What to do about a friend that keeps borrowing money from me?

[melancholy123]

I agree, its like I didn't see it as enabling her because I was blinded by my pity for her situation. I realize it now that she probably doesn't *need* the money when she asks for it. It's really really hard for me to imagine my best friend conning me since I feel like I know her so well, but its very possible that's the case.

Also she is going to pay me for house-sitting, or at least she says she is going to.

 

The person who screwed me out of $100 was someone I considered a really good friend, knew her for years. But in the end she wasnt a good friend. No more than the girl you keep giving money to, she's not a friend either, she's a user and you are an enabler. Stop being a push over.

[Hollyj]

I can;t understand why you keep on giving her money! You are not her family! Stop being a doormat!

 

Do not lend friends money!

[Hollyj]

Thanks for your reply. It would be so much easier if her mother was an actual decent person that gives her daughter money when in need. But you are right, I'm really not obligated to lend her money at this point. I think I will have to put my foot down the next time she asks for money because lets be real, she's going to.

Not your problem. You are making it worse and are enabling her. You are a big part of the problem.

 

She is not your friend. She sees that you have zero boundaries and has taken advantage of it. Do not give her any more money. You will never see your money again.

 

Do you always allow people to take advantage of you like this?

 

Stop the house sitting, too.

[chitown9]

You are not in a position to give her money and you never were in a position to give her money. This needs to STOP! chi

[Annia]

I agree, its like I didn't see it as enabling her because I was blinded by my pity for her situation. I realize it now that she probably doesn't *need* the money when she asks for it. It's really really hard for me to imagine my best friend conning me since I feel like I know her so well, but its very possible that's the case.

Also she is going to pay me for house-sitting, or at least she says she is going to.

 

If she's not paying you what she owes you nor setting up a plan to pay you, what makes you think she'll pay house sitting?

[catfeeder]

What to do about a friend that keeps borrowing money from me?

 

Stop loaning her money, and take her to small claims court for the amount she owes you.

[Wiseman2]

You don't need lies, you need boundaries. No is very simple. keep in mind the more you give her without any paperwork or repayment the more courts may view these as "gifts". Don't be foolish or buy friendship, although this is no friend. You are being scammed.

 

Stop listening to her pity stories and typical scam tales. Demand repayment in writing asap. Send it to her notarized with amounts, dates, details and a date that it must be repaid by and what action will be taken if repayment is not made by that date.

A stupid mistake I've done that may come back to bite me is that I've told her how much savings I have (which is like 90% student loan money) so I am afraid she'll call me out on it if I say I'm broke.

[East4]

Hi annie. I'm really sorry for you finding yourself in this situation, this is so unpleasant especially with the Holidays comming soon, which is related to even more spending on gifts and restaurants.

 

Perhaps there is still a way to turn things around and get your money back, but it will require determination and hardening of your heart. In defense to the hardening of the heart, I would say that you have full rights to pursue a reimboursement of the loan you gave your friend, by all norms-legal and human you are entitled to get your money back. Your friend has been taking you for a ride and abusing your kindness and generocity. This has to stop, you are not a fool. Just a side note, you are familiar with the saying that "If one is in need of a money loan there are 3 categories of people one could go to, all of them starting with F: Family, Friends and ...Fools." For the time your friend was paying you back, you were pertaining to the second F category, but I'm afraid that with the latest development you are sliding into the third F group...

 

Do you have any document certifying the loan, signed by your "friend"?

 

So, here is a plan. Certainly with the holidays around the corner, your "friend" will reach out for yet another loan. Agree with her request and ask to meet her to hand her the money. At the meeting you show up with a short document along these lines: "I, the undersigned [your friend's name] owe to my friend Ms. [your name] the amount of X$ that I am obligated to pay back in bi-weekly installements of X$ by [certain] date. Passed the due date, I agree that Ms. [your name] recover the amount due through the Small Claims court, or another leagal procedure. Signature. Date and Place."

 

Then you make sure that your friend signed the document and then you leave without handing any more money. If she objects, then you reply that you have changed your mind and that you could only lent her more money once she paid back the amount due, as per the signed agreement. Like that you have covered your bases and I very much doubt that she would demand more money. You will also have a legal instrument to seek recovery of your 2,600$ which is a good amount to activate a small claims court or the appropriate procedure applicatble in your state.

 

Keep in mind that people with BPD are manipulative and your friend will employ all tactics ("poor me", "you are a bad friend", "how could you even think to take me to court") and you have to remain firm. You will be doing her a favor to teach her respect for her friends and financial responsibility. I bet her mom is just fed up to give her daughter money that she squanders freely on luxury, instead of paying her bills and rent.

 

Good luck and pleaseupdate us on what happened.

[Hollyj]

Hi annie. I'm really sorry for you finding yourself in this situation, this is so unpleasant especially with the Holidays comming soon, which is related to even more spending on gifts and restaurants.

 

Perhaps there is still a way to turn things around and get your money back, but it will require determination and hardening of your heart. In defense to the hardening of the heart, I would say that you have full rights to pursue a reimboursement of the loan you gave your friend, by all norms-legal and human you are entitled to get your money back. Your friend has been taking you for a ride and abusing your kindness and generocity. This has to stop, you are not a fool. Just a side note, you are familiar with the saying that "If one is in need of a money loan there are 3 categories of people one could go to, all of them starting with F: Family, Friends and ...Fools." For the time your friend was paying you back, you were pertaining to the second F category, but I'm afraid that with the latest development you are sliding into the third F group...

 

Do you have any document certifying the loan, signed by your "friend"?

 

So, here is a plan. Certainly with the holidays around the corner, your "friend" will reach out for yet another loan. Agree with her request and ask to meet her to hand her the money. At the meeting you show up with a short document along these lines: "I, the undersigned [your friend's name] owe to my friend Ms. [your name] the amount of X$ that I am obligated to pay back in bi-weekly installements of X$ by [certain] date. Passed the due date, I agree that Ms. [your name] recover the amount due through the Small Claims court, or another leagal procedure. Signature. Date and Place."

 

Then you make sure that your friend signed the document and then you leave without handing any more money. If she objects, then you reply that you have changed your mind and that you could only lent her more money once she paid back the amount due, as per the signed agreement. Like that you have covered your bases and I very much doubt that she would demand more money. You will also have a legal instrument to seek recovery of your 2,600$ which is a good amount to activate a small claims court or the appropriate procedure applicatble in your state.

 

Keep in mind that people with BPD are manipulative and your friend will employ all tactics ("poor me", "you are a bad friend", "how could you even think to take me to court") and you have to remain firm. You will be doing her a favor to teach her respect for her friends and financial responsibility. I bet her mom is just fed up to give her daughter money that she squanders freely on luxury, instead of paying her bills and rent.

 

Good luck and pleaseupdate us on what happened.

Great advice. Also, do not EVER give her money again! You need to stop trying to buy your friendships!

[Jibralta]

It's really really hard for me to imagine my best friend conning me

 

Here is a good test of friendship: Stop lending her money and doing her favors for free. If she stops talking to you, you'll know she was never a friend.

 

Also, if you continue to lend her money after she stopped paying you back, it will be almost impossible for you to successfully sue her for what she owes you. Lending her more money after she has not payed back what she owes can be construed as you forgiving the debt--because you are giving her money knowing that she doesn't repay.

[Hollyj]

Here is a good test of friendship: Stop lending her money and doing her favors for free. If she stops talking to you, you'll know she was never a friend.

 

Also, if you continue to lend her money after she stopped paying you back, it will be almost impossible for you to successfully sue her for what she owes you. Lending her more money after she has not payed back what she owes can be construed as you forgiving the debt--because you are giving her money knowing that she doesn't repay.

 

Great answer!

[catfeeder]

Here is a good test of friendship: Stop lending her money and doing her favors for free. If she stops talking to you, you'll know she was never a friend.

 

Also, if you continue to lend her money after she stopped paying you back, it will be almost impossible for you to successfully sue her for what she owes you. Lending her more money after she has not payed back what she owes can be construed as you forgiving the debt--because you are giving her money knowing that she doesn't repay.

 

While this can be true, bringing the claim can induce a settlement before court. It's worth the try, since the alternative is to recover squat.

[nutbrownhare]

Stop worrying about 'sounding' horrible. For yourself, and your own emotional health, you need to establish better boundaries so that when you need to say 'No', for a perfectly legitimate reason, you don't then feel guilty about it.

 

As everyone else on here has said, stop lending her money, stop treating this supposed adult as if she were a needy little girl and let her stand on her own two feet. Neither you nor her mother owe her a living - especially not as she spends so much of it on non-essentials - but she'll continue to behave like this for as long as you carry on bankrolling her.