My ex and his ex

[anion]

I need to get this story out of my system and hear some objective thoughts on it. So I was in a relationship with my ex for a bit over one year. The first six months were great, but then something changed in his behaviour. He became more distant, stopped saying that he loves me, we were meeting less and less etc. I obviously told him all of this but it didn't change anything.

 

Somewhere at that time I found out that he had some ex girlfriend - his first relationship, they were together for a year but broke up like 2-3 years ago, so I didn't think I had anything to worry about. But around that time, when we were together for 6 months, she started calling him, writing to him etc. At the beginning I thought that alright, they knew each other for a long time, maybe they were just talking. But then she called him and it so happened that I was sitting next to him. I saw the name on the screen and yet he pretended that his mom was calling. So I got angry, told him I knew who it was and asked him to call her back. He did it, and after that situation there was no subject of her. He told me that she blocked him because her current boyfriend was jealous. So for the next half a year whenever I asked him if they talked/written etc., he told me that no, he doesn't have any contact with her.

 

What's important here is that we broke up for a month when we were around 10 months together. It was because of him being distant and us in general falling apart. At that time I had problems eating, sleeping, I was nervous all the time. But then we decided to give it another try, I still loved him, he promised to be more caring about me etc. So then, 2 months after getting back together we moved to a different country for the summer. We had many fights when we moved there, he gave me the silent treatment, and acted werid around his phone (changed codes). But I managed to find out that he was talking to some girl on snapchat. He told me it was his cousin, but the icon was the exact same as his ex's. I felt he was lying to me and told him I would fly back home if he didn't confess. Well, guess what. He didn't tell me the truth and two days later I flew back home (I know I'm impulsive, but he's great at manipulating and he would make me believe he's not lying if I stayed). When he came back, he was still trying to persuade me that he didn't know who he was talking to. When he realized I don't believe him, he finally told me that it was in fact his ex girlfriend. He told me wrote to her because I was acting weird, and that they only talked one time (which was obviously not true).

 

It was all too much for me. We broke up, but after half a year I still had feelings for him and I met with him with the hope that he'd explain it a bit better this time. Well, he didn't, but we started meeting, he wanted to win me back and was trying very hard. Yet I still felt I didn't know everything, so I kept pushing him to tell me more. Finally, he told me that when we were together for 6 months she called him and he confided in her, he called it emotional cheating. What's important is that at that time I told him very private stuff about my life, family history, I got vulnerable and a few days after it he was talking to her, so it makes me question if he really cared about me. Then they met by accident 2 months later. She told him that she still loved him and wanted to get back together with him. What's more, before our summer trip they met by accident again (I can believe in this accident because they live very close to each other). During that meeting she looked at him in such a way that he knew she still loved him. So he decided to do while being away with me? Write to her on snapchat, change her name, all of it just to let her know that there can be nothing between them.

 

Yet, something still doesn't add up. They had red heart on snapchat so that means they must've talked for quite some time (this heart means he talked to her the most out of all people on the app and vice versa). It seems to me that he still had/has feelings for her and I don't understand why he wants to get back to me and not her. But the worst thing are his lies, I asked him multiple times if he contacted her/saw her and he never said anything, he could look me in the eye and lie. Even when we were breaking up, he didn't want to clarify anything. He tells me that he didn't act distant because of her, but because of some stuff related to his studies/work, which is hard to believe as he had the same situation with studies for the whole year, and the first months were just great between us. What's also important is that after I flew back home, they actually talked and he told her that I left him there. I think that if he cared about me, he wouldn't want to keep in touch with her after what happened with me because of their relationship. Right now, when we were broken up for half a year, she invited him to a wedding three times. He told me he rejected this invitation, but it's still not understandable for me why they even talk. What's also important is that he broke up with her because she wasn't as invested in their relationship as him, she wanted to go to parties alone, do things separately etc. I feel that he did the same thing to me that she did to him. I don't know, is there anything to fight for? Is it possible that he finally understood who he wants to be with?

[smackie9]

Paragraphs please.

[anion]

I hope it looks better now.

[smackie9]

Yes! thank you so much :)

[DancingFool]

Fight for what? What's the prize? A liar and a cheater? I'm calling him a cheater because emotionally, he is cheating. There might be more too because you don't know how far their meetups went. Also, sorry but neither meet up was accidental. The bottom line is that he isn't loyal, he may still be hung up on his ex, OR he is that kind of a guy, the kind who will triangulate women to "fight" over him to boost his ego. Never ever ever stoop so low that you fight over any guy. No guy is worth lowering yourself like that for.

 

This is a situation where you take him out to the trash heap and leave him there. Wash your hands once you are done. That's it. You aren't losing anyone of value here.

[smackie9]

OK this is my take on it...his ex found out he was dating you. She got jealous, so she hoovered him back. Then the same old happened, and she got tired or bored of him so she drifted off. Then she wasn't getting any attention from guys, so she got lonely, called up your BF to hoover him back again for her own use....he got sucked in again because she knows he is so totally weak for her and maybe the sex is really good.

 

The end result is, you are just a place holder, he's not that into you, he just doesn't like being alone. I think after the two times he's cheated on you with her, it would be enough for you to kick his sorry ass to the curb for good. IMO you go by their actions, not by their pleading words. he's a cheat, and is selfish. Dump this chump.

[anion]

But what if he didn't cheat? I don't know, it just seems probable that they met by accident, because their town really is so tiny. Yet he called it emotional cheating and I don't know why he used the word 'cheat', knowing how strong it is. I also don't get why he finally decided to tell me these things.

[Hollyj]

What are you going to fight for? he has shown you repeatedly, he is a liar and a cheat, yet you want to go back for more. He cheated on you emotionally. He has stronger feelings for her, than you, or he would not be in contact with her. You are a placeholder.

 

Also, the two of you do not get along.

 

Move on, block and delete.

[anion]

Why do you say we don't get along?

I know he is a liar, but I'm not sure if he wants her more. You see, we're broken up for 6 months now. She invited him to her wedding 3 times. Why didn't he accept? Why didn't they get back together?

[Hollyj]

"We had many fights when we moved there"

 

He lied and deceived you repeatedly, why would you want more? Are you usually attracted to drama and liars? Why is a liar okay with you? Certainly, you want a partner you can trust?

[SGH]

Why do you say we don't get along?

I know he is a liar, but I'm not sure if he wants her more. You see, we're broken up for 6 months now. She invited him to her wedding 3 times. Why didn't he accept? Why didn't they get back together?

 

He doesn't get back together with her because he has commitment issues. He doesn't want to be with either one of you full-time and would preferably have you both pining after him. He just isn't interested in a mutual monogamous relationship with the basics included (love, care, trust, and respect). There was no progression or deepening of intimacy because he would either distance himself by showing less affection, keep things at the status quo by having his ongoing relationship with his ex, or break up with you.

 

It sounds like you want to go back to him, and maybe it will take a round or two more before you realize that what I am saying is the truth. This isn't about you.

 

Oh, and as a general rule if a man ever sets you up to compete with another woman, you let her win the sh*tty prize. Winning someone is never worth giving up your self-respect.

[SherrySher]

I'm not sure what you're exactly trying to save here.

 

He is a liar, he enjoys his exe's company and keeps her around, he hides things and play games, you and he went on vacation and you left then he turns once again to the ex and let's her know all about it (which is humiliating to you plus a type of betrayal as he's sharing your private business with her).

 

Why on earth would you want to stay with a jerk like that? Can't you find another man who is better? Surely there has got to be someone better than that ass.

 

Honestly, most women would have kicked him to the curb and would have not given him a second thought.

[SherrySher]

Oh, and as a general rule if a man ever sets you up to compete with another woman, you let her win the sh*tty prize

 

Yes, yes and yes.

 

Walk away with head held high and let her have him. He sounds like a loser.

[Capricorn3]

The over all impression I get is that you're just a "stand-by" - someone to go to when it's not working out with someone else (ex). He is no prize. Why would you want to be second best?

[figureitout23]

The over all impression I get is that you're just a "stand-by" - someone to go to when it's not working out with someone else (ex). He is no prize. Why would you want to be second best?

 

Yep... which is exactly why I despise rebounding. So often the other person, innocent person, becomes a pawn, a chess move or a warm body, it’s auch a selfish act.

 

Like another said this is not about you, he’s emotionally immature and clearly can’t cope by being alone so you’re there while these two play I want you, I don’t want and you.

 

I would walk away.

 

No he didn’t go to the wedding or at least he says he didn’t but that doesn’t mean he’s worth keeping around, you describe him as manipulative, and at the end of the day he’s still entertains his ex. There’s no confusion there.

[Rose Mosse]

My suspicion is that he's just extremely immature and has very little clue about boundaries or handling relationships in general. He also seems to have got himself into some hot soup with all this communication with his ex and she might stroke his fragile ego telling him she still loves him. Either way, this is not a good mix for you.

 

I don't think you should stick around to see whether he graduates past diapers at this stage.

[anion]

I really appreciate your help. And while I know that the things I described here are awful, I still need to understand his motivation in this all ‚not coming to the wedding with her because he wants to be with me’. For all I know, they talked those times I described above, but I think that before our holiday they didn’t text. In general he told me that he ended that relationship long before meeting me and that he doesn’t know why he let her contact him. Also when we broke up the first time, it was right after she told him she loved him. Yet he wanted to get back together with me, he wrote me letters, begged to take him back etc. He also told me that he never said the words I love you to his ex, and that I was the first one who heard it from him. So what do you think about this wedding thing & about trying to win me back?

[Carus]

So what do you think about this wedding thing & about trying to win me back?

Well it MIGHT be genuine, however now that your trust has been so damaged it would be a long and slow road back...not impossible but long and slow....

 

Also because of the broken trust I suspect that you may find yourself being hyper vigilant, always on high alert and never able to truly relax. Over time this will turn you into a nervous wreck*

 

On a side note, I've had partners who still have contact with their exes and have lunch with them etc...But they are always open and honest about it.

 

If your ex is being covert and telling you he's not talking to his ex when really he is, welllll.....that's a pretty big red flag no..?

 

People here give their opinions but you will do what you will do.

 

If you want to try again then try. But I do suspect you'll find yourself in the situation I described above. He would need to 'show' you that he is serious.

 

As Smackie* said, actions speak louder than words...and it's also a case of if you'll fully be able to trust him again...

 

Carus*

[figureitout23]

I really appreciate your help. And while I know that the things I described here are awful, I still need to understand his motivation in this all ‚not coming to the wedding with her because he wants to be with me’. For all I know, they talked those times I described above, but I think that before our holiday they didn’t text. In general he told me that he ended that relationship long before meeting me and that he doesn’t know why he let her contact him. Also when we broke up the first time, it was right after she told him she loved him. Yet he wanted to get back together with me, he wrote me letters, begged to take him back etc. He also told me that he never said the words I love you to his ex, and that I was the first one who heard it from him. So what do you think about this wedding thing & about trying to win me back?

 

I’m not sure if you saw but I answered that already.

 

You’re trying to play semantics looking for any crack to stay with him.

 

No ones going to stop you, it’s xinpletelt your life.

 

You can twist yourself into a pretzel to justify his actions but at its core he’s untrustworthy. If you’re ok with that, then that’s your business. Given the info you gave, it’s hard for outsiders to get into a pretzel with you, we have no motivation to, we don’t want him, you do so you’re trying to see the bright side of all this. You’re trying to find logic in illogical, we don’t have that connection to him and therefore aren’t wearing rose colored glasses, the man has no issue bouncing between the two of you, it’s hurrful it’s disrespscrful it’s untrustworthy. If he was a decent guy he would have told you he has unresolved feelings he needed to explore and stopped seeing you until he figures things out. Not going to the wedding does not a gentleman make girl, for all we know they could have gotten into a tiff and that’s why he didn’t go. Him not going because of you is his interpretation and let’s be honest a man who sees nothing wrong with juggling two women’s interpretation isn’t exactly gold standard.

 

You don’t need us to help you stay in dysfunction. If you want, you have every right to.

[RayofLighten]

But what if he didn't cheat? I don't know, it just seems probable that they met by accident, because their town really is so tiny. Yet he called it emotional cheating and I don't know why he used the word 'cheat', knowing how strong it is. I also don't get why he finally decided to tell me these things.

 

He was having an emotional affair with his ex and lying to you about it. Stop trying to justify it. It is what it is and you cant change it. It'll keep happening every time she wants to get back in touch with him. If nothing has changed by now it never will. Ask yourself if you really want to be with a man like that? Imo a man who isn't cheating doesn't need codes on his phone.

[DancingFool]

I really appreciate your help. And while I know that the things I described here are awful, I still need to understand his motivation in this all ‚not coming to the wedding with her because he wants to be with me’. For all I know, they talked those times I described above, but I think that before our holiday they didn’t text. In general he told me that he ended that relationship long before meeting me and that he doesn’t know why he let her contact him. Also when we broke up the first time, it was right after she told him she loved him. Yet he wanted to get back together with me, he wrote me letters, begged to take him back etc. He also told me that he never said the words I love you to his ex, and that I was the first one who heard it from him. So what do you think about this wedding thing & about trying to win me back?

 

He is a user, a liar, a manipulator, and a cheat. Begging you back? It's what cheaters and liars do. NOT because they care about you, they don't, but because they want to keep you in their control and feeding their ego. What he is doing is triangulating two women and getting both of you to play the "pick me" dance. His ego is getting stroked to no ends with that. It would be very difficult for him to find another girl willing to stoop so low, so he plays the pretend he cares game to reel you back in. He can only reel you back in because you don't have a very healthy understanding of what love and caring looks like. A man who loves you wouldn't ever have to beg you back because he'd be treating you well every day.

[anion]

"you don't have a very healthy understanding of what love and caring looks like" - this sounds about right. He was my first that serious relationship. Maybe this is why it's so hard for me to let it go. But the thing is, I see his both sides - good and bad. And while it's true he treated me badly sometimes, it wasn't always like this. I know I'm justifying him, and I'm doing it because I believe that life isn't always perfect. People deal with some stuff and are mean to each other without intending to, not because they have bad intentions but eg. they had a terrible day. But maybe it's right, maybe he does that because it boosts his ego.

 

Someone earlier wrote about his immaturity - it's also sooo on point. I think a big part of it all is that he doesn't know what's appropriate in a relationship and what isn't. But although it's a great justification, we had many arguments about his ex and he should've gotten the idea that it's not the right thing to do a long time ago.

[boltnrun]

He chose to do things that hurt you.

 

You find it hard to let go because you want to keep him. You're justifying because you want to keep him...not because you believe life isn't always perfect.

 

When you're having a bad day, is your go to action to do something to hurt your boyfriend?

[SherrySher]

anion, I see a lot of heartache coming your way in the future...why? because you want so badly to believe that this man truly loves you and only wants you and no one else.

 

You keep justifying his terrible behavior, you keep looking the other way, keep downplaying it.

 

All that it will bring you, is bad men and bad relationships. You will continue to remain in bad relationships with men who are bad to you because you will want so badly to believe in them and believe that deep down, underneath all the crap, there is actually love.

 

The sad part, is, you will be wrong every time.

 

Only you can break the cycle now before it becomes a life long sentence.

[figureitout23]

"you don't have a very healthy understanding of what love and caring looks like" - this sounds about right. He was my first that serious relationship. Maybe this is why it's so hard for me to let it go. But the thing is, I see his both sides - good and bad. And while it's true he treated me badly sometimes, it wasn't always like this. I know I'm justifying him, and I'm doing it because I believe that life isn't always perfect. People deal with some stuff and are mean to each other without intending to, not because they have bad intentions but eg. they had a terrible day. But maybe it's right, maybe he does that because it boosts his ego.

 

Someone earlier wrote about his immaturity - it's also sooo on point. I think a big part of it all is that he doesn't know what's appropriate in a relationship and what isn't. But although it's a great justification, we had many arguments about his ex and he should've gotten the idea that it's not the right thing to do a long time ago.

 

I get it. Believe me I do, especially with first loves.

 

But you will be in pain if you allow this to continue.

 

If you can handle it, again, being with him is your prerogative, you dont have to answer to us.

 

But again none of us is going to see him as an honest and honorable man.