Please help me make a decision. Your advice is so appreciated!

[bluecastle]

I can't help but feel that part of your dilemma right now, or perhaps the heart of it, is that you are torn between two poles. I'm not talking about geography, but something deeper. One is a view of love and partnership that made perfect sense at 21, the other is a view that has come into focus at 28—as you have come into clearer focus, to yourself.

 

We can berate your boyfriend as a selfish, stubborn, and controlling, but I don't think much good comes from that. He's responding to a dynamic that the two of you have built, together, over a significant period of time. You seem to want a new dynamic, having outgrown your dynamic. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's not always possible to rewrite the code with the person you wrote the first code with.

 

What brings us a sense of excitement and comfort at 21 is often quite different than what we need at 28, at 30. Being liked, being adored—these things feel profound when we're young. Being seen, being heard, being an equal—these things become more profound with age: not the icing on top, but the foundation of love and partnership rather than things wrestled out of love and partnership.

 

I feel for you, for your both. You have a lot of history, but rich history is not a guarantee for a rich future, nor a foundation for one. You may need more from a "soulmate" today than you did when you were just coming out of adolescence, and you may have needed this soulmate, and this chapter in your life, to recognize that. If he can't see you where you are today, and if you can't feel seen—and vise versa—you may have some very hard questions to ask.

[Wiseman2]

This is the guy who wanted you to deposit money in an account that he but not you has access to?

[boltnrun]

Sad and I also have the realisation that I need to grow in this area. Why do I feel the need to compromise my own needs for others happiness, does it stem from my own deep-rooted issues etc.

 

You are codependent and believe you are personally responsible for his happiness. I presume someone important to you withheld love or made it conditional upon what you did FOR them and you've concluded that you can only be loved if you give and give and give.

 

But that's not how healthy relationships should be. It should be equal give and receive.

[melancholy123]

Yes, to a degree I guess. Hence the unwillingness to compromise I guess. I guess in a way I am questioning, well why should I move. Why can't he move here if he wants to be with me. Why is it only one way.

 

I dont see why you have to be the one to give up a job you enjoy to move where he lives and he wont entertain moving where you are despite the fact he is self employed. To me that means he can take his job with him. He does sound way too controlling. Why is this all on you?

 

If I was in your shoes and comfortable in my own skin, doing what I like, having "found" myself, and working in a job I like, I'd say good bye to this guy. It cant be all about him, which seems to be what he wants. The fact he once wanted your money in an account you cant touch is outrageous. I'm glad to hear you have your own account.

[Cherylyn]

Hi Cherylyn,

 

 

Thank you for offering your insight. I agree with you on the financial independence and it's nice to hear other opinions because I was seriously doubting if what I wanted in all of this was selfish, but for the first time in my life I feel financially secure and I have little stress. You're helping to make me realise that it's not selfish to want financial independence and it's okay to enjoy my work, despite his opinion on it all.

 

Never doubt what you want is selfish because it is not. You're looking out for your own financial survival and nothing is more important than sound economics. Without steady money coming in, you cannot enjoy life. Enjoying life means everything is taken care of such as work, your job and livelihood. Financial security is always first and foremost and #1. Think logically.

 

Your partner is not making sense nor thinking straight. I would never follow what he says. Never.

[Loanieee]

I can't help but feel that part of your dilemma right now, or perhaps the heart of it, is that you are torn between two poles. I'm not talking about geography, but something deeper. One is a view of love and partnership that made perfect sense at 21, the other is a view that has come into focus at 28—as you have come into clearer focus, to yourself.

 

We can berate your boyfriend as a selfish, stubborn, and controlling, but I don't think much good comes from that. He's responding to a dynamic that the two of you have built, together, over a significant period of time. You seem to want a new dynamic, having outgrown your dynamic. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's not always possible to rewrite the code with the person you wrote the first code with.

 

What brings us a sense of excitement and comfort at 21 is often quite different than what we need at 28, at 30. Being liked, being adored—these things feel profound when we're young. Being seen, being heard, being an equal—these things become more profound with age: not the icing on top, but the foundation of love and partnership rather than things wrestled out of love and partnership.

 

I feel for you, for your both. You have a lot of history, but rich history is not a guarantee for a rich future, nor a foundation for one. You may need more from a "soulmate" today than you did when you were just coming out of adolescence, and you may have needed this soulmate, and this chapter in your life, to recognize that. If he can't see you where you are today, and if you can't feel seen—and vise versa—you may have some very hard questions to ask.

 

Thank you, you offer some very deep wisdom to the situation. I appreciate this so much, it really eases a lot of my confusion around why I am feeling the way I do, and why I don't want to just do what I may have done when I was twenty-one in our relationship. I do have some very hard questions to ask myself.

[Loanieee]

I dont see why you have to be the one to give up a job you enjoy to move where he lives and he wont entertain moving where you are despite the fact he is self employed. To me that means he can take his job with him. He does sound way too controlling. Why is this all on you?

 

If I was in your shoes and comfortable in my own skin, doing what I like, having "found" myself, and working in a job I like, I'd say good bye to this guy. It cant be all about him, which seems to be what he wants. The fact he once wanted your money in an account you cant touch is outrageous. I'm glad to hear you have your own account.

 

Thank you, I do have some hard questions I need to ask myself and as @bluecastle put it, what once served me early in my twenties may not anymore. It's time to rethink the whole situation.

[SherrySher]

Which choice causes you more stress? Moving or ending things with him?

 

But to be honest, he's not the man for you, at least not anymore. You wouldn't have to work this out if he were the right choice..you'd just go.

You're hesitating, to me, that would say that you have outgrown each other and have now taken different paths.

 

I think in your heart you already know the answer, you just have to come to terms with it now and let him know that it's time to pursue your own lives...separately.

[Izdevalid]

I suppose it really all depends on you. I've been in these situations and most of the time it did not end well. We ended up going our separate ways.

[Sportster2005]

 

So basically, do I leave my job, security and comfort for the man I love, see it as an adventure and have faith that it will all work out.

 

Or give up the person who means so much to me because I would rather settle for what feels comfortable.

 

Please help.

 

Sounds like a false dichotomy to me. I think you need to explore ALL alternatives and explore the myriad outcomes of different alternatives. You have yourself wrapped in a dilemma of your own making. And you should consider so with your partner. He might be adamant as an opening negotiating position. Not smart, but predictably human.

[melancholy123]

Thank you, I do have some hard questions I need to ask myself and as @bluecastle put it, what once served me early in my twenties may not anymore. It's time to rethink the whole situation.

 

Yes you do have some hard questions for yourself. I think you've had a lot of good advice and opinions here, you seem to have woken up to seeing both sides of this issue. I am nowhere near like the person I was at 21 or 28. We all change and grow as we get older.

[Gary Snyder]

Good. But, it still demonstrates that he does not trust you and is controlling as hell!

 

 

 

- Bingo. This guy is a control freak. If you want to live with him, be prepared for a living hell with this man.

[Andrina]

What you see as him loving you so much, his hurting from being long distance and no longer willing to do so, an impartial third party sees as: He's willing to let you go very easily if you're not willing to sacrifice your job and sense of well-being (job satisfaction and financial stability) for him.

 

Being self-employed and "capable" of making a lot of money in a short time is always very risky business. Plus, he probably pays more for medical insurance and doesn't have any company pension plans and matching retirement plans, etc. Life is, of course, expensive. I have a secure job with a pension, retirement savings, and I'm still thinking I will have to work part time for when I want to retire from what I'm doing now.

 

When you started dating him, your brain wasn't fully mature, as that normally happens around age 25. Your must-haves in a relationship were probably not as defined as they should have evolved to at this point.

 

You two have far different views on finances, and this will be a constant form of stress if you stay together for a lifetime. Perhaps consider this as a youthful relationship you once enjoyed, but that you've outgrown. Take care.

[catfeeder]

There's no way that I'd cave to an ultimatum. His unwillingness to compromise long distance translates into forcing you to be under his control. I'd skip that. I'd tell him that I adore him, but he's not hearing that my job and my closeness to family are important to me, and I'd only resent him for insisting that I give it all up for no urgent reason beyond his lack of cooperation.

 

I'd see whether he's willing to allow me a few trips to visit over time where I can explore the surroundings, the place where we'd live, and potential job prospects before I decide whether I'd want to make the leap. If he balks at that, then I'd stop jerking my own chain about him being some kind of 'soul mate.'

 

Someone who isn't interested in your well being is not a great partner. You can fool yourself about that to your own detriment, but the time to learn it isn't AFTER you've ditched a job and a home that makes you happy.

 

Head high, and trust that if you and BF are a meant to be deal, he won't pull the rug out from under you just to control you and your choices.