My ex refuses to go to our daughters wedding in France!

[j.man]

Who doesn't want a wedding a beautiful castle in the middle of France? People who prioritize people being able to make it with any level of relative comfort or practicality. Look, I've had friends who did destination weddings. I've been to a couple myself. What sets them apart is they know some people won't be able to spare the time, never mind the upfront cash to make it out. So long as you've got that expectation, by all means knock yourself out. I can tell you for a damn fact that I wouldn't hold my relationship with my mother over her head as some way to obligate her to drop a couple thousand bones and suffer whatever jet lag both ways for the sake of my castle wedding. It's incredibly unfair and, frankly, grossly entitled to put a parent in that position.

 

When is this wedding meant to be anyhow? How much notice was provided? It's not a matter of him having 50 sick days (how that ever happens or how you even know is well beyond me). Teachers have a curriculum to run, and several days off is most often a disservice to the students more than anything else. It's quite an affair if she's not only planning her wedding in France, but also scheduling it outside of the 15-some weeks he could attend relatively consequence free. You mention the sick days, so that's why I make the assumption it's during the school year.

 

I have family in Spain and Italy. There have been cross-continental marriages. The compromise has always been two ceremonies... or Mexico. No, neither ceremony gets to be particularly extravagant, but that's been the price paid for wanting both families involved to celebrate. I understand her fiancee is from England, but if both families are desired to attend, why France instead of Portugal or East Coast US? Plenty of gorgeous and affordable venues in both areas.

 

I don't know the father. I don't know if his being butthurt over this incident is simply business as usual. I don't think it's appropriate for him to simply go off on her, but I also don't know how the conversation between he and she went down. She may be shouting about him outright refusing when he may have told her calmly and practically that this isn't a trip he can do. I think there's quite a degree of privilege that would drive a mentality of someone just making a trip to France in the middle of their seasonal work because people think he should. There's plenty we don't know, and it could go either way.

 

At the end of the day, I echo the others who have suggested this is a prime opportunity to be that drama-free presence leading into her wedding. Leave out of it and support her how you see fit.

[catfeeder]

Has daughter considered having two ceremonies?

 

I'm all for getting hitched wherever one wants, but to impose expectations of that kind of travel on anyone else speaks of entitlement.

 

I'd consider my scope of influence limited to myself. If daughter is mature enough to get married, she's also responsible enough to navigate her own relationship with her father. It's not in her best interests to badmouth him, but instead I'd check my impulse to support the idea that just because daughter wants something, she's automatically entitled to it.

[Wiseman2]

Is her father or you very wealthy?

 

Is your daughter and/or her fiance extremely wealthy? Since they want this fantastical fairy tale destination wedding, why don't they pay everyone's airfare, hotel and other travel expenses?

 

This way guests only have to pay for their food, clothes, miscellaneous travel expenses, gifts etc., not thousands and thousands of dollars to not disappoint your daughters concept of her dream wedding.

 

That would solve everyone's problems and your daughter wouldn't be "grief stricken" since everyone they invite and expect to be there can at least somewhat afford to come.

[figureitout23]

Has daughter considered having two ceremonies?

 

I'm all for getting hitched wherever one wants, but to impose expectations of that kind of travel on anyone else speaks of entitlement.

 

I'd consider my scope of influence limited to myself. If daughter is mature enough to get married, she's also responsible enough to navigate her own relationship with her father. It's not in her best interests to badmouth him, but instead I'd check my impulse to support the idea that just because daughter wants something, she's automatically entitled to it.

 

I have a strong feeling given the length of time and the fixation on the new wife and her age, this bitterness is here to stay. The long term harm has probably already been done. Her daughter may very well have been the carrot that’s been dangled for years to keep him in line. For all we know this may be why the current wife is, if she actually is, putting her foot down. The fact that she knows how many sick days the man has... waaaaaay too involved. Not to mention why would a man who is described as a good father say his own flesh and blood is being manipulative? There’s more to this I would bet a shiny new quarter.

 

Some exes, even if they have no emotional feelings whatsoever are incredibly territorial. Every agreement on how a child should be raised should expired at 18, they’re raised! And if you did a good job they’ll have their own autonomy and boundaries and use them accordingly. Every string has been cut. He should till the day he dies put his child first but it’s no longer a collaboration.If he fails it is his cross to bear.

 

If the daughter doesn’t want to discuss it with him because it upsets her too much respect that and leave it alone.

[journeynow]

I have family in Spain and Italy. There have been cross-continental marriages. The compromise has always been two ceremonies.

Right. Those I've known have had two ceremonies, understanding that not everyone can travel long distance.

 

IMO, destination weddings are overkill. They aren't about the marriage. Destination honeymoons, now those I understand.

[catfeeder]

Right. Those I've known have had two ceremonies, understanding that not everyone can travel long distance.

 

IMO, destination weddings are overkill. They aren't about the marriage. Destination honeymoons, now those I understand.

 

Bingo! Turning Dad into a villain because he won't play along with an inconvenient fantasy isn't doing anyone any favors. If daughter is grief stricken about that, then consider it a valuable life lesson that dis-illusion-ment is painful--and often necessary.

[kalikat]

 

When is this wedding meant to be anyhow? How much notice was provided? It's not a matter of him having 50 sick days (how that ever happens or how you even know is well beyond me). Teachers have a curriculum to run, and several days off is most often a disservice to the students more than anything else. It's quite an affair if she's not only planning her wedding in France, but also scheduling it outside of the 15-some weeks he could attend relatively consequence free. You mention the sick days, so that's why I make the assumption it's during the school year.

 

Wedding is end of August. I don't think it interferes with his school year. The only reason I know anything re sick days is because i teach also, but in a different school district. All teachers in this state have sick days accumulate over the years.

[kalikat]

Actually - he is the one that yells and she is in tears. She suggested 2 ceremonies, but that doesn't seem to be acceptable to him . For him it's all or nothing - either she does one ceremony here or he refuses to go at all.

As far as expense - She and her fiance are both professional musicians. They are paying room and board for their guests.

Yes, I will stand by and support her and give her all my love. He will do what he will do.

[annie24]

I watched Meghan Markle walking down the aisle without her father, and then Prince Charles accompanied her the rest of the way to her groom. I thought that the symbolism of "welcoming the bride into the family" is a lot nicer than "giving the bride away." It's rather silly to "give away" a grown woman with a career. If dad doesn't want to go, you certainly can't drag him there. Just be there for her. Maybe her father in law would be willing to walk her down the aisle, or you could do that as well.

[abitbroken]

I watched Meghan Markle walking down the aisle without her father, and then Prince Charles accompanied her the rest of the way to her groom. I thought that the symbolism of "welcoming the bride into the family" is a lot nicer than "giving the bride away." It's rather silly to "give away" a grown woman with a career. If dad doesn't want to go, you certainly can't drag him there. Just be there for her. Maybe her father in law would be willing to walk her down the aisle, or you could do that as well.

 

Its not silly if a bride wants it. I agree that you should just leave your ex alone.

 

And btw, you do NOT know what days off he has. He may have used some and doesn't have to tell you or report to you - for other purposes or his benefit package is different

[Seraphim]

This will be his loss. Truly.

[Batya33]

I can understand why he wouldn’t want to travel to France to go to the wedding. I’d understand more if the location was if the grooms parents couldn’t come to the US. I wanted to stay at my parents house the night before my wedding. I was pregnant. The wedding was closer to their home than mine and it was tradition that bride and groom not stay together the night before the wedding. They said the issue my sister was going to stay to make it more convenient for her to travel to the wedding which was in the morning and there wasn’t room for me to stay. Sister had a tight budget too. I was hurt and in hindsight i realize there are so many ways brides act like the day is all about them and it gets a bit much. My sister would have had to spend over $100 to get to my wedding on time if she couldn’t stay with my parents. I would have paid for her but it was also a matter of comfort and convenience.

yes a father should be there for his daughter on her wedding day. But she didn’t take into account his needs or ability to travel when she planned the wedding. He’s probably overreacting but I kind of get it

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Go and enjoy and be there for her.

 

Are you remarried or have a partner, friend, anyone you can bring to the wedding?

 

That may help you relax and feel less bitter about her father. Hopefully you can bury the hatchet for a while, at least for the sake of her wedding.

They are paying room and board for their guests. I will stand by and support her and give her all my love.

[kalikat]

Excellent. Go and enjoy and be there for her.

 

Are you remarried or have a partner, friend, anyone you can bring to the wedding?

 

That may help you relax and feel less bitter about her father. Hopefully you can bury the hatchet for a while, at least for the sake of her wedding.

 

I will be on my own. I plan to help with whatever last minute details need to be dealt with. Flowers, fairy lights, etc. I am thrilled that my daughter has found such a wonderful man to share her life with.

He proposed to her in front of 40,000 people onstage during a Maroon 5 concert. Check it out:

 

[Starlight925]

He proposed to her in front of 40,000 people onstage during a Maroon 5 concert. Check it out:

 

 

OMG just watched it. That is awesome. He must have pulled some great strings to arrange that!

 

Rock on with their fairy tale proposal and fairy tale wedding in the castle in France. Shame her father will miss out. I'm rooting for them.

[kalikat]

OMG just watched it. That is awesome. He must have pulled some great strings to arrange that!

 

Rock on with their fairy tale proposal and fairy tale wedding in the castle in France. Shame her father will miss out. I'm rooting for them.

 

Thank you, LHGirl! I am too!