Best friend is moving far away and wants me to make the drive with him.

[Seymore]

I'm having somewhat of a dilemma regarding my best friend and feeling like a jerk about it before I've even said anything.

 

So my best friend of 30+ years is moving to the other side of the country (San Diego) in 2 months. For the past 15 years he's claimed he'd love to live there someday and has gone on about how wonderful it is. Well - last year he met a girl while out there while on vacation - she's been out here to see him four times in the last 7 months and he's gone to see her twice, so they're pretty serious.

 

He has just about zero family here and his job is pretty basic, so I basically told him "Dude, that's the icing on the cake - you're not getting any younger and don't want to look back wishing you tried, so you NEED to move there now." I told him that if it didn't work and he wanted to come back, he could stay at my place until he gets on his feet, so he literally has nothing to lose.

 

Last week he asked if I was going to take the drive out there with him and I told him I'd like to. Problem is, I've been wanting to drive back to Los Angeles on my own and stay there for a couple of nights for a few years now, and if I went with him, it would be a straight trip to San Diego - no stops at the Grand Canyon or other stuff I'd want to see on the way, etc. Plus I'd have to rent a car back (terrified of flying and I like being able to stop wherever I want anyway) and that's expensive.

 

If I go out there, I'd rather do it my way, see what I want to see, and stop and see my friend for a day or two. I don't have much vacation time at work - or money - and he's got nothing that he needs to move anyway so I feel it's kind of pointless to spend my money going out there if it's on his terms and schedule. I'm not even really helping him move anything!

 

I talked to a couple of family members and they told me that if his girlfriend is that serious about him and wants him to move in with her, she should fly out here and drive back with him and that it's not my responsibility, especially if I'm going to be spending a decent chunk of my own money on it. At the same time I'd feel like a bad friend for saying I'll come by later in the year instead.

[Wiseman2]

Your family seems to have your back. A cross country can be fun and LA is only a couple hours from SD but yeah, visit on your terms once he's settled. Excellent response to him.

I talked to a couple of family members and they told me that if his girlfriend is that serious about him and wants him to move in with her, she should fly out here and drive back with him and that it's not my responsibility, especially if I'm going to be spending a decent chunk of my own money on it. At the same time I'd feel like a bad friend for saying I'll come by later in the year instead.

[Seraphim]

Yes, tell him you will visit him later.

[Seymore]

Thanks, guys. I know SD is close to LA, but with the little time and money I have for a vacation this year, I have so many things I want to photograph and see, and I'd rather the majority of the time be spent doing those things and a little time be spent visiting my friend, instead of vice versa. I'd kinda feel resentful if I spent all that money and time on HIS journey when I'm itching to use it for my own journey. Makes me feel like a lousy friend to say that but still...

[Seraphim]

I get what you are saying. It is important to have down time doing things YOU want to do. Everyone needs and deserves that .

[Hollyj]

I wouldn't do it. Do something you can enjoy.

 

I agree that the gf should make the trip with him. I did a cross country, when I drove my parents from AZ to NY. Never again. I hated it! It was BORING and EXHAUSTING!

[Seymore]

I wouldn't do it. Do something you can enjoy.

 

I agree that the gf should make the trip with him. I did a cross country, when I drove my parents from AZ to NY. Never again. I hated it! It was BORING and EXHAUSTING!

 

It's so FUN though (if you're doing it your way)!!! I did it 9 years ago. The adventure of my life so far :) Nobody knows you, you can give yourself a new name, new persona...lol

[DancingFool]

Agree with your family. Your friend is a grown man and can manage his own trip. There is no need for you to go with him right now. Just tell him that you can't get the vacation time right now and will come visit later when you can. End of. If he wants a driving buddy, his gf can fly down and go on the road trip with him. If he is just planning to drive through as quickly as possible, not much of a road trip and certainly won't be fun. Just exhausting and a total waste of time and money for you.

[lostandhurt]

He is a big boy and can handle the trip by himself. Is he driving his own car to Cali?

 

Tell him you would like to support him but you wanted to take a trip to the west coast this summer and make a bunch of stop along the way and you cannot afford that much expense and time off twice. Then tell him you will be out to visit him this summer though.

 

He should understand.

 

Lost

[Seymore]

He is a big boy and can handle the trip by himself. Is he driving his own car to Cali?

 

Tell him you would like to support him but you wanted to take a trip to the west coast this summer and make a bunch of stop along the way and you cannot afford that much expense and time off twice. Then tell him you will be out to visit him this summer though.

 

He should understand.

 

Lost

 

Yes, he's taking his own car.

 

Thank you all - you helped me feel a bit better about this. I will tell him I can't swing the vacation time and that I will be out to visit later in the year.

[Starlight925]

He literally has nothing to move?

 

I moved to be with my LDR boyfriend a few years ago 1500 miles away. He flew to me, and we drove together.

 

When the relationship ended, I drove home alone. It was very peaceful.

 

I agree with telling your friend you just can’t swing the vacation time now, but be honest in that you really want to do a more extensive west coast trip alone, otherwise, it will tick him off when you do. He’ll be like, wait, I asked you and you said no, but now you’re doing it.

[tattoobunnie]

I helped a couple moved cross country, and there were no plans for site-seeing in between. Awful. Don't do it.

[Seymore]

He literally has nothing to move?

 

Nope - most of his furniture was his ex's, who he broke up with almost 3 years ago. She finally got her stuff out last month when he threatened to leave it all on the curb, and literally, all he has left is a bed, dresser, TV and my camping chair and side table that I loaned him. He told me his gf has no room for even just the TV so he's selling the three items he owns.

 

I will be honest with him when I let him know.

[Hollyj]

It's so FUN though (if you're doing it your way)!!! I did it 9 years ago. The adventure of my life so far :) Nobody knows you, you can give yourself a new name, new persona...lol

 

I am talking about a straight shot. Only stoping to eat and sleep. Just like you would be doing.

[Seymore]

I am talking about a straight shot. Only stoping to eat and sleep. Just like you would be doing.

 

I meant "your way" as in your own way - your stops etc. - nobody to dictate where to go etc...

 

I like doing it my own way.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, if i were him, it might be cheaper to have his car shipped out there and take a plane. If he doesn't have much as far as personal belongings - he takes his photo album and important papers in his carryon, he packs incidental stuff like his extra clothes, etc, in his car and he goes. If his car is all that great to begin with.

 

Or his girlfriend should drive with him. It will be the longest time he has ever spent with her consecutively. And if after the trip, they get to know eachother and change their minds about eachother, he can go home

[Seymore]

Honestly, if i were him, it might be cheaper to have his car shipped out there and take a plane. If he doesn't have much as far as personal belongings - he takes his photo album and important papers in his carryon, he packs incidental stuff like his extra clothes, etc, in his car and he goes. If his car is all that great to begin with.

 

Or his girlfriend should drive with him. It will be the longest time he has ever spent with her consecutively. And if after the trip, they get to know eachother and change their minds about eachother, he can go home

 

I often wondered about shipping the car, I'll bring it up to him (although his car is in excellent shape).

 

But I'd really like for her to fly out and drive back with him - I've already seen some issues between the two of them and it would be a good experience for them as a couple.

[Wiseman2]

Bingo!... As a friend, that's a great concern to bring up

But I'd really like for her to fly out and drive back with him - I've already seen some issues between the two of them and it would be a good experience for them as a couple.

[Seymore]

Bingo!... As a friend, that's a great concern to bring up

 

I'd like to, but I've known him long enough to know he's very closed up and doesn't respond well to any of my concerns about his relationships. His mantra is "keep your side of the street clean and i'll worry about my own", so I stay on my side of the street when it comes to that, and I tell him that when he wants to talk to me I'm always around.

 

We have somewhat of an odd friendship in that way...he was once dumped by a girl he moved to another state for and he didn't tell me they broke up until 2 months after, after he had already gotten a new place and job down there. He's not a big communicator.

[abitbroken]

I'd like to, but I've known him long enough to know he's very closed up and doesn't respond well to any of my concerns about his relationships. His mantra is "keep your side of the street clean and i'll worry about my own", so I stay on my side of the street when it comes to that, and I tell him that when he wants to talk to me I'm always around.

 

We have somewhat of an odd friendship in that way...he was once dumped by a girl he moved to another state for and he didn't tell me they broke up until 2 months after, after he had already gotten a new place and job down there. He's not a big communicator.

 

 

It is your side of the street, too, if he is asking you to drive with him and you have offered to house him should this not work out.

 

I wouldn't say "i have seen negative things" - frame it as "why not have her fly out to drive with you - afterall - you have not spent that much continuous time together and you will learn a lot about eachother that way. It will be a good memory. Once you move out there, you will be the new person in town where on a trip you are in the same boat"

[Seymore]

It is your side of the street, too, if he is asking you to drive with him and you have offered to house him should this not work out.

 

I wouldn't say "i have seen negative things" - frame it as "why not have her fly out to drive with you - afterall - you have not spent that much continuous time together and you will learn a lot about eachother that way. It will be a good memory. Once you move out there, you will be the new person in town where on a trip you are in the same boat"

 

I know he'll take it negatively if I say "you haven't spent that much time together" but I absolutely get what you're saying. I'll just make the suggestion that she fly out and they have an adventure together :)

[Hollyj]

I meant "your way" as in your own way - your stops etc. - nobody to dictate where to go etc...

 

 

 

I like doing it my own way.

 

I agree......,

[reinventmyself]

I know he'll take it negatively if I say "you haven't spent that much time together" but I absolutely get what you're saying. I'll just make the suggestion that she fly out and they have an adventure together :)

 

 

I can see asking a friend to join but if they couldn't, I would totally understand.

That's a lot to ask and it doesn't make you a jerk for saying no.

 

Just say, `Luv ya Buddy. I wish I could do the trip with you but I can't take that much time off of work'

Let him figure out the rest. It's on him anyway.

[catfeeder]

I agree with your family, but don't go into the explanation about why. Just suggest that the GF make the trip with him and you'll follow to visit in X time.

[Seymore]

Thanks, all. My work just told me they're planning on moving during that time so I have to be there since I'm management, plus my tax payments would prevent me from going so I told my friend. He said he understands and isn't sure if his gf can help him make the trip but at least he understands. I still feel like a jerk but I can't help the situation.