Boyfriend is married - update

[blondiemwuah]

I made a post a few days ago but now I’m not able to reply to it so I just wanted to update all the people who were concerned and gave me advice.

 

I made it home last night after he dropped me off. I spent the rest of the weekend with him because I wasn’t ready to tell my family I needed help to get back home because the guy I’ve been dating for a year turns out to have lied to me about his real name and the fact that he was married. I got his full name by the end of the trip. I now know all his information - real name, address, his wife’s name...

 

His wife found out on accident while we were there, two days after I found out. Karma I suppose. He told her he was staying with an old friend in Montreal. She broke the window to her car and needed to get in touch with him and when she couldn’t she contacted the friend who he said he was staying with. When she found out he wasn’t there she called everyone he knew, asking where he was.

 

I don’t know what this means now. Do I contact his wife? Even though I guess she knows now. I’m wondering if he will try to talk his way out of it with her. I’m scared to contact her because I’m afraid she won’t believe me when I tell her I had no idea he was married. I knew he had two children but he told me he was divorced. I found her online last night since I know his real name now. She has a PhD and went to an Ivy League school. And I’m just some dumb 20 year old college student working at Ulta. I feel like such a fool. I didn’t know that I’ve been an accomplice this whole year to him cheating. I’m a mistress.

 

He told me he stays with her for his children. They are 10 and 6. He says he doesn’t want to see them half the time which is what would happened if they got divorced. He says that deep down she knew he was seeing someone else but chose to ignore it as long as it was not right in her face. He told me they are like roommates and that’s it. I just don’t understand I guess - maybe because I don’t have kids... I told him that if you’re not happy then you should leave before you start seeing someone else because the longer you postpone it the more time you’re wasting where both people can move on and find someone they are truly happy with. He said he planned on leaving once the children were older, especially the 6 year old.

 

I’m confused. I think everyone has the right to be happy, but not at someone else’s expense and while you’re deceiving another person. It’s selfish and cowardice. I understand that he is staying with her in this supposedly miserable marriage for the children but if he cares so much about them then why on earth would he do anything to jeopardize losing them?

 

I spent basically the whole weekend in our Airbnb crying and losing my mind and arguing with him. He kept telling me what difference does it make and that all the moments we had together were real and that it doesn’t change anything. But that’s just not true. He has lied to me from the very beginning and I feel like it completely delegitimizes our whole relationship, this entire year we’ve spent together. Not that everything had been perfect prior because it wasn’t. But it crushes me knowing that all of those small tender moments we shared weren’t real.

 

I’m so angry at him but also myself. I was totally fooled. He has deceived me, humiliated me, and manipulated me. Yet I am still so attached to him and I hate myself for it. I hate that I’m so weak. I know I have to move on with the little amount of dignity I have left but I still want him. I’m completely unhinged and broken and I don’t know how I’m going to put myself back together because right now it feels like the end of the world. I can’t imagine what his wife must feel like, and to have two children caught in the middle of it.

 

He dropped me off at my house last night and then went home to face the music. I wonder how it went.

 

This whole post is a long rambling mess but it felt good to write. Especially since I can’t admit this to anyone yet. But yeah, I just wanted everyone to know who commented on the original post that I’m back in the country and home safe.

[blondiemwuah]

I’m sorry for not responding sooner. I just got back last night. I was reading all the posts but just couldn’t get it together to respond. The past few days have been a blur, like a nightmare.

[Wiseman2]

There is nothing for you to do except immediately delete and block him and all his people from all your devices, contact lists, messaging apps and social media. Also change all your account and device passcodes.

 

You don't have to tell your friends or family any grisly details, if you don't feel like it. Just tell people "we broke up". Obviously don't be the angry bitter mistress who contacts the wife. It's better off if she doesn't know who you are and he tells her the typical "it was a meaningless fling" style lie. It's his problem, not yours.

Do I contact his wife? Even though I guess she knows now. He dropped me off at my house last night. I can’t admit this to anyone yet.

[MissCanuck]

It's good to hear from you, OP. A lot of folks here were quite concerned for you.

 

This man is horrible, and I would bet any money you're not his first affair. You might not even be the only current affair he's having. He went as far as lying about who he really is, so I am curious to hear how he got away with it for a year. Looking back, what were the signs that something was off? I gather you never went to his house, never met anyone in his life?

 

I would stay out of his marriage, though. I realize the temptation to tell his wife everything is very strong, and she certainly deserves to know, but I would also be concerned about retaliation. Not from her, but from him. You don't really know who you're dealing with, and I think it's better to err on the side of caution and step away from this completely.

 

The malarkey he is spewing now about how this revelation doesn't change anything shows you just how manipulative and twisted this person is. Don't be so hard on yourself; this man is evidently a skilled liar. You're attached to the man you thought he was, which makes sense. It's shocking when you realized that person doesn't exist. You'll need time to get over this. In the meantime, block him in every way you can. He's not a good person and you would be wise to keep him far, far away from you.

[Starlight925]

I’m confused. I think everyone has the right to be happy, but not at someone else’s expense and while you’re deceiving another person. It’s selfish and cowardice. I understand that he is staying with her in this supposedly miserable marriage for the children but if he cares so much about them then why on earth would he do anything to jeopardize losing them?

I spent basically the whole weekend in our Airbnb crying and losing my mind and arguing with him. He kept telling me what difference does it make and that all the moments we had together were real and that it doesn’t change anything. But that’s just not true. He has lied to me from the very beginning and I feel like it completely delegitimizes our whole relationship, this entire year we’ve spent together. Not that everything had been perfect prior because it wasn’t. But it crushes me knowing that all of those small tender moments we shared weren’t real.

 

Your whole post sounds extremely mature, particularly the bolded.

 

You sound so much more mature than 20, I'm just sayin'.

 

This loser deceived you. He deceived his wife. He deceived his children. And he did it all without a shred of remorse or empathy for any of you.

 

His wife now knows what's up. You do not need to contact her. Let them sort their own sh*t. Given that there are children involved, I would completely back away from any thoughts of contacting her.

 

And yes, please block/delete/move on. Do not ever allow him to have access to you again.

 

I'm sorry you went through this. Crummy. You should be out, having a great time, living your young life, and this a-hole sucks up a year. Horrible.

[SherrySher]

Yes you should tell his wife. I know others won't agree, but he will do nothing but lie to her. She deserves to know the truth.

 

I am really relieved that you are home safe and sound. This was not your fault. You chose to trust someone. That someone was a low life who took advantage of you.

 

Do what you can to stay away from him. He has the ability to lie, deceive, cheat, he is the WORST kind of man possible.

He does not care who he hurts or how he hurts them. He is incredibly selfish.

 

You don't need someone like that and he will only hurt you and/or eventually cheat on you too if you stay.

Don't give him that power, he's taken enough from you.

 

But yes, I agree to tell his wife. He has destroyed their marriage and no one else will tell her, except you.

Do it anonymously, but give her the information she needs to know.

 

Again, I am really glad you're safe.

[ThatwasThen]

Can I ask you how this went on for a whole year without you thinking that something wasn't right? Had you Never been to his house?

Did he have excuses for not being with you on all the holidays that are?

Did he disappear for periods of time that you wondered what happened to him?

Did he introduce you to friends and family after a year? He should have by that point.

 

I'm not blaming the victim here, I'm just wondering how you didn't see the tell tale signs. You mention not everything was perfect during the year... how so?

 

I am asking this because I would hate to see you ignore red flags again in the future in order to remain with a guy.

 

I am glad you're home safe.

 

As for his wife... You don't need to contact her. She knows what her husband is and what he did and its up to them now how they proceed. You? You should block and delete him and never talk to him again.

 

I’m so angry at him but also myself. I was totally fooled. He has deceived me, humiliated me, and manipulated me.

I think deep down you knew something wasn't right but for some reason you chose to ignore your instincts. Time to forgive yourself in any event and to take note of what, if anything you chose to ignore so that you could continue on with him.

[abitbroken]

Can I ask you how this went on for a whole year without you thinking that something wasn't right? Had you Never been to his house?

Did he have excuses for not being with you on all the holidays that are?

Did he disappear for periods of time that you wondered what happened to him?

Did he introduce you to friends and family after a year? He should have by that point.

 

I'm not blaming the victim here, I'm just wondering how you didn't see the tell tale signs. You mention not everything was perfect during the year... how so?

 

I am asking this because I would hate to see you ignore red flags again in the future in order to remain with a guy.

 

I am glad you're home safe.

 

As for his wife... You don't need to contact her. She knows what her husband is and what he did and its up to them now how they proceed. You? You should block and delete him and never talk to him again.

 

I think deep down you knew something wasn't right but for some reason you chose to ignore your instincts. Time to forgive yourself in any event and to take note of what, if anything you chose to ignore so that you could continue on with him.

 

If she has been with him a year ---- he may not have spent the holidays with her because they just met before the holidays. dating someone 2-4 weeks when thanksgiving comes typically means they are not invited to the family thanksgiving, etc. He might not celebrate Easter, etc. which to me would have been the first holiday would have been approrpriate to really spend together. Christmas would have been easy. He could have met her for an intimate dinner the day before Christmas eve, etc and the day after because there were so many conflicting holiday plans (her family's two sides, his two sides, etc) and you don't usually bring your girlfriend of 8 weeks to that. Esoecially if his story is they live out of town.

 

If she is 20 and a student, she probably had commitment with friends and finals as well so would have seen him at odd times too (maybe had a school event the typical date nights).

 

I think that you should tell your parents because they love you and would want to be emotional support.

 

I also would be tempted to contact the wife -- just for the fact that he used a false identity - who knows what else he has been doing to her that she needs to watch out for. She already knows, so its not like you would be breaking up a family.

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you but I'd like to hear what the Op has actually experienced. She said the relationship wasn't perfect and that implies something was amiss.

[abitbroken]

I’m sorry for not responding sooner. I just got back last night. I was reading all the posts but just couldn’t get it together to respond. The past few days have been a blur, like a nightmare.

 

I am glad you did -- we were concerned.

 

If you contact the wife - i would keep it short and online. I would tell her that you found out that your boyfriend of one year, Danny, that you went to Montreal with is actually named Lewis and is her husband. You are sorry that you didn't know he was married - you want her to know that he has been using a false name and story so that she can protect herself against whatever other lies he comes up with. Give her the full name he was using, etc. and that you have blocked him on social media and on your phone and never want to speak to him again. that way she has it

[jimthzz]

I wish someone had told me about my lying and cheating ex-wife. Certainly the jerk she was cheating with could have. He knew she was married. Certainly her best friend could have, but she sure loved hearing the naughty details instead.

 

I'm sorry you got played. Hope you are wiser about checking out potential BFs in the future.

[Wiseman2]

This guy has his lies down to a science, as you now know. By now, he did a lot of preemptive damage control and besides telling her "it was a meaningless fling", he will tell her you are a "psycho Fatal Attraction case".

 

You aren't doing anyone a public service by telling them what they already know. All you are doing is keeping the drama going and putting yourself at risk.

 

He will do anything to keep his lies going...and he's good, very good at doing that. With you it was "Larry the single guy", then it shifted to "roommates, staying for the kids". And with you it was just side sex.

 

He has a lot more to lose with the wife and kids, so don't think he won't throw you under the bus, if you were foolish enough to contact her.

Do I contact his wife? Even though I guess she knows now.

[Hollyj]

Please tell me that you do not believe his story? This is the typical story of cheaters.

 

Bottom line: he lied to you about his identity and marital status for an entire year! Disgusting human being.

 

You need to be done with this guy, or you will knowingly be this creep's mistress. You also need to tell your family and friends.

[Starlight925]

A very similar thing happened to my hairdstylist.

 

She's in her 20's, and she met this "great guy" online, and dated him for close to a year. Yes, she had been to his home, many times. He had a really nice apartment, fully furnished.

 

Only it turns out, that was a completely separate life, and apartment, from the home he lived in with his wife & kids. This guy had the whole setup: furniture, silverware, everything. She never suspected a thing. This guy was actually a radiologist, so no dummy.

 

She didn't tell his wife, because it turns out, his wife found out about the double life, and it all blew up and my hairstylist was outta there. She never spoke to him again, nor did she ever get in touch with the wife.

 

In her case, she didn't talk to the wife for 3 reasons:

1) The wife knew he was a cheating scumbag

2) There were children involved

3) Most importantly, she just wanted to move on with her life.

 

Happy ending: she is getting married soon to a great guy, who she met shortly after this breakup.

[ThatwasThen]

Bottom line: he lied to you about his identity and marital status for an entire year! Disgusting human being.

... Yep! ...

[reinventmyself]

 

He told me he stays with her for his children. They are 10 and 6. He says he doesn’t want to see them half the time which is what would happened if they got divorced. He says that deep down she knew he was seeing someone else but chose to ignore it as long as it was not right in her face. He told me they are like roommates and that’s it. I just don’t understand I guess - maybe because I don’t have kids...He said he planned on leaving once the children were older, especially the 6 year old.

I understand that he is staying with her in this supposedly miserable marriage for the children but if he cares so much about them then why on earth would he do anything to jeopardize losing them?

 

He painted this tragic picture of his life. I wonder if his wife was here, what she would say?

 

Whenever you feel the slightest bit of concern for him and his miserable life, remember one thing - this guy is a pathological liar. You can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. They could be on their way to Tahiti right now for all you know.

 

His marriage may or may not be good. Unfortunately for everyone concerned, what is the truth?

For you, it doesn't matter.

 

About telling the wife - I'd save yourself the drama. You've been through enough. My guess is she might try to find you. If she makes the effort, tell her your story then. But I wouldn't volunteer it.

 

I am glad your safe. Sorry you had to go through this.

[SherrySher]

I wouldn't trust one word that came out of his mouth. I doubt his wife knows. He does a good job of saying whatever he needs to in order to keep his slimey lies going.

I bet his wife was told a mountain of lies as to where he was and has no clue what kind of dirt bag he is.

 

He is the type of human that nightmares are made of and what every woman fears of meeting.

[Seraphim]

He will be lucky if his wife leaves him with $1.98.

 

Glad you are safe. Tell him to heave ho and never look back.

[yatsue]

I'm so glad you're okay and made it back to your hometown. I don't believe you will have an issue staying away from this awful loser. It is clear, while you are understandably heartbroken, you don't want to be with him anymore. All I can say is don't let him manipulate you anymore than he already has. Cut him off. He has a twisted, unempathetic mind who knows what he did was wrong - he only wants to minimize the situation to you. If you look at this situation objectively, then this becomes clear.

 

I took a class in college that actually explained staying in an unhappy marriage for the "kids sake" is more damaging to them than coparenting while divorced, for obvious reasons. This is one example. It creates tension in the household, so know he is full of BS. He is not doing this for his kids, he is instead doing it for selfish reasons. Yes, he'll need to share custody of the kids, but the kids as a result have a functional household instead of a dysfunctional one. Again, they're selfish reasons only benefitting himself; not the wife, kids, or you. He is having his cake and eating it too. He gets a wife and mistress in literal separate lives! He faked an identity to fool two women and those around him.

 

As for the wife, I usually like to advocate telling her, but I have a feeling she already knows or will soon find out after being aware of this fiasco. Do what you want, although be prepared for anything if you do decide to tell her. It most likely will be a lot of negativity put back onto you. Personally, I too would want to know if a partner is unfaithful. If you are prepared and accept the outcome could be unpredictable, then you have my blessing. I wish you luck in your future endeavors.

[reinventmyself]

Married men rarely tell their girl on the side how great their family life is.

If they did they'd rarely be successful at getting a girl on the side.

[itsallgrand]

I'm glad you are safe. Thanks for letting us know.

 

I know it seems like the end of the world right now, but you are going to be ok. You still have all the same opportunities in your life that you had before he came along, and your whole life in front of you. You have family and friends who love you - find solace in them now.

 

The real wake up call here to me is not that he's married. It's how potentially dangerous it can be for young women in particular to be in situations where she feels she can not or does not want to call on her support system, and where she does not plan for safety. I'm not wanting to lecture but you are super lucky it went as it did. Bad things do happen. Always have money when going anywhere, a basic means to get around on your own, and don't argue with men who you know you can not trust in such a precarious situation.

 

I feel like you are quite naive. Bad dudes have a nose for girls and women like you, and it plays to their advantage that you are so willing to rely on them.

 

The solution is not isolating yourself off like this. His lies don't matter. The rest of your life does.

[Hollyj]

Yes. You should always have money on you. You should also have notified your parents to get you home.

 

Did you ever meet any of his friends or go to his home? Did he take you out in public on a regular basis?

 

You need to be smarter and safer!

[reinventmyself]

I can't help but wonder why are you afraid to tell your parents. Initially I thought you wouldn't in the event you were talked into continuing on with this guy. How would you explain that to them then?

 

I personally think you should confide in your family and anyone else close to you. You have no reason to be embarrassed. You are young and still learning. Those close to you can support you and validate your experience. It would that much more of learning experience rather than keeping it to yourself and feeling a sense of shame.

 

You were a victim in this.

[yatsue]

The real wake up call here to me is not that he's married. It's how potentially dangerous it can be for young women in particular to be in situations where she feels she can not or does not want to call on her support system, and where she does not plan for safety. I'm not wanting to lecture but you are super lucky it went as it did. Bad things do happen. Always have money when going anywhere, a basic means to get around on your own, and don't argue with men who you know you can not trust in such a precarious situation.

 

I feel like you are quite naive. Bad dudes have a nose for girls and women like you, and it plays to their advantage that you are so willing to rely on them.

 

The solution is not isolating yourself off like this. His lies don't matter. The rest of your life does.

 

Yes, this X1000. You were lucky in this situation. Those can scoff, but there is a danger on the rise for girls and young women. Men, and sometimes women assist, who prey on vulnerable or naive females from different ethic and socio-economic backgrounds, posing as a boyfriend in order to gain their trust for the puspose of prostituting them. It is growing in places like NYC and Toronto, where men find females as young as in their pre-teen years up to young adulthood in their 20s.

 

The men find their target's weakspot, whether it is a troubled homelife, poor living situation, or are simply very naive and just want to have a person who says they love them. They can be married and/or have multiple partners, who will sleep with and treat you like a girlfriend - go on dates, buy you gifts, tell you they love you until they have gained your complete trust and then manipulate you into forced prostitution under the guise of "saving up for their future" after completely controlling and isolating you from society, being entirely dependent on the man. It's a disgusting, elaborate scheme that is hard to track by officials because the women are so well manipulated.

 

Do be careful in the future. Many women each year fall for it. The younger are more susceptible, however don't be fooled this can't happen to you if you don't have your wits about you and you become dependent on someone. The men are patient and do this over a number of years because this business is extremely profitable. There are many stories and examples, but this is just a couple to get a general idea:

 

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.thestar.com/amp/news/crime/2015/12/18/accused-pimp-describes-ways-women-get-lured-into-human-sex-trafficking.html

 

https://www.google.com/amp/s/nypost.com/2018/04/16/ex-sex-slaves-reveal-how-nyc-pimps-prey-on-the-young-and-vulnerable/amp/

[melancholy123]

I am glad you did -- we were concerned.

 

If you contact the wife - i would keep it short and online. I would tell her that you found out that your boyfriend of one year, Danny, that you went to Montreal with is actually named Lewis and is her husband. You are sorry that you didn't know he was married - you want her to know that he has been using a false name and story so that she can protect herself against whatever other lies he comes up with. Give her the full name he was using, etc. and that you have blocked him on social media and on your phone and never want to speak to him again. that way she has it

 

Go with this if you really want to contact the wife. Then really do follow thru and block and delete this LYING CHEATER. I'd be really surprised if you were his first affair partner. He's a louse in the truest sense of the word. Have some self respect, you dont want or need a guy like that. He fooled you for an entire year! He may well be happily married and gave you the old BS story that he hates his wife, staying together for the kids, will leave her when the kids are older. All that BS is just that. One of the oldest lines in the world.