I Am Not Meant To Be In A Relationship

[katrina1980]

Is this really a man who doesn’t view her as an equal though?

 

I’m going to be honest, if I’m talking about marriage and children with a guy and he’s also discussing that then one day he’s like I want to move to London, completely on his own not taking my feelings into account and then I want

To change careers again no discussion just get out the way... Id pull back too.

 

I think most would.

 

Free spirit isn’t an excuse to just bulldoze him and his feelings.

 

And honestly you bashing him every time you get mad then poof everything’s fine isn’t cool either.

 

Exactly, you got it girl (more or less), owning it 100% -- hence the title of this thread!

 

Edit: And not that it matters, but we did discuss my pursuing law school -- it was in a previous post, perhaps you missed it.

 

He was all for it, 100% supportive, until he realized I was serious after I registered for the LSAT, at which point he took his support away and began withdrawing.

 

I don't think that is very cool either.

 

But like I said for the post part, you are absolutely right which is precisely why I don't think I am meant to be in relationship, at least not right now and probably not for a long time.

[Seraphim]

I am going to tell you part of my life . In the early part of my life my husband was in the reserves for 21 years. He had always talked about going REG FORCE but he talked about 9 million other things too . To be fair God didn’t even know what he was doing or thinking about . He wanted to be a teacher ,he wanted to be a Marine ,he wanted to be this he wanted to be that . And every time I would have to mentally adjust myself . It was freaking exhausting . Then one day in 2007 just after we had lost our baby he told me without even discussing anything with me whatsoever , “ I joined the reg force and this is what I’m doing and anybody who is in opposition to it including you can F off .” Without even discussing one thing with me he change my entire life . He changed where I would live ,he changed who I was around ,changed the fact that I do wouldn’t have a job anymore , I wouldn’t be close to my family . All without ever consulting me . And he wanted me to fully support him . 😳

 

 

Sometimes in the endeavour of “finding ourselves“ we leave a lot of collateral damage . I think your boyfriend has gotten to the point in life where he wants stability not new pages every few months .

 

 

I’m not saying you’re wrong or he’s wrong maybe you just don’t fit together .

[katrina1980]

 

I’m not saying you’re wrong or he’s wrong maybe you just don’t fit together .

 

Thanks S, I wholeheartedly agree with you. At least in part.

 

There are other issues at play here too, some I have touched on, some not.

 

But at the end of the day it all boils down to the same thing - I am not meant to be in a relationship, at least not a committed one, not at this time or maybe ever.

 

And I am OK with that.

 

Now I knew some would come down hard on me hard for my choice, or for being the type of person I am, like FIO, and I am okay with too.

[boltnrun]

It's confusing because literally yesterday or the day before you were extolling your wonderful relationship. Did his "pulling back" just happen in the past couple of days?

[Seraphim]

Just don’t mislead anybody about who you are . If you are someone who loves massive amounts of change don’t present yourself as someone who loves stability .

[katrina1980]

It's confusing because literally yesterday or the day before you were extolling your wonderful relationship. Did his "pulling back" just happen in the past couple of days?

 

Yes last Friday, after I told him I had registered for the LSAT. I was alone all weekend, he wasn't speaking to me.

 

Since then I have done a complete 180, as I am sure he has too.

 

Yeah our relationship had its high and lows that's for sure. Perhaps that was the appeal for me.

 

Not sure what happened but I think it's something I have been becoming aware of for a long time, hence all my anxiety which I have posted about on other threads. Reinvent touched on it, and I agree with her.

 

I do love him still, but I am at a point where I am ready to let it go and have a very strong feeling he is too.

[katrina1980]

Just don’t mislead anybody about who you are . If you are someone who loves massive amounts of change don’t present yourself as someone who loves stability .

 

Great point S, and yes I DO love change I actually thrive on it.

 

My bf knows that too, which is why him withdrawing whenever I try to implement change confuses me.

 

Doesn't matter, this thread wasn't really intended to be about him -- it's about me and how once again, I am not meant to be in a relationship.

 

I accept it, I own it.

[Seraphim]

Great point S, and yes I DO love change I actually thrive on it.

 

My bf knows that too, which is why him withdrawing whenever I try to implement change confuses me.

 

Doesn't matter, this thread wasn't really intended to be about him -- it's about me and how once again, I am not meant to be in a relationship.

 

I accept it, I own it.

 

Fact is obviously he does not like it . That’s what his withdrawing is trying to tell you .

[Seraphim]

See my husband loved change to all the time in every capacity and after time for me it was just like blah blah blah blah in one ear and out the other . Because all he ever did was flap his gums. And then he did a massive change without even consulting me . Even now when he talks about changing some things I don’t even look up or even discuss it anymore . Just becomes old news after a while .

[katrina1980]

Fact is obviously he does not like it . That’s what his withdrawing is trying to tell you .

 

All the more reason why we are not compatible, and our RL needs to end.

 

But again, not here to bash or criticize him. As I said in my initial post, he is who he is, he wants what he wants and he is entitled to have it.

 

As I want what I want which I am entitled to have too, so I can't very well fault him.

 

Anyway, I would really prefer to focus on the positive now; I am excited for this new endeavor in my life, and am going to put all my energy into that!

[boltnrun]

I agree that going your own way is a good idea. Particularly since it seems your go to reaction is to want to break up when there's conflict. The first time that I remember was when you found out he'd concealed his marriage, the second was when you wanted to go back to your ex after he took care of you when you were sick and now this time.

 

Maybe a friends with benefits situation might work for you (not with him lol). Companionship, someone to hang out with and have some fun sex but who won't involve himself in your life or interfere in any way with your goals.

 

What do you think?

[katrina1980]

I agree that going your own way is a good idea. Particularly since it seems your go to reaction is to want to break up when there's conflict. The first time that I remember was when you found out he'd concealed his marriage, the second was when you wanted to go back to your ex after he took care of you when you were sick and now this time.

 

Maybe a friends with benefits situation might work for you (not with him lol). Companionship, someone to hang out with and have some fun sex but who won't involve himself in your life or interfere in any way with your goals.

 

What do you think?

 

Yeah I do remember my posting about those things, seeking advice, as many of us do, even the majority of posters do when there is an issue/conflict in our relationships.

 

But I don't recall ever saying I was actually wanting to break up. I may have though, I don't remember and if I did, it was an emotional reaction.

 

But we patched it up, as many if not most relationships do after resolving a conflict. Is this a bad thing? I never thought it was, but maybe it is?

 

Anyway, I agree with you bolt. I need to go my own way. Not sure about the friends with benefits thing, I do love sex, and am a very sexual girl, so it may be something to consider.

 

But the dichotomy of my personality/nature is that I need to feel emotionally connected to even enjoy sex, so not sure how that will work being I have made the decision to be alone for now.

 

But I may feel differently in time. :)

[BecxyRex]

Have you seen making a murderer about Steven Avery? I haven’t followed up with the case after the show ended on Netflix, but his lawyer Kathleen Zeller (I think that was her name) fascinated me!

 

Good on you to have this goal and I wish you all the best pursuing it. It’s a bit inspiring to hear someone going back to school for such an intensive degree, as I’ve been thinking about getting a second degree myself. I’ll have to wait a bit until my daughter is older to be able to dedicate the time, but you’ve pushed me a bit further towards wanting to achieve this. So thanks I guess ;)

 

I know you’ve mentioned you’re not looking for advice on your relationship and by the sounds of it you’ve made up your mind pretty much to let this one go. I just want to throw out there that I don’t find his behavior to be very surprising, especially if you had talked about potentially having children. That career change would sort of throw that out the window for the next few years and depending on how excited he was about starting a family at some point, I’m sure it put a big damper on him. Anyway, it seems beside the point as this is clearly not what you want so it’s probably better to know this now than later.

 

Good luck to you though in pursuing this goal! I’m still fairly sure that you are indeed fine to be in a relationship, but perhaps not the kind you’ve been in. Never say never!

[Jibralta]

So perhaps I am growing out of this phase of being attracted to dominant men.

 

Dominant men, or domineering men? I think you'll be giving up the domineering men, the ones that use various tactics to keep you under their thumbs. Good for you for moving on from that.

 

Dominant, strong men don't resort to such silliness. They let us crazy ladies do what we need to do and remain secure in themselves.

 

I think you'll find that your ambitions will not preclude you from being in a serious, committed relationship. Over the course of my own career change, some of my strongest supporters were boyfriends.

 

Congrats on your decision and good luck with the LSATs.

[figureitout23]

Great point S, and yes I DO love change I actually thrive on it.

 

My bf knows that too, which is why him withdrawing whenever I try to implement change confuses me.

 

Doesn't matter, this thread wasn't really intended to be about him -- it's about me and how once again, I am not meant to be in a relationship.

 

I accept it, I own it.

 

I will hurt you before you hurt me.

 

I will leave you before you leave me.

 

I kinda get that sense, that you talk yourself up as a counter attack, to prepare yourself, any time there’s a major conflict, you both do typically work things out by while in the thick of it, your walls go up, to me, from what I see, and I don’t know maybe he’s doing it too, maybe that’s the disconnect?

[dias]

Jibs covered me on the "dominant" men part.

 

Kat, it will not be easy for sure but it's a good choice and the right one if your heart beats for that :)

[SherrySher]

Seems like your BF is happy when you fit into his bubble, his happy place where things go according to this plan, that direction. Law school? Not in the bubble. London? Not even close to the bubble. And when you even look outside the bubble, he turns away.

 

He may be looking for a lot of stability, someone who wants exactly the same type of life he wants, living in this place, doing these things, making these plans together. You may be too much of a free spirit for him.

 

Yes, exactly. I had a relationship like that once. He was a great guy, but he was more a free spirit and wasn't ready for a marriage or to be in one place. I on the other hand was the opposite.

 

Neither of us were bad people or were wrong, we just weren't compatible at that stage in our life.

It was all good. We remained good friends but didn't stay as a couple.

 

Sometimes life just goes like that.

[Rose Mosse]

Do what makes you happy. Everything else will fall into place including the right people/interests/etc.

[RayRay63]

I'm guessing Kat passed that exam and is busy studying law.

 

Best of luck to her.