I received a message from another woman about my husband.

[Annia]

I don't know if there's more to it or not and the woman seemed a bit crazy/trying to stir the pot on purpose with you and your husband, but I find it a bit weird that your husband is not clearly explaining this "out of town" deal that she mentioned and why is she saying this stuff about them being so close. I don't know if he's enforcing boundaries or not or if he's feeding this or if she's just obsessed with him and created fantasies in her mind, but it's not appropriated her behaviour towards a married man.

[RayRay63]

she's full of **** and trying to cause trouble.

 

I'd say that is the case.

 

If he did have an affair (and she says she has a boyfriend) the first thing she would do to try and drive a wedge in - is tell you about it.

 

I have actually seen that happen a couple of times, when the older married male ends it with the young female affair partner.

 

They get on the phone to the wife and cause strife because they want revenge, or to try and break up the marriage, or as East would say "drama.dll" kicks in.

 

If there was actually an affair, she would have likely told you all about it after she was blocked. She didn't have much to work with here.

 

She seems to have blown up her suggestion that they hang out to an actual arrangement - but she wouldn't be contacting you, and your husband wouldn't have blocked her, if there was one.

 

At face value it sounds like she was a young lady (with a boyfriend) who sought some (avuncular?) advice from an older work contact, and your husband did the right thing to block her when she overstepped the mark.

 

Apply Occam's razor. Take away any wider assumptions and speculation, and that simple solution fits.

[LC8328]

I hope you and your husband can get through this together with your marriage intact, OP. I think it will.

 

Re-reading your post made me remember something. A man used to be obsessed with a friend of mine. She never met him..I think it was through a facebook group or something. He friended her and she accepted. She soon regretted it however because he would post creepy things. Like if she checked in on facebook that she went to a baseball game..he'd make a comment to the tune of "Crazy game, thanks for sharing your beer with me." Obviously, they weren't together at the game and had never even met. After the 2nd or 3rd time he did this she realized he was loony as a tune and blocked him.

 

Does that sound like anyone else we know? You know, someone else who posts "miss you buddy" on his facebook? Or asking him to bring her food in a playful manner? All of this woman's comments to your husband are carefully written to make it sound like she is more part of his life than she really is.

 

Just sharing this story to implant the idea that there are indeed people who do odd, stalk-ery things like this. Hang in there. Come talk to us anytime you need to.

[SherrySher]

The questions I would be asking: Why would he spend time with this girl at all? There is a work relationship (where you are polite and discuss work, end of). But by the sounds of it, your husband went further with this girl as she has said he understood her and listened to her talk about personal things.

That right there would make me seriously raise my eyebrows.

Why is he spending time with this young girl listening to her personal life?

 

Speaking of which, why is he even around a girl this young? A large gap in age, so what brought them together in the first place and why would he allow that?

 

Why is he adding this young girl to his facebook? It's not usual to open the door to your personal life with people from work. I understand that lot's of people don't take facebook too seriously, but on the other hand, he would have had to talk with her long enough to exchange details.

That again is a huge red flag.

 

Now she is telling you that he and she had planned on getting away together. I know people are saying she's a nutter and unstable, but all you need to do is look at the above.

Your husband already invited her into his life, he has already been spending time alone with her if she has told him all sorts of personal things, that's enough proof that he was letting her into his life in ways he probably shouldn't have been.

 

Lastly, I look at this situation and consider who has more reason to lie. This girl has a boyfriend, she sounds more stupid? inexperienced? than malicious. She got an invitation from an older man to be alone with her over the weekend. She probably thought he was or has been a close friend of hers being as your husband has clearly been listening to her personal life. I'm not sure if she assumed they would end up in bed together or naively thought they were just going to hang out while sharing a hotel room.

Maybe she didn't even consider they'd be in the same hotel room.

Your husband on the other hand, is a grown ass man who gets to try his luck at being alone with a young naive girl. I don't think much more needs to be said about that.

 

I'm not accusing, I am being logical and looking at all the steps that brought them to where they are. I would say that your husband has hardly been innocent.

[SherrySher]

ps: I might be unblocking her and asking her for proof, such as a transcript of their messaging one another and to see how they talk with one another.

If chats do exist, no doubt your husband has deleted all conversations.

[RayRay63]

She got an invitation from an older man to be alone with her over the weekend. [/QUOte].

 

I'm not sure how you get to that conclusion. Logic, I think dictates you discard it - if he did, and she said yes, he wouldn't have blocked her.

 

Also, the OP doesn't mention him lining up a convenient weekend away with golfing buddies or some such cover story.

[SherrySher]

How did I come to that conclusion? He already has been talking with this young girl long enough to be adding her to his facebook and to be listening to her personal life and/or problems.

 

Why is he doing that? When he is doing that if this is someone from work?

 

He blocked her because he invited her and she clearly did not reply when he wanted, so he got angry and blocked. No doubt he felt rejected or impatient.

[RayRay63]

He blocked her because he invited her and she clearly did not reply when he wanted

 

I don't believe young girl's version of why she was blocked, because her description of what was allegedly planned is all a bit vague and imprecise:

 

Her: We were suppose to hangout this weekend ...

Her: Yeah, we were gunna get out of town for a few days

 

 

Question for the OP-

 

Did your husband at any point have plans to go away for either a weekend*, or a few days, without you?

 

*This would be the weekend just gone by. Fishing or golf or something.

[liz22]

He was maybe going to go skiing but decided not to. He legitimately had his ski gear ready though, and he has decided to opt out of skiing at the last minute several times before due to laziness or just not feeling it. I guess anything is possible though. I hope not!

[Seraphim]

I think it is more likely the young lady felt rejected and went loco and contacted you to stir the pot.

[liz22]

I think it is more likely the young lady felt rejected and went loco and contacted you to stir the pot.

 

That's what I'm hoping. I don't know why my husband would completely block her (or anyone) just because she left her phone somewhere. Perhaps that's why she thinks he blocked her but actually blocked her before that because she was getting weird??

[SherrySher]

Well, like I said...all you need to do is ask yourself why he was spending enough time alone with this girl that he knew about her personal problems and she felt that he understood her, etc.

What kind of married man does that with a 23 year old?

 

I still say, ask her for proof. If they were chatting on Facebook through private messaging, it will be hard to dispute once you see it for yourself.

[IAmFCA]

OP Your husband demonstrated good boundaries. Her sudden attentiveness to his fb page is a reflection of her, not him, and is consistemt with her moving back into town. He saw that she did not maintain boundaries and so strengthened his own.

 

Your insecurities are understandable but it doesnt mean they need to forever plague you. Forget this woman, do not put her between you. If you do, it is rather as if you cheated on him, by putting her first.

[RayRay63]

He was maybe going to go skiing but decided not to. He legitimately had his ski gear ready though, and he has decided to opt out of skiing at the last minute several times before due to laziness or just not feeling it. I guess anything is possible though. I hope not!

 

That is a known fact which needs consideration.

 

She didn't say "we were supposed to go skiing this weekend". She said "hang out". Which to me is a different thing.

 

The rest involves a lot of speculation at this point. If you decide to take SherrySher's advice and unblock her (not that I think it's a good idea) the first question you should ask is where were they going to hang out?

 

If she says something other than skiing then you don't have an answer, because you can pack your gear - and leave it in the car while you go somewhere else.

 

If she says skiing then you don't have an answer, it could be her guessing well, or maybe she knew he was going skiing and she suggested she go with him, not the other way around.

 

Which is why I don't think its a good idea.

 

Edit: It is possible she might say "I heard he was thinking of going skiing, and I told him I would like to go with him", but then a lot of things are possible.

[IAmFCA]

She is unstable. She says Oh we are just good friends etc but she is messaging you knowing he blocked her. Her whole message is the act of someone who is disingenuous. She knows she doesn't know you. She knows he blocked her. She knows she has been on his fb page. She is destructive to your marriage only because you are letting her be. Don't give in.

[IAmFCA]

I think it is more likely the young lady felt rejected and went loco and contacted you to stir the pot.

 

Agree completely

[SherrySher]

We could speculate and argue the points all day long, but truth be told, the only people who know for sure what happened and what the intentions were is this woman's husband and this young girl.

 

I'd really like to know though why she'd want to stir anyones pot if she has a boyfriend already. I believe her.

[RayRay63]

I'd really like to know though why she'd want to stir anyones pot if she has a boyfriend already. I believe her.

 

If you believe her then I think you have to believe this part:

 

Her: I know you're married. We're just good friends. He's one of the only people who understands me ... etc

 

AKA, nothing romantic was going on.

 

And with that thought, I'm off to the gym.

[IAmFCA]

Young woman, not a young girl. She is old enough to go to war, buy a drink, get married, have a master's degree, be a parent, start a business.

 

OP, You can not police your husband. Oddly important is to accept that you can not ever know everything. I know my kids, I think I know how they behave when I am not watching. But I can't ever know. Our intimate partners offer us the same challenge: Transparency... but not omni present omniscience. Be smart, but be careful not to overthink yourself into a distant, anxious mess.

[liz22]

I didn't blocker her myself, just my husband. She has not contacted me since I told her not to contact my husband.

[Capricorn3]

He was maybe going to go skiing but decided not to. He legitimately had his ski gear ready though, and he has decided to opt out of skiing at the last minute several times before due to laziness or just not feeling it.

Maybe he got cold feet at the last minute. She felt rejected and is now trying to get back at him by causing trouble for you. Who knows what the truth is, but it's certainly possible.

[RayRay63]

Maybe he got cold feet at the last minute. She felt rejected and is now trying to get back at him by causing trouble for you. Who knows what the truth is, but it's certainly possible.

 

I was thinking that... if he got cold feet that is actually to my mind a sign that he had a look in the mirror, asked himself "What ** are you doing you moron?" and gave himself an uppercut. And didn't do it. And blocked young girl/lady.

 

Which would be sort of encouraging, but it's all speculation. And I wouldn't suggest the OP ask him about that specifically. Not now anyway. Maybe if they are happily together a few years down the track, when it is clearly a non issue.

[DancingFool]

Going to second jman here. OP, your biggest clue that you have nothing to worry about is actually your husband's non-reaction. He is behaving as a person with a clean conscience and nothing to hide or worry about. He is also right that he can't fix your fears, some of which are stemming from your own insecurities about being unable to conceive and worrying that he'll leave you over that. In other words, deeper personal issues.

 

Problem is that psycho women exist and the way she contacted you, the way she worded things is designed perfectly to stir up major trouble in the marriage. It's also a whole lot of pretend. Pretending to be closer than she is, fake concern, etc. It's all very twisted. You and your husband have literally crossed paths with a total psycho and your response to her was excellent, btw. Do not go back suddenly asking her more questions - she set a trap, do not fall into it.

 

I dare say that she came onto your husband and got rebuffed and now is taking revenge. I don't think your husband cheated or started to or anything else such. It actually comes across like he cut her off instantly and asserted boundaries and with people like her, that's enough to set her off and lash out in revenge. It's a "how dare he reject her, he'll pay for it" situation. People like her don't live by the same rules as everyone else and don't see the world the same way. Don't feed into her crazy - it's what she wants.

[jimthzz]

OK, if something like that hadn't happened to me I'd be so much more cynical about it. in the early 90s I worked at a corporation that was downsizing. The group of us were pretty tight and agreed to look out for each other for job leads. Men and women. Pre-internet boom so mostly it was either email or a quick call.

 

I was married and not interested in any side thing. Seriously.

 

This one lady was very lost about getting a new job and kept pestering me even after I'd moved out of state with my wife and kids.

 

So one evening she called and my wife answered, the lady was crying and "really needed" to talk to me?

 

Wife was furious. Best I could tell is that she needed a job and her Bf had dumped her, etc.

 

The wife immediately presumed I was screwing the lady and didn't believe a word I said on the subject. It really harmed my marriage a lot.

 

In fact, the wife used that as one of her many excuses to cheat. Yes, she is an ex now for sure.

 

That said, I think you should have your radar up but I am not convinced that your husband did anything.

[reinventmyself]

He had a ski trip and cancelled it . .without a legitimate reason.

 

It happened to be on the same weekend she said they were supposed to hang out or go away for a few days together.

 

If it was innocent why did he delete her? He deleted her before she reached out to the wife. What exactly happened that led him to delete her in the first place?

 

Is she crazy or calculating? Is this payback for giving her attention and when he realized things were going sideways, he blocked her?

 

I have a theory . .Stray cats do not come around unless someone is feeding them.

 

It appears someone was feeding this cat.