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I received a message from another woman about my husband.

liz22

By liz22
in Infidelity

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Jibralta Grand Master

Jibralta

Posted
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He had a ski trip and cancelled it . .without a legitimate reason.

 

It happened to be on the same weekend she said they were supposed to hang out or go away for a few days together.

 

If it was innocent why did he delete her? He deleted her before she reached out to the wife. What exactly happened that led him to delete her when he did?

 

Is she crazy or calculating? Is this payback for giving her attention and when he realized things were going sideways, he blocked her?

 

I have a theory . .Stray cats do not come around unless someone is feeding them.

 

It appears someone was feeding this cat.

 

That's what I'm thinking.

 

Too bad she shut the girl down so fast.

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RayRay63 Mentor

RayRay63

Posted
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I have a feeling the clear picture will find it's way to surface eventually. Things like this typically do.

 

Indeed.

 

The positive thing is, he seems, on the current evidence (speculation about who was suggesting what aside) to have shut this down before making a very serious mistake.

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Betterwithout Proficient

Betterwithout

Posted
Posted

Not sure what to think about this one.

 

Uncertainty can certainly get the mind spinning into all the wrong directions and be something to worry about or could turn out to be nothing to worry about.

 

This girl could be a total wing nut and your husband knows it and is legit trying to be compassionate and empathetic

or

This girl could be a total wing nut and your husband is continuing into a emotional and possibly a physical affair.

 

What does your gut say?

 

Either way, don't trust her...and have an open honest discussion with your husband of your feelings on the matter. Tell him how feel, and ask how he is feeling about this situation.

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Betterwithout Proficient

Betterwithout

Posted
Posted
What revenge? She has a boyfriend.

 

 

 

Why must she be a wingnut? I think she's been pretty transparent about everything.

 

Indeed, she is being transparent, but if she direct messages her "friends" wife on a personal level, there is a shade of stirring up the pot on the marriage.

 

I think the revenge could be trying to get back at him for cancelling the "ski trip".

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SherrySher Grand Master

SherrySher

Posted
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What I am wondering, is why you two are so gung ho on that this girl is a wing nut and a cheater and so on and the husband is a poor innocent guy who has done nothing?

 

How do you know? What proof do you have of any of it? This girl, for all you know, has done nothing wrong and had no intentions of stirring nothing up.

Not to be rude but perhaps she was too inexperienced or not intelligent enough to realize that when the husband blocked her she shouldn't be messaging the wife.

Though to me, that shows how naive and or innocent she thought the whole thing was.

 

What makes either of you think the husband didn't invite this girl out for the weekend hoping to get it on with her?

 

Your guess is as good as mine, but no one has any idea as to who is right. Though I do feel you're being a bit too harsh on this girl. The husband sounds like he was pretty good at leading her towards him.

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Seraphim Grand Master

Seraphim

Posted
Posted

Oh she’s a wingnut. You don’t “check” on another person’s spouse. There was this woman years and years ago when one of my husband’s civil jobs was a retail manager. This insurance agent kept chasing him around. Now when my husband was young he was overly accepting of female attention. Was he going to have a relationship with them? No. But they took it as he wasn’t rebuffing their flirting as a go ahead to keep going despite being married.

 

He was sent to a different store in a different city . She one day calls my house asking for my husband. I asked why and she says , “ well, I was worried I have been looking all over Southern Ontario for him is he ok?” To which I replied,” stop looking for my husband hoe and go find your own.” And I hung up in her ear.

 

Sometimes all it takes is not rebuffing them when they flirt .

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SherrySher Grand Master

SherrySher

Posted
Posted

Hard to say what her intentions are. You could be right, on the other hand, she might be not too bright.

But I find it weird that a 39 year old man invites a 23 year old woman to his Facebook and also spends enough time alone with her talking that he knows about her private life and different problems she is dealing with.

 

It also seems pretty coincidental that his so called "skiing" trip was the same weekend he wanted to go away with this woman.

 

Something seems odd about the whole thing and he doesn't seem so innocent to me.

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Seraphim Grand Master

Seraphim

Posted
Posted
Hard to say what her intentions are. You could be right, on the other hand, she might be not too bright.

But I find it weird that a 39 year old man invites a 23 year old woman to his Facebook and also spends enough time alone with her talking that he knows about her private life and different problems she is dealing with.

 

It also seems pretty coincidental that his so called "skiing" trip was the same weekend he wanted to go away with this woman.

 

Something seems odd about the whole thing and he doesn't seem so innocent to me.

Then she isn’t innocent either. What is “ innocent” about going away or even being close to a man you KNOW is married and you yourself have a bf? That goes beyond stupidity.

 

It is I have met these home wreckers before, a few times. They call , “ innocently”, bullshyte.

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reinventmyself Grand Master

reinventmyself

Posted
Posted
His story is legit. He's saying he likes her less than she likes him, and him dropping her is proof of that.

 

The reason she contacted you was to get revenge on him - for dropping her.

 

The other woman is a liar.

 

But some line had to be crossed for this young woman thought there was a chance to begin with.

 

Of course there are bunny burners out there, but I think the husband would have mentioned the unwanted attention rather than denying he knows anything about it.

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reinventmyself Grand Master

reinventmyself

Posted
Posted
His story is legit. He's saying he likes her less than she likes him, and him dropping her is proof of that.

 

The reason she contacted you was to get revenge on him - for dropping her.

 

The other woman is a liar.

 

But some line had to be crossed if the young woman thought there was a chance to begin with.

Of course there are bunny burners out there, but I think the husband would have mentioned the unwanted attention rather than denying he knows anything about it.

 

But I find it weird that a 39 year old man invites a 23 year old woman to his Facebook and also spends enough time alone with her talking that he knows about her private life and different problems she is dealing with.

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SherrySher Grand Master

SherrySher

Posted
Posted
But some line had to be crossed if the young woman thought there was a chance to begin with.

 

That's what I am saying. Maybe he shouldn't be adding 23 year old women to his Facebook or sitting and talking to them and getting to know them..especially if he's a married man!

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reinventmyself Grand Master

reinventmyself

Posted
Posted

My ex H had a high school gf who stalked us off and on throughout our whole time together (20 yrs)

 

It was pretty well known that our marriage was failing in the end and to further add a wedge between the two of us, the ex gf thought to leave a provocative voice mail on our business answering service that I am pretty sure she knew I would receive.

 

Anyway, I'll never know if he had actually crossed the line with her, but what I do know is that she was vindictive and calculating enough to want to throw gas on a burning fire.

 

It worked, not because I thought he did anything, but more so because I didn't trust him in any other area to begin with and was sick of the drama.

 

Just sayin'

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Seraphim Grand Master

Seraphim

Posted
Posted
My ex H had a high school gf who stalked us off and on throughout our whole time together (20 yrs)

 

It was pretty well known that our marriage was failing in the end and to further add a wedge between the two of us, the ex gf thought to leave a provocative voice mail on our business answering service that I am pretty sure she knew I would receive.

 

Anyway, I'll never know if he had actually crossed the line with her, but what I do know is that she was vindictive and calculating enough to want to throw gas on a burning fire.

 

It worked, not because I thought he did anything, but more so because I didn't trust him in any other area and was sick of the drama.

 

Just sayin'

Yup lots of women like that. When we first moved here my husband gave our house number to a woman he thought was just a friend. Then she started calling at 6 AM to see if “ he needs a ride to work.” Well, he had already left for work and she was waking ME up. Finally, I said , “ bytch he has 3 of his own cars if he needs to go to work. Don’t call at this hour again.” She went to work and told him I was a “bytch”. He just shrugged.

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East4 Community Regular

East4

Posted
Posted

There are a few things that make me think that there is more going on than the husband is letting on.

 

    According to OP's husband currently there is a very remote acquaintanship between him and this girl, who is a FORMER employee of a company that works with his company. Which means normally there is no reason for them to cross paths:
    She then moved away to another state for a while and is now back doing deliveries again, but not with the company my husband uses. My husband said that he saw her a week ago driving by and he waved "hi" and that was about it for contact.
     
    Wouldn't you think that it is a rather extreme reaction for a man to FB block a remote acquaintance that he claims he had zero contact for months, if not years, apart from waving 'hi' to her. Even if she was inviting him to hang out and he didn't want that, or she was otherwise weird to him, a man would most probably just ignore the invites, than block this acqaintance, he wouldn't be bothered to do so. Men's threshold for FB blocking is in general much higher than women's; to FB block somebody a guy should be either totally pissed off by the person, or feeling threathened in some way. Whichever the reason, I'd say pretty strong a reaction to just an acquaintance.

 

    Then exactly the weekend the girl said she was supposed to meet the husband, he had a ski trip planned. Interesting coincidence. It would be useful to know when the ski trip was planned. I wouldn't be surprised if the ski idea came about the same time the girl's messages intensified on the husband's FB ("i miss you buddy"). These messages look like they are triggered by reconnecting with OP's husband, which is congruent with her statement that she confided in him. Which on the othe hand contradicts to what OP's husband said about NOT having contact with her since she left town, just waving to her when he accidently run into her. Another pertinent question: How does he know in the first place that she had returned to town if she works for a different company with no links to husband's work? Another question: How did she confide in OP's husband if he claims they never met after her return? Confiding in someone takes either a face-to face, or at least communication over phone, e-mail, text, FB. And some traces of this comm. might exist in the husband's phone/computer. I'd advise OP to first ask her husband if it is true that the girl confided in him about personal things. And if he says yes, then next question would be HOW, given that he claims he has no contact with her after she left town. OP could request her husbands phone and look for deleted messages, or conversation threads with holes in them (meaning some messages were deleted).

 


    What also strikes me is the husband's dismissive behavior to his wife's upset, he was either totally ignoring his wife's upset in the morning, or is downplaying her question on boundaries.
    He was trying to make light of it at times by saying stuff like "could I give you best friend a hug if she put her arms out first and you were standing right next to me".
    This looks more like an attempt to sweep the incident under the rug, rather than a loving husbnad who is open to answer any questions if this is what it takes to reassure his wife.

 


    OP's husband reaction seems off when OP mentioned that her colleague made a call to a divorce attorney. He immediately identified with the situation:
    A few weeks ago I came home and told my husband a story about my coworker getting an attorney (for a divorce) and he said "your not going to get an attorney are you" (being silly). Then he pointed at his ring and said this means forever.
    A person who has nothing to do with this type of situation would not project himself in it. And which role did he project himself into? Yes, that's right, in the role of the punished party. I think this incident made him realise all the things that he has to lose, if the "confessions" with his young female friend went too far...And this incident certainly played a role in him cancelling the "ski" trip and blocking the young female on FB. Finally he got to think with his upper head.

 

After having said all that, I'm personally convinced that OP's husband was on the verge to move from emotional to physical affair, but got cold feet before he did it. If the girl was just nuts, or homewrecker she would have dropped the A-bomb saying that OP's husband was physically cheating. But she didn't. What she reffers to as "confiding in him" and "long term friendship" are actually synonyms of an emotional affair. Because if it was just friendship, a bit unorthodox I must say with the 23-39 age gap, the husband would have introduced his "friend" to his wife.

 

There's this well-written article "The seduction of a married man" that describes the anatomy of an affair and what could be the driving forces for a married man to cheat.

 

https://ezinearticles.com/?The-Seduction-of-a-Married-Man&id=6846

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Jibralta Grand Master

Jibralta

Posted
Posted
We are all guessing though. I just KNOW you don’t “ innocently” call someone’s wife. She is 23 not 5.

 

Yeah, but some 23-year-olds can be dingbats.

 

*raises hand*

 

I know that at that age, I lacked understanding/appreciation of marriage. I didn't date married men; I just didn't see the gravity of the marriage-state.

 

I had a lot of male 'friends' and was convinced (naively) that they were all truly platonic. I remember one time, a guy gave me his home number and his work number. Then he told me not to call his home number because his secretary did laundry at his house and would get angry. I remember him and his friend sort of laughing about that. But I was like, whatever. He was some dude I met in a bar who was going to help me to buy a compound bow. I told him upfront that I had a boyfriend and I had no intention of breaking up with him or cheating.

 

So, the guy took me to get the bow. Then maybe a week or two later, on Valentine's Day, he called and tried to get me to hang out. He knew I had a boyfriend. When I said I was hanging out with my boyfriend, the guy actually tried to guilt me over it. I was like, "Sorry. I'll call you tomorrow."

 

When I called him, he didn't pick up the phone. So, I called the other number that HE GAVE ME. A woman answered, and BOY was she pissed to hear from me. The guy called not long after and yelled at me.

 

Now, I didn't call that number to get revenge. I called it because I actually (weirdly) did feel a little guilty/ bad for him after Valentine's Day. But after I called, he probably told his wife/girlfriend and any friends who might listen that I was a bunny boiler--even though he gave me that number.

 

That's not exactly a wife-calling scenario, but consider this: I had this male hairstylist who kept emphasizing to me over and over again through numerous visits that he and his wife lived together but had a platonic relationship--they basically lived their own lives and were cool with it. It eventually got through my thick skull that he could actually be hitting on me. And this was when I was like 26!

 

However, I really didn't think much about marriage at that age, and as far as I knew, a platonic marriage arrangement was in the realm of possibility. I stopped going to him because I was getting smart. But had it been a couple years earlier, I might have done the exact same thing as this 23-year old girl. Hey wifey, what's up with the hubs? Seriously. No malice intended.

 

It's probably crazy, especially in this world, but I've never identified as a sex object or an object of matrimony. So, I am often oblivious when men (and women) assign those values to me and expect me to act accordingly. My default setting is to be direct and upfront with my needs and wants, and I tend to (naively) assume that others are that way as well. And they often are not. I've definitely been lectured for not 'appreciating' what a man is doing by paying attention to me.

 

I've never been a malicious person. I'm just a little cockeyed with the damage control.

 

Anyway, enough about me. TLDR, I can see a world where this girl is not a vengeful homewrecker.

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