We haven't had any discussions about the future of our relationship..

[Annia]

I've said this before but don't allow your fears (of looking pushy/clingy/naggy) to drive your personal ship!

 

Stand up for your standards, your values and always stay true to yourself and what you want!

 

My goodness, no man should every have such control and power over you that you are afraid to speak up and take a stand in what you need for yourself!

 

Stop walking on eggshells with him for goodness sakes, all that does is keep you stuck in FEAR.

 

Fear has no place in a good, healthy, committed relationship.

 

Amazing advice that applies to everyone in every situation in a relationship.

[abitbroken]

I like how tertiary her 9-year old child is so tertiary to so many people's advice.

 

I can't say the guy's a peach, but I would be much quicker to call him an ***hole if he actually was willing to encourage or even hint at moving her away from her son for his benefit and after only a year together. Whether or not his intentions are great, he seems to be precluding her from being so quick to make what should be an inherently regrettable decision.

 

I find it very difficult to reserve myself after reading you sometimes even give up the 1 - 2 days a week you have with your child to visit this guy. And FWIW, I'm judging him a bit, too. I don't think any of us can responsibly or in good conscience offer advice that would facilitate or encourage you to even further shift your priorities away from your kid.

 

THANK YOU!

Exactly!! I know she keeps saying that the kid doesn't factor in.....

He also may not be ready to be a stepdad, either, or obtain an apartment that has enough space for the child to visit his mother at this point, nor should he - he's a dude that got transferred and the transfer was happening before they met. It bothers me how dismissive the op is about the guy mentioning the child as a factor.

[Annia]

If the OP had the child when she was a teenager and didn't have much family support and the parents of the father were willing to help and support, I think it's perfectly reasonable that he has full custody.

 

I don't have kids so I can't say what I'd do and I think we should refrain from judging the OP's parenting style, however, I think the child should be taken into consideration when it comes to any moving decision. Isn't it more important to stay close to the kid than to the 16 months boyfriend? Being 3h away by plane from a child is a big deal. Why this anxiety to move in with him at this point? You'd also have to spend money on plane tickets to your self to visit the child or for the child to visit you. If you're already lacking money to visit your boyfriend and he's not contributing nor visiting you, what makes you think you'll have money to take care of your child living 3 hours away from them?

 

Your boyfriend is right in taking this into consideration, even though he doesn't seem so interested in further commitments as you are. I wouldn't make any moving decisions until you have your child's situation figured out and you've had an honest conversation with him about future plans and see he's on the same boat.

[boltnrun]

If the OP had the child when she was a teenager and didn't have much family support and the parents of the father were willing to help and support, I think it's perfectly reasonable that he has full custody.

 

I don't have kids so I can't say what I'd do and I think we should refrain from judging the OP's parenting style, however, I think the child should be taken into consideration when it comes to any moving decision. Isn't it more important to stay close to the kid than to the 16 months boyfriend? Being 3h away by plane from a child is a big deal. Why this anxiety to move in with him at this point? You'd also have to spend money on plane tickets to your self to visit the child or for the child to visit you. If you're already lacking money to visit your boyfriend and he's not contributing nor visiting you, what makes you think you'll have money to take care of your child living 3 hours away from them?

 

Your boyfriend is right in taking this into consideration, even though he doesn't seem so interested in further commitments as you are. I wouldn't make any moving decisions until you have your child's situation figured out and you've had an honest conversation with him about future plans and see he's on the same boat.

 

That's a good point, Annia.

 

If the BF is already having to help the OP financially, adding in extra flights for herself or the child, plus hotels/Air BnB and other incidental travel expenses is only going to add to the financial stress.

 

OP, I don't know if you read the story I posted on your other thread, but be very, very mindful of how your child will view this period in his life. The woman I wrote about had all kinds of issues when she chose to move with her boyfriend rather than remain with her children. And one of my family members is currently choosing his girlfriend to spend time with over his kids. All of the kids are having issues in school, acting out and one of them hasn't attended visitation in months (and previously the other kids refused to come at different times). You don't want your child as a grown up saying "well, my mother chose a man over me, so I choose to not have her in my life".