Too Fussy?

[thealchemist]

Overly altruistic

[itsallgrand]

What are the 22 minimum requirements? I'm interested in that one because that sounds rather long for minimum must haves.

[dias]

You are too picky in this forum. I only want a girl to be sexy and naughty. I am easy going!

[thealchemist]

You are too picky in this forum. I only want a girl to be sexy and naughty. I am easy going!

Even if they are a racist neo Nazi that hates dogs and doesn't tip?

[thornz]

Sorry I’m not doing a very good job of replying. Will do so when I get some time!

 

The minimum requirements again, some are linked so possibly repeating myself.

 

House trained

Intelligent

Sincere

Adventurous

Of Integrity/Honest

Reliable

Single

Health Conscious

Responsible

Patient

Committed and willing to compromise

Open to adoption/fostering/ has no kids

Affectionate/tactile

Appreciative

Ambitious

Hard working

Supportive

Loyal

Great Communicator

Considerate

Chivalrous

Open minded

Sociable/outgoing

[j.man]

Looks like a list of resume fluff words.

[boltnrun]

"House trained"? Like, he doesn't pee or poo on the floor?

[itsallgrand]

Ok I laughed at the house trained bit and not pooping or peeing on the floor.

 

The must haves imo seem quite vague and there's a lot of them! Remember, must haves are bare bones stuff. Just as an example, is it truly mperative to you that he be chivalrous? And what specifically does that mean? If he doesn't hold doors for you all the time ( say if you get there first) , no more dates? Just one example.

 

I think you are on the right track but you could be more specific and edit it down some more. To the really really important stuff.

[Batya33]

Interesting that in all your list you made no mention of being fun to be around or having a compatible sense of humor with you. We went for one required session of premarital "counseling" with our religious officiant. He said "look I know you both love each other so I'm not going to ask you that but what I want to know is do you two like hanging out together -what do you like doing together?" We smiled and answered that, for example, we both liked watching Seinfeld reruns. That was more than enough for him.

[dias]

Even if they are a racist neo Nazi that hates dogs and doesn't tip?

 

That's an extreme case that I have never met.

 

I am a libertarian; I believe that everyone is entitled to his opinions as long as he doesn't try to impose them to others.

 

Of course there is a difference between someone who simply just hates dogs/being around them and someone who beats dogs. The latter is mentally ill.

[Sportster2005]

Dealbreaker 1: Correct use of grammar in all forms of written communication.

 

No acceptions.

 

You're joking right?

 

Exceptions, not acceptions.

[katrina1980]

You're joking right?

 

Exceptions, not acceptions.

 

Oh that is too funny, the irony! lol

 

Good catch Sportster!

[DancingFool]

Both of your lists are very reasonable and basic. Can be summarized as threshold requirement of basic decent person. If those lists seem extravagant to you, OP, that should tell you just how low your bar was before.

 

That said, the devil is in the details. You can have someone meet that basic threshold and still not be compatible or good for you. Plus there is always that paying sharp attention to the little things, little inconsistencies and being ruthless enough to actually walk away instead of sweeping it under the rug or making excuses for it until you are too attached to leave easily.

[catfeeder]

Both of your lists are very reasonable and basic. Can be summarized as threshold requirement of basic decent person. If those lists seem extravagant to you, OP, that should tell you just how low your bar was before.

 

Yep, exactly what I was thinking. If you need a concrete list of negatives to teach yourself what a 'red flag' means when you see it, then do whatever works for you. It signals that you don't trust your instincts to recognize a bad match when you see one. If that's the case, you may want to curb dating until you can relax into life experience for long enough to get grounded in a strong sense of your own values. When you reach that place, anyone who doesn't align with those will stand out like a sore thumb.

 

That said, the devil is in the details. You can have someone meet that basic threshold and still not be compatible or good for you.

 

Sure, because it all boils down to the fact that most people are just plain NOT our match. That's not cynical, and it's not a 'bad' thing. If love were not rare, what would be so special about it? Someone can tick all the right boxes on paper and still be a lousy match because they don't inspire in you the chemistry of 'simpatico'.

 

The idea is to rule out bad matches until you stumble across the right 'flow' with a person who 'gets you' and makes you feel fabulous rather than apprehensive or doubtful or nothing at all. You'll recognize the feeling after you've spent enough time around good friends, certain neighbors and select family members with whom you enjoy this kind of simpatico in your everyday life.

 

If you haven't relaxed into good relationships with carefully selected people in your life outside of dating, then dating becomes an urgent hunt for the love and respect you haven't yet learned how to cultivate with anyone else. That becomes a mission to get 'rescued' rather than dated, and it puts too much pressure on potential lovers to give to you what you haven't yet learned how to give to yourself.

 

That's a tall order, and most dating relationships tend to crumble under that kind of pressure. If someone is healthy enough to be dating material, he'll be looking for the same degree of health in a partner.

[boltnrun]

I still want to know what "house trained" means!!

[thornz]

Hi everyone, thanks for the input.

 

By housetrained I mean leaves things how he found them, in particular the toilet. Can’t abide people who leave empty toilet rolls/seat up/skids/urine drips on the seat, toothpaste or beard hair in the sink, pubes in the shower etc. Yuk!

 

As far as those suggesting I don’t trust my instincts and have previously had the bar set too low, you’re absolutely right. The list was suggested by another ENA user to overcome my inability to make good judgements when dating. I will be staying single whilst referring to this list to learn how to make better judgements and expect better treatment. I think since my teens my bar has gone from floor level to ankle level. I’ll get it head height with some time and work.

 

Again the comment about being needed to be rescued, absolutely true. I’m an autonomous person who should make choices according to what’s best for me, not according to who will take care of me (to a point).

 

So far my quest is going well, I have stayed single, I have ditched people whose values don’t align with mine (despite not being in a position to lose friends/company), I am not tolerating 💩 and I am using my list to learn how to avoid the wrong sorts of partners.

 

I recently started to distance myself from someone whose behaviour made me feel uncomfortable, I had some ideas why and yesterday he made a statement that confirmed my ideas. I feel happy that I listened to my gut and it was correct. I’m still figuring out how to handle this situation as we have plans together for NYE. I’ll post a new thread on that soon.

[thornz]

I will also have a good think about how to refine my two lists and post new ones. Thanks for your help 😘

[Batya33]

Hi everyone, thanks for the input.

 

By housetrained I mean leaves things how he found them, in particular the toilet. Can’t abide people who leave empty toilet rolls/seat up/skids/urine drips on the seat, toothpaste or beard hair in the sink, pubes in the shower etc. Yuk!

 

As far as those suggesting I don’t trust my instincts and have previously had the bar set too low, you’re absolutely right. The list was suggested by another ENA user to overcome my inability to make good judgements when dating. I will be staying single whilst referring to this list to learn how to make better judgements and expect better treatment. I think since my teens my bar has gone from floor level to ankle level. I’ll get it head height with some time and work.

 

Again the comment about being needed to be rescued, absolutely true. I’m an autonomous person who should make choices according to what’s best for me, not according to who will take care of me (to a point).

 

So far my quest is going well, I have stayed single, I have ditched people whose values don’t align with mine (despite not being in a position to lose friends/company), I am not tolerating 💩 and I am using my list to learn how to avoid the wrong sorts of partners.

 

I recently started to distance myself from someone whose behaviour made me feel uncomfortable, I had some ideas why and yesterday he made a statement that confirmed my ideas. I feel happy that I listened to my gut and it was correct. I’m still figuring out how to handle this situation as we have plans together for NYE. I’ll post a new thread on that soon.

 

So -just to give you maybe something to think about -if he is not "house trained" as you say and everything else is good you can communicate your expectations and throw money at the problem if you can (i.e. cleaning service).

[thornz]

Hi Batya, not being willing to tidy up your own mess would be a deal breaker for me as I see it as an indication of lack of regard for yourself, your environment and others (I have been working very hard on improving this myself) and generally find it disgusting and unattractive. Like the thought of a grown man (or woman) paying someone to wipe up after himself because he can’t be bothered makes me feel ill.

 

I wouldn’t be able to leave the mess alone til a cleaner cans as I need a cleanish, tidyish environment to feel content, then resentment would grow.

 

If I didn’t find it so unattractive then absolutely your suggestion might work. I also wouldn’t mind dating someone whose general level of tidyness/cleanliness was somewhat below mine if they pulled their weight in other areas, but particular things like clean bathroom I couldn’t let go.

 

If they were more clean and tidy then great as I would feel I had to match or better it 😇

[Batya33]

You’re showing some flexibility. Of course you don’t leave th Guns messy for days until the cleaning person comes. If it didn’t take me so long to clean for the cleaning person I’d have her come weekly not biweekly and if I was comfortable having people in my house I’d have someone even more frequent. I’m an adult who is good at cleaning and not good at decluttering and have no interest in spending my sparse free time cleaning. I have to because such is life but if it was feasible to pay someone I would. That’s why I wasn’t a stay at home mom. I was a full time Mom who rarely stayed at home - we were so often on he go - because I wasn’t going to restrict myself to the house so I could clean more.

Just sharing so you see other perspectives and approaches to cleaning. You say you hate kids so if it’s just you and husband it will be easier to keep things. Lean. Kids are often pretty darn messy and create a lot of extra laundry.