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I've been with my boyfriend for 8.5 years. We have lived together for 6.5 years (I am 30 btw). When we were in the early years of our relationship my bf told me he wanted to propose at around the 2 year mark but I told him to wait until I finished grad school as I didn't want to be engaged and plan a wedding while in school. I graduated last May 2019 and in the summertime we went on a vacation during which I thought he would propose. I realized that he didn't know what kind of ring I wanted, which isn't really his fault as neither did I. I had never really thought much about an engagement ring so we went ring shopping/browsing and after I realized what I liked I shared photos with him to help give him an idea. He later asked for my ring size, stone shape that I preferred, etc., and told me that sometime before Christmas he would propose.

 

A few weeks before Christmas his one friend told me that my bf would be proposing by Christmas time--his friend told me this without me even asking. Christmas has come and gone and there is no proposal. Should I bring this up to my bf again? I am not an overly obsessive person when it comes to marriage, but if we plan to get married I would like to do it sooner than later as I want to start a family in the next few years (as does my bf). I would propose myself but I don't want to potentially ruin anything he has planned. Thank you for any advice! - Rochelle

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Why don't you just tell him that his so called friend (big mouth) told you that you would be engaged by Christmas and you're wondering why you aren't?

 

Kidding..

 

sort of...

 

Two choices you have. Wait it out or ask him when he wants to get married.

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Why don't you just tell him that his so called friend (big mouth) told you that you would be engaged by Christmas and you're wondering why you aren't?

 

Agree. Mention what the friend said. Even if your boyfriend has something planned, he doesn't have to tell you what, just that something is or isn't on the way.

 

Communication is key. Just talk to each other.

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Have a nice, kind, calm discussion with your boyfriend, Rochelle. Be completely honest with him and tell him how you feel. You have every right to know what his intentions are. You're not overly obsessive. 8.5 years together is a long time. You have every right to know if a proposal is in the near future or if you're just the girlfriend forever.

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I think surprises are overrated. My husband and I discussed marriage and picked out rings together. No pomp and circumstance. No proposal. Maybe even with photos and all the info, he's still anxious to get exactly what you want. I know my husband gets stressed at Christmas with anxiety of what he's going to give me. I basically tell him exactly what to buy and I don't care that I know what I'm getting. If it takes away his anxiety, I don't care.

 

If you have a particular month you want to get married in, tell him, and that you need time to plan before that. Ask him if he's more comfortable going ring shopping together and foregoing a surprise proposal. If you can't comfortably discuss all of this after being together almost 9 years, then really how strong is the relationship? I'd rather get the exact ring I want than for it to be a surprise and perhaps he misunderstood what I wanted in a ring that I have to wear forever. That's me though, and others might want a fairy tale proposal. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Sorry to hear this. Is he just coasting along? He knows that you want to get married, but seems to be using the karat and stick approach with you. Are you sure he even wants a future with you specifically not just "one day I want a family".

 

It seems you have very poor communication and are not on the same page. What's more important to you, being married or a ring, proposal etc. Unfortunately you have no leverage, so what are your alternatives?

I've been with my boyfriend for 8.5 years. told me that sometime before Christmas he would propose. if we plan to get married I would like to do it sooner than later as I want to start a family in the next few years
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This story sounds familiar. I think a lot of women were expecting a ring on Christmas.

 

I hate to tell you this, but men are often not as interested in marriage as women. However, many men will come along in time. Don't be so quick to throw in the towel.

 

It's only been a few weeks. You've waited this long.........give it some more time.

 

If nothing happens in a few months, talk to him. If that does not work, you can pull out the big guns - leave him for awhile or cut off sex. Perhaps then, when he realizes he has something to lose, he'll finally see the light.

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I would wait a couple of months. Give him some time. If within 2 months I would ask him then. I know you want marriage but play it cool and don't be too pushy. Sometimes the road less traveled will lead you to you destination. Have some patience and I know that's easier said than done.

 

8.5 years of dating/living together and two years since she graduated and you suggest she wait even longer? Okay!

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You seem a wee bit too focused on the ring and the party. After all this time together and living together here is what I would do. Ask him when he wants to be married by -meaning if not the actual date then the month. Hopefully the date will be within 6 months. Then when you have the date plan on the ring -either go shopping with him or otherwise or show him what you like if he asks. Then I'd plan to get married and then after that you can plan a party to celebrate the marriage within the year.

 

If you are set on a wedding reception that is large and takes a lot of time to plan I'd suggest you reevaluate why that is so important to you.

 

I'll share two examples. I got engaged around October 10 and married the first weekend of December (over 10 years ago). We had an awesome wedding and small celebration. My friend got engaged first week of November (a few years before I did) and two days later was run over by a city bus. She was hospitalized and in rehab for months. She planned her wedding while she was in rehab. They had a large party -very fancy -and got married in September. She told us she planned the whole thing in about 8 weeks. While in pain after her accident. Don't let a focus on the party make you lose sight of your goal of being his wife.

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P.S. never cut off/use sex as a bargaining tool. it does NOTHING to keep you both emotionally connected when you pull stunts like that.

 

I agree. Childish manipulative tantrum throwing or punitive actions have no place in a mature, loving and respectful relationship.

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I hate to tell you this, but men are often not as interested in marriage as women.

 

Sorry, Gar, but that's not a true statement.

 

I remember one man I dated very briefly years back, was desperate to get married. He started talking about it on the second date! It freaked me out so much that there was no more dates.

 

I have had women friends whose boyfriends were pressuring them to become more serious and as well had men friends who were depressed that they couldn't find a wife.

 

So not all men are cut from the same cloth. There's lots out there who want a spouse.

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I see what you are saying. I suppose what I forgot to mention was that in the fall, we made a large move from the west coast of North America to the East coast. We did this for our jobs and our families are on the east coast (we moved out west 6.5 years ago for my education).

 

Can you clarify as to how I have no leverage? Thank you!

Sorry to hear this. Is he just coasting along? He knows that you want to get married, but seems to be using the karat and stick approach with you. Are you sure he even wants a future with you specifically not just "one day I want a family".

 

It seems you have very poor communication and are not on the same page. What's more important to you, being married or a ring, proposal etc. Unfortunately you have no leverage, so what are your alternatives?

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haha my dad's birthday is on the leap year so I hope not! I also personally would not want to be proposed on a holiday/occasion... not quite my taste!

It's a leap year so you could go ahead and ask him!

 

Is your birthday coming up soon?

 

You need to talk to him about this.

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Thank you for your reply but wow! I feel like this post was slightly morbid--I was NOT expecting that and I am so incredibly sorry for your friend but glad she is ok. Anyway, we have discussed a wedding, we want to do destination, we have friends and family all over the world and this suites our personality best. I don't want to actually get married until at least 1.5-2 years from now but since we have decided destination I would assume we should figure out venues, etc., so we can send out save the dates within 6mo-1y so people can schedule it if they plan to attend and need time off work.

 

You seem a wee bit too focused on the ring and the party. After all this time together and living together here is what I would do. Ask him when he wants to be married by -meaning if not the actual date then the month. Hopefully the date will be within 6 months. Then when you have the date plan on the ring -either go shopping with him or otherwise or show him what you like if he asks. Then I'd plan to get married and then after that you can plan a party to celebrate the marriage within the year.

 

If you are set on a wedding reception that is large and takes a lot of time to plan I'd suggest you reevaluate why that is so important to you.

 

I'll share two examples. I got engaged around October 10 and married the first weekend of December (over 10 years ago). We had an awesome wedding and small celebration. My friend got engaged first week of November (a few years before I did) and two days later was run over by a city bus. She was hospitalized and in rehab for months. She planned her wedding while she was in rehab. They had a large party -very fancy -and got married in September. She told us she planned the whole thing in about 8 weeks. While in pain after her accident. Don't let a focus on the party make you lose sight of your goal of being his wife.

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yeah I don't know if I agree with Gar. My bf has been asking me more about marriage than I have. I have never thought much of it as I was very focused on our life living together, the adventures and travels we always do, as well as my education. But now that my schooling is complete I feel I am ready to move forward with our relationship. I suppose I should just talk this through with him in more depth. thx!

 

Sorry, Gar, but that's not a true statement.

 

I remember one man I dated very briefly years back, was desperate to get married. He started talking about it on the second date! It freaked me out so much that there was no more dates.

 

I have had women friends whose boyfriends were pressuring them to become more serious and as well had men friends who were depressed that they couldn't find a wife.

 

So not all men are cut from the same cloth. There's lots out there who want a spouse.

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Thank you for your reply but wow! I feel like this post was slightly morbid--I was NOT expecting that and I am so incredibly sorry for your friend but glad she is ok. Anyway, we have discussed a wedding, we want to do destination, we have friends and family all over the world and this suites our personality best. I don't want to actually get married until at least 1.5-2 years from now but since we have decided destination I would assume we should figure out venues, etc., so we can send out save the dates within 6mo-1y so people can schedule it if they plan to attend and need time off work.

 

Well no not morbid -they did marry and they have an awesome son.

It sounds like the reception and how it's planned and the location is very important to you and your boyfriend and you're happy to wait years to get married to have the type of party you two want. In my head the party has nothing to do with the desire to be married or getting married so it's hard for me to relate to this type of focus/prioritizing (I guess teenagers yes - my mother and my high school friend each had very long engagements because they got engaged as teenagers and needed to finish school first). I am not judging it just I can respond about marriage and weddings - I planned a huge wedding reception once for a couple of months but we didn't get married -and I have many friends who prioritized a certain kind of party and waited to get married for over a year to have what they wanted to celebrate their marriage - but that to me is about party planning not about marriage).

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