My old friend and I

[SherrySher]

The thing is, we all run into walls with our partner at some point. And heck yes, there are loads of willing people out there or they are nice to look at or whatever.

 

But that doesn't mean you do it!

 

You find the solution within your own marriage and within yourself....not in someone else out there. Plus the guy you've decided to sext with isn't too great if he's cheating too..ugh.

 

Not nice, is it? Shady, low down, immoral.

 

If you're unhappy, go to your husband. If he tells you he can only give you x amount of sex, accept that and try to compensate with sex toys, or ahem..your hand.

 

If you still feel a burning need for more sex, start discussing divorce.

[SherrySher]

Debby, common sense is still there..you're choosing to ignore it...it's self control you've got a problem here with.

 

You need more of that.

 

This guy is trouble and he's helping destroy your marriage, he's not the good guy.

[smackie9]

Cheating is never a solution. Emotional cheating is just as bad. This guy is bad news and a distraction from common sense. The first step is to cut this guy off completely...he is not your answer he is only exasperating your problem. Secondly, take a good look at what you are about to lose..husband, family security, friends, family, etc. Once that's gone...it's gone. The grass is never greener on the other side. Once you remove yourself from this situation, you will be able to have your emotions and desires in check/under control. Last step is to get yourself into counseling to get your head on straight. Then have an honest talk with your husband, possibly seek out marriage counseling. IMO there is way too much at stake to give up the opportunity the save your marriage.

[HeartGoesOn]

I know that it is wrong. I do also know I need to quit while I’m ahead. I’m probably going to have a discussion with him and tell him it’s best if he deletes my number and we quit the texting for a while

 

I'm not sure why you feel the need to have a discussion with him, as your loyalty lies with your husband. Either way, my guess is you're not ready to let go, while at the same time denying the consequences of your choices/actions.

 

In short, I hope you find your way.

[SherrySher]

The grass is never greener on the other side

 

Absolutely. At best, it's dead grass spray painted green.

[Batya33]

Can I explain though I don’t know what it is about this other guy.

 

I can’t work him out at all

 

He acts not bothered but I can tell he must be for the amount of hours that he speaks to me.

 

I don’t know why he’s wanting to cross the line

 

You don't have to explain it. People generally move towards pleasure and away from pain. You are choosing to react to your feelings of attraction by starting to play with fire and if you let yourself overanalyze somehow you can tell yourself it's complicated and therefore since there's something complex there how can I help myself.

 

You can help yourself. You have a choice to make. Please don't choose to cheat. Think of your daughter when she finds out -she is 9 -such a tender age (our son is 10) - if you betray her father just so you can get naked with this guy how is she going to form normal romantic relationships? With you as a role model? Or at least she'll have a hard time and why subject her to that??

What I would do. Completely cut off contact with this person. He is not your friend since he is not supportive of your marriage. Then talk to your husband when you are calm. Do not tell him you were talking with the other guy. Simply tell him what you are feeling unhappy about. Propose that you speak to a counselor or perhaps even someone at your place of worship who you trust. You owe this to yourself and family.

[ThatwasThen]

Yep. I’m up for any responses. I will be honest.

That’s how I feel at the moment don’t tell me there’s not one person here who hasn’t felt like it .

STOP talking to him behind your husbands back. Talk to your husband about the sex drive discrepancy, buy a frigging vibrator, view more porn and masturbate yourself into oblivion but , don't slip down the slippery slope you're on with this wanker.

 

Good lord, think of the pain you will cause that beautiful man you chose to be your husband and the father of your child. Think of the mess this will cause if you keep up the superficial attention you get from a man that thinks the way he does.

 

Hang this up now before you've ruined your life, your daughters life and you shatter your husband into a shell of his former self.

 

Geezus.

 

I do agree with you that is is disgusting and sickening

 

But somehow when you’re in it...

 

Common sense has gone

Stop with the naive and lame excuses. You are embarrassing yourself.

[ThatwasThen]

I’m probably going to have a discussion with him and tell him it’s best if he deletes my number and we quit the texting for a while

"for a while?" Get real, that's hardly closing the door on the reprobate behaviour. All that statement says is that you're going to go on a sabbatical from it for goodness sakes.

[boltnrun]

Think about what will happen when (yes, WHEN) your husband finds out about your affair (yep, it's an affair). It will be messy and humiliating and your family will be torn apart.

 

Is getting a few orgasms worth all that?

[Capricorn3]

OP, I note this seems to be a pattern with you - re your previous thread five years ago. You really don't seem very happy in your marriage at all, hence all the crushing on other men etc. One has to ask, have you ever tried marriage counselling to help you two sort out all the issues going on the marriage? If not, why not?

[ThatwasThen]

I just read your other thread as well and I think you would do well to get yourself into personal therapy to find out why you have a need for the attention of men other than your husband.

 

What is missing in you that you seek out such attention and become addicted to the point that when they don't reciprocate, you become despondent or, like in this thread, you are afraid to let go of the rush (so you make lame excuses why you can't) you get from these dirt bags.

[Rose Mosse]

Perhaps your husband (or your marriage/life together) isn't as amazing as you think. The relationship doesn't seem fulfilling to you. You mentioned you've been together for 22 years. Were you with anyone else prior or is your husband the only man you've ever been with? I think you should uncover why you feel the need for attention from men other than your husband and ask yourself whether you're sexually fulfilled in your marriage enough to sustain a marriage. Either way, he deserves to know how much this is affecting you as it's his marriage that's on the line too. I think he ought to be given the (equal) chance to decide whether he wants to be in this marriage going forward.

[Debby39]

I just read your other thread as well and I think you would do well to get yourself into personal therapy to find out why you have a need for the attention of men other than your husband.

 

What is missing in you that you seek out such attention and become addicted to the point that when they don't reciprocate, you become despondent or, like in this thread, you are afraid to let go of the rush (so you make lame excuses why you can't) you get from these dirt bags.

 

You have hit the nail on the head there.

Described how I am to a T

[Wiseman2]

Get to a marriage therapist. Does your husband have ED? Have either of you let yourselves go? Talk about the breakdown of affection and sexual desire. Discuss having an open relationship. It sounds like he's not attracted to you and may be having affairs or wishing he could be with other women.

 

The thing with this friend has been going on for years. A lousy marriage and a bad sex life isn't made better by this fantasy/flirtation. It's a band aid. Just an escape from a boring lifeless loveless existence where both parties are checked out and going through the motions.

I do want to yes but I know that I’m not going to it’s just a few messages. He’s also in a relationship. No not permission I wanna just wondering if perhaps someone would come along who’s had a similar experience

[Debby39]

OP, I note this seems to be a pattern with you - re your previous thread five years ago. You really don't seem very happy in your marriage at all, hence all the crushing on other men etc. One has to ask, have you ever tried marriage counselling to help you two sort out all the issues going on the marriage? If not, why not?

 

No we have never had any counselling. I am happy I am, it’s just the affection/sex thing it’s not enough for me

[Debby39]

Get to a marriage therapist. Does your husband have ED? Have either of you let yourselves go? Talk about the breakdown of affection and sexual desire. Discuss having an open relationship. It sounds like he's not attracted to you and may be having affairs or wishing he could be with other women.

 

The thing with this friend has been going on for years. A lousy marriage and a bad sex life isn't made better by this fantasy/flirtation. It's a band aid. Just an escape from a boring lifeless loveless existence where both parties are checked out and going through the motions.

 

 

This ‘friend’ has since split up with his wife, he’s now been in a new relationship for 1.5 years. He’s a sex addict I think.

It’s just a band aid like you say I don’t think he has any feelings for me it’s just about sex

[Debby39]

No I don’t think they would’ve worth that

[Wiseman2]

What about you?

He’s a sex addict I think.

[Debby39]

Perhaps your husband (or your marriage/life together) isn't as amazing as you think. The relationship doesn't seem fulfilling to you. You mentioned you've been together for 22 years. Were you with anyone else prior or is your husband the only man you've ever been with? I think you should uncover why you feel the need for attention from men other than your husband and ask yourself whether you're sexually fulfilled in your marriage enough to sustain a marriage. Either way, he deserves to know how much this is affecting you as it's his marriage that's on the line too. I think he ought to be given the (equal) chance to decide whether he wants to be in this marriage going forward.

 

I have slept with 3 men in my life. But he’s been my only proper relationship since I was 18. So I guess yeah my whole life.

[Debby39]

Well maybe. We are both crackers I think.

[Debby39]

What about you?

 

Well maybe. We are both crackers I think.

[Debby39]

STOP talking to him behind your husbands back. Talk to your husband about the sex drive discrepancy, buy a frigging vibrator, view more porn and masturbate yourself into oblivion but , don't slip down the slippery slope you're on with this wanker.

 

Good lord, think of the pain you will cause that beautiful man you chose to be your husband and the father of your child. Think of the mess this will cause if you keep up the superficial attention you get from a man that thinks the way he does.

 

Hang this up now before you've ruined your life, your daughters life and you shatter your husband into a shell of his former self.

 

Geezus.

 

Stop with the naive and lame excuses. You are embarrassing yourself.

 

 

You’re advice is spot on. Now tell me how to get this idiot out of my head and crack on with it

[Wiseman2]

Although "sex addict' is a controversial "diagnosis", here's some info. It's usually described as 'hypersexual disorder'. Like other behavioral compulsions it has nothing to do with the subject at the center just as gambling isn't about money and eating disorders aren't about food.

 

https://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/features/is-sex-addiction-real#1

Well maybe. We are both crackers I think.

[Debby39]

Although "sex addict' is a controversial "diagnosis", here's some info. It's usually described as 'hypersexual disorder'. Like other behavioral compulsions it has nothing to do with the subject at the center just as gambling isn't about money and eating disorders aren't about food.

 

https://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/features/is-sex-addiction-real#1

 

I’ll have to have a read. Thanks. It’s more for me about being addicted to the attention as you know how it goes after your with the same person for years it’s not like it is when you start out and I know you can’t expect it to be.

[ThatwasThen]

You’re advice is spot on. Now tell me how to get this idiot out of my head and crack on with it

 

You stop talking to him.

 

You immediately change your thoughts of him when they pop into your head to something else.

 

You get yourself a hobby or other interests besides men and sex and you make yourself goals to reach that will spark your self-worth so that you no longer get your self-worth through the attentions of men.

 

You talk to your husband about the lack of romantic/sexual attention you feel you are getting and ask him what your both can do to up that attention to a point where it is closer to what you had during the honeymoon period of your relationship.

 

You book steady and ongoing date nights with one another where the focus is on each other and not your computer, the tv, or your phone.

 

You get back to basics with him make your marriage and him and he you the focus rather than the cheap thrill you are getting from other men.

 

If you are still unable to stop then you truly are addicted and you really should get to therapy to help you with ways to increase your self-worth by accomplishing things and setting and meeting goals. Right now these guys make you feel better about yourself so you are reluctant to stop the superficial and fleeting uplift to your self worth.