Asked out a guy friend and I am pissed now

[lgpb]

I am a 30+ attractive young woman. I get asked out a decent amount and go on a lot of dates, but haven't felt strongly about anybody yet to commit to a full relationship. I was best friends with this guy from work for more than a year. We would hang out a lot sometimes with friends, sometimes alone, but basically the night used to end up with both of us hanging out. I had broken up last year with my seven year old boyfriend when I started hanging out with this guy on the nights I wasn't going on a date. I didn't want to jump into a new relationship so the platonic friendship worked for me. Our hanging out generally ended up with the friend inviting me to his place where we would go to the gym to workout together, and then he would cook for us, or we would go out to eat, ending up with watching a show and talking, drinking wine and then me heading home to sleep. This went for quite a few months. He is kind of aware of my dating life not privy to the details, as he's still a guy after all and I would also provide him dating advice with the chicks he was pursuing or dating. He even cancelled all plans to attend all the three days of my birthday celebration last year. He pulls my leg but also compliments me often on how great I look, how I smell, how pretty I am. We have a lot of banter, but I am the smarter more successful one of us two. Our backgrounds are very similar as we both come from very similar kinds of families and social circles. He always listens to me rant, and has been there for me through really tough times.

 

I was dating multiple people that he wasn't aware of and he was seeing another girl, who he was trying to break up with for a few months now.

 

For the last few months, some of my close friends we used to hang out with started saying that they think he's into me and that he definitely likes me as more than a friend. To test it out, I started hanging out more with him, most of the time alone. He started asking me to stay over the night and even sometimes suggested , and we would sleep on the same bed, but we never did anything beyond sleeping. Finally after I had slept over a few times in a month, I gathered the courage to text him and ask him why even though we both were attractive we hadn't made a move and that I have a feeling that our attraction is mutual.

 

He didn't reply to that text for four days, which me being a proud person really pissed me off. I never reached back to him again. After four days he texted that he didn't know what to reply and apologized for the delay in the response. And that he never figured the mutual attraction. He suggested we have a conversation about it. I was pissed so I saw it and never responded. A few hours after that he started calling me but I ignored his call. Then he texted me another apology and suggested we hang out, drink and play videogames (like we do when we hang out). I ignored that message do because I really don't know what to do at this point. I am a very proud person, so if I feel any sort of disrespect I shut off completely. It's my thumb rule that I live by and I have a tendency to cut off people completely from my life at this stage.

 

Could you please advise on what to do? Or provide insights on why it happened?

[Liraele]

Grow up?

 

I mean, I know that sounds harsh, but sheesh. Your reaction to him not responding the way you wanted/expected him to is pretty childish.

 

It sounds like you caught him off guard and he needed some time to think. He's entitled to that, and you don't have to be privy to the process while he does so. When he'd had time to process and reached out....you ignored him.

 

At this point, you either offer a mea culpa and have the talk IF he's still willing to have it, or you stick to your guns and cut out the friendship AND the potential relationship.

 

Were there some mixed signals there from him? Yes. HOWEVER, you let those boundaries be set and went along with things as they were, so that's still not really his fault. It's at least equal fault on the confusion.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems he was taken aback and needed to formulate a response. However he was quite honest and diplomatic. It seems you thought you were better than him and don't take rejection very well. Perhaps you expected him to fall at your feet? Reflect if this more about ego or if you really wanted more with this guy.

I am a 30+ attractive young woman. I am the smarter more successful one of us two. After four days he texted that he didn't know what to reply and apologized for the delay in the response. And that he never figured the mutual attraction. I have a tendency to cut off people completely from my life at this stage.

[Sportster2005]

What happened?

 

He rejected you. You then thought the best response was emotional warfare. And now he's ignoring you.

 

What should you do? Get over yourself. People get rejected.

[Starlight925]

You sound like a self-obsessed person, and you think pretty highly of yourself. Referring to all the times in your post you called yourself pretty, or smarter than him, etc.

 

So when he didn't respond, you're like, wait, I'm so unbelievably amazing, he should be begging at my feet. Yet he didn't.

 

Frankly, you sound extremely annoying and, as Lirale pointed out above, childish.

[katrina1980]

I'm sorry OP perhaps I missed something but how did he 'disrespect" you?

 

You were friends, you felt an attraction. You assumed it was mutual, he told you it wasn't, that he wasn't "feeling it," how is that him disrespecting you?

 

Did he say or do anything else that you haven't shared with us that would indicate disrespect?

 

Like, did he laugh at you or make fun that you thought it was mutual?

 

I'm confused.

 

I get you're disappointed but from what you've written, I see nothing that he did or said that would reflect disrespect or give you any reason to be "pissed."

[Batya33]

I'm sorry OP perhaps I missed something but how did he 'disrespect" you?

 

You were friends, you felt an attraction. You assumed it was mutual, he told you it wasn't, that he wasn't "feeling it," how is that him disrespecting you?

 

Did he say or do anything else that you haven't shared with us that would indicate disrespect?

 

Like, did he laugh at you or make fun that you thought it was mutual?

 

I'm confused.

 

I get you're disappointed but from what you've written, I see nothing that he did or said that would reflect disrespect or give you any reason to be "pissed."

 

Completely agree with this and the other responses except I don't think he sent mixed signals or if he did, you did too. I am also really surprised you did this by text -I thought you said you see him in person regularly? What I probably would have done instead of texting him about my feelings was simply asked him out on a date in advance when you next saw him. That way it wouldn't be some dramatic confession and yet would make it clear you'd like to date him.

 

If you think you're smarter/superior to him (and what is smart about dating a 7 year old -I mean seriously, we all make typos but aren't you smarter than that LOL) then he also might sense that and, understandably, not want to get involved with you.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I feel bad for him! It really sounds like he was trying to reach out to you, and you didn't want to reach out to him. Talk to him about the situation! He didn't get to say all he wanted to say, hear what he has to say! He obviously wants to still be in your life in some capacity because he asked you to come over and play video games.

[reinventmyself]

He did not disrespect you. He isn't attracted to you in a romantic way. There is a difference.

 

It sounds like your ego is so crushed over this you missed the big picture and feel entitled to him beling flattered that someone of your caliber would make a move on someone like him.

 

He's been a great friend to you. Yet you feel you need to punish him and teach him a lesson with your silence?

I have no words. I feel sorry for the guy.

 

I hope you rethink this and apologize to him for being the disrespectful one.

[MissCanuck]

He did this because he evidently doesn't feel the same way and didn't know how to tell you. He didn't disrespect you.

 

Your punitive silent treatment is childish, though, and uncalled-for.

[DaisyMayPorter]

AND he's such a good friend that he came to not 1 - but all 3 days of your birthday celebration! I can barely get my friends together for 1, lol!

 

And I agree, talking about your feelings is always better in person, not over text. :-(

 

Call him!

[lgpb]

Thanks guy and you're super awesome. This was super helpful, actually weirdly something I was looking for, like this character assassination helps haha. I do actually believe I have a really big ego, but I do take rejection well, doesn't happen enough for me to get used to it. One of the major reasons why I didn't want to do it in person, since I had no idea how I would react. So the text was a safe way to go.

 

And I am aware that I easily cut off people, which I unconsciously didn't want to do with this guy. He's actually a super awesome guy and this thread made me realize, that knowing him, the apology probably took a lot from him. I have actually never known him to apologize to any of his friends before, he generally just shuts off. And yeah that made me realize he does appreciate me as a friend a lot more than I previously thought. I guess that was one of the reasons he became my prime go-to person after my break-up. And yeah good friendships are hard to come by in this age and he's been an absolutely stunning friend. And after all your advice I think I should appreciate the fact that he did all of that without having any ulterior motives in his mind. Holy guys, I was going to give up all this for a stupid response before I came here.

 

Anyways took your advice and messaged him apologizing for being stupid in ignoring him, and telling him I am just an idiot and I was just scared to face the consequences of my stupidity, and asked him if we could talk in person, and I could explain what happened. He was pretty happy and now we are talking normally. He did say he really liked the message though haha and I was good at flirting. So we are going to hang out today and I am so relieved.

 

And now that I think about it, I don't think I was into him. I liked hanging out with him a lot, but it was the combined effect of everybody telling he was into me and my latest bad dates that I steered towards it. Just another single girl, putting herself out there you know. Haha.

 

I am not a bad person, but yes I have a fragile ego and have flaws like every existing awesome person ever haha (I'm kidding. I'm just a little bit cocky... lol). And please don't mind my "dating a 7 year old typo" .. oh god lol now that I read it it sounds so wrong. Haha. Was just emotionally typing like a little kid. I was in a relationship with a 32 year old man for the record lol. I guess that breakup after "7 years" left a few scars.

 

So thanks guys seriously for this. You all probably just saved a really awesome friendship, and I get my only straight guy friend's dating advice back. Keep up the awesome work. Ciao.

[Pleasedonot5]

Whoa, take a step back. You:

 

-have three day birthday parties?

-self-identify as more successful and attractive than him?

-ignore him?

-think he owes you anything at all?

 

The sense of entitlement here is filling the room. Deflate your ego, minimize your pride, and be thankful this guy wants to be friends with you.

 

He doesn't owe you anything.

[reinventmyself]

Response with Class.

Nicely done, Igpb

[Batya33]

"And please don't mind my "dating a 7 year old typo" .. oh god lol now that I read it it sounds so wrong. Haha. Was just emotionally typing like a little kid. I was in a relationship with a 32 year old man for the record lol. I guess that breakup after "7 years" left a few scars. "

 

LOL those first grade boys are awfully cute!! I was kidding. And I loved your post -agree, very classy and insightful.

[catfeeder]

he was seeing another girl, who he was trying to break up with for a few months now.

 

I'm not clear about this. What does it mean, exactly; does he still have a GF?

[melancholy123]

You sound like a self-obsessed person, and you think pretty highly of yourself. Referring to all the times in your post you called yourself pretty, or smarter than him, etc.

 

So when he didn't respond, you're like, wait, I'm so unbelievably amazing, he should be begging at my feet. Yet he didn't.

 

Frankly, you sound extremely annoying and, as Lirale pointed out above, childish.

 

I agree with this.

[DaisyMayPorter]

“I do actually believe I have a really big ego, but I do take rejection well, doesn't happen enough for me to get used to it.“

 

Well that’s nice that you don’t get rejected that much lol!

[lgpb]

I'm not clear about this. What does it mean, exactly; does he still have a GF?

 

No he doesn't. She was somebody he was seeing for a bit. Then told her it wasn't going to work out, and said yesterday that he had finally cut her off. Not trying to steal another girl's man yet. Haha

[lgpb]

“I do actually believe I have a really big ego, but I do take rejection well, doesn't happen enough for me to get used to it.“

 

Well that’s nice that you don’t get rejected that much lol!

 

Haha well that's also because I don't do much of the asking out. The one time I have done it was with my previous ex. So that worked out well. Haha

[lgpb]

So small update. We did meet up yesterday. It was not awkward at all so that was good...we hung out for a long time- did the usual stuff gymming, dinner, games and show and then we talked about the message. He said I caught him totally off guard, especially because that weekend he had friends over and was drinking when I messaged him. I made a joke about if he had replied I could've made a joke about "me smoothly moonwalking back into the bro-zone I just tried to escape". But he killed my joke and it's timing and that was ridiculous on his part lol. I also made a joke about how people on Antarctic expeditions were faster at replying to a text. Haha. We had a good laugh about it. (I know I'm hilarious.. )

 

He said I am not saying no to this and us. He said honestly he thinks I am ing amazing, and he's actually surprised that he didn't think about it before himself. But he said he would like to see how things go now. He re-read the message again and said that was actually a really well written message and he was actually flattered that I would think about him this ways. Anyways we were talking our weekends while hanging out. I mentioned everything else and left out the part that I have another date on Saturday.

 

While leaving we hugged good night and I walked away towards the elevator. As I was about to get in the elevator, he came from behind and said let him know if I wanted to hang out over the weekend anytime I was free.

 

So I think it went well. Can't thank everybody enough again here. I feel like I did the right thing in not loosing him as a friend. I mean worst case he would probably be the best man on my wedding haha. Hope he has some good moves, because there'll be a lot of dancing at that one. :D

[lgpb]

Response with Class.

Nicely done, Igpb

 

Thank you. I try. haha

[lgpb]

"And please don't mind my "dating a 7 year old typo" .. oh god lol now that I read it it sounds so wrong. Haha. Was just emotionally typing like a little kid. I was in a relationship with a 32 year old man for the record lol. I guess that breakup after "7 years" left a few scars. "

 

LOL those first grade boys are awfully cute!! I was kidding. And I loved your post -agree, very classy and insightful.

 

Haha I am dying :D

[mustlovedogs]

Be careful with continuing to pester him with his slow reply. You’re making jokes but it’s clearly not something you find funny.

[figureitout23]

So small update. We did meet up yesterday. It was not awkward at all so that was good...we hung out for a long time- did the usual stuff gymming, dinner, games and show and then we talked about the message. He said I caught him totally off guard, especially because that weekend he had friends over and was drinking when I messaged him. I made a joke about if he had replied I could've made a joke about "me smoothly moonwalking back into the bro-zone I just tried to escape". But he killed my joke and it's timing and that was ridiculous on his part lol. I also made a joke about how people on Antarctic expeditions were faster at replying to a text. Haha. We had a good laugh about it. (I know I'm hilarious.. )

 

He said I am not saying no to this and us. He said honestly he thinks I am ing amazing, and he's actually surprised that he didn't think about it before himself. But he said he would like to see how things go now. He re-read the message again and said that was actually a really well written message and he was actually flattered that I would think about him this ways. Anyways we were talking our weekends while hanging out. I mentioned everything else and left out the part that I have another date on Saturday.

 

While leaving we hugged good night and I walked away towards the elevator. As I was about to get in the elevator, he came from behind and said let him know if I wanted to hang out over the weekend anytime I was free.

 

So I think it went well. Can't thank everybody enough again here. I feel like I did the right thing in not loosing him as a friend. I mean worst case he would probably be the best man on my wedding haha. Hope he has some good moves, because there'll be a lot of dancing at that one. :D

 

I think it went well too. It sounds like he's interested but wants to take thing slow.

 

Temper your ego things will be fine.