heart. All the best ingredients for life, the things that make you you, right now.

 

Above all? There's a lot of self-awareness, which I like to think of as fuel for change. Just needs to be enriched, kind of like how oil is turned into gasoline. Takes some time and intention—some work—but it can be done. It's worth it.

 

That love you want to experience? I know it sounds like a Hallmark card, but the hard truth—the science of it, even—is that it begins with you, meaning the love you experience with and from another will only ever be as deep as your love for yourself. That is the person to date right now—you!—the person to discover new layers of, to revel in and fall for. Part of that isn't so romantic, as it means digging into some emotional weeds and pulling them out by the roots. Lonely stuff, in the beginning. But there is real joy in that, once you get going, no different than gardening: a chore for the first 20 minutes, then pretty satisfying, even downright fun.

 

I'm sure this guy is...well, okay. Not a monster, not "using" you. But the brass tacks are that it's a connection that is draining you more than it's filling you up, and you've already been there, in those sorts of connections. You're looking for more, yearning for more, and you can already see that, describe it. Wonderful. But, alas, you've got to own it, fully, which is harnessing that awareness into action, oil into gas. Once your own engine is purring you'll be interested in different kinds of road trip companions, if that makes sense.

 

You're 34? To me that is very young. Probably not a lot of comfort in those words—and, sure, I'm biased, being 40, and particularly biased in that it took me until 39 to experience a kind of love and connection (first with myself, then another) that I've been yearning for...well, since high school. Still, if you do the hard math, you really are still just getting started in the business of life, which means you have a lot of time to change the story, to write new chapters that don't mimic past ones.

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I did ask for advice so I’m going to try to take this nonjudgmentally. He was never “free loading” and I never was a booty call. We’ve gone and done things together and been on many dates. I’ve stayed at his place and he stayed at mine. Whether or not it was a poor choice of mine to have him over when my kids were in bed that’s something I guess I have to figure out for myself. I don’t think he’s right for me.

I think he gave me was his best. But his best just isn’t good enough and frankly neither is mine at this point.

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I talked to him tonight about it. We aren’t going to see each other anymore. you’re right. It is no type of relationship and I think what I got out of it was just to feel better about myself and clearly that didn’t happen and made me feel worse.

 

Well sometimes it's not so much that someone doesn't like you but maybe they're just not feeling that strongly about you. Maybe this guy enjoyed your companionship but it's what you call "casual". I think if someone never has time for you then it's pretty clear you are not a priority in their life. I think you made the right decision. If you go on online dating there are plenty more guys on there. But try not to get too attached because online dating can be pretty brutal.

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