Grandparents set aside as granddaughter canceled to be with friends

[Seraphim]

My mom is 71 ( 72 next month) and I am 51. I was raised almost the same as her other than being slapped silly every day because her mom had a bad temper. My mom didn’t hit but we had to be responsible and respectful. I raised my son the same . However I would not appreciate somebody telling me how to parent and least of all my mother-in-law ( as she is an idiot who has always been horrible to me. ) And I have even stopped talking to my mother on occasion because she would like to tell me how to parent as well . No one appreciates that .

 

No one likes being put in the middle with their sibling to fight .

 

If you have a good relationship with your granddaughter like you say handle it with her .

[Judy Kasky]

Thank you for your thoughts, Annie. I'm new to this site and I'm already feeling better about everything because of the

replies I'm getting. I knew some would disagree, but I know how teens are. Friends are the most important part of

their teen years that is for sure. I just have to pray for my GC and hope that the friends they choose are good people.

We canceled everything today because out of the four left standing, three came down with colds and flu since yesterday.

[Judy Kasky]

No, we only see each other for family birthdays, holidays and things of that nature. None of the five

GC call me specifically to just chat a few minutes. And, none ever ask for $. The parents ask me for

favors and I'm happy to comply especially when asked to pick up one or the other from school. Gives

us some minutes in the car to just talk and get updated about what they've been doing and how

school is going. The five GC have a 93 year old GGM and they seldom call her. She is active, social and

with it and so much wants them to call her. She calls them when she misses them most. I remind my

adult children to have them call GGM but doesn't happen. I think the younger folks only are connected

to their smart phones...not good at reaching out personally to give a few minutes of their time ...very sad.

[Seraphim]

Personally, I call and text my mom at least 5 to 10 times a day. ( we live 3 hours away) I have no grandparents to connect with. The ones who survived to my adulthood ( my father’s parents) had their favourite and that was very evident . I did take my son to spend time with them while they were alive though.

 

My son sees his grandparents every few months but I have to take him . ( He is disabled and can’t drive (yet) )

 

I do understand that you were upset . I can totally appreciate it . But I would just caution not to include all the other family members in your being upset . That causes other people to fight .

[j.man]

I don't know how nicely to put this, so I'll just say it. In your shoes, I'd go through and read your own posts and ask if an adult would find you particularly enjoyable company, never mind a teenager.

[Judy Kasky]

Don't get the drift J.man. But, I am a hoot.

[Judy Kasky]

J.man...I took your advice and reread my posts...pretty good sentence construction but

didn't bother with perfect punctuation. I thanked everyone for their timely comments

and advice. Also, I have many great friends and we can still have fun even at our age.

I hope you do, too....lots of friends, that is.

[Hollyj]

I don't know how nicely to put this, so I'll just say it. In your shoes, I'd go through and read your own posts and ask if an adult would find you particularly enjoyable company, never mind a teenager.

 

That's not very nice.

[DancingFool]

Generally speaking I'd tend to agree that the GD should have been told that she is going to the grandparents' and that's that. However, parenting is NEVER so black and white. Children come with different personalities, reactions, etc. You've mentioned that she was bullied, so perhaps your DIL is making a correct judgment that going to that b-day party is more important to her daughter's development and well being than holding up to the commitment to you.

 

Frankly, OP, you should be old enough and wise enough to know that life isn't so black and white and is in fact mostly shades of gray. You are kind of coming across as a bit selfish in your extreme disappointment and being so vocal about it and creating such a sh$tstorm over it within the whole family. Please be the adult and get over this and let it go.

[journeynow]

Do you make one-on-one plans with each grandchild?

 

No, we only see each other for family birthdays, holidays and things of that nature. None of the five

GC call me specifically to just chat a few minutes.

 

What about you fostering an individual one-on-one relationship with each grandchild, without parents or other siblings along? It's nice, and meaningful, to not always be grouped as part of the family crowd. Not so long from now she will be an adult, but don't wait for her to call you if you want a relationship.

[milly007]

Although I can appreciate your point of view, Judy, as I do believe people in general should follow through with their commitments, your one post about your GC being bullied really stood out to me.

 

Your GC is at a very fragile, impressionable age. At 15, you want to be accepted, and the fact that she was being bullied would have had a huge impact on her confidence and mental health. Maybe your GC was going through a major dark period as a result of this bullying, and her parents believe that attending this birthday party would be more beneficial to her right now.

 

Like I said, I understand your point of view, but please ensure you have all of the details regarding your GC before you assume or label her as entitled/spoiled. This birthday party may mean more to her than you realize. Kids can be unbelievably cruel to their peers these days, so please understand the need for acceptance at the age of 15, especially if they've been bullied in the past.

[Snny]

You are right on Holly. Mom doesn't want to parent...more wants a friendship due to GD being bullied a lot

when she was in elementary school. Now, mom wants her to be popular...reason, I believe, she allowed her

to go to BD party...makes her happier..

 

This information is extremely relevant. Mom is letting her go to the party make new friends. I was bullied frequently in both elementary and middle school and it messed me up. It was when I got to high school that my social life AND social skills improved. My attitude and confidence about myself was positive than ever before. High school social life is a huge deal.

 

I definitely agree she needs to learn about keeping social commitments. I am absolutely with you on that. It's an important life skill to follow through with plans unless a serious emergency occurred. However, do keep in mind about her personal background. If this was a one time thing when she has backed out of plans... I wouldn't carry a grudge or let it dampen my relationship with her if I were you. I would be a little more forgiving. I would reserve that conversation with her the next time you see her... definitely not around other family members because now you may have her resenting you of getting other members to gang up on her (especially if she was a victim of bullying). I had a grandparent do that when I was a teenager and I resented the hell out of her.

 

Also to be very honest, not many high school age kids would be interested in field trips to museums or a president's house (especially during a one day school holiday when they rather be chilling with their friends). I would try to think of finding something to do that would be more age appropriate for a teenager. Maybe do something with the younger GCs and then something else separately with the older GCs.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't know how nicely to put this, so I'll just say it. In your shoes, I'd go through and read your own posts and ask if an adult would find you particularly enjoyable company, never mind a teenager.

O.O Wait, what?

[abitbroken]

Although I can appreciate your point of view, Judy, as I do believe people in general should follow through with their commitments, your one post about your GC being bullied really stood out to me.

 

Your GC is at a very fragile, impressionable age. At 15, you want to be accepted, and the fact that she was being bullied would have had a huge impact on her confidence and mental health. Maybe your GC was going through a major dark period as a result of this bullying, and her parents believe that attending this birthday party would be more beneficial to her right now.

 

Like I said, I understand your point of view, but please ensure you have all of the details regarding your GC before you assume or label her as entitled/spoiled. This birthday party may mean more to her than you realize. Kids can be unbelievably cruel to their peers these days, so please understand the need for acceptance at the age of 15, especially if they've been bullied in the past.

 

I was bullied in school. when i moved to a new school i tried so hard to be included. it was a smaller school with established cliques. i cried in my bed many nights about other girls telling people not to go to my party or not including me (they weren't required to invite me to their house obviously, but if there was a committee that i volunteered for it was "we only have room for x number, not you). If i had been invited to a birthday party, no matter what my family was doing short of a close relative's funeral or a close relative's wedding (not my parents' cousin's wedding but someone more immediate), they would let me out of any other obligation just for the chance. because if i was invited and things went well, it would do wonders for my self esteem. and some parents feel they "lose" their kids to cutting, drinking, etc, when they feel so outcast and depressed.

[abitbroken]

btw unless you are out a lot of money (most admissions to places like that are paid the day of, ) i would not make a huge deal, invite someone else in her place (like another grandchild that is their cousin or something) and go from there.

[abitbroken]

Also to be very honest, not many high school age kids would be interested in field trips to museums or a president's house (especially during a one day school holiday when they rather be chilling with their friends). I would try to think of finding something to do that would be more age appropriate for a teenager. Maybe do something with the younger GCs and then something else separately with the older GCs.

 

I agree.

 

believe it or not, sometimes kids need downtime -- president's day was always a day to catch up on homework or to do nothing - every other day was go go go. it was nice to have that time - maybe we'd see a documentary that night about the day on tv eating snacks with our family in our pjs. We didn't have a week off in February like some schools do now. I think its a great thing to plan, but i'd plan the next outing by finding out what the kids like to do or what they are interested in. I loved museums at that age. One of my siblings rather do anything but.

[Batya33]

i was 15 in the early 80s and had huge FOMO (which was not an acronym back then) - if I'd been invited to a cool party my grandmother would have told me to go. My mother would have wanted me to go with my grandparents if they paid etc. When I was 16 my grandmother paid for a trip for me abroad. It was a teen tour - point is, she got that obviously I'd want to be with other teenagers -I also had been bullied etc.

 

I did love spending time with my grandparents and they loved that I finally had a decent social life around age 15.

 

It's tough, I get it, but I would err on the side of being ok with the cancellation under the circumstances.

[yatsue]

I do believe it is rude to cancel plans in general, although I am sure the grand daughter did not make these plans herself. It is a family outing and is nice for people to go, however it is hard for children to refuse if their parents force them when they don't want to, no? Does that make this good, quality time with extended family? IMHO no.

 

Now what IS good, quality time with extended family is to know them individually with mutually agreed upon arrangements. You say you only meet with them all a few times a year. It also sounds like you are fairly close in proximity to them, I'm guessing at least drivable distance over fly-able distance. How about you do this instead of harping on her parents, or god forbid her, in order to improve your relationship?

 

It doesn't sound you are particularly close to this GD, and what would drive an even further wedge would be to make her feel bad in your presence. If you want a true relationship (I assume this is your goal rather than maintaining formalities) with your family, then talk to them one on one in person for an extended period of time, and do things they enjoy with just you. It is a lot better than making them all come to a big family event, where their true voice will get lost in the mix. Trust me, it is easiest route but will not bring you closer to them as individuals. Unless, if you're not interested in building a true bond?

 

I always heard about the "dreaded boring family gatherings" among friends/peers while I was a teenager and also knew what they were talking about, even when I went to all of them. Breaking the classic mold and establishing a true bond I believe is better than upholding those traditions. I'd save gatherings for the big holidays (thanksgiving, xmas) while maintaining mutally agreed upon one on one get togethers on other days.

 

P.S. I also believe if this isn't a frequent occurance then you should let this one go. You have already voiced your opinion, and the GD in no way is going to become a "spoiled, unruly queen who will never learn respect or responsibility" just from one incident. You cancelled anyway, so it is time to let sleeping dogs lie because it's not even relevant anymore. I feel a bit bad for her too, being bullied with minimal friends. Teens have committed suicide over stuff like this. Not saying that she will, but it brings teens down significantly and her mother only seems sympathetic to her situation.

[j.man]

Frankly, OP, you should be old enough and wise enough to know that life isn't so black and white and is in fact mostly shades of gray. You are kind of coming across as a bit selfish in your extreme disappointment and being so vocal about it and creating such a sh$tstorm over it within the whole family. Please be the adult and get over this and let it go.

Ok this was the nicer way of putting it.

[ThatwasThen]

Ok this was the nicer way of putting it.

 

It may be a nicer way to put it but I still don't agree. This 15 year old isn't being bullied now she was bullied in elementary school and by the sounds of things, she has friends but these particular girls going to the birthday party don't go to the same school as the Op's GD so she doesn't see them often. None of that negates the fact that previous plans were dismissed for new ones. Being bullied in grade school when she's now in High School is not reason for her to be allowed to be rude to her grandparents. IMO of course.

 

The grandmother being upset about plans made being cancelled for "something better" is understandable and I don't think her being upset about this reflects on how she is in general.

 

JMNSHO

[Hollyj]

It may be a nicer way to put it but I still don't agree. This 15 year old isn't being bullied now she was bullied in elementary school and by the sounds of things, she has friends but these particular girls going to the birthday party don't go to the same school as the Op's GD so she doesn't see them often. None of that negates the fact that previous plans were dismissed for new ones. Being bullied in grade school when she's now in High School is not reason for her to be allowed to be rude to her grandparents. IMO of course.

 

The grandmother being upset about plans made being cancelled for "something better" is understandable and I don't think her being upset about this reflects on how she is in general.

 

JMNSHO

 

Exactly. This is ridiculous. She was bullied in elementary school - I was bullied in elementary school, too. Not an excuse to bail on the family.

[ThatwasThen]

Exactly. This is ridiculous. She was bullied in elementary school - I was bullied in elementary school, too. Not an excuse to bail on the family.

 

EVERYONE was bullied at some point in elementary school. It's not uncommon. The point is, she isn't being bullied now but her mother is over-compensating for that period.

[Hollyj]

EVERYONE was bullied at some point in elementary school. It's not uncommon. The point is, she isn't being bullied now but her mother is over-compensating for that period.

 

Creating a monster.

[yatsue]

EVERYONE was bullied at some point in elementary school. It's not uncommon. The point is, she isn't being bullied now but her mother is over-compensating for that period.

 

The bullying isn't so important now. What is, is establishing a good, quality relationship with her extended family via alone time together. Forcing the grand daughter at these family gatherings is not going to achieve that as it doesn't create a close environment, while setting a negative pretense (not her choice).

 

And for christ's sake, the GD is not becoming a monster over one incident that didn't even happen (got cancelled anyway).

[ThatwasThen]

The bullying isn't so important now. What is, is establishing a good, quality relationship with her extended family via alone time together. Forcing the grand daughter at these family gatherings is not going to achieve that as it doesn't create a close environment.

She wasn't "forced" into anything. The arrangements were made and if the G-daughter didn't want to go then she should have said so at the time of the invitation. Accepting the invitation and then bailing out after is the issue.