Grandparents set aside as granddaughter canceled to be with friends

[yatsue]

She wasn't "forced" into anything. The arrangements were made and if the G-daughter didn't want to go then she should have said so at the time of the invitation. Accepting the invitation and then bailing out after is the issue.

 

Why does it matter anymore? It. Was. Cancelled....is it so hard to turn this into a positive experience, if you want to spend time with one particular family member, then to invite that family member for some alone time to build up the relationship? Face it, teens hate family gatherings.

[ThatwasThen]

Why does it matter anymore? It. Was. Cancelled....

You brought it up that she was being "forced"... I was just responding.

 

The Op is upset about it and wanted to hear opinions, that's the only reason why "it" matters anymore.

[yatsue]

You brought it up that she was being "forced"... I was just responding.

 

The Op is upset about it and wanted to hear opinions, that's the only reason why "it" matters anymore.

 

It's holding a grudge at this point, and multiple posters were essentially saying the parents should have made (force) the GD attend which is why I stated that. What are all these negative thoughts going to do? Only pushing the GD away, which defeats to OP's intentions, right? Yeah, I don't like people cancelling either, I get it, but this hate doesn't help her situation at all frankly.

 

Really, if you care about your family coming, then at least invite them out as individuals more than once. As the grandparent is the adult here with the resources to invite her to something, dial her phone number and say "hey let's drive to the park or watch a cool movie we want to see".

[ThatwasThen]

It's holding a grudge at this point. What are all these negative thoughts going to do? Only pushing the GD away, which defeats to OP's intentions, right? Yeah, I don't like people cancelling either, I get it, but this hate doesn't help her situation at all frankly.

 

Really, if you care about your family coming, then at least invite them out as individuals more than once. As the grandparent is the adult here with the resources to invite her to something, dial her phone number and say "hey let's drive to the park or watch a cool movie we want to see".

Op hasn't said she never does anything like that. Perhaps she does but she's here about this one situation and wanted other opinions. I doubt she's going to hold a grudge. It is her grand daughter after all and she loves her enough to plan events that could have been attended by her and all of her g-kids since it was a school holiday.

[yatsue]

Op hasn't said she never does anything like that. Perhaps she does but she's here about this one situation and wanted other opinions. I doubt she's going to hold a grudge. It is her grand daughter after all and she loves her enough to plan events that could have been attended by her and all of her g-kids since it was a school holiday.

 

My point is being missed: the OP does not seem close to her at all. Hence, if they were closer the GD would want to see her more over her friends. The way to do that is to develop a more focused relationship. That is all.

 

All of the negativity on how her parents should have acted in this or that manner or her not going so is not helping and is unproductive. That will not make the relationship better at all.

 

The question is: do you want to be validated in being right or developing a good relationship with your grand daughter?

[ThatwasThen]

She didn't ask us "how to make their relationship better" She asked us for opinions on the fact that her grand daughter bailed on her and went to a birthday party instead.

 

Op felt "dumped" and wanted to know if she was justified in feeling that way. I think she is justified but told her not to hold a grudge. She let her son know how it made them feel and that's enough.

 

The question is: do you want to be validated in being right or developing a good relationship with your grand daughter?

The question is, why are you assuming that they don't have a good relationship in general. This is one instance that the Op is talking about here. She hasn't given us any indication that they have a strained relationship or one that is not based on mutual fondness and respect.

[yatsue]

She didn't ask us "how to make their relationship better"

 

No, and I stated before I don't like rudeness like this either, but this presents a solution to her woes, instead of making the parents force her to go (which will definitely cause resentment towards the parents and GD). She indicates she cares this GD comes to these events. She can pay more attention to her family and then that can solve the issue instead of feeling bad about it.

[Hollyj]

The bullying isn't so important now. What is, is establishing a good, quality relationship with her extended family via alone time together. Forcing the grand daughter at these family gatherings is not going to achieve that as it doesn't create a close environment, while setting a negative pretense (not her choice).

 

And for christ's sake, the GD is not becoming a monster over one incident that didn't even happen (got cancelled anyway).

I was referring to the overall behavior. That is the impression I got. If you wish to go back an read the posts, the OP stated that she raises the daughter like her friend. This creates entitlement.

[Hollyj]

It's holding a grudge at this point, and multiple posters were essentially saying the parents should have made (force) the GD attend which is why I stated that. What are all these negative thoughts going to do? Only pushing the GD away, which defeats to OP's intentions, right? Yeah, I don't like people cancelling either, I get it, but this hate doesn't help her situation at all frankly.

 

Really, if you care about your family coming, then at least invite them out as individuals more than once. As the grandparent is the adult here with the resources to invite her to something, dial her phone number and say "hey let's drive to the park or watch a cool movie we want to see".

 

This is not the point. If all of the other kids were capable of joining, then she should have as well. Good grief!

 

She said that she had a good relationship with the grandkids.

[Seraphim]

The thing is her parents probably know her better than grandparents she sees at holiday times. While I don’t think it’s good to raise your child as your friend because that doesn’t really work, I would probably hazard to guess her personality is probably better known by her parents than her grandparents . And if it’s the one time she’s missed out on visits with her grandparents this is not a big deal .

[ThatwasThen]

Even if her parents do know her better then her grandparents I don't think that excuses her cancelling an agreed to and planned out invitation. Letting her do that, IMO, is teaching her to be "precious" (borrowing a word from another thread there which I think applies here).

 

To each their own but I just would not have allowed my 15 year old daughter to reneg on a planned out date with her grandparents and other cousins. She can resent ME all she wants but she'd certainly get over it. Me not allowing her to do such a thing would take that blame off of her grandparents.

 

I will add that at the very least I think her mother should have asked the Op how she would feel about her not attending their event because there was a very important birthday party she would like to go to. I'd like to think that most grammas would say "Oh let her go to it and we'll see her next time" even if they were disappointed that she wouldn't be there with them.

[Seraphim]

She might get over it. Who knows. But when asked if she wants to go again she might say no. And 15 is three short years away from 18 and then can say no whenever she likes.

[ThatwasThen]

If she wants to decline anything at any age that would be her choice and I'd respect that. If she declined from the onset I wouldn't have an issue with her and I'd say Op doesn't have a leg to stand on. It's the fact she bailed on an already agreed to arrangement is what I'm against and can see why op feels "dumped."

[Seraphim]

As I said I can see why grandma is upset but making it a whole family affair of upset and involving her other kids? Nope. That is far worse than a 15 year old wanting to go to a birthday party.

[shellyf62]

Maybe she wasnt asked if she wanted to go, maybe she was told she was going?

 

I am a Grandmother to an 8 yr old boy. I would never make plans without discussing them with him. I love & respect him enough to want his feedback on the outing, and to make sure it is enjoyable for both of us.

 

I do not want him spending time with me because he is obligated to, I want him to want to spend time with me.

 

And as a side note, I would never tell my Son & his Wife how to parent my Grandson, that is just wrong on so many levels. Also, telling us that your DIL parents her child "wrong" screams volumes.

[ThatwasThen]

Maybe she wasnt asked if she wanted to go, maybe she was told she was going?

 

I am a Grandmother to an 8 yr old boy. I would never make plans without discussing them with him. I love & respect him enough to want his feedback on the outing, and to make sure it is enjoyable for both of us.

 

I do not want him spending time with me because he is obligated to, I want him to want to spend time with me.

 

I agree with you.

There is no indication that she was forced to go though.

 

As I said I can see why grandma is upset but making it a whole family affair of upset and involving her other kids? Nope. That is far worse than a 15 year old wanting to go to a birthday party.

Where did she say she made it a whole family affair of upset? (I missed that) I don't agree with that happening either. I think letting her son (the father of the GD in question) know that she was disappointed isn't out of line though.

 

Anyway, I've let my opinion be known, OP. I can see why you were upset. Don't let it cause any animosity between you two. Like I said, life is too short for that.

[Seraphim]

I agree with you.

There is no indication that she was forced to go though.

 

Where did she say she made it a whole family affair of upset? (I missed that) I don't agree with that happening either. I think letting her son (the father of the GD in question) know that she was disappointed isn't out of line though.

 

Anyway, I've let my opinion be known, OP. I can see why you were upset. Don't let it cause any animosity between you two. Like I said, life is too short for that.

Apparently her daughter got a hold of her brother ( GD’s dad ) and they had words about it because her daughter is “ disappointed “ . So now the aunt had to get in on it and now the dad is angry and they don’t have the best of relationships anyway .

 

“Last evening I

spoke with my son who also was dismissive and angry that his sister (my daughter) texted him and told

him that they were wrong in allowing this. I believe she used some strong words since her daughter was

one of the five and was also disappointed. Dynamics aren't always good between the two siblings. I am

not about to hold grudges or bad” ( post 13)

 

So now it’s become a whole family sh_tstorm.

[yatsue]

I was referring to the overall behavior. That is the impression I got. If you wish to go back an read the posts, the OP stated that she raises the daughter like her friend. This creates entitlement.

 

You called a 15 year old child who just didn't want to go to her grandparents outing one time a monster...watch out folks, we have a future serial killer on our hands.

[abitbroken]

Its not intrinsically rude to cancel plans. if you call someone up and tell them you are unable to make it, then that is the polite thing to do.

 

As far as people saying "she was bullied in grade school, not now, so its over with. Everyone gets bullied." No. everyone does not get bullied. Maybe every kid gets called a name at some point - but that is not systematic bullying. There are some kids who are targeted and are bullied and outcast all through grade school and it carries through and affects them in high school even if they are no longer bullied. If she has a couple friends now, it should be supported and encouraged.

 

I am deeply hurt that she did this and disappointed that our son and his

wife agreed that she could do this.

 

It doesn't sound like you have individual relationships with your grandkids. if you did, you not would invite the kids by asking their parents only.

 

Did you talk to your grandchildren -- if they are teenagers, i would have asked, "hey (grandkids names), Grandpa and i are going to the president's house on president's day and would love to take you with us. Would you like to go?" They can say yes or no if they are interested. If they were not, you could go enjoy it by yourself or say "we would like to spend some time with you, what would you guys like to do? We can go to lunch, or we can go play minigolf.." If the point is the president's house, then you enjoy it by yourselves in peace and quiet or you go with the grandkids who actually want to go and then the ones that don't can just be jealous when they hear what good a time they had. or if the point is spending time, then you could have found out when the birthday party was during the day, you do things with the grandkids and then include the older one at the end of your day.

 

I think this is less about the granddaughter and more about wanting to fuel the drama among your children.

 

And now why would your granddaughter want to spend time with you if you are so deeply disappointed? I mean, you can be "deeply disappointed" if they are flunking or taking drugs, but Grandma should be "i missed you today, sweetie, you would have really enjoyed the X we saw. I was disappointed that i didn't have you there, but we'll plan something else" not "i am deeply disappointed and therefore i will make sure i pit your dad against his sibling and get everyone to fight!"

[milly007]

I don't think the OP encouraged her daughter to text her son. It sounds like the OP's daughter decided to text her brother on her own, which put him off.

 

I doubt OP has any control over what her daughter and son do, but to me, it sounds like the daughter took it upon herself to send the text, which isn't the OP's fault.

 

What happened definitely caused some tension amongst the family, but heck...that's family dynamics for ya.

 

Can't please everyone, and if it isn't one thing, there's always another.

 

That said, I don't believe the OP was looking to deliberately create a s@&$storm.

[yatsue]

Its not intrinsically rude to cancel plans. if you call someone up and tell them you are unable to make it, then that is the polite thing to do.

 

As far as people saying "she was bullied in grade school, not now, so its over with. Everyone gets bullied." No. everyone does not get bullied. Maybe every kid gets called a name at some point - but that is not systematic bullying. There are some kids who are targeted and are bullied and outcast all through grade school and it carries through and affects them in high school even if they are no longer bullied. If she has a couple friends now, it should be supported and encouraged.

 

I am deeply hurt that she did this and disappointed that our son and his

wife agreed that she could do this.

 

It doesn't sound like you have individual relationships with your grandkids. if you did, you not would invite the kids by asking their parents only.

 

Did you talk to your grandchildren -- if they are teenagers, i would have asked, "hey (grandkids names), Grandpa and i are going to the president's house on president's day and would love to take you with us. Would you like to go?" They can say yes or no if they are interested. If they were not, you could go enjoy it by yourself or say "we would like to spend some time with you, what would you guys like to do? We can go to lunch, or we can go play minigolf.." If the point is the president's house, then you enjoy it by yourselves in peace and quiet or you go with the grandkids who actually want to go and then the ones that don't can just be jealous when they hear what good a time they had. or if the point is spending time, then you could have found out when the birthday party was during the day, you do things with the grandkids and then include the older one at the end of your day.

 

YES! This would be a much better approach to the situation. Treat the kids like individuals, or humans, and not an extention of the parents who should govern them. Develop a connection with them. Perhaps get their cell phone number and give em a ring every now and then.

[Seraphim]

And how does the daughter even know??? Mom had to mention it.

[milly007]

And how does the daughter even know??? Mom had to mention it.

 

I believe OP told her daughter that GC wasn't attending because her daughter's kids were going to attend this outing with the grandparents as well.

 

Her daughter then texted her brother and told him that they shouldn't be allowing their daughter to back out of plans.

[abitbroken]

And how does the daughter even know??? Mom had to mention it.

 

I have one Grandma who called the house to talk to US and when we were little. A week would not go by when she wouldn't call and talk to whatever kid that picked up. I am sure some of the conversations we wanted to have as little kids must have been super boring but she did it. She didn't make extravagant plans, sure there were times when my Grandparents met us at the zoo and such, or the fair, etc. My other Grandma was at arm's length and it was always "let's get dressed up to go see Grandma". We didn't hear from her. We didn't see her unless it was a holiday and she was there or unless the rare circumstances when we would be taken to see her "tell Grandma about the X you are doing..." we would be told. Be the first Grandma, not the second Grandma. And above all, don't put on the martyr act. My Grandma understoood if someone had a doctor's appointment or a practice or a party, we would just do something a different time,

[Seraphim]

Well, not necessary to tell the daughter when she knows her kids can’t get along.