Am I right to discourage my husbands participation?

[mustlovedogs]

Why not just say you’ve thought about it and you realized you had nothing to be worried about? That would probably make him happy.

[abitbroken]

For me personally, I would want to do what I could to make a situation acceptable and happy for my husband if it was making him happy.

 

Would I be jealous or worried? Not after 30 some years of marriage. Besides the fact that I think all of us do worry about our partner losing interest or having feelings for someone else.

But unfortunately, that's what goes along with relationships. You have to trust blindly and hope that your partner won't do that to you.

 

Would we, or do we worry? Sure, but you can't control someone either or at least, you shouldn't.

 

You really do have to have complete faith and trust in your husband.

 

If it had been me, I think I would have asked to go with my husband and tried to get to know these people and become apart of another part of his life.

It would have been interesting and somewhat nice to somehow become apart of his school days.

I think you focused too much on having hurt feelings over him not asking but just the same, it was a minor oversight that could have easily been overcome.

You two could have shared this together and you could have listened in on their stories and found out more about your husband and his life.

 

I guess it's just how you look at it.

 

I would have suggested an event with spouses instead of crashing the classmate only thing, but good suggestion. or better yet, she can occupy her time with going out with her own friends.

I do think he is now "the guy with the controlling wife" if he no longer goes.

[abitbroken]

 

I'd have been more likely to go to one if my husband had asked me first. It was only after I told him that he should have invited me that he said I was welcome to come. He said he hadn't asked because he thought I would decline, because I'm uncomfortable around strangers and I wouldn't know anyone there -- and they would all know each other, making me the lone outsider.

 

Then you are making a fuss over nothing, Its like me being upset that my guy doesn't ask me to go for 4 wheeling trips that are in the middle of nowhere with no cell towers. We did once consider the idea that i could stay at the cabin and do nature photographs -- but ultimately it would not be fair for me to be stuck there by myself - feeling obligated to cook for everyone for something to do and not having contact with the outside world until they returned after dark. I am definitely into nature hikes, etc, but i would have been alone for two days pretty much. Only get upset someone doesn't invite you if its your favorite thing in the world and they know it

[abitbroken]

btw, if you are uncomfortable being with people you do not know, has this limited your husband's ability to make friends? He feels obligated to accommodate that?

[verona]

Jude23, I am a >30 yr faithful married man. You are totally correct and reasonable with your concerns. Your husband is swimming in treacherous waters! It is one of those hard things in life, because at face value it seems quite innocent. But what if your husband attended this meeting regularly for a year. There is something very familiar regarding old classmates that implies a long term connection, even if there wasn't at the time. The fact that your husband has had a 30 yr faithful marriage could only make him more desirable to one of those lecherous women. She is sitting at home alone, shopping and facing the world alone every day while you two have something she strongly desires. Your husband is also correct. I don't blame him for wanting to attend the lunches. Sounds like innocent fun. Now what if he attends these meetings for 9 months, and you two end up going through a bad patch in your marriage. He confides in one of these gals... The only thing you have in your favor is that at this age a man is not really looking for a woman of the same age and would definitely prefer someone younger. My wife is not the jealous type whatsoever, but she should not be happy at all about these meeting going on indefinitely.

[Wiseman2]

OK start there. Invite his friend and wife for dinner/drinks/brunch whatever. It be breaks the ice and you can befriend his friend and his wife. It's a step in the right direction indicating understanding and being sociable rather than leading with paranoia and jealousy and policing.

I could do that. And I do understand his need for friends.

[SherrySher]

one of those lecherous women.

 

lecherous? Hahaha.You make it sound like these women went to this lunch looking to get hot and heavy with anyone who smiled at them rather than to see how classmates are doing!

a man is not really looking for a woman of the same age and would definitely prefer someone younger.

 

I'm sorry, but that's laughable. No, not all men are lusting after young ones. Same for women, they aren't wishing and praying for a young guy. Most are quite happy they found someone to share their lives with at all! Is near impossible nowadays to find something/someone substantial. People don't take that for granted for a quick fling, young or not.. Or at least the smart ones don't.

Your poor wife.

[SherrySher]

I agree with Wiseman, invite his friend and wife to dinner. It's a step in the right direction.

[Jibralta]

Jude23, I am a >30 yr faithful married man. You are totally correct and reasonable with your concerns. Your husband is swimming in treacherous waters! It is one of those hard things in life, because at face value it seems quite innocent. But what if your husband attended this meeting regularly for a year. There is something very familiar regarding old classmates that implies a long term connection, even if there wasn't at the time. The fact that your husband has had a 30 yr faithful marriage could only make him more desirable to one of those lecherous women. She is sitting at home alone, shopping and facing the world alone every day while you two have something she strongly desires. Your husband is also correct. I don't blame him for wanting to attend the lunches. Sounds like innocent fun. Now what if he attends these meetings for 9 months, and you two end up going through a bad patch in your marriage. He confides in one of these gals... The only thing you have in your favor is that at this age a man is not really looking for a woman of the same age and would definitely prefer someone younger. My wife is not the jealous type whatsoever, but she should not be happy at all about these meeting going on indefinitely.

 

I think this is a good point. I don't think you're completely out of your mind for being concerned. I think it's important to avoid situations that can amplify moments of weakness or lapses in judgment. My boyfriend likes to say, "If you hang out at the barbershop long enough, you're bound to get a hair cut."

 

I don't know if asking him not to go was your best option, though. I think it would have been better if you asked him to go less frequently. Honestly, meeting the same 15+ people six times a year sounds like a little slice of hell to me. I'd thank you for giving me an excuse not to go!

[Jennifer2018]

why cant he go?

Are they in a public place? is brunch code for orgy?

 

As long as he wanted to go, and want coming home with lipstick stains, I think you need to ease up on this. Has he come back from one saying that someone made an inappropriate advance? Thats your only justification.

You mentioned in another post that you expected women to support this decision. If you had no cause, I wouldnt support taking something away from your husband that is innocent.

[Jennifer2018]

It's not him I don't trust; as far as I know he's never been unfaithful. It's the women I suspect. I'm sure some of them are single or divorced, and I've known women our age who seem desperate for a man. I'm not sure they would be deterred by his married status. And his naivety and kindness might be interpreted as encouragement. And who knows -- he might be tempted, anyone might be in certain circumstances.

 

I guess I do have a jealous streak, but it seems justified with all those women involved. No one can say for sure what may happen, so why tempt fate?

 

 

There are women everywhere out there that are single or divorced that are looking for a man. Its up to your husband to be faithful. Dont worry so much. In theory, these women all know about you, and respect the marriage.

[ThatwasThen]

Jude23, I am a >30 yr faithful married man. You are totally correct and reasonable with your concerns. Your husband is swimming in treacherous waters! It is one of those hard things in life, because at face value it seems quite innocent. But what if your husband attended this meeting regularly for a year. There is something very familiar regarding old classmates that implies a long term connection, even if there wasn't at the time. The fact that your husband has had a 30 yr faithful marriage could only make him more desirable to one of those lecherous women. She is sitting at home alone, shopping and facing the world alone every day while you two have something she strongly desires. Your husband is also correct. I don't blame him for wanting to attend the lunches. Sounds like innocent fun. Now what if he attends these meetings for 9 months, and you two end up going through a bad patch in your marriage. He confides in one of these gals... The only thing you have in your favor is that at this age a man is not really looking for a woman of the same age and would definitely prefer someone younger. My wife is not the jealous type whatsoever, but she should not be happy at all about these meeting going on indefinitely.

With that logic only men should work with men and women work with women. You make it sound like the man is without personal boundaries, good sense, love for his wife, trust in his own ability to stay faithful. Are you talking about your own short falls, verona and projecting them in this thread?

[Jude23]

The gatherings are in a public restaurant, and I don't think any of the women are necessarily setting out to find a man, and I certainly don't think my husband is looking for anyone or anything wrong. I'm concerned about what may develop in the long run, as a couple posters suggested.

 

Suppose, for example, one of the women starts sitting next to my husband every time. They would get to know each other over time, and likely walk out to their cars together. She could ask him for help with a small task around her house, something that needs another pair of hands and wouldn't take long. Completely innocent. He's a nice guy and would find it very hard to refuse. So maybe that turns into coffee together, and more talk. They had a common high school background -- classes, teachers, sports, etc. Plenty of reminiscing, maybe some sentimental feelings about their youth. Generating a mutual attraction isn't far fetched.

 

I realize I'm speculating a lot, but such things do happen. Why give temptation a chance?

[SherrySher]

If that were to happen, then there's something wrong with your husband. Because a faithful man, should by theory, be in any situation and can be trusted to stay loyal to his wife.

 

If you're doubting him, then you need to ask yourself why and ask yourself if your marriage is not going so well.

 

Nice guy doesn't necessarily mean push over. Perhaps he's not asserting his boundaries properly or giving women the wrong idea. Again, if that's the case, then you need to talk to him.

 

There's nice, and then there is someone who can easily be convinced. Huge difference.

[Jennifer2018]

Im sorry, I dont feel this is reasonable.

If there is a mutual attraction that is generated, you should look at what is wrong with your marriage.

[ThatwasThen]

The gatherings are in a public restaurant, and I don't think any of the women are necessarily setting out to find a man, and I certainly don't think my husband is looking for anyone or anything wrong. I'm concerned about what may develop in the long run, as a couple posters suggested.

 

Suppose, for example, one of the women starts sitting next to my husband every time. They would get to know each other over time, and likely walk out to their cars together. She could ask him for help with a small task around her house, something that needs another pair of hands and wouldn't take long. Completely innocent. He's a nice guy and would find it very hard to refuse. So maybe that turns into coffee together, and more talk. They had a common high school background -- classes, teachers, sports, etc. Plenty of reminiscing, maybe some sentimental feelings about their youth. Generating a mutual attraction isn't far fetched.

 

I realize I'm speculating a lot, but such things do happen. Why give temptation a chance?

So, instead of coming across as an insecure, jealous shrew who doesn't trust her husband as far as she can throw him, why don't you lay down some boundaries that would keep him 'safe' from being lured into the den of a harlot? 0.o

 

The boundary you can suggest (and hopefully he will agree to) is that he is not allowed to go to any of the women's homes or out with any of them one-on-one without you. PERIOD and he is not to grace them with his handyman skills but he can suggest a good carpenter/plumber/gardener etc.

[tattoobunnie]

Go with him once to meet his old friends, then go do your own things with good friends at the same time. I'm sure your husband knows how to keep his pants on! And once in a while go, or invite more friends!

[Jude23]

So, instead of coming across as an insecure, jealous shrew who doesn't trust her husband as far as she can throw him, why don't you lay down some boundaries that would keep him 'safe' from being lured into the den of a harlot? 0.o

 

The boundary you can suggest (and hopefully he will agree to) is that he is not allowed to go to any of the women's homes or out with any of them one-on-one without you. PERIOD and he is not to grace them with his handyman skills but he can suggest a good carpenter/plumber/gardener etc.

 

Interesting you should suggest this. In fact it was one of the options we discussed. He agreed without hesitation. Shortly afterward he got a social media "hello" from one of the women, and a Christmas card from another. The card included a short handwritten note -- it wasn't intimate or suggestive but it was very friendly. I asked him a few questions about who they were & had they sat next to him (the card person had). That led to a discussion -- maybe somewhere between a discussion and an argument.

 

It concluded with him saying he was tired of talking about it and it wasn't worth the aggravation, so he wouldn't go to another gathering. I raised the possibility the next time they were due for one but he said no pretty firmly, he wouldn't attend again.

[Jude23]

Go with him once to meet his old friends, then go do your own things with good friends at the same time. I'm sure your husband knows how to keep his pants on! And once in a while go, or invite more friends!

 

I would do this if we could go back in time and re-do the whole thing. I'm not sure it would tame my unease but I'd be willing to try. But at this point, because of too many prolonged discussions -- a couple of which led to arguments about digressive issues -- he's not willing to resume attending. Even though I feel guilty about my role in that, and about any resentment he might have about it, I'm relieved that he won't be going. He's firm on that.

[tattoobunnie]

You essentially called him a cheater, and isolating him from hanging out with friend. You also insulted all the women thinking they were just predators. I would apologize. Don't try to justify why you did what you did...you took the air out of the whole get-together. Just apologize with that you may have just been feeling insecure.

[SherrySher]

I would be annoyed if not upset at some woman sending my husband a card with a personal note.

 

Everyone has different rules on what they're comfortable with, obviously, but I wouldn't be cool with it.

 

I hope you and he do go out to dinner with his guy friend and his wife. As for the group thing, probably a good idea that it's done.

[SherrySher]

I don't agree tattobunny.

 

I was on board with it and thought she might have gone over board until she mentioned the card and this woman getting friendly.

I hate that crap.

 

That woman knew he was married, you don't go sending married men cards and calling it "friends"...bull, she wants a friend.

She's a grown woman, she can find friends elsewhere.

 

I actually can now understand why Jude was upset.

 

Some people take things too far, but in this case, the woman at the lunch was pushing boundaries.

I would be glad if my husband stopped going too.

 

Like Jibralta said, if you hang around a barber shop for too long, you're bound to get a haircut.

 

Married people have a right to what they're comfortable with or not comfortable with.

[ThatwasThen]

Interesting you should suggest this. In fact it was one of the options we discussed. He agreed without hesitation. Shortly afterward he got a social media "hello" from one of the women, and a Christmas card from another. The card included a short handwritten note -- it wasn't intimate or suggestive but it was very friendly. I asked him a few questions about who they were & had they sat next to him (the card person had). That led to a discussion -- maybe somewhere between a discussion and an argument.

 

It concluded with him saying he was tired of talking about it and it wasn't worth the aggravation, so he wouldn't go to another gathering. I raised the possibility the next time they were due for one but he said no pretty firmly, he wouldn't attend again.

 

Its rather odd that you were looking for votes on your side that the gathering is inappropriate yet you didn't give us that information until like page three of your thread.

 

Getting involved online when you are not part of the discussion is, in my opinion inappropriate particularly when you do not know the woman in question.

 

You've talked him out of it to the point that you took the fun out of his social interaction with the group so why don't you talk to your hubby about inviting the male friend and his date/partner to your home or out as a foursome. Your husband needs friends... as do you.

[Seraphim]

The fellow I sing with I give him a Christmas card. He is married, but I address it to him and his wife.

[ThatwasThen]

The fellow I sing with I give him a Christmas card. He is married, but I address it to him and his wife.

 

That is appropriate