Grandparents set aside as granddaughter canceled to be with friends

[Hollyj]

You called a 15 year old child who just didn't want to go to her grandparents outing one time a monster...watch out folks, we have a future serial killer on our hands.

 

I meant she could turn into a monster. I am not referring to a one-time situation. I suggest you reread my comments.

[yatsue]

I meant she could turn into a monster. I am not referring to a one-time situation. I suggest you reread my comments.

 

I read them. Your logic is extreme and nonsensical.

[j.man]

It may be a nicer way to put it but I still don't agree. This 15 year old isn't being bullied now she was bullied in elementary school and by the sounds of things, she has friends but these particular girls going to the birthday party don't go to the same school as the Op's GD so she doesn't see them often. None of that negates the fact that previous plans were dismissed for new ones. Being bullied in grade school when she's now in High School is not reason for her to be allowed to be rude to her grandparents. IMO of course.

 

The grandmother being upset about plans made being cancelled for "something better" is understandable and I don't think her being upset about this reflects on how she is in general.

 

JMNSHO

I mean, I get that we're working with assumptions here, but are you really suggesting this 15 year old is personally penciling in her schedule and commitments with complete autonomy? Call it a hunch, but I highly doubt Grams hit each of the grandchildren up and personally gathered from each of them a voluntary commitment to killing their day off with such a wild and crazy historical tour. More likely, she booked it and simply took for granted the kids would be elated to go on an old people date (referring to the activity), or at the very least the mother would force her hand and make it happen. Instead, in what's actually a pretty amazing twist of irony, the kid is getting pegged for being entitled when you've got abuelita here complaining a teenager had the audacity to enjoy a friend's party rather than invest her school holiday into a field trip.

 

Now, even as someone who was bullied and to the extent I don't quite fall in line with the whole "oh well, kids will be aholes sometimes" (got my ass beat and seemingly so on an annual quota system), I'm not quite sure how this whole bullying theme got taken up and run with. Seems pretty irreverent to the fact a teenager would simply be well within their right not to be particularly inclined to tour an old manor.

 

Is there a lesson being missed out on? I guess... if we're talking teaching kids that sometimes in life you gotta just suck it up and do some lame **** while wearing a smile. But I have no idea if the granddaughter isn't already learning that lesson in other facets of her life. Still, I can actually respect that angle a little bit. What I'm not quite understanding is assuming this daughter is betraying some big and conscious personal commitment she personally made as though she's paying rent and telling her mom when to expect her back from the bars.

 

(Off-topic, but just had to say I always feel weird when I write a response disagreeing with TWT, like the Earth had to have just gotten dumped on with some outrageous solar flare for this to happen.)

[Hollyj]

I read them. Your logic is extreme and nonsensical.

 

And so are yours.

 

Just let the kids do whatever they want.

[yatsue]

And so are yours.

 

Just let the kids do whatever they want.

 

No. How is treating the kid instead like a human being and making plans with that person in particular extreme and nonsensical? It isn't, it's called being a nice, sincere, decent person trying to establish a real connection. You're basing a kid becoming a monster off of such little information, such as the mother let her daughter go to her friend's house once over a family outing and treats her like a friend, which will magically make her into some insane unruly person who will not listen to squat as an adult expecting to be fed by a spoon.

 

I do realize I'm talking to a brick wall at this point, so I'll agree to disagree. Demonize the kid if you want, it's not going to help the OP with her situation by fostering hate. This is getting redundant. Peace ya'll, I'm outtie.

 

P.S. I agree with all jman's points on that last post.

[ThatwasThen]

I mean, I get that we're working with assumptions here, but are you really suggesting this 15 year old is personally penciling in her schedule and commitments with complete autonomy? Call it a hunch, but I highly doubt Grams hit each of the grandchildren up and personally gathered from each of them a voluntary commitment to killing their day off with such a wild and crazy historical tour. More likely, she booked it and simply took for granted the kids would be elated to go on an old people date (referring to the activity), or at the very least the mother would force her hand and make it happen. Instead, in what's actually a pretty amazing twist of irony, the kid is getting pegged for being entitled when you've got abuelita here complaining a teenager had the audacity to enjoy a friend's party rather than invest her school holiday into a field trip.

 

Now, even as someone who was bullied and to the extent I don't quite fall in line with the whole "oh well, kids will be aholes sometimes" (got my ass beat and seemingly so on an annual quota system), I'm not quite sure how this whole bullying theme got taken up and run with. Seems pretty irreverent to the fact a teenager would simply be well within their right not to be particularly inclined to tour an old manor.

 

Is there a lesson being missed out on? I guess... if we're talking teaching kids that sometimes in life you gotta just suck it up and do some lame **** while wearing a smile. But I have no idea if the granddaughter isn't already learning that lesson in other facets of her life. Still, I can actually respect that angle a little bit. What I'm not quite understanding is assuming this daughter is betraying some big and conscious personal commitment she personally made as though she's paying rent and telling her mom when to expect her back from the bars.

 

(Off-topic, but just had to say I always feel weird when I write a response disagreeing with TWT, like the Earth had to have just gotten dumped on with some outrageous solar flare for this to happen.)

Well, once I could see through my tears in order to comment... I'm only going to say that I'll wait for Op's response as to how she invited the grandchildren before I give further opinionated opinion on it all.

[itsallgrand]

I have one Grandma who called the house to talk to US and when we were little. A week would not go by when she wouldn't call and talk to whatever kid that picked up. I am sure some of the conversations we wanted to have as little kids must have been super boring but she did it. She didn't make extravagant plans, sure there were times when my Grandparents met us at the zoo and such, or the fair, etc. My other Grandma was at arm's length and it was always "let's get dressed up to go see Grandma". We didn't hear from her. We didn't see her unless it was a holiday and she was there or unless the rare circumstances when we would be taken to see her "tell Grandma about the X you are doing..." we would be told. Be the first Grandma, not the second Grandma. And above all, don't put on the martyr act. My Grandma understoood if someone had a doctor's appointment or a practice or a party, we would just do something a different time,

 

Same. Except it was one Gramps who I could call up, drop by his house, he even made me homemade veggie burgers when I decided to eat vegetarian and let me put plants in his garden.

The other Grandma ( didn't call her that tho) and grandpa it was a much more formal relationship. We got dressed up to go to grandma and grandpas. She didn't call to chat. I got generic attention ( there were a lot of grandchildren, but my gramps had over 20 grandkids too and yet it was not generic attention).

 

I guess the point is, while I do strongly agree with a teen honouring commitments ( or at least calling them personally to say, I'm sorry, I really want to go to this party, rather than have a parent do that at that age)- I think of how strong a grounding positive influence a grandparent CAN be, and I think rule giving is parent work.

You get to build a different kind of relationship one on one with your grand daughter, and so much of how much you choose to be involved is up to you.

[Judy Kasky]

Thanks for your reply journeynow...yes, everyone was on the same page. Phone calls, e-mails and in person. We'd planned this President's Day

outing for a month. GD said "I can't go with you on Monday because I got a last minute invitation to my friend's birthday party. I wasn't

happy and told my son and DIL...now there is a riff going on. Guess I'm the bad person.

[Seraphim]

So how did your daughter find out and why did she harass her brother?

[Judy Kasky]

No, this just wasn't an outing with us old folks...there were five GC...being five cousins all within two years of each other. They

were asked one month ago and since that time, I contacted my son and DIL by phone, e-mail and mentioned to the kids

of this get together. My other granddaughter was hurt that her cousin decided not to be with us...she felt dumped. And,

it doesn't hurt to be together as a family, which isn't often, and then go out to dinner after the tour. My feelings about

this are real and so, I'll maintain my original thoughts and know that my GD was only thinking of herself.

[Judy Kasky]

During a phone conversation with my daughter telling her that "other granddaughter" wasn't going to be with us.

She felt bad for us and decided to text her brother. That got it started...the riff that is. She told him

he should have told "daughter" that it would be wrong to do something other than the original invitation.

[Seraphim]

During a phone conversation with my daughter telling her that "other granddaughter" wasn't going to be with us.

She felt bad for us and decided to text her brother. That got it started...the riff that is. She told him

he should have told "daughter" that it would be wrong to do something other than the original invitation.

Ahhhhh so every one should have not said anything. Right? You didn’t have to tell your daughter all about it and your daughter does not have to tell her brother how to raise his child . Period. That is called stirring the pot .

[Seraphim]

If you know your kids have a bad relationship don’t set them up for a worse one.

[Judy Kasky]

This is correct....My GD when younger, had the worst temper tantrums I'd ever seen...and she was eight years

old and still was acting out.

[Judy Kasky]

And, it did!!! However, the two GD's have always been close and the one was looking forward to the day.

I just mentioned the change to my D and it took off from there. How could I not say anything...there

were a few dynamics involved...needed two cars and who was picking up whom...making it possible

that the two GD's could ride together...things like that. Oh well, it is over now..live and learn. But,

I guess I gave others something to converse about back and forth. We're just normal folks and still

learning.

[Judy Kasky]

So, just want to say "thanks" for all of your opinions and advice. It did me good to read all of your views. I'm

signing off now since each comment had a question ... I don't know how everything will end between us but

I probably will do things differently in the future. Conversation between us is all good, right?

[thealchemist]

I mean, I get that we're working with assumptions here, but are you really suggesting this 15 year old is personally penciling in her schedule and commitments with complete autonomy? Call it a hunch, but I highly doubt Grams hit each of the grandchildren up and personally gathered from each of them a voluntary commitment to killing their day off with such a wild and crazy historical tour. More likely, she booked it and simply took for granted the kids would be elated to go on an old people date (referring to the activity), or at the very least the mother would force her hand and make it happen. Instead, in what's actually a pretty amazing twist of irony, the kid is getting pegged for being entitled when you've got abuelita here complaining a teenager had the audacity to enjoy a friend's party rather than invest her school holiday into a field trip.

 

Now, even as someone who was bullied and to the extent I don't quite fall in line with the whole "oh well, kids will be aholes sometimes" (got my ass beat and seemingly so on an annual quota system), I'm not quite sure how this whole bullying theme got taken up and run with. Seems pretty irreverent to the fact a teenager would simply be well within their right not to be particularly inclined to tour an old manor.

 

Is there a lesson being missed out on? I guess... if we're talking teaching kids that sometimes in life you gotta just suck it up and do some lame **** while wearing a smile. But I have no idea if the granddaughter isn't already learning that lesson in other facets of her life. Still, I can actually respect that angle a little bit. What I'm not quite understanding is assuming this daughter is betraying some big and conscious personal commitment she personally made as though she's paying rent and telling her mom when to expect her back from the bars.

 

(Off-topic, but just had to say I always feel weird when I write a response disagreeing with TWT, like the Earth had to have just gotten dumped on with some outrageous solar flare for this to happen.)

Best explanation yet.

 

If I thought it was justified to break plans with my parents like that I would.

 

It would suck and I would apologize but I am the parent and I don't want to hear my parents complaining to me about my choices.

 

They can express their opinions about something but start nagging and I'm just going to push them away and ignore them.

 

Your tone suggests you are speaking from a pretty high horse of parenting experience. If I was your inlaw I would push back against you everytime I felt a push, right or wrong.

 

Whether the subject is justified or not to me. I will not be nagged at by my parents about how I parent.

 

I love hearing all this complaining about the next generation. What I find hilarious is that people complain that the next generation isn't raising their kids right.

But ironically how we learned to raise kids is based off how YOU raised us.

 

I am 30 and I frequently have to tell my parents that they don't get to have the micro parenting relationship they let my grandparents have with me.

 

I might also be a little harsh because I have a very encroaching mother and MIL.

 

I tell them frequently to "get over it". You raised me, now I get to raise them, not you.

[Seraphim]

Nothing makes a person more angry then telling them how to parent. It is not a grandparent’s job to parent or an aunt’s job to parent.

[abitbroken]

Thanks for your reply journeynow...yes, everyone was on the same page. Phone calls, e-mails and in person. We'd planned this President's Day

outing for a month. GD said "I can't go with you on Monday because I got a last minute invitation to my friend's birthday party. I wasn't

happy and told my son and DIL...now there is a riff going on. Guess I'm the bad person.

 

Then you accept the cancellation graciously just like any other event. You adjust your tickets, etc for one less person. She observed proper etiquette by RSVP'ing no. Stuff comes up. "Thank you for telling me. We will miss you, but look forward to seeing you later" is enough. its up to her if she wanted to tell her cousin she wasn't going. No need to tell your other child what she did and to get your children fighting. She said "monday" meaning she called you in advance of monday to let you know. Its not like she just didn't show.

[ThatwasThen]

This is correct....My GD when younger, had the worst temper tantrums I'd ever seen...and she was eight years

old and still was acting out.

 

I'm not surprised to hear that. Makes me wonder if they just let her skip out on you to avoid her tantrum?

 

My feelings about this are real and so, I'll maintain my original thoughts and know that my GD was only thinking of herself.

I'm still with you Judy. Its totally understandable why you were upset. I suppose because I would have never let my daughter skip out on something planned out like that for an invitation that came afterwards. I'm also a grandmother (not to sure who else who has commented is) and I know how important it is to me and my husband to do things together with them past dinner at Gramma's.

[XceptionFatale]

I'm 72 and old fashioned...but life was better in years past. We respected

our parents and GP's and TEACHERS! And, police officers and other's opinions. We behaved and we had

consequences. And, we became fairly nice folks.

 

Wasn't the zeitgeist of your teenaged years, the 1960s, rooted in very anti-establishment, anti-authoritarian viewpoints? I'm pretty sure parents and grandparents were concerned about the teenagers levels of respect (or lack thereof). You're right though, many of you did become fairly nice folks - who I can thank for many of the civil liberties I enjoy today.

 

This could be an opportunity in disguise, approach your grand daughter as the young lady she is, ask her if she had a good time at the party and then explain that you're hurt because you were looking forward to spending time with her and ask that in the future should plans be made that she is aware of, you expect her to either contact you directly with the reason she can't attend, or honor her commitments period. You can use this as a stepping stone to ask her if she is comfortable being open with you and if not, what can you both do to solve this?

 

I see the possibility of being able to steer a young lady into adulthood proper if you handle the situation with grace and tact.

[Tanzi]

I’ve not been on eNA for a while and this thread - or rather some of the replies - is the reason why. The twists and turns that some threads take never fails to surprise me. As was mentioned she was being a typical teenager yet the granddaughter was referred to as an “entitled princess” from just one event when not any one of us knows her or how she is being parented! I get that the OP may have had reason to feel put out but, with a little understanding, I also think it’s something that could have been easily let go of and accepted.

 

As Batya said my own parents would have insisted that my daughter go to a party and that she didn’t feel left out or excluded from things that her friends were doing. I mean, where would the girl rather be? So, why insist she do something that she probably would rather not be doing? Forcing her to go simply to teach her a lesson seems a little harsh don’t you think? That then makes it a punishment.

 

My children adore their grandparents (my parents) because they always have so much fun together (and my eldest is in her 20’s now). They enjoy doing things with them because they are chilled grandparents would not be bothered about such matters. If one of my daughters makes other plans so be it. They will spend quality time with her on another occasion. They would much prefer she went to a party then want to hear about it later, telling them stories of their own youth (their stories always make us laugh). They certainly would not want to be the type of grandparents who insisted she go on a Presidential Tour” instead of having fun with her friends. That would defeat the point of the object. The object being they all have a great time together.

 

I know most won’t agree with me but if I were the parent I would let her go to the party too ... and if I were the grandparent I wouldn’t have been in the least bit offended. After all, I was 15 once too!

[ThatwasThen]

Well, how "Stepford" would it be if we all said the same thing and agreed on the same thing and no one had a differing opinion.

 

One can still be in a very good relationship with their grandparents when boundaries are in place and plans are not forsaken for "something better." I have an excellent relationship with my daughter who had boundaries in place and rules to follow and I have two grandchildren that wouldn't change plans at the last minute (three days before the event) because I know that their mother wouldn't feel it was right. They are too young to make their own decision right now so we shall see but currently the oldest is quite happy to do things with his grandparents and would, I'm sure, understand that he wouldn't be able to go to a last minute invite to a party when he's already going out with his cousins and family that day.

 

OP as shared that this particular grandchild has had behaviour problems and was prone to having tantrums so that alone says a lot about being allowed to (dare I say) rule the roost at home at a very young age. Children need rules and boundaries or yes, they very well may end up an "entitlement princess."