What type of personality disorder is this:

[figureitout23]

Fugureitout, this is not my post. I simply commented on the post because he asked for input. I am not on this forum seeking advice, and have not in the 18 months I've been here. Therefore, your thoughts about me are irrelevant- this post is not about me in any shape or form.

 

And yes, I do attract narcissists like a magnet. And I am not currently dating one. Im doing my own healing and reflection. But if I DID go back to one, why is that your concern? And on this person's post?? I suggested that the poster move on and seek therapy and healing. And if you read my first paragraph, I said the same thing you are implying. Diagnosing someone is pointless. Reading is fundamental.

 

So If you are looking to simply debate with me, or give me unsolicited advice, then please move on. I said what I said and I stand by each word of it. I have an opinion just like everyone else so your dialogue with me is really useless. Have a great day.

 

Ps. The narcissists that were in my life admitted they were narcissistic. They just didnt care. So again, I had no need to diagnose anyone.

 

Completely understood, you’re right I mainly see you pop up when buzzwords like ‘narcissist’ or ‘personality disorder’ are spoken then you give a play by play of what your ex did to you sprinkled in with ‘advice’ which really is just more buzzwords.

 

My response to you is because honestly you seem incredibly stuck. If you wish to remain in this space it is your right though, apologies.

 

P.S. unless all of your exes went to Drs to get diagnosed, take their words with a grain of salt, but that’s neither here nor there, again it’s very concerning that you attract so many of these types, what have you done to change your trajectory?

[Rose Mosse]

When there's this much resentment and lost time, I can understand you wanting to label it. It's like putting a name to a big bad monster that's been haunting you for awhile and then exorcising it by name. It's all very cathartic.I don't think there's any harm in calling the big baddie by name but eventually, you've got to get tired going around and around in circles chasing that monster. Eventually that joke is going to be on you because you can't let it go. (or let her go). Good job for realizing that this doesn't really matter in the thread - the mental illness idea. I think you've come quite a way since the first page.

 

Get up, get out of it and don't mope. It's finished. Be glad. Fill your life up with new and better things.

 

Sometimes being humble about it is everything too. You're not God. You're certainly in no control over everything (none of us are!). You can't explain everything that she is or that you are. Simply accepting and forgiving go a long way. Forgive yourself too and accept that you've made mistakes in all of it just as she has.

[Wiseman2]

Unpack all this in therapy. That's an enlightened and private space to do whatever marriage postmortem you may need to do for closure.

Thanks. Kids are all grown and gone. I'm focused on myself. It is very hard.

[smJackson]

Figureitout,

 

I do not jump on every post where I see the keywords narcissist. I have a 6 bedroom 4000 sq foot home to pay for, as well as a sophmore daughter in college that I support and another daughter on a professional dance team. I actually have a life outside of this site, and a full time job. I have responsibilities. I am not on this site nearly as much as you are, that's for damn sure!! Lol

 

I am not stuck. I am still in recovery, but I am thriving since I have removed myself from the abuse.

 

I have a vindictive narcissistic ex who is still mad about his loss of control over me- and who is still trying to create drama for me. If anyone is "stuck" it would be him. I mainly come here to vent and yes, I do sometimes include what I went through as my experience is relational to the topic at hand. I suggested that the poster moves on and focuses on himself, rather than attempt to diagnose a disordered individual.

 

As far as what I am doing different, I am staying away from all men. Period. I am taking time to learn who I am, and what I want and dont want. I'm doing my research as well. But I am learning to love and validate myself- most importantly.

 

Sometimes, its just good to let people know they are understood and they have support- even if I dont have any step by step advice for the poster.

 

Just so that you know, i am on the high functioning end of the spectrum. I maintain stable employment, and I am drug free and drama free. If I wanted to engage in more drama and chaos, I'd take my abusive exes up on their offers to reconcile. But I have too much too lose these days.

 

I am wise enough to know they just want sex, revenge and to be the one to discard ME- because their fragile egos cant accept the fact that a borderline they became complacent with using and abusing finally found the strength, self love and self worth to cut them off once and for all.

 

I am not my disorder and it does not define me. When I am done, I am done with you for a lifetime. And yes, I will vent here as needed. The thread that I use the most specially says, "Post here instead of contacting your ex." So why are you so concerned anyway? You sound like drama yourself, honestly. You have too much time on your hands to pick apart everyone's comments and threads. My last post about my ex earned me some reputation points too. Fyi. Thank you for taking the time to read my post history here too. Again, you really need a life. Perhaps an interesting one.

 

Any other questions??? My inbox is open so please respect the poster of this thread and let him get the help that he has requested and stop making his post about little old me. Peace!!

[Starlight925]

I agree with the other poster whose opinion is that your ex has borderline personality disorder. The drama, the chaos is all normal to her, and she thrives on all of it. I have this disorder myself so I understand some of her actions, others not so much. But what would having a diagnosis on her accomplish? What difference does it really make in the scheme of things?

 

She is a cluster B personality, and her wanting you to constantly chase her- (in her disordered mind) shows her that you still love her. When you stop chasing her- that "means" you dont love her anymore or see her as worth the effort. So she will seek attention, "love" and validation elsewhere. When you stop chasing her, she will ultimately "abandon" you and the relationship. Your job is to validate her and when you stop doing that job- she will have no more use for you. She cannot self validate so she will find someone else who will.

 

I'm sorry that you went through that rollercoaster of a marriage. Her emotions are rollercoaster-like unfortunately; and whomever is around her has to hold on tight for the ride. I am glad that you got out of that situation, and you need to stay out of it. She has a low self awareness level and therefore will unlikely change. Dont let her use you as a backup plan when her other conquests fail. Get yourself into some counseling so that you dont find yourself in another toxic dynamic with a different woman with the same traits.

 

Borderlines can very be addictive; most of them are very attractive, intelligent, highly emotional and high energy people. They are also impulsive, unstable and unpredictable. The highs feel great, but the lows are devastating, and that's how you may have become trauma bonded. So I understand how you feel and 20 years of the drama, chaos, highs and lows have affected you greatly- hence, my reason for suggesting counseling.

 

I spent 21 years with my narcissistic ex husband because he always chased and validated me. He jumped through hoops to please me, and I still cant get rid of him. So I understand the push/pull dynamic that you were in all those years.

 

Take this time to focus on yourself and figure out why you found her toxicity so appealing.

 

I have plenty of codependent or narcissistic exes that have tried to "come back" to me over the years. Unpredictable and complicated women like us with various mood/ personalites are never boring-- and often fun to be around. Our unpredictability keeps men guessing and on their toes at all times. Bpds are free spirits. They have seen and done a lot in their lives so they have plenty of stories to tell. Those constant highs and lows produce hormones in the brain that are often likened to drug addictions. So I understand that you need time alone to decompress and recover. Good luck to you.

 

OP, I think this is great insight from smJackson, given that she has been diagnosed with BPD herself. It is highly rare for a person who has been actually diagnosed with a Cluster B disorder to have the insight to not only admit it, but to openly talk about it, and from such a place of understanding. smJackson isn't the focus of this thread, but I want to point out how much this post resonated with me, as I hope it will with you, OP.

 

She is giving you great insight as to the mind of your ex, and the "jump through hoops" games that they play. As I had said earlier, think back into your childhood, as to who exhibited these characteristics, which will lead you to your why. Understanding this is the key that will unlock the why, which will help move you to your next place, which is recognizing the signs so that you can stay where you are, instead of becoming wrapped up in another web of this, with someone else.

 

With smJackson saying she has a lot of narcissistic exes, I completely relate. It wasn't until I got some good therapy and understanding that I realized just why I was so attracted to narcs/BPD's, and what was keeping me stuck there. There is so much info out there on the internet, plus so many great therapists, that can help you with this, and you feel this sense of peace.....this balloon floating away, when you finally find the key that opens up your understanding. Yes, the word "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot, as does "BPD", but there is so much new understanding with these disorders, as Cluster B stuff is being rewritten, as we speak. It's the understanding, figuring out your "why", that will move you to a new, sane place.

[smJackson]

Thank you Lhgirl for your support. I was simply empathizing with what the poster has gone through. I understand how he feels and he also gives me perspective on how I may have made men in my past feel. Thanks again Lhgirl!!

[figureitout23]

Dm sent :)

[Realitynut]

I'm borderline too...and have never been in a loving, stable relationship. I'm not in any relationship now. Even tho it's what I wanted most in my life...I'm afraid I'll never attain it. I'm going to be 65....and realized I was BPD after a mental health friend of mine suggested I was. (going thru menopause didn't help any!) Before that..i never even HEARD of BPD. The first thing with Borderlines, and it sounds as if your wife and you came to the conclusion she was BPD...or HAD BPD...how did she feel about that. You said you went to counseling about 9 times, then you guys quit talking. Years went by and then she thought she was all OK? I became very depressed when I found out i was...thought I'd be too damaged to date. The negatives surrounding BPD's ran rampant. But it is a spectrum illness....and your wife sounds as if she was a highly disfunctional one! I try to rationalize that I am a functional one! lol

 

Seriously...don't get 'hoovered' back in. It doesn't sound as if she's admitting to any wrongdoing. You stay away. You get healthy. Best luck to you.....and really, best luck to her...because she'll need it. It's a lonely life. (what you want the most in life....a stable loving relationship...you fear will never happen....because it never has..._)

[DKA]

Whoa.

 

I've dated your wife—once for eight weeks last year (with last two being along the lines of what you described) and once for a year when I was 26 (with most of it being like you described). So I guess you could say I've taken a few hits from the pipe you've been smoking for 20 years. Is there a diagnosis for her? Probably. Is there a point? I don't think so—and you're clearly smart enough to know that that's the point you're trying to get to in this post: when it doesn't really matter what was up because it's over, finally, for real.

 

That will take real time, as you also know. Just keep riding these waves, while reminding yourself that these questions (about her) are questions you'll never be able to quite answer. Remind yourself that they may be a proxy for questions you're still not quite ready to ask yourself about yourself. And then remind yourself that that is okay and human. Time. Time is handling this, or is at least going to do the heavy lifting for you.

 

But, hey, here we are. You're spinning around, I'll riff a bit.

 

Were I to diagnose your wife I'd diagnose her as a human with a pretty high-octane mind (and, I'm guessing, a pretty pretty exterior housing unit of said mind) but no real core. I'm not talking about the core they build in yoga or pilates (or at church or on pro-gun/anti-Muslim websites) but the kind of deep core that some people just do not have. She was born without that and uses the high-octane mind to fill that void. But that void is not like an empty can, but like a can with no top or bottom. Everything pours through it, without sticking. Yoga and guns pour through it, along with love and hate. Self-awareness pours right through it.

 

Speaking in broad brushstrokes, people with low-octane minds and no core are pretty harmless; think of the proverbial couch potato. But the person with a high-octane mind and no core? Oh, quite dangerous, because there is something compelling about it all, the illusion of so many things that aren't actually there. And the person with the high-octane mind, no core, plus an exterior that is attractive? Hiroshima, in human form.

 

The sharpest minds in the field of psychology do have a term for these people, but it's so complex that they never share it at conferences or in textbooks, but only amongst themselves. Interestingly, that term is also one that gets thrown about plenty by laymen of all station and stripe—the term, say, and I'm just spitballing here, a boss uses when the wife of one of his employees calls up and goes off the handle. "What a total a$$hole!" says the boss, much like those Nobel-tracked, diagnostic diamond cutter psychologists talking shop in the wood-paneled den.

 

That may be the beginning and end here, hard as that is for your high-octane mind to come to terms with. Two decades of your life drawn to an a$$hole. The writing was right there on the wall in year one, graffiti by year three, and impossible to read shortly after because by then all the walls were rubble and your eyes, ears, and nose were clogged with dust. So much dust, and so much time spent acclimating to breathing in that dust, that you couldn't quite see the writing on the wall even after the intermission, because by then you were, as they say in back alleys, hooked on the dust. And you still probably are, a bit, with this post a kind of twitch of withdrawal.

 

And you know what? It's all okay. Somewhere along the way there was a lot of fun—and, I'm hoping, no shortage of heat. And in everything that was not fun? In that there was something you needed too, if only to get to this part: the part where you can isolate what that something was so you no longer need it. Keep twitching, in short.

 

For a guy 90 days returned from World War Three you sound good. Raised a kid who respects you. Good career. A high-octane mind and, according to my radar, a pretty phenomenal core. It's been bent and bruised something fierce, for sure, but you're tapping into it right now, giving it some nourishment where it had grown accustomed to mistaking starvation for a buffet. Stay that course, keep walking in the direction you're walking in, ask every question you need to ask, feel everything you need to feel.

 

I'm sorry for this chapter—or for the present pain brought on by your past, I should say, because in reading what you wrote I can't help but feel that you are in the early days of what you will look back on as the start of what you will be too busy diagnosing as a really, really awesome juncture in your life to think too much about diagnosing your ex or any other woman.

 

You pretty much hit the nail on the head with your descriptions. I am usually at a loss of words and writing skills to describe the situation(s).

[DKA]

OP, I think this is great insight from smJackson, given that she has been diagnosed with BPD herself. It is highly rare for a person who has been actually diagnosed with a Cluster B disorder to have the insight to not only admit it, but to openly talk about it, and from such a place of understanding. smJackson isn't the focus of this thread, but I want to point out how much this post resonated with me, as I hope it will with you, OP.

 

She is giving you great insight as to the mind of your ex, and the "jump through hoops" games that they play. As I had said earlier, think back into your childhood, as to who exhibited these characteristics, which will lead you to your why. Understanding this is the key that will unlock the why, which will help move you to your next place, which is recognizing the signs so that you can stay where you are, instead of becoming wrapped up in another web of this, with someone else.

 

With smJackson saying she has a lot of narcissistic exes, I completely relate. It wasn't until I got some good therapy and understanding that I realized just why I was so attracted to narcs/BPD's, and what was keeping me stuck there. There is so much info out there on the internet, plus so many great therapists, that can help you with this, and you feel this sense of peace.....this balloon floating away, when you finally find the key that opens up your understanding. Yes, the word "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot, as does "BPD", but there is so much new understanding with these disorders, as Cluster B stuff is being rewritten, as we speak. It's the understanding, figuring out your "why", that will move you to a new, sane place.

 

Yes, I agree. Insight from someone who can openly talk about it is invaluable.

[figureitout23]

So what’s your next step DKA?

[smJackson]

Realitynut,

 

I've come to realize that the negative stigma attached to bpds are real. If you admit to being a borderline, you will be bullied here, targeted here or otherwise just flat out ignored. Or you will have someone like figureitout inboxing you and telling you that you dont matter and that nobody cares about your opinion anyway. I think it's time for me to find a new forum where bpds are not judged so harshly because of what someone else did to them. Peace to you Realitynut and I'm sorry that you have had the similar struggles that I have had.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, I am in therapy and working through all of the issues others have mentioned regarding my [lack of] boundaries, what brought me into the relationship to begin with, why I stayed, etc. I know more about fundamentalist religion and psychology than I ever wanted to learn unfortunately, but believe I'm healing well and building up a support network. FWIW, writing this down in one bulk sitting was eye opening. One incident in and of itself isn't a big deal, but as a whole is crazy. I see that. Trust me when I say this was the tip of the iceberg. But it happens in such an insidious manner over time that its exhausting. Ironically, I built a successfully career over those past 20 years, so I have no regrets about having sacrificed that at least.

Contact has been broken completely. I have maintained a good relationship with my adult child and adult step-children.

Good to hear. In time and with working on yourself with the help of a therapist, you'll have a good chance of overcoming the emotional fallout that your war-zone of a marriage was.

 

@SMJ

I've come to realize that the negative stigma attached to bpds are real. If you admit to being a borderline, you will be bullied here, targeted here or otherwise just flat out ignored. Or you will have someone like figureitout inboxing you and telling you that you dont matter and that nobody cares about your opinion anyway. I think it's time for me to find a new forum where bpds are not judged so harshly because of what someone else did to them. Peace to you Realitynut and I'm sorry that you have had the similar struggles that I have had.

You are painting figureitout black because she has an opinion on your post. Is that not a symptom of most BPD's? Painting them black over a perceived attack on you? I'm not sure why you are taking it to heart so vehemently when its just an opinion of a stranger on the internet.

 

I would love to hear what your "narcissist" had to say about the relationship you had with him. Don't most BPD's paint their ex's black as well only to pull them back in when the "narcissist" leaves (abandons)?

 

Anyway: There are two sides to every story after all. I hope that you can see that an opinion is just that and that taking it personally isn't doing you any favors.

 

Peace to you, SMJ... and you DK. Glad you are looking after yourself with the help of a therapist.

[Rose Mosse]

Sorry - I have to speak out here. I think it's ridiculous to try and diagnose mental illness over the interweb with a bunch of strangers. Come on. We're not fooling anyone here how silly this all is especially when it starts getting a bit personal. This thread should really be closed.

[smJackson]

Thatwasthen, it's not safe here for me anymore. I havent painted anyone black, I feel targeted here. I will remain silent. I may stop by to read posts from time to time though. My chronicles here are now complete. Peace!!

[ThatwasThen]

Thatwasthen, it's not safe here for me anymore. I havent painted anyone black, I feel targeted here. I will remain silent. I may stop by to read posts from time to time though. My chronicles here are now complete. Peace!!

 

I'm sorry to hear that. Your experience, I think, can be invaluable to many people.

 

Your choice of course, but I hope you reconsider.

[chitown9]

In the past, when posts got off track from the original post, the thread would be closed and/or those who derailed the post were admonished.

 

To the original poster, all this craziness became your normal and you could not really see the forest for the trees while you were in it. However, the more you are removed from it, the more you will question why you stayed. I think using extreme caution when entering a new relationship with a woman, goes without saying. Maybe just take a rest for now and regroup. You need to put all this behind you before you can enjoy a "normal" relationship with a woman. chi

[DKA]

To the original poster, all this craziness became your normal and you could not really see the forest for the trees while you were in it. However, the more you are removed from it, the more you will question why you stayed. I think using extreme caution when entering a new relationship with a woman, goes without saying. Maybe just take a rest for now and regroup. You need to put all this behind you before you can enjoy a "normal" relationship with a woman. chi

 

Yes, thanks. Craziness as normal is a good analogy.

[DKA]

it sounds as if your wife and you came to the conclusion she was BPD...or HAD BPD...how did she feel about that? Years went by and then she thought she was all OK? Seriously...don't get 'hoovered' back in. It doesn't sound as if she's admitting to any wrongdoing. You stay away. You get healthy. Best luck to you.....and really, best luck to her...because she'll need it. It's a lonely life. (what you want the most in life....a stable loving relationship...you fear will never happen....because it never has..._)

 

She never mentioned it again and we never talked about the therapy. It was the oddest thing. As with most of our conversations, up was down and down was up and just when you thought it was one way or the other, she would change the rules. It was a constant game.

[bluecastle]

You said I hit the nail on the head with some descriptions. I'm curious if part of that nail was the reference to heat, to you finding her, well, hot. I mention this not to downplay the nuanced analysis here, or the general importance of diagnostics in the world at large, but because I am a big believer that sometimes the simplest explanations are the road to peace.

 

Every description of every psychological condition—from BPD to OCD, from sociopathic to autistic—will contain a number of qualities that are appealing: intelligence, adventurous, fastidious, charismatic, sensitive, and so on. Great stuff for a dating profile. But what is it that really boils the blood in our animal selves? It is someone who makes our blood boil with attraction.

 

And when we find that we will quickly do a lot of math—sometimes far too much math—to subtract some very obvious shortcomings or incompatibilities in order to keep that blood boiling. There is a lot of beauty to that. There is also a lot of danger. So I ask: Do you think you would have put up with 80 percent of what you put up with if she didn't boil your blood?

 

While my romantic history is pretty healthy on the whole—the story of big, warm loves ending with bad timing intercut by interludes of singledom that were lovely—I have three experiences in toxicity. One is very brief and near cartoonish in the level of drama, with the brevity a testament, I think, to my own health. Two were multi-year, with one being pretty cliché (contestant tumult) and the other a kind of benign toxicity that didn't (at least for me) feel like living in a madhouse (until it became malignant, and I played chase-my-tail in the madhouse for a few months before getting out). If there is a through line there, though, it's that I found those three women ravishing in a way that was out of the ordinary.

 

Do I suspect a psychologist could have a lot to chew over with those women? I do. Have I done some of that chewing myself? I have, along with putting myself under every diagnostic lens conceivable to understand it. And some good came out of all that—some darkened rooms in my own psyche were lit up, so they weren't so powerful when I stumbled into them. I became more aware of the "bad" version of things I am naturally attracted to, which made it easier to seek the "good" version. I learned to let my inner mathematician to get excited about more than pheromonal sensations.

 

Still, attraction is a very real force. My healthiest relationships have contained it as well, not really in a from that is any different from those toxic ones. It is the baby that can't be thrown out with the bathwater or dodged through diagnostics, you know? When my last big relationship ended—the benign-to-malignant one—I was asking a lot of the same questions you are: about her, about myself, dragging us both over every coal and into every petri dish conceivable. A good friend of mine said something like, "BC, she was super hot, but just not as cool as you thought. That's what happened." He was right—though, yeah, it took me over a year of therapy to be able to be able to go to sleep with that being the nuts and bolts of the story.

[DKA]

You said I hit the nail on the head with some descriptions. I'm curious if part of that nail was the reference to heat, to you finding her, well, hot.

 

 

By hitting the nail on the head, I was referring to your entire post. I'm not quite that eloquent and you described what I wish I could say. As far as the latter part; yes, that was part of it. But like every other aspect of the relationship, it was always inconsistent, not quite good enough, dismissive, you name it.

 

Your question prompted me to think back and I would say it was probably the first thing I had to detach from in order to break free. I began to see the inside of the person more than the outside. Very insightful, thank you.

 

She's hoovered back twice in the past day now for financial reasons. Just when I thought we were done......

[Starlight925]

She's hoovered back twice in the past day now for financial reasons. Just when I thought we were done......

 

She can only "hoover" you back if you allow her.

 

Keep your communications extremely brief, and to written email communication only. Block her from your phone so she cannot text. If she emails you with some sob story, simply respond with the answer to her question, only. "I'll send payment on the 23rd". Period!!!

 

The fact that you are still allowing her to do this shows that you haven't gotten to the reason you allow it. Without typing my entire other post again, please, find a therapist who is well-versed in this stuff and can help you get to the root of it.....your childhood.....as to why you're allowing it.

[boltnrun]

By hitting the nail on the head, I was referring to your entire post. I'm not quite that eloquent and you described what I wish I could say. As far as the latter part; yes, that was part of it. But like every other aspect of the relationship, it was always inconsistent, not quite good enough, dismissive, you name it.

 

Your question prompted me to think back and I would say it was probably the first thing I had to detach from in order to break free. I began to see the inside of the person more than the outside. Very insightful, thank you.

 

She's hoovered back twice in the past day now for financial reasons. Just when I thought we were done......

 

You are done when YOU decide you are done. You are not yet done because you refuse to block her. When you get tired of this life, you will block her.

 

Until then, this will continue.

[maew]

Realitynut,

 

I've come to realize that the negative stigma attached to bpds are real. If you admit to being a borderline, you will be bullied here, targeted here or otherwise just flat out ignored. Or you will have someone like figureitout inboxing you and telling you that you dont matter and that nobody cares about your opinion anyway. I think it's time for me to find a new forum where bpds are not judged so harshly because of what someone else did to them. Peace to you Realitynut and I'm sorry that you have had the similar struggles that I have had.

 

I feel incredibly sad at this... we are so quick to label people and all it does is promote that negative stigma and shift the focus from ourselves to them as the target for all of the problems in a relationship.

 

This doesn't by any stretch mean I think the OP doesn't have valid feelings about this, it sounds like he went through torture, but he isn't doing himself or his ex any favors by spending what valuable time he has left trying to figure out what is wrong with her. He needs to figure out what to do to heal, looking at those dark places that kept him in this situation for this long and expose them to the light so this doesn't have to happen anymore.

[ThatwasThen]

She's hoovered back twice in the past day now for financial reasons. Just when I thought we were done......

All communication should be through your lawyer at this point. What is missing in YOU that you would not have blocked and deleted her after deferring her to your lawyer?

 

Can you tell us a good reason why you haven't blocked her so she can't get through to you?