I received a message from another woman about my husband.

[Lester]

3/10/19 - "Her: I know you're married. We're just good friends. He's one of the only people who understands me and I've confided in him a lot about things that I don't tell anyone."

 

You: Trying to come to grips with the infidelity through appeasement and self-pacification.

Him: Scared to death you're getting close to the reality of the situation, but unwilling to tell all because of the possibility of more thrill time with her.

[Jibralta]

I just meant they hadn't spoken in a long time prior to that post, since she said "miss you buddy". Then after she posted that is when the re-connection would have started. They have been friends for years on Facebook but not the kind that usually "connected" on facebook in the past with comments, etc.

 

I see. I forgot that they had worked together previously.

[RayRay63]

3/10/19 - "Her: I know you're married. We're just good friends. He's one of the only people who understands me and I've confided in him a lot about things that I don't tell anyone."

 

You: Trying to come to grips with the infidelity through appeasement and self-pacification.

Him: Scared to death you're getting close to the reality of the situation, but unwilling to tell all because of the possibility of more thrill time with her.

 

Lester, don't you think that if they had had an affair, younggirl would have told wife when she contacted her after hubby blocked younggirl?

[Lester]

Lester, don't you think that if they had had an affair, younggirl would have told wife when she contacted her after hubby blocked younggirl?

 

Adulterers only tell the truth when they have no options left.

Her not telling the entire truth during the contact is an continuation of reality-distorting she been practicing.

 

Remember, she's been told hundreds of times/ways of how he doesn't love her (his wife), and how he will be leaving her soon.

Younggirll has been subsisting on these lies for a long time.

 

 

The saddest part of all of this is that the victim has now (like many in her shoes), voluntarily joined the circle of lies.

 

The net result: wasted time.

[RayRay63]

I hope you are not right, and I think the probabilities are against it- too many assumptions - and so doesn't survive Occam's razor.

[Lester]

When it comes to infidelity, there's nothing new under the sun.

 

He was most likely beginning a slow bums-rush with her, and she, who is in "love", panicked and did what many before her have done.

 

But, I too am hoping I'm wrong.

 

 

P.S. Thanks for "occam's razor". Learning new words/things is something I enjoy here.

[Annia]

I like that he blocked her (it corroborates her going crazy and deciding to try to stir the pot in your marriage), but it sees odd to me that your husband doesn't sit with you and talks about this openly and explains the whole "going out of town" deal and where that came from. Even if she made up the "going out of town together" thing, it'd be of his best interest to explain better the situation.

[Annia]

” stop looking for my husband hoe and go find your own.” And I hung up in her ear.

 

I'm sorry, but I chuckled hard!

 

 

I think the husband is leaving out something. And I'd want to know. It doesn't matter if he's not a 'communicator'. Find the words, and be honest. I can't say he was cheating or not. But something doesn't sit right. If she really is wingy, and I think that element is there for sure, some signs would have been there before it got to this. At the very least, he's pretty lazy with boundaries.

Even dumb women know you don't tell the wife you are taking off with the husband for a weekend. I think most of it is nonsense, meant to stir things up. But I also think he should be taking your concern more seriously. He had this woman on his FB with access to your info . He should at least recognize he screwed up doing that.

 

I don't know who to believe and I think it could be a mix of his lack of boundaries (but not cheating) with her being cray cray or trying to stir the pot because she somehow felt rejected. However, what I find weird is that he doesn't seem to want to get into specifics and actually explain what the hell he was talking to her about that she misinterpreted and how she was crazy/weird like he says. And also why isn't he outraged that a woman made up an imaginary trip out of town with him? If I was married and a man told my husband I had planned going out of town with him, I wouldn't be there scoffing it out as if it was nothing. I'd be furious with a man trying to destroy my marriage by making up an imaginary trip out of town. And I also don't understand why he's not explaining what led him to block her. Why isn't he saying that he blocked her because she started acting cray cray or something?

 

I'm not saying that the OP shouldn't trust her husband BUT why doesn't he realise that everything would be simpler and even forgotten if he simply communicated clearly and explained himself? He could easily explain the OP in a proper manner and the OP could move on and forget about this. Yet he's vague and doesn't seem to think anything of it.

 

She might have an idea of the angst if someone contacted her bf about her behaviour, hanging out with married man and having a long conversations and planning time away..... 🤔

 

She would figure it out fast enough.

 

Why wouldn't the husband be outraged and enraged with a cray cray woman making up an imaginary trip out of town with him? Or did she suggest a trip and he didn't enforce his boundaries properly and made her believe that she could join him at ski or something like that and she's interpreting everything wrong?

[IAmFCA]

Why wouldn't the husband be outraged and enraged with a cray cray woman making up an imaginary trip out of town with him? Or did she suggest a trip and he didn't enforce his boundaries properly and made her believe that she could join him at ski or something like that and she's interpreting everything wrong?

 

Because he wants to avoid it, not spend his energy on it; he wants to focus on going forward and not spend energy on this woman.

 

I get that a wife may want him to explain the details and how this came to be, but there is a legitimate argument to make for his approach as well. The OP's instincts may be the most indicative of risk, because she knows her husband's patterns. I respect Lester's instincts as well, but I can't say for sure that he stepped outside his marriage. Perhaps absorbed more of her attention than is appropriate or wise -- porous boundaries of some sort, for sure - but then he corrected.

 

In any event, a focus forward is important, so that this woman doesn't come between them even in her now absence.

[Annia]

Because he wants to avoid it, not spend his energy on it; he wants to focus on going forward and not spend energy on this woman.

 

I get that a wife may want him to explain the details and how this came to be, but there is a legitimate argument to make for his approach as well. The OP's instincts may be the most indicative of risk, because she knows her husband's patterns. I respect Lester's instincts as well, but I can't say for sure that he stepped outside his marriage. Perhaps absorbed more of her attention than is appropriate or wise -- porous boundaries of some sort, for sure - but then he corrected.

 

In any event, a focus forward is important, so that this woman doesn't come between them even in her now absence.

 

I'm not saying he cheated, it's hard to say and I'm actually not pending to the concretisation of physical cheating on this, I just find his reaction weird. But I know I can't expect everyone to react as I'd react or expect others to react.

[relevart]

Well, crap. I feel like I got interested in a TV show only to find out if was cancelled midseason without any wrap-up. My first comment is something the OP said, but since she has not come back in three weeks, it's more a random observation than anything.

 

Thank you all for the thoughts and advise. As I woke up this morning I am still confused, upset and teary-eyed. My husband was not saying anything about it this morning but he could tell I was giving him the cold shoulder. I finally told him "I'm still upset about this but you don't seem to care". He said something to the effect of "I don't know what you want me to do. It sounds like a bunch of nonsense to me".

The part in bold is an accusation. Red flags would go off in my head, as a husband (ex, now) if I heard it. It's two separate accusations and "you don't seem to care" is the worse of the two. It's fine to feel upset, but here you are insinuating he is too blame for you being upset which was not known at that time it's fine to take a while to wrap your head around a situation... and the situation with this woman contacting the OP was weird not matter how you look at. But I'm still upset and you don't care" is not about the 23 year old dimbat.

 

As a dude, right o wrong, whenever there was a situation between my ex and I, I always tried to fix it while at the same time hoping it was over. She may have felt like I didn't care. But in my mind, it was silly to dredge up something that might be over. I mean, from my perspective, what am I supposed to? Make hr coffee, give her a kiss and ask her if she was still upset. Heck, that could make her mad, too, as if I was downplaying her feeling.

 

The other observation is how many folks go to the "leave him" scenario first off without really knowing the entire issue. The OP came here with a valid concern. Some folks gace her good advice on how to deal with the situation. Others went straight for the "leave him" scenario. That's a dangerous thing to do on relationship forums where e know only one aide of a story and usually not the entire side.

 

Funny story. I went to college in my early 30s at a tech school. All of us in the same major had almost every class together There was a young lady there, 21, who attracted my attention on the first day. At one point, I literally reminded myself that I was married. I'm pretty sure Jimmy Carter would say I had committed adultery in my heart. Later, my car broke down and a mutual friend was taking me home while it was getting fixed because we both lived in the same town 30 miles away. One day he friend who I had crushed on came with us and I introduced both of them to my wife.

 

After they left, my wife could not stop smiling at me, and I said, "What?" I kinda already knew where this was going. And she said, "You like her"? Not an accusation, not really. She knew my type and I think she realized they looked alike in many ways. I laughed and 'fessed up, but it caused no friction between my wife and I because she trusted me not to do anything stupid.