My old friend and I

[SherrySher]

Absolutely agree TWT.

 

Do you work Debby? If not, try to find a job, if not a job, volunteer. Help others, keep yourself busy, find a hobby, go jogging, yoga, swimming, burn off that excess energy in a healthy way!

 

You have attention, your husbands attention. Dates nights are crucial, as is the romance but you both must be willing to work at it. Marriage counselling could be quite helpful too.

 

But first things first, drop the deadbeat loser. He is doing nothing but being destructive to you, to your marriage and is helping to ruin your husband's life.

 

He wants to go mess around..good for him, bring yourself to a higher standard.

[Debby39]

Absolutely agree TWT.

 

Do you work Debby? If not, try to find a job, if not a job, volunteer. Help others, keep yourself busy, find a hobby, go jogging, yoga, swimming, burn off that excess energy in a healthy way!

 

You have attention, your husbands attention. Dates nights are crucial, as is the romance but you both must be willing to work at it. Marriage counselling could be quite helpful too.

 

But first things first, drop the deadbeat loser. He is doing nothing but being destructive to you, to your marriage and is helping to ruin your husband's life.

 

He wants to go mess around..good for him, bring yourself to a higher standard.

 

Yes I have a job. I also do the gym/ swimming etc. I’m generally busy.

 

I don’t really have my husbands attention and that is where this has started. I am so sick of being the one trying to initiate things all the time and it is really bothering me so I’m going to have to talk to him about this because I can’t go on like this.

[Batya33]

Yes I have a job. I also do the gym/ swimming etc. I’m generally busy.

 

I don’t really have my husbands attention and that is where this has started. I am so sick of being the one trying to initiate things all the time and it is really bothering me so I’m going to have to talk to him about this because I can’t go on like this.

 

No, your choice to play with fire didn't start by anything your husband did or didn't do. It started because you chose to act inconsistently with your vows to him. Don't blame the victim. Your other choice always was to talk to him about what you want/need and of course another choice is to leave the marriage and then date other people. If you go into this justifying your choice to interact with this other man at all then you'll get nowhere with working on your marriage if it can be revived/reinvigorated.

[Debby39]

No, your choice to play with fire didn't start by anything your husband did or didn't do. It started because you chose to act inconsistently with your vows to him. Don't blame the victim. Your other choice always was to talk to him about what you want/need and of course another choice is to leave the marriage and then date other people. If you go into this justifying your choice to interact with this other man at all then you'll get nowhere with working on your marriage if it can be revived/reinvigorated.

 

IÂ’m not blaming him I am taking full responsibility here I am the one completely in the wrong.

 

However I have tried to talk to him before and he doesnÂ’t really listen.

 

HeÂ’s not a bad guy IÂ’m not shifting no blame here.

[Batya33]

IÂ’m not blaming him I am taking full responsibility here I am the one completely in the wrong.

 

However I have tried to talk to him before and he doesnÂ’t really listen.

 

HeÂ’s not a bad guy IÂ’m not shifting no blame here.

 

You were in your last post -you wrote that the reason this happened was because you have to initiate everything. Thanks for clarifying.

 

You owe it to him to put your heart and soul into working on your marriage for a period of time -like maybe a year -if he is willing to speak to a counselor with you or a religious figure if that suits you -to go on dates or date-like activities. And ask yourself what "really listen" means - how are your listening skills? Be blunt with yourself about that -you may learn something about whether you're actually listening to him. Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

"My spouse doesn't understand me" is the classic excuse for affairs. You and this lover are both using it. A lousy marriage may be improved if you were willing ready and able to go to marriage therapy.

 

Having affairs is a quick shot in the arm for a high, but it's mirage. And...your marriage will not only continue to suck, it will appear to suck more in comparison and it will in fact start to suck more because you use an affair rather than address the problematic reality of things.

I don’t really have my husbands attention and that is where this has started.

[Debby39]

"My spouse doesn't understand me" is the classic excuse for affairs. You and this lover are both using it. A lousy marriage may be improved if you were willing ready and able to go to marriage therapy.

 

Having affairs is a quick shot in the arm for a high, but it's mirage. And...your marriage will not only continue to suck, it will appear to suck more in comparison and it will in fact start to suck more because you use an affair rather than address the problematic reality of things.

 

 

It’s just messages it is it isn’t an affair.

 

I am going to stop I have to grow up.

 

Just kind of loving the attention .

[Batya33]

It’s just messages it is it isn’t an affair.

 

I am going to stop I have to grow up.

 

Just kind of loving the attention .

 

It is not an affair. It's playing with fire.

[Debby39]

It is not an affair. It's playing with fire.

 

I know. I really do need to sort my head out.

 

I have done some thinking this weekend. Can anyone help me with their opinions on this guy too as I’m processing all my thoughts as to why, because he is not a very nice person. Thinking over it, the last time I spoke to him he made me feel like .

 

He’s telling me all this stuff he wants to do in bed but then he’s trying to come across as if he doesn’t like me that much, like what? Surely if you want to sleep with someone else you’d have to like them or why would you want to risk your relationship that you are in?

 

I don’t want to risk mine anymore. I’ve decided.

 

What he did though was I sent a pic ( Shame epic fail) but only a nipple and he promised to send one back then went off and basically didn’t go through with it. He’s like a ing child. Then I haven’t heard a word from him I won’t any weekend he’s with his girlfriend. But I don’t want to again.

 

What can I say next time he comes back with his bull? I’m done now. I don’t want to show any emotion any feeling nothing though he’s upset me but I just want to say it’s done in a cool calm way?

 

Any advice

[boltnrun]

Block him.

[Debby39]

Block him.

 

 

And say nothing?

[boltnrun]

And say nothing?

 

Like what?

[Batya33]

I know. I really do need to sort my head out.

 

I have done some thinking this weekend. Can anyone help me with their opinions on this guy too as I’m processing all my thoughts as to why, because he is not a very nice person. Thinking over it, the last time I spoke to him he made me feel like .

 

He’s telling me all this stuff he wants to do in bed but then he’s trying to come across as if he doesn’t like me that much, like what? Surely if you want to sleep with someone else you’d have to like them or why would you want to risk your relationship that you are in?

 

I don’t want to risk mine anymore. I’ve decided.

 

What he did though was I sent a pic ( Shame epic fail) but only a nipple and he promised to send one back then went off and basically didn’t go through with it. He’s like a ing child. Then I haven’t heard a word from him I won’t any weekend he’s with his girlfriend. But I don’t want to again.

 

What can I say next time he comes back with his bull? I’m done now. I don’t want to show any emotion any feeling nothing though he’s upset me but I just want to say it’s done in a cool calm way?

 

Any advice

 

I would simply block him. i'm sure he can figure it out. Since he has the photo which he knows can destroy your marriage basically or at least he can threaten to show it to your husband (yes even though it's not your face) interacting increases the risk. Of course he might get mad at you for blocking him but at least he then cannot contact you to instigate or escalate.

 

I think he would have sex with you because it would bring him pleasure and that's his focus -not you as a person. Sexual pleasure.

[Debby39]

 

What would you say?

[Debby39]

I would simply block him. i'm sure he can figure it out. Since he has the photo which he knows can destroy your marriage basically or at least he can threaten to show it to your husband (yes even though it's not your face) interacting increases the risk. Of course he might get mad at you for blocking him but at least he then cannot contact you to instigate or escalate.

 

I think he would have sex with you because it would bring him pleasure and that's his focus -not you as a person. Sexual pleasure.

 

He wouldn’t do that. Too gutless. We’ve done this before sometime ago. He wa married then too.

I do like him but I can see that he’s a using creep too but then so am I

[boltnrun]

 

What would you say?

 

I would block him.

[Batya33]

He wouldn’t do that. Too gutless. We’ve done this before sometime ago. He wa married then too.

I do like him but I can see that he’s a using creep too but then so am I

 

You have no idea what he would do or not at this time.

[Debby39]

You have no idea what he would do or not at this time.

 

Yes honestly I do.

 

He lives with his new girlfriend and the three kids.

 

No way on earth would he dream of telling her or my hubby.

 

I know this for a fact.

 

Why would he? He’s not looking to split me up is he?

 

He’s in this for sex eventually. And that’s all.

[Debby39]

 

I would block him.[/QUO

 

Ok then WHY wouldn’t you want to say anything?

I would like closure and to end it

[Batya33]

Yes honestly I do.

 

He lives with his new girlfriend and the three kids.

 

No way on earth would he dream of telling her or my hubby.

 

I know this for a fact.

 

Why would he? He’s not looking to split me up is he?

 

He’s in this for sex eventually. And that’s all.

 

OK if you say so. So my friend had an affair almost 2 years ago with a co-worker. Husband found out three months later. They divorced 8 months after that. My friend's affair partner was married -loveless marriage -and she told me he would never leave her because of the kids and that it was ok -that they were still in touch but the affair part was over. Now it's about 9 months later. He is legally separated, moved out of his house, and they are on vacation together right now. You never know. He's not married to this girlfriend, right? People do all sorts of things when affairs or potential affairs are involved. Also if girlfriend finds the emails/texts it at least buys you some time if she cannot contact you.

[boltnrun]

 

I would block him.[/QUO

 

Ok then WHY wouldn’t you want to say anything?

I would like closure and to end it

 

If I truly wanted to end it I would block him.

 

If I wanted to continue the affair (yes, it is), I would either insist on meeting in person or I would send a message and NOT block him, hoping he would say he doesn't want to stop and he really cares about me. I would pretend it was for "closure" but as we all know closure doesn't come from another person. If I went that route it would be because I value this affair more than I value my husband and family.

 

So, yes, I would just block him because I'd sincerely want this insanity to stop so I could save my marriage and my family unit.

[Debby39]

 

If I truly wanted to end it I would block him.

 

If I wanted to continue the affair (yes, it is), I would either insist on meeting in person or I would send a message and NOT block him, hoping he would say he doesn't want to stop and he really cares about me. I would pretend it was for "closure" but as we all know closure doesn't come from another person. If I went that route it would be because I value this affair more than I value my husband and family.

 

So, yes, I would just block him because I'd sincerely want this insanity to stop so I could save my marriage and my family unit.

 

 

Have you ever been in this type of situation?

 

No I don’t value it more than my family no.

[Debby39]

Also I know he doesn’t really care about me.

 

I do have issues, maybe I am insane

[boltnrun]

 

 

Have you ever been in this type of situation?

 

No I don’t value it more than my family no.

 

A man I used to date was living with someone else. He'd been seeing the both of us but we didn't know about one another. I figured out something was up so I stopped seeing him. A couple of years later he messaged me out of the blue, saying he "always" thought about me and the good times we'd had. I did some research and found out the woman he was still living with (same woman) was dying. He contacted me because he wanted to make sure he had sex lined up for when she died (I guess...). I was disgusted and refused to respond to his messages. I blocked him because I found both him and what he was trying to do repulsive.

 

No, it's not exactly the same but bottom line, if you truly want to end this you can block him and be done with it. Question is (and only you know the honest answer)...do you REALLY want to end it?

[Debby39]

 

A man I used to date was living with someone else. He'd been seeing the both of us but we didn't know about one another. I figured out something was up so I stopped seeing him. A couple of years later he messaged me out of the blue, saying he "always" thought about me and the good times we'd had. I did some research and found out the woman he was still living with (same woman) was dying. He contacted me because he wanted to make sure he had sex lined up for when she died (I guess...). I was disgusted and refused to respond to his messages. I blocked him because I found both him and what he was trying to do repulsive.

 

No, it's not exactly the same but bottom line, if you truly want to end this you can block him and be done with it. Question is (and only you know the honest answer)...do you REALLY want to end it?

 

 

That’s disgusting poor thing was dying what a pig.

 

I don’t WANT to end it but I need to look at why I am so sad and desperate, I have issues , but I AM going to. Like you say it’s a crazy situation and I don’t want to get in any deeper. I AM going to end it.

 

 

I’ve not felt myself for a few months and I sure need to sort my head out.