Threesome went bad now I feel he cheated on me

[Fudgie]

I mean... if you were for real just sitting at the edge of the bed crying and raging, that's not a threesome. I'm not sure how even the most open minded among us could spin that. It honestly would have been 1000x more respectful had they just met in private and got sweaty with just the two of them. And that's not me condoning it. That's just how ****ty what they did was.

 

Exactly! It's not like she was actively participating. She was upset and was ignored.

 

I echo what others have said: I believe he's been having an affair with your friend and wanted you to agree to the threesome so he could be physical with her but not be "cheating". I think there is a LOT more to their relationship than you know.

[Rose Mosse]

This all seems very strange. Your husband doesn't seem respectful of you in general and I wonder if it's carried on throughout other areas of your marriage. I'm also not sure why he feels he needs the emotional support of a third party (outside of your marriage). She shouldn't be in your lives at all and this is no friend of yours if she's communicating with your husband about issues that you have very little idea about.

 

I'm very sorry this is happening. I don't feel this marriage is salvageable based solely on the total lack of discretion and respect.

 

I think it is possible to argue devil's advocate and explore different aspects but it's not realistic in the scope of a committed relationship. In other words, it's fine as armchair theorists but absolutely not ok in real life.

[Married10444]

Thanks to everyone who offered insight. I truly appreciate your opinions and suggestions. It helps me believe they there are still good people out there who are willing to offer advice /help/offer constructive insightful other people (even strangers).

 

I will continue with marriage counseling and see what happens. Again I appreciate everyone’s feedback as it has helped calm me and given me some suggestions and perspectives on how to process what happened, how to forward and how to focus on counseling and use it as tool to see what’s best for me going forward.

[Fudgie]

If you're going to go to marriage counseling with him, I would focus less on getting him to apologize and focus more on uncovering secrets and building trust. You need full transparency. None of this "my friend is his emotional support" BS. He needs to drop that and block her, same with you.

 

His lack of regret/remorse bothers me when he could see how much this 3some hurt you. It doesn't bode well, sorry.

[abitbroken]

The husband is certainly painted in a bad light here.

But after 20 years of marriage and the OP being ok with it that long. Is a threesome gone wrong really the issue?

 

If he asked and his wife says NO - a hard no - not a playful "maybe" with a giggle, it should be off the table.

I really think your marriage is over.

Your bf is a bad friend for allowing your husband to confide in her. She should be redirecting the husband to you or telling him not to call her - all communication happens only through you or with you present.

I have a feeling that something must be going on between them before the threesome and the threesome was just permission to cheat.

 

*******************************

[jimthzz]

OK, I think what happened is that you grudgingly gave permission for the encounter, then when you saw him enjoying intimacy with the other lady, it annoyed you that he did not cease and desist immediately when felt that he should perceive that it was not fun any more for you.

 

I am not giving him a pass for manipulating you into agreeing to it. However, from a purely mechanical standpoint, a guy can only penetrate one woman at a time.

 

And also, the friend was a new experience, which you agreed to. I doubt he was focused on you right at that moment.

 

Again, I am not saying this was a good thing for you to experience and you know now you should never have agreed to it.

 

I personally would never agree to such a thing.

 

But I can see that when lust takes over and it was a permitted activity, that it would be difficult to stop or even realize that there was a negative emotion to it.

 

Going forward? I'd call this a deal breaker for you.

[reinventmyself]

From what I see, your husband and your "best friend" were eyeing each other up for sometime now. She has been an emotional support to him?

 

Bull..they've been getting close behind your back.

 

This to me, looks all like a ruse for them to have sex and you okay it.

 

Both of them need to be ashamed of themselves for tricking you this way. You need to end the marriage and the friendship. I don't say that lightly either.

 

The both betrayed you.

 

it's been inferred but no direct question.

Each time . .or all 3 times he asked to have a threesome, was it the act of the 3 people he was solely after and/or was the best friend to be the 3rd participant the entire time?

[goddess]

OK, let's call a spade a spade. OP, you said " He said he is remorseful that he hurt me emotionally; but does not feel remorse (or even regret) about the event or his actions." What man on this planet would feel remorse after fuc*ing someone, married or single? After all, you gave him the green light to have a threesome, under duress, but nonetheless you did. However, I do understand where you are coming from. He insisted and you caved. I'm positive you didn't want to have that threesome but you agreed to please him. That was your mistake!!

 

I was in a similar situation in that my ex was into BDSM. I cannot describe how I loathe that lifestyle and all that it entails. Please be aware that I'm NOT saying that what he likes is wrong; it's just not for me. That said, he tried for many years to convince me to incorporate this BDSM/femdom into our marriage (we were married for 29 years). I told him repeatedly that it made me extremely uncomfortable. But, it was his mission to convert me. He bought me books, toys etc. Finally, I gave into him to "please" him because I considered it a compromise. B-I-G mistake on my part, really big. I found the whole thing disturbing and disgusting but I allowed myself to do it for him. What was I thinking?

 

These activities meant so much to him that we wound up divorcing because I refused to continue. He just needs that lifestyle and I was stupid enough to try. I think your husband is a bully for insisting for a threesome, especially when you clearly said no twice before. But, you are also to blame for agreeing to it (sorry). I am so sorry that you are going through this, truly I am. The only thing I can say is that you continue with the counselling. Will you ever be able to forget this horrible scenario? Will you every be able to forgive him? Only you can decide that. But, I will say that he has no respect for you or your sexual boundaries. Are you willing to stay with such a person?

[Wiseman2]

Great post. Very true that insinuating that the marriage may fail or 'is stale' or in any way threatening divorce, even thinly veiled, is a form of bullying. That image burned in your brain certainly will never help improve your 'stale' marriage.

 

Complete agree with this:

I think your husband is a bully for insisting for a threesome, especially when you clearly said no twice before.

[Married10444]

Yes as more than a few of you said, I said “yes.” Regardless of whether he asked 100 or 1 times, I did say yes. And I own that decision 100% (and beat up myself for compromising my values to save my marriage) and have to live with that. I guess I’m still trying to understand why he feels no remorse about this actions; but perhaps more of the issue is now is trying to process and move on from the episode and get the “visuals” of what I saw out of my mind.

 

When being rational, I know that there’s

more issues we are having and not just this one episode (like his lack of empathy towards me; but he’ll give it to anyone else, every strangers). I also have many chronic health issues like multiple scelrosis (which forced me to go on disability recently and I’m only in my 40s) which doesn’t help the situation.

 

If I keep on my focusing all my energies on this one issue/episode; I’ll never be able to move forward as a person whether this relationship works out or not. Again I appreciate all your input as it’s helping me see this issue more rationally and truly reflect on the fact that I need to process this once and for all and move forward.

[Seraphim]

Okay so he is an unsympathetic t.... towards his wife with a disability. He NEEDS to go. Your best friend... couldn’t find a worse enemy. I would kick her ass to the curb for sure.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. He sounds a tad sadistic.

Okay so he is an unsympathetic t.... towards his wife with a disability. He NEEDS to go. Your best friend... couldn’t find a worse enemy. I would kick her ass to the curb for sure.

[SherrySher]

Do you honestly think as well that if he and the "best friend" were enjoying themselves, that they will all of a sudden stop?

 

I would think they liked it and would like to continue having sex and finish as they didn't get to.

 

I know that sounds harsh but they were both really enjoying it. I can't see them stopping just because you said to. They will probably meet in secret.

 

But I also agree that he is slightly sadistic and very selfish. This is not a man who loves you or takes into consideration that immense life change you are trying to deal with when it comes to MS.

 

Op, I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you and he are no longer on the same page and he is not going to be good in your life.

[Rabican]

I've never been in this scenario...

 

But it's simple. He doesn't feel remorse because this was something he wanted to do, and you said yes to it. Therefore he didn't do anything wrong per say.

 

You freaked out, and you agreed to do something you weren't ok with..

That's on you.

 

You did something he wanted to do and now you want him to feel bad about it? That's not how it works.

 

What you should expect from him though is understanding that it made you feel terrible. So his response should be hey babe I'm really sorry that this turned into something that made you feel bad, I'll never ask you to do this again, and if need be I'll distance myself from Jane (whatever her name is). Also in the future I won't push you to do something that you don't want to do...

 

All he can really do is improve his actions in this regard going forward. You can't expect him to be sorry for something he isn't/ wasn't/ shouldn't be sorry about doing though.

 

As you said, ultimately you agreed to it... And that much of it you do own. Yeah he asked twice before... But just twice. As much as maybe he shouldn't have asked more than once you should have also said NO and don't ask me again it ain't gonna happen.

 

I mean my kid asked me about 25 times the other day for some cookies... I can't imagine getting worn down by being asked to do something that you are committed not to do by being asked a couple of times.

[Wiseman2]

It seems your choices were: in your face or behind your back. Think about that.

[bluecastle]

When being rational, I know that there’s more issues we are having and not just this one episode (like his lack of empathy towards me; but he’ll give it to anyone else, every strangers).

 

Now we're getting somewhere.

 

Let's remove all the hot button issues for a second—the threesome, the friend—and what do we have here? Something lava-hot in itself that has probably been burning you up for a good long time. Five years? Seven? Since before you got married?

 

Makes sense, see, that you are so drawn to this idea of "remorse." You are trying to squeeze empathy out of a stone. Does "save our marriage" connect with "get him to finally be empathetic" on any level? Something to roll over in the mind.

 

Because, from these seats, I can't help but wonder if this is what's happening here: that this threesome—both what led you do do it and what you're upset about in the wake of it—is kind of a symptom of this larger condition: your fruitless searching, under increasingly fraught conditions, for empathy from a man who repeatedly proves himself incapable of showing it in a way you need.

 

That, to me, is far more concerning than kink gone wrong or even blurred-lines stuff with a "friend." Friends can be cut out, and wounds, even gaping ones, do heal in time. We humans have a tremendous capacity to get over sh*t. But a dynamic built on someone craving empathy from someone incapable of giving it? That you get over by getting out, at least after time has proven it to be set in stone.

[abitbroken]

I don't share this often - but my ex asked for a threesome on multiple occasions and also suggested a person eventually.

I always said NO.

But i later realized it was his way of trying to break up/divorce me and i did't take the bait.

His baggage was that he was cheated on by his girlfriend with a woman they were traveling with (and had sex while he slept)

I wonder if he was looking for an out.

Because he wasn't suggesting the two of you double team on her, they double team on you, etc. He just wanted permission for sex with her

[Annia]

You don't need to have a threesome (or engage in any sexual act you don't want to) to save a marriage and much less with a friend! Also their relationship previous to this seems very inappropriate to me. Also, I think that a true friend would refuse to get into this mess, specially in such a fragile marriage as yours (which she'd know being so close to you both...). Your husband sounds incredibly selfish and not bothered at all about how you feel. I don't care if you say yes or no, but someone concerned with their spouse would always be checking on them and their body language and the pleasure and comfort of their partner during the threesome would be their biggest concern, so of course he should've stopped right away as soon as you were not engaging anymore and was shocked and angry and he should've have been paying attention to that. But it doesn't seem to me that he was doing this threesome for you or for the marriage, but only to himself and his fantasies and pleasure.

 

You did well in wanting counseling. Sex acts NEVER save marriages because the issues run deeper than "spicing up". Also, I'm not a fan in bringing third parties to bed but I think that threesomes can be enjoyable if the relationship is solid (which your isn't) and both want it (he was the only one who wanted) and not with a close friend of the couple. If not it'll do more damage. Your husband showed his true colors and his lack of respect for you. Was he always this selfish and self centered?

[Annia]

A threesome can be an enjoyable experience for a couple if all parties are on the same page.

 

You need to go into it for the right reasons and you have to genuinely want it from the beginning or it will end in disaster as this has.

 

Agreeing to ANY sexual act that goes against your boundaries in an attempt to save your marriage is a horrible idea.

 

I see major red flags here, the first of which that your husband repeatedly pressured you into doing something sexual that you didn't want to do.

 

The way you describe it is very telling - you said you felt you had to do it to save your marriage. That's disturbing on quite a few levels that your husband would go ahead with it knowing how you felt and that you didn't want to do it in the first place.

 

Equally as disturbing is the fact that both your "friend" and your husband continued to get nasty in front of you as you sat there and sobbed. Sorry but that's not a friend and your husband is a horrible person.

 

You shouldn't have had to ask him to stop for him to realize this was not something you were OK with and a friend would have put the breaks on it the moment you showed signs of being uncomfortable.

 

Did he cheat? Yes, as he violated boundaries both physical and emotional with someone else (right in front of you no less) but I feel like that's the least of your concerns at this point.

 

Your husband's "sorry not sorry" during your counseling session combined with his complete lack of respect for you tells me this marriage is DOA.

 

Let him go and have all the threesome he wants as a single man

 

Yes, I'd be done too. This is not a man concerned with his wife and trying to save the marriage. This is someone very selfish and not concerned with his wife's well being, which is a clear indication that this is either his caracter as a selfish person (not fixable) or that the marriage is doomed beyond repair. I'd say it's a mix of both. This paired with him not letting people get close to him emotionally (except for your friend?) shows that he seems to lack empathy in general. Also I'd cut off the friend. What kind of friends continues having sex with her friend's husband seeing that she's obviously crying and disturbed?? Not acceptable!

 

 

I seem to have a different perspective on this ?

 

I think it’s ok that the husband asked a third time. Some people need a little coaxing into what ultimately they might enjoy.

But likewise it would have been ok for the OP to say no.

She didn’t to “save her marriage”

But what marriage problems were present? A tgreesome is obviously not a good idea and doomed to fail if the marriage isn’t in a good place to begin with. Why did the OP not suggest counseling at that point? Or prior.

 

A threesome is 3 way generally meaning all 3 are interacting not two and one watching.

Yet the OP didn’t interact and watched. Yes of course the other parties should have made more of an effort to include her but it’s not like she wasn’t welcome to include herself.

 

Another thing is that if someone agrees to a threesome for the first time , the third party should be unknown to them or at least relatively unknown. In case jealousy arises.

 

It was a bad idea to involve a friend.

People seem to think the husband decided on the third party but maybe the OP can clarify that?

 

I find it disrespectful to insist. Years ago I was with someone who asked me if I had ever watched porn with threesomes and I said yes and he asked if I liked it. I said that I felt aroused watching but that it wasn't something that I'd see myself doing in real life nor felt comfortable seeing myself in such situation but that I do respect and understand that it can be very exciting (I know, maybe I gave too much info). Well, I kid you not, he saw this as a green light to insist, and insist, and insist, and insist and try to bring this theme into conversation as much as possible even when we were just going out for dinner or were talking about totally unrelated stuff. He also kept insisting with me to do acts I wasn't comfortable with or enough aroused to during sex (?). I couldn't take it anymore and had to break up with him for good and shoud've done it sooner. He can go try to coerce someone else. Granted, this was a very recent relationship and now looking back it wasn't such a deep relationship, but this was unacceptable to me and disrespectful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've read the rest of the thread and it confirmed that the husband lacked empathy in general and not just in this situation and it seems like the husband resents the OP and instead if being supportive to her disability, he like I said resents her and is cruel to her. I'm sorry if I'm overreacting but the way he treats OP and his lack of empathy towards her makes me feel sick to my stomach.