We haven't had any discussions about the future of our relationship..

[abitbroken]

I don't go to school things anyway. I work full time and can't take time out for that, of course if it's super important I will go but I can't due to working. Of course if it was important I would simply fly back.

My ex has his parents for help if he has to swap his weekends, we don't do weekend swaps.

 

Maybe I could rent a hotel while I'm over here for my weekend, or Air BnB, there are heaps of options for accomodation. We hardly stay home when I have my son anyway, as we are out and about doing activties. So that would just be a place to sleep, a hotel would be fine.

 

Or yes as he is 9 he could fly over to our place for the weekend, which is allowed for 9 year olds on flights. I would pick him up from the airport, and how cool and lucky would that be he gets to travel and sight see with his mom and see new places.. what's wrong with that?

 

If my bf has reservations now about ever living with me because he doesn't want me to live in a different city to my kids.. well whats the point then?

If he never wants to live with me? What is the point of that?

 

I know for a fact he is in love with me, loyal and is 100% committed to this relationship right now. He is coming back home for the holidays and we will be spending 3 weeks together.

 

Wow. just wow

"i can't take time off of work" for my kid. you know recitals, plays, etc are at night?

 

The bottom line is that your boyfriend does not want you moving at this point and you are already imagining how it will be for your child if you live in another state....

[OceanMoon18]

Wow. just wow

"i can't take time off of work" for my kid. you know recitals, plays, etc are at night?

 

The bottom line is that your boyfriend does not want you moving at this point and you are already imagining how it will be for your child if you live in another state....

 

I honestly think you are being negative and passing unfair judgements here.

 

You don't know how I am as a parent, you don't know any background with the kid stuff. That wasn't what I was asking.

Instead your making assumptions for a situation you don't know.

[OceanMoon18]

Wow. just wow

"i can't take time off of work" for my kid. you know recitals, plays, etc are at night?

 

The bottom line is that your boyfriend does not want you moving at this point and you are already imagining how it will be for your child if you live in another state....

 

And essentially this post was to ask the simple question being, at 16 months in this situation in the relationship should we of had this discussion about future plans already.. and is it weird that we haven't spoken about it, and he hasn't mentioned it.

[abitbroken]

I am still worried to bring this up.. what if I ruin the dynamics of how everything is going really well now, by coming across like I want to much and what if it pushes him away and disrupts how good things have been lately.

 

That's why I was thinking I would wait for him to bring it up.. but it annoys the hell out of me because I keep thinking to myself, would other couples in our situation already have had this discussion.. is this not normal?

 

We hardly ever had "TALKS" about "where things are going". we talked about what we wanted in a relationship in general at the very beginning. And we let the relationship happen. At one point we decided it was time to seriously talk about getting married. But not at the 16 month mark. I didn't constantly take the temperature of the relationship.

 

I think because you brought it up last...give him the space to bring it up. Don't ask right away again.

 

Y///////////////

[abitbroken]

I honestly think you are being negative and passing unfair judgements here.

 

You don't know how I am as a parent, you don't know any background with the kid stuff. That wasn't what I was asking.

Instead your making assumptions for a situation you don't know.

 

I do know -- as a direct quite from you -- that your boyfriend does NOT want you moving right now. You are already thinking about how life would work when you move, and he doesn't want you to do that.

Do not put the cart before the horse. He may decide he even doesn't like the area he is working in. who knows.

 

But let's be real -- it just seems that you are more concerned about being with the boyfriend and the kid seems secondary right now*

[bluecastle]

Whoa—things are getting a little fiery on here.

 

OMoon, the more you write the more I think it's worth taking a minute to reflect on what's going on here. You're into your job, not wanting to move for at least six months. Six months is a lot of time, so I'd be finding ways to lean into that space, that present, that, dare I say, moment. That your life, right now, is being where you are, exploring this space, without too much focus on what's next.

 

That said, I don't think that means not having some kind of chat. Heck, you can let him know, in the chat, that you're not looking for something to change tomorrow, that you're happy with where you are, plan on being where you are for a least half a year. But that, in the larger sense, you are thinking about the distance, that you'd like it to not be permanent, and that you'd like to have space for that to be something you guys navigate.

 

I think your thorn—and this might be a difference in natures—is that you are kind of a future planner and he is not. I can relate to both sides.

 

I'm not much of a future planner in the traditional sense. I buy plane tickets last minute. As I write this, I have no idea where I'll be in 5 days. Costa Rica, where I'm currently sitting? New York? Los Angeles? This is how I live, and it's frustrating to others, sometimes to myself. So, ask me about "the future" and there's always a shot you'll get something unsatisfying. I might stutter and go mute. I might speak in lofty poetics. I might—to bring things back around—need a little delicate pushing to find the middle ground.

 

All that is just to say: I can't quite tell what you're trying to get out of him, right now, that you're not getting. Is it simply making sure you're not the only one who, in the grand scheme, is thinking about ways to bridge the geographic gap now separating you guys?

[OceanMoon18]

Whoa—things are getting a little fiery on here.

 

OMoon, the more you write the more I think it's worth taking a minute to reflect on what's going on here. You're into your job, not wanting to move for at least six months. Six months is a lot of time, so I'd be finding ways to lean into that space, that present, that, dare I say, moment. That your life, right now, is being where you are, exploring this space, without too much focus on what's next.

 

That said, I don't think that means not having some kind of chat. Heck, you can let him know, in the chat, that you're not looking for something to change tomorrow, that you're happy with where you are, plan on being where you are for a least half a year. But that, in the larger sense, you are thinking about the distance, that you'd like it to not be permanent, and that you'd like to have space for that to be something you guys navigate.

 

I think your thorn—and this might be a difference in natures—is that you are kind of a future planner and he is not. I can relate to both sides.

 

I'm not much of a future planner in the traditional sense. I buy plane tickets last minute. As I write this, I have no idea where I'll be in 5 days. Costa Rica, where I'm currently sitting? New York? Los Angeles? This is how I live, and it's frustrating to others, sometimes to myself. So, ask me about "the future" and there's always a shot you'll get something unsatisfying. I might stutter and go mute. I might speak in lofty poetics. I might—to bring things back around—need a little delicate pushing to find the middle ground.

 

All that is just to say: I can't quite tell what you're trying to get out of him, right now, that you're not getting. Is it simply making sure you're not the only one who, in the grand scheme, is thinking about ways to bridge the geographic gap now separating you guys?

 

You hit the nail on the head here!

 

He sounds like you in the sense that he is very spontaneous, he lives life to the fullest and he isn't much of a planner. I am a planner, also a woman (may come across sexist) but woman do like planning things, and like to be in the know about the relationships movements (well some, I can speak for myself here).

 

He also would never be the one to bring up things first.. he just lets things unfold, but say if you were in my situation and if you were him in this scenario.. would after 16 months your GF bringing this up push you away? I don't want to risk ruining such a good thing now by coming across pushy.. or freaking him out and him running away.

 

Also 6 months is a long time.. just thinking about that pains me. I would move there sooner than that if he asked me to. I would love to be living with him, but I guess maybe that is too soon... because that involves moving country and he would probably only make that offer if he proposed to me?

 

So does that mean that the only reason he would ask me to move there would be if he wanted to get engaged with me?

[OceanMoon18]

Whoa—things are getting a little fiery on here.

 

OMoon, the more you write the more I think it's worth taking a minute to reflect on what's going on here. You're into your job, not wanting to move for at least six months. Six months is a lot of time, so I'd be finding ways to lean into that space, that present, that, dare I say, moment. That your life, right now, is being where you are, exploring this space, without too much focus on what's next.

 

That said, I don't think that means not having some kind of chat. Heck, you can let him know, in the chat, that you're not looking for something to change tomorrow, that you're happy with where you are, plan on being where you are for a least half a year. But that, in the larger sense, you are thinking about the distance, that you'd like it to not be permanent, and that you'd like to have space for that to be something you guys navigate.

 

I think your thorn—and this might be a difference in natures—is that you are kind of a future planner and he is not. I can relate to both sides.

 

I'm not much of a future planner in the traditional sense. I buy plane tickets last minute. As I write this, I have no idea where I'll be in 5 days. Costa Rica, where I'm currently sitting? New York? Los Angeles? This is how I live, and it's frustrating to others, sometimes to myself. So, ask me about "the future" and there's always a shot you'll get something unsatisfying. I might stutter and go mute. I might speak in lofty poetics. I might—to bring things back around—need a little delicate pushing to find the middle ground.

 

All that is just to say: I can't quite tell what you're trying to get out of him, right now, that you're not getting. Is it simply making sure you're not the only one who, in the grand scheme, is thinking about ways to bridge the geographic gap now separating you guys?

 

 

All I want to know is will we eventually be together living in the same city.. I don't want to do long distance forever, it's not easy. Of course I miss him, at the same time I am getting on with my life here and keeping busy.

 

He might say he doesn't know.. well he should know by the point after 16 months.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I don't go to school things anyway. I work full time and can't take time out for that, of course if it's super important I will go but I can't due to working. Of course if it was important I would simply fly back.

My ex has his parents for help if he has to swap his weekends, we don't do weekend swaps.

 

Maybe I could rent a hotel while I'm over here for my weekend, or Air BnB, there are heaps of options for accomodation. We hardly stay home when I have my son anyway, as we are out and about doing activties. So that would just be a place to sleep, a hotel would be fine.

 

Or yes as he is 9 he could fly over to our place for the weekend, which is allowed for 9 year olds on flights. I would pick him up from the airport, and how cool and lucky would that be he gets to travel and sight see with his mom and see new places.. what's wrong with that?

 

If my bf has reservations now about ever living with me because he doesn't want me to live in a different city to my kids.. well whats the point then?

If he never wants to live with me? What is the point of that?

 

I know for a fact he is in love with me, loyal and is 100% committed to this relationship right now. He is coming back home for the holidays and we will be spending 3 weeks together.

 

Excuse me for being judgmental, I apologize in advance... you don’t go to school things?You work full time so YOU DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT? And you’re putting a 9 year old on a plane ALONE? I’m done here. Good luck with the guy! Yikes. Get your priorities straight.

[OceanMoon18]

Excuse me for being judgmental, I apologize in advance... you “don’t go to school things? You work full time so YOU DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT”? And you’re putting a 9 year old on a plane ALONE? I’m done here. Good luck with the guy!

 

Lol people like you are branded judgemental.

 

I meant during the day I don't go to school things as I'm at work!

 

Obviously if its something at night I would attend! To date there hasn't been big school events that either parents have attended or child.

Like rugby prize giving, because he didn't like rugby and doesn't play it.

[milly007]

I am still worried to bring this up.. what if I ruin the dynamics of how everything is going really well now, by coming across like I want to much and what if it pushes him away and disrupts how good things have been lately.

 

That's why I was thinking I would wait for him to bring it up.. but it annoys the hell out of me because I keep thinking to myself, would other couples in our situation already have had this discussion.. is this not normal?

 

When I'm in a committed relationship with someone, I'm committing myself to a relationship with someone who sees a future with me, and vice-versa.

 

I'm not willing to commit to someone who says, 'let's play it by ear and see how it goes'.

 

Sure, maybe things won't play out as I had initially hoped, but at least I'm investing my time in someone who has similar long-term relationship goals.

 

When you two began dating, did you discuss what you were each looking for? Were you both looking for something long-term? Casual? What was discussed?

 

After investing 16 months with someone, I think you should both be comfortable discussing future plans.

 

If you see yourself moving at some point after a certain period of time, discuss this with him and see what he thinks. Ask him what his thoughts are and what he wants out of the relationship.

 

If you think that the relationship should be taken to the next level, tell him how you feel. Clearly you see and want a future with him.

 

Question is, whether he sees this and feels this way as well.

 

If he does, great. If he doesn't, or if he doesn't know right now, you have to determine whether you want to continue investing in the relationship as it is.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I don't think your request to discuss where your relationship is going is unreasonable; nor would I think it's fair if your boyfriend tried to avoid the conversation and sweep it under the rug.

 

At 16 months, if you both have similar relationship goals (and yours is clearly long-term), I would say that he should have a vision of where he can see things going in the future, or where he wants them to go. If he says he "doesn't know" (which from what I recall, he has said this in the past), and/or expresses concerns regarding your son, this is telling. It could mean he's more of a live-in-the-moment type of guy, doesn't see a future, isn't sure, etc. If it does come to this, you will have to determine whether this is an answer you can live with.

 

And if he pushes you away as a result of this conversation, is this someone you want to continue investing your time in?

 

Just some things to consider.

[boltnrun]

You hit the nail on the head here!

 

He sounds like you in the sense that he is very spontaneous, he lives life to the fullest and he isn't much of a planner. I am a planner, also a woman (may come across sexist) but woman do like planning things, and like to be in the know about the relationships movements (well some, I can speak for myself here).

 

He also would never be the one to bring up things first.. he just lets things unfold, but say if you were in my situation and if you were him in this scenario.. would after 16 months your GF bringing this up push you away? I don't want to risk ruining such a good thing now by coming across pushy.. or freaking him out and him running away.

 

Also 6 months is a long time.. just thinking about that pains me. I would move there sooner than that if he asked me to. I would love to be living with him, but I guess maybe that is too soon... because that involves moving country and he would probably only make that offer if he proposed to me?

 

So does that mean that the only reason he would ask me to move there would be if he wanted to get engaged with me?

 

That's quite a leap...from "let's just go with the flow" and getting annoyed with you for asking to him wanting to get engaged.

 

I know you are hoping for that, but you're afraid to even ask him anything about the future for fear of running him off!

 

And what if he did "run off"? Don't you want to know if he's committed and sees you in his future? Wouldn't you want to know if he doesn't?

[OceanMoon18]

When I'm in a committed relationship with someone, I'm committing myself to a relationship with someone who sees a future with me, and vice-versa.

 

I'm not willing to commit to someone who says, 'let's play it by ear and see how it goes'.

 

Sure, maybe things won't play out as I had hoped, but at least I'm investing my time in someone who has similar long-term relationship goals.

 

When you two began dating, did you discuss what you were each looking for? Were you both looking for something long-term? Casual? What was discussed?

 

After investing 16 months with someone, I think you should both be comfortable discussing future plans.

 

If you see yourself moving at some point after a certain period of time, discuss this with him and see what he thinks. Ask him what his thoughts are and what he wants out of the relationship.

 

If you think that the relationship should be taken to the next level, tell him how you feel. Clearly you see and want a future with him.

 

Question is, whether he sees this and feels this way as well.

 

If he does, great. If he doesn't, or if he doesn't know right now, you have to determine whether you want to continue investing in the relationship as it is.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I don't think your request to discuss where your relationship is going is unreasonable; nor would I think it's fair if your boyfriend tried to avoid the conversation and sweep it under the rug.

 

At 16 months, if you both have similar relationship goals (and yours is clearly long-term), I would say that he should have a vision of where he can see things going in the future, or where he wants them to go. If he says he "doesn't know" (which from what I recall, he has said this in the past), and/or expresses concerns regarding your son, this is telling. It could mean he's more of a live-in-the-moment type of guy, doesn't see a future, isn't sure, etc. If it does come to this, you will have to determine whether this is an answer you can live with.

 

And if he pushes you away as a result of this conversation, is this someone you want to continue investing your time in?

 

Just some things to consider.

 

Thank you!

 

I agree. Very valid points made.

[OceanMoon18]

That's quite a leap...from "let's just go with the flow" and getting annoyed with you for asking to him wanting to get engaged.

 

I know you are hoping for that, but you're afraid to even ask him anything about the future for fear of running him off!

 

And what if he did "run off"? Don't you want to know if he's committed and sees you in his future? Wouldn't you want to know if he doesn't?

 

 

That is a good point! Thanks

[DaisyMayPorter]

Lol people like you are branded judgemental.

 

I meant during the day I don't go to school things as I'm at work!

 

Obviously if its something at night I would attend! To date there hasn't been big school events that either parents have attended or child.

Like rugby prize giving, because he didn't like rugby and doesn't play it.

 

I was just repeating what you wrote. As a parent you should take time out of your work schedule if something happens during the day. I work full time too, and like you I just started a new job, but sometimes things like holiday concerts, book fairs, etc happen during the day and you have to take a few hours off.

 

My point was to rearrange your priorities. Like maybe stop flying to another state for some guy who doesn’t seem very committed to you and take those three hours that you would have been flying and hang out with your kid.

Or work on yourself. The guy seems too important to you, but you’re not very important to him.

[Robert4444]

I’m suggesting that you just ask him what his plans are for your future.

I have made the mistake of worrying about the other persons reaction or wondering why haven’t they said anything.

I had to learn to ask for what I wanted regardless of what I thought the other person would say or react.

 

If you base your decisions on what he is thinking nothing will happen.

Until you ask yourself you may never know.

Unless you take responsibility for your life you will never get what you really want.Nobody else knows what you want except you.

What’s he going to say?Either yes or no and you might be just as afraid he will say yes and that’s why you haven’t asked yourself.

[Hollyj]

Why don't you have custody of your child?

[Capricorn3]

Why don't you have custody of your child?

 

I was going to ask that too.

[bluecastle]

You hit the nail on the head here!

 

He sounds like you in the sense that he is very spontaneous, he lives life to the fullest and he isn't much of a planner. I am a planner, also a woman (may come across sexist) but woman do like planning things, and like to be in the know about the relationships movements (well some, I can speak for myself here).

 

He also would never be the one to bring up things first.. he just lets things unfold, but say if you were in my situation and if you were him in this scenario.. would after 16 months your GF bringing this up push you away? I don't want to risk ruining such a good thing now by coming across pushy.. or freaking him out and him running away.

 

Also 6 months is a long time.. just thinking about that pains me. I would move there sooner than that if he asked me to. I would love to be living with him, but I guess maybe that is too soon... because that involves moving country and he would probably only make that offer if he proposed to me?

 

So does that mean that the only reason he would ask me to move there would be if he wanted to get engaged with me?

 

I can't predict his response. But I think it's a little confusing that, on one hand, you feel he is totally committed and totally in love, but on another you feel any mention of the future would spook him. I can't help but think there's some anxiety about his commitment level under that—whether that's your default mode or something you're picking up from him, I can't say.

 

I'm not a planner, like I said, and I do live spontaneously. I also do get into relationships, seek them, and when I'm in one that's big and important talks about the future are kind of a main feature: my future, her future, where we see ourselves. Those are dinner chats, between the sheets chats, an ongoing dialogue. I'm also pretty explicit about what I'm looking for in romance: a partner, someone to build and share a life with, by rules we invent together, and how much that excites me.

 

The only exception to that was my last relationship, which as detailed was built on a weird, dysfunctional foundation. For me, it's a blueprint about how not to build a relationship, and I own my part in fostering that dysfunction.

 

Lastly, I'll say this. I've been in very serious relationships, relationships that I'm committed to, but something like moving in just isn't quite in my mental vision yet. Nor, generally, do I particularly equate moving in and/or putting a ring on it as "leveling up." But I recognize others do, and as I get older I lean there myself. Anyhow, I remember in one relationship my gf casually suggested we move in when I was forced to leave an apartment. I did get spooked—for a second—but it also led to a great talk and an awesome, unconventional version of living together that served as both for almost two years.

[Wiseman2]

You had your son at 17 y/o? Perhaps being a teen mother makes you want to relive your teen/youth days in a carefree way and just let the child's father and family take care of everything?

my BF(M28) me (f26) . My ex has his parents for help if he has to swap his weekends, we don't do weekend swaps. he is 9 he could fly over to our place for the weekend, which is allowed for 9 year olds on flights.

[Batya33]

I am still worried to bring this up.. what if I ruin the dynamics of how everything is going really well now, by coming across like I want to much and what if it pushes him away and disrupts how good things have been lately.

 

That's why I was thinking I would wait for him to bring it up.. but it annoys the hell out of me because I keep thinking to myself, would other couples in our situation already have had this discussion.. is this not normal?

 

I don't think spontaneous people commit any less often -just means they enjoy being spontaneous when it is fun, interesting, in their best interests. A person who wants to commit to another person presumably also doesn't want their person snapped up by someone else, so the person wants the special person to know his or her feelings and intentions. You don't commit out of fear but part of it is to make sure that both of you want to be with only each other "for better or for worse' and if you care that much you want the other person to know "you want the rest of your life to start right now" (Harry and Sally )

 

My husband doesn't love planning in advance like I do, he is more spontaneous than me. And it was in his best interests to ask me out in advance given how busy I was and he was when we were dating and as far as the future to discuss that as soon as possible and make plans for our eventual marriage and family. And within those plans we acted in a very spontaneous way about lots of stuff.

[nutbrownhare]

If your guy is really totally committed to you, then bringing up the future shouldn't be a problem - including when he's relocated for work and you're temporarily separated by distance. I'm not talking about marriage or engagement, just whether he wants you to move to be with him.

 

It seems this is a conversation you're afraid to have. You can be spontaneous, yet have an overall picture of how you want things to go without getting into all the finer details. I've been in relationships where I felt anxious about asking where we were headed; in retrospect, the hesitation was there for a good reason.

[j.man]

I like how tertiary her 9-year old child is so tertiary to so many people's advice.

 

I can't say the guy's a peach, but I would be much quicker to call him an ***hole if he actually was willing to encourage or even hint at moving her away from her son for his benefit and after only a year together. Whether or not his intentions are great, he seems to be precluding her from being so quick to make what should be an inherently regrettable decision.

 

I find it very difficult to reserve myself after reading you sometimes even give up the 1 - 2 days a week you have with your child to visit this guy. And FWIW, I'm judging him a bit, too. I don't think any of us can responsibly or in good conscience offer advice that would facilitate or encourage you to even further shift your priorities away from your kid.

[Annia]

Well, I hardly speak for all men. And for all the ways I'm capable of conforming to some very male stereotypes, good and bad, I've never been much of a guy's guy.

 

Anyway, just to be clear: My ex never, ever broached a big talk, and never put it out there what she wanted, needed, or was feeling. I mean, looking back, it was nutty the dynamic we had, created. I'd ask her what she felt like for dinner. "What do you want?" she'd reply. Within weeks I was saying things like, "What I want is to know what you want." For dinner, in bed, in life—say it, challenge me, assert yourself.

 

Sure, on some level I obviously liked that role—insert cringe, eye roll—but I was also keen on seeing if we could expand/evolve into something more. I found her intriguing.

 

On the relationship front, it was always toe-stepping check-ins, and I kind of fear this may be the case with OP. Like, we'd been hanging and having sex for two months, never saying a thing, which at that point was frankly fine with me. One day comes a, "So, hey, like, what is this?" I'd be honest—I'm not sleeping with anyone else, but not ready for a label—and she'd kind of nod and retreat and I'd stay in my fog.

 

Those early retreats, I think, were bricks in the foundation of what became our dynamic where they could have been something else with someone else. In those moments my "power" was consolidated, hers was lost, where in something healthier those are moments where it gets equally redistributed. Sure, had she pushed too hard early I likely would have bailed. But after a year I was in something, as OP's dude is in "something" with her, and I was down to be challenged to figure out what it was together. But she remained scared, ever-cautious, always accommodating, and as a result a part of me struggled to take the whole thing seriously.

 

Regarding standing up for yourself, calling someone's bs, here's a story from a friend that has always resonated with me. He's a headstrong dude, complicated, deeply weird family trauma. One day he is in the car with his gf—early days—who accidentally spills some coke on the floor mat. He kind of snaps, much the way his father kind of snaps, much the way previous gfs put up with. Nothing malicious, but totally uncool.

 

Cool, calm, she looks him in the eye, flashes her fire, and slowly pours the rest of the coke onto the floor. "That's when I knew I was going to marry her," he says. And they're married, happily, awesomely. Dramas like that don't play out on the regular, at all. They keep each other in check, and just knowing they can means they don't need to often.

 

Anyhow, OP, at this point you've both allowed something nebulous to expand past its due date, certainly past your own comfort zone. I think it's time to see what happens if you try to tweak it. If he can't hang in the place you need—well, his loss.

 

But op' s boyfriend seems more like a douche than someone like you were wanting your ex to assert herself. No respectful boyfriend would keep ties with an ex girlfriend like he does. But yes he doesn't respect her and she allowed the situation to come to this by not exerting boundaries. But anyway I don't think he cares enough to make it work even if she talks to him and puts her foot on the ground, but she could try though.

 

Edit: I hadn't read the whole kid situation before I wrote this. Then I kind of get his hesitation in making living together plans at this point and not making any rush decisions.

[Annia]

This is completely off topic, but when I read this post of yours, bluecastle, I immediately thought of Lex’s thread and her situation (i.e. - Lex wanting more, but seemingly not wanting to cause any waves by asking for more, and being somewhat trepidatious).

 

Interesting read.

 

Sorry, OP!

 

Don’t want to hijack your thread.

 

I dont want to get offtopic but which thread is that? I'm not sure if I've read it but since I have this bad tendency of also "not creating waves" it seems like an useful reading for me lol