Dreams and Nightmares*

[SweetGirl28]

Hiiiiii sweetie! Yes, my insides are worked on, and good! lol.

You know what I realized today? I was thinking about several couples I know who are married and

miserable, and they won't leave for financial reasons, or their kids. This feeling of huge relief suddenly came over me! As I was driving(blasting my music, cuz I love singing , it heals me) I was like "OMG! I'm so fortunate! I have every new opportunity to find what I'm looking for! No pending seperation nor divorce, no more pining for the ex...I'm free! It feels sooooooo amazing. I'm really excited to meet my "forever", wherever he may be!!

 

I think you should go with option number 2 that you posted, if she does lay it on you that she's met someone.

Only because after reading all you write, you'd want answers, so nothing is left to the imagination.

Not certain that will happen though. I get goosebumps reading everything you write, and my gut feelings are

really strong. I'm not certain this is the beginning of the end of your journey together.

With Piaresssss (sorry buddy) my gut was pulling at me that he was going to get the friend zone idea. My own gut pulled at me that my ex was gonna set me up for a FWB deal. You....I feel there's a new beginning , but I could be wrong. I don't want to instill false hope, it's just that I feel there was love and respect between you that went deep.

 

I of course hope and pray for everyone here to find their happiness and that they get the peace they deserve,

in relationships, and life in general. Most especially to you three guys (The Three Amigos lol) who have shared your journey

so openly.

[Morello]

Hi Carus

 

I think it would be really unfair of her to get to meet you in person after all this time to deliver news about her getting into a new relationship. I wouldn't bother too much about my response in that situation, mainly because if that truly happens, I would not want to be in touch with her in any capacity so my response wouldn't matter much.

 

I think option 1 came directly from Corey Wayne and I'm pretty sure that doesn't sound like you (from your emails). You can decide between 2 or 3, just to ask her why the reason of the meet up. Make sure you use your time with her to get the answers you need and get the hell out of there. The more unaffected you look, the more proud you will be of your behaviour afterwards. But this is an ego thing because in the end it shouldn't matter.

 

I hope that will not be part of your conversation and that you can reconcile if that's what you both really want!

[pippy longstocking]

Actually, I'm just sitting here doing some business bookwork and looking around at my apartment. I'm gonna give myself a proud moment....

 

When I left our home I basically left her with everything....And I've had to rebuild from scratch....

 

I bought a fridge. I bought pots, pans, knives, forks, bowls and plates...I literally had nothin'...!

 

But....I'm doing it*

 

C*

 

awww isn't it a fab feeling , I was the same when I got pregnant . I had a deck chair , a piece of dodgy carpet and a couple of pairs of curtains , a microwave and a bed you wouldn't have let your dog sleep on ...so you be proud .

[Carus]

Hi Family ~ My favourite time of the day...Home from work, in bed and updating my journal...I've long been a writer and a musician so this journal is such a great creative outlet for me*

You know what I realized today? I was thinking about several couples I know who are married and

miserable, and they won't leave for financial reasons, or their kids. This feeling of huge relief suddenly came over me! As I was driving(blasting my music, cuz I love singing , it heals me) I was like "OMG! I'm so fortunate! I have every new opportunity to find what I'm looking for! No pending seperation nor divorce, no more pining for the ex...I'm free! It feels sooooooo amazing. I'm really excited to meet my "forever", wherever he may be!!

That is so great! What a great place to arrive in....I'm getting there and can't wait!

 

And yes, things could always be worse!

I think you should go with option number 2 that you posted, if she does lay it on you that she's met someone.

Only because after reading all you write, you'd want answers, so nothing is left to the imagination.

Not certain that will happen though. I get goosebumps reading everything you write, and my gut feelings are

really strong. I'm not certain this is the beginning of the end of your journey together.

Well, I'm with you....I had a great talk tonight with a very close female friend tonight. She is so in tune and very spiritually evolved. She also knows my wife very well...

 

I ran this^ past her and she said "No. That is not why she's contacting you..."

 

So without pumping up the ball of hope, I'm going to go with the positive and just put it out there that she genuinely misses me and wants to see me...

Actually I think she wants to interact with me to see if she can shift her feelings about me

 

So your gut could be onto something lol.....But still, we have a-ways to go yet....We shall see.....

With Piaresssss (sorry buddy) my gut was pulling at me that he was going to get the friend zone idea. My own gut pulled at me that my ex was gonna set me up for a FWB deal. You....I feel there's a new beginning , but I could be wrong. I don't want to instill false hope, it's just that I feel there was love and respect between you that went deep.

Yes, I too knew Piaressss was gonna get the result he got, but he seems somewhat satisfied that he did it....With me, I've done 6 weeks of heavy emotional work and processed a lot....AND, the fact she has now reopened communication with me without any prompting seems to count for something....

 

I believe what happens from here depends a lot on how I handle it from here....and I've certainly done my research....

The rest will be up to her....

Most especially to you three guys (The Three Amigos lol) who have shared your journey

so openly.

Si Si Amiga* Grazious por la bien deseos*

 

Hi Morello* ~ Thanks for dropping in. Hope all is well with you:

 

I think it would be really unfair of her to get to meet you in person after all this time to deliver news about her getting into a new relationship.

I agree...But I have seen it happen...But yes, I'm going to believe that is not the case here...

 

I think option 1 came directly from Corey Wayne and I'm pretty sure that doesn't sound like you (from your emails).

Haha...Yes, you pegged it.....I am still learning his stuff and most of it still feels very uncomfortable to me...But the thing is, I've been getting dumped for the last 400 years so I NEED to change things....

 

And when she sent me that first text on Jan 1st my response was straight out of his play book....It still didn't feel exactly right in my gut, but that is good. It means you are making some big changes...

 

I also just thought, well, I got nothing to lose at this point and there's not much point studying all that stuff if you're never going to put it into practice....and we pretty much got a good result from it*

I hope that will not be part of your conversation and that you can reconcile if that's what you both really want!

Thanks for the well wishes....It's certainly what I would like...The rest is up to her....

awww isn't it a fab feeling , I was the same when I got pregnant . I had a deck chair , a piece of dodgy carpet and a couple of pairs of curtains , a microwave and a bed you wouldn't have let your dog sleep on ...so you be proud .

Geezus Pip* ~ Well done! I admire you for your recovery x

 

Journal ~ A Tear Free Day*

 

Yep. Another tear free day! I think I'm up to about 5 now

 

Usually I put my phone on silent because I work night shift...but this time I left it on....just in case.....

 

Sadly though, nothing came.....

 

This made me feel a little dejected but I focused on the positive that she's still around in some capacity, or at least been thinking about me, and got myself up.

I am also growing stronger every day and I can actually feel it now....

 

A beautiful summers day so I just thought "Ah well. I'll still go to the beach anyway".....

 

Did a gym workout and then I found a gorgeous little beach 500 metres from my pad which I'd never been to before...It's my new fave*

 

Laid on the sand, swam out to the rocks and back, and then a little more sun baking...(sorry for all those in winter right now but hey, the seasons will change)....

 

There was a gorgeous girl laying by herself....I knew I had to say something coz I've found I always kick myself later if I don't...!

 

As I was leaving I walked up to her. She was watching me and smiled....I said "Hello. What's your name?"...

 

She said "I'm Ripley"....(Great name!)....(Mental note): She failed the name test and didn't ask me for my name, but that's ok...

 

I said "Hi Ripley. It's nice to meet you. Do you live around here?"

She said "Yes. I come to this spot all the time"....

 

My first thought was "Is that right? I guess I will too then"....lol

 

I said "I just live up the road. It's my first time here but I love it...and I'm just picking up some rubbish too to put in the bins...Anyway, I guess I'll see you round Ripley".

 

She said "Yes...."....and I took my leave.....What a cutie...

 

Back at home my caregiver brought coffee and we hung out for a couple of hours...She is so thrilled to see me healing now and I am so grateful that the Universe sent me this guardian angel in my darkest hour...We brainstormed a potential business idea between us...*

 

Just then a text comes in! It reads "Hey. Had a mad day at work this morning. I have a couple of hours free if you wanna catch up now....or tomorrow?

 

I got quite excited about that and it rubbed off on my caregiver too....lol It was so funny to see her get so excited by proxy....heh....

 

I was only half an hour away from going to work though so I sent this: "Found a new spunky little beach today. Gorgeous! Can't do today. See how you go tomorrow*"

 

And that was that....

 

So I don't know if she got p*ssed at that or had a little sulk, or whatever....But she has to know that I am not desperate to see her and she can't just snap her fingers and I'll come a-running! I said 11am on Wednesday or Thursday and that's how it is.....

 

I had to go to work soon but I also want to know that she is serious about meeting me....

 

So we shall see...I'm going back to 'Ripley Beach' tomorrow regardless!

 

So there is still some residual pain there and I won't be surprised if I have a couple more relapses along the way. These recent texts have obviously instilled some hope in me and those around me (and SweetGirls gut lol), but if she's run off again, I will just try and maintain the fact that I'm feeling a lot better than 6 weeks ago...and surprisingly, even 1 week ago...and she'll probably be back again at some stage...I'm more confident of that now....

 

But my healing is not complete and that is of utmost importance right now....above getting her back...

 

I had a real feeling tonight and when I got home that I need to continue to let go and just trust that the Universe is going to do whatever it deems is the right thing.

 

If it thinks we should be together, then so mote it be....If not, then so mote it be....

 

In the meantime, I will continue to focus on my health...mental, physical and spiritual....

 

In fact, when I go to Bali in 9 days, we are going to a 2 day seminar by one of the great spirtual leaders from India...Really looking forward to that...and of course, hoping to get some surf as well*

 

So all in all a good day....I hope my thread is bringing something to all those who are following it, and to all those who may come across it in the future*

 

Today I am grateful for:

1) My amazing health.

2) My business's that are doing well.

3) My guardian angel.

 

Let's see what the morning brings...I think Pain Monster is starting to lose a bit of power*

 

Peace

Carus*

[sputnik123]

hello dear Carus,

 

Well done on the tear free day and for Ripley... (reminds me of Alien!)

 

Nice work on the gym too.

 

You have such a lovely way with words and your Journal is quite the attraction.

 

I think you gave the correct response to your ex when she text you..making yourself available at the drop of a hat would have made the wrong impression.. she'll be back (now it's Terminator!)

 

I can categorically say that there are no spunky little beaches round my way!!!

 

"So there is still some residual pain there and I won't be surprised if I have a couple more relapses along the way. These recent texts have obviously instilled some hope in me and those around me (and SweetGirls gut lol), but if she's run off again, I will just try and maintain the fact that I'm feeling a lot better than 6 weeks ago...and surprisingly, even 1 week ago...and she'll probably be back again at some stage...I'm more confident of that now..." - There has definitely been a slight shift in tone and mood this week buddy.

 

"I had a real feeling tonight and when I got home that I need to continue to let go and just trust that the Universe is going to do whatever it deems is the right thing." - Way to go.. that's the best outlook to have from here on in.

 

I told the Pain Monster to take a long walk off a short pier

 

You thread is bringing so much to many people here and we are all so grateful (that is on my grateful list!)

 

Have a great day. Let's see that tomorrow brings

 

S x

[reinventmyself]

And when she sent me that first text on Jan 1st my response was straight out of his play book....It still didn't feel exactly right in my gut, but that is good. It means you are making some big changes...

 

I cringe having to say to this, but I will. . .because I follow your journal and I think you are pretty special, Carus.

The thought of you being disappointed again hurts too much to mention.

 

But, in the spirit of being protective, is it possible she might be thinking enough time has passed that you two can be friends and nothing more?

Especially in light of your upbeat tone, which is a mixture of genuine excitement and sprinkled with rehearsed things you've read from online dating gurus?

 

She might view the timing and tone as an all clear sign.

Those of us that chose to leave, even really great men would love to have them as our friends.

But assuming we can is rather selfish on our parts. So we resign to keeping a respectful distance.

But if given the green light more than once, maybe there is a chance we can be buddies?

 

That and I don't really think it too much of coincidence she contacted you on NYE.

I think most of us had our finger on the trigger at midnight.

Some of us pulled it, some didn't. It's just that thing we do when we reflect back on the exiting year.

I know I got a couple and sent one too.

Was it right? Probably not. But I can't take it back now. (damn that champagne)

 

I hope I am allllll wrong here and you two reconcile.

Trust me when I tell you that I say all of this out of concern mixed with caution.

 

I hope all goes exactly the way you hope it will, Carus

*Cheering you on.

[Morello]

Sure thing, Carus' journal is a top attraction on this site :)

 

I think you did the right thing, mate. The only thing I would change is say "Are you free tomorrow?" instead of see how you go tomorrow, just because that would be more incisive and elicit a direct answer from her and you kind of let things a bit open there. Not a mistake, I would say, but it allowed her to play the little game of making you wait. Or maybe she'd have done the same, who knows.

 

As long as you don't fall for the trap and message her before she messages you, it's all good.

 

I think each one of us who are trying to get the ex back need to think about the specifics of our situation. You were broken up with in a bit of a harsh way and acted very classy the whole time so I'd do the same as you're doing, let her do 100% of the pursuing. Well, in a way, maybe everyone who was dumped should stick with this strategy. Like showing interest but not making them think you'd be unconditionally ready to take her back.

 

reinventmyself, just saw your post. I think there's always this possibility, that she wants only to be friends. In any case, if his intention is to reattract her, having this meet up as friends and showing her how he's getting over her and feel more confident and stronger than he was when he was with her (I'm assuming this based on his posts), it might click her. Don't you think? He can always accept to be her friend but then limit their interactions to a few meet ups a year but limiting contact and making sure there's enough time and space between them for her to miss him. Like being more acquaintances then friends. Not sure if this is a good idea or not though. He'll be the best judge of that.

 

She may think being his friend is all she wants now, but remember, people's feelings change all the time. On one hand I don't hink Carus should wait for this to happen in case she offers friendship, and he's showing proof that he's slowly moving on with his life regardless of the outcome of this. One another, if what he truly wants is to be together with her, maybe they can fall in love again, if previous love is not there anymore.

 

It looks like he still has feelings for her but he is somehow way more deattached of the outcome. This is the only situation I think having a low-profile friendship can actually lead to reigniting love. If he thinks his emotions are still too high for that, than I think it's a bad idea.

[Imho]

Actually, I'm just sitting here doing some business bookwork and looking around at my apartment. I'm gonna give myself a proud moment....

 

When I left our home I basically left her with everything....And I've had to rebuild from scratch....

 

I bought a fridge. I bought pots, pans, knives, forks, bowls and plates...I literally had nothin'...!

 

But....I'm doing it*

 

C*

 

Yes, you are and you will continue doing it!

[Morello]

reinventmyself, just saw your post. I think there's always this possibility, that she wants only to be friends. In any case, if his intention is to reattract her, having this meet up as friends and showing her how he's getting over her and feel more confident and stronger than he was when he was with her (I'm assuming this based on his posts), it might click her. Don't you think? He can always accept to be her friend but then limit their interactions to a few meet ups a year but limiting contact and making sure there's enough time and space between them for her to miss him. Like being more acquaintances then friends. Not sure if this is a good idea or not though. He'll be the best judge of that.

 

She may think being his friend is all she wants now, but remember, people's feelings change all the time. On one hand I don't hink Carus should wait for this to happen in case she offers friendship, and he's showing proof that he's slowly moving on with his life regardless of the outcome of this. One another, if what he truly wants is to be together with her, maybe they can fall in love again, if previous love is not there anymore.

 

It looks like he still has feelings for her but he is somehow way more deattached of the outcome. This is the only situation I think having a low-profile friendship can actually lead to reigniting love. If he thinks his emotions are still too high for that, than I think it's a bad idea.

 

Sorry, I gave it a second thought and I think being friends with the ex while having ANY feelings or willingness to get back together is a bad idea. So yeah, if she's looking into only being friends it's probably a "nice talking to you, get in touch if you change your mind" kind of thing.

[Carus]

Thanks everyone. Glad my thread is entertaining and informative.

 

Reinvent brings up a very valid point and Morello has a similar train of thought to me. Friends or not, this first meeting has to happen. Reconciliation can not happen without some interaction.

 

And it looks like we're on for today

 

Sorry Morello, I did actually send 'Any luck? *' earlier this morning but she said she's up for it at 11am... I told her to come to me.

 

This first meeting will just be about hanging out and having fun with her....not sure about the hooking up part. Opinion is divided on that but if it comes up l will do my hardest to say something like "As much as I would love that, I don't think now's the right time.."...although Brad Browning and CW would disagree

 

They reckon it's different for a girl trying to get a guy back v a guy trying to get a girl back....

 

After this yes, she will have to do 100% of the pursuing for at least the next 2 times....or she'll be gone for good.

 

As far as 'friends' goes, Craig Kenneth had a great approach in one of his videos. He said "Sure, we'll be friends. We won't hang out and you'll never see me, but we'll be the BEST of friends.."...lol

 

Anyway, I'll update after the beach. I'm enjoying this journal too. It will be a little sad when it comes to an end....

 

But like all great books. It will one day....

 

Love to All

Carus*

[Morello]

As far as 'friends' goes, Craig Kenneth had a great approach in one of his videos. He said "Sure, we'll be friends. We won't hang out and you'll never see me, but we'll be the BEST of friends.."...lol

Carus*

 

I totally agree with this. This is actually deciding NOT to be friends with her, but avoiding the emotional "sorry, I can't be friends with you because I have feelings" that kind of sound like coming from someone who still has very strong feelings for the ex and not emotional enough self-control.

 

It's similar to when someone breaks up with you using the "let's be friends" card but then completely remove you from their lives. Happened to me.

 

Good luck!

[SweetGirl28]

Carus!! Good luck!! Have my fingers and toes crossed for you, lol

Can't wait to hear how it goes, Mr. buff beach man!!

I hope it's all you want to be, plus more!

((((Hugs))))

[Carus]

I'm back...Update coming....>>

[Carus]

Thanks everyone*

I hope it's all you want to be, plus more!

Dear SweetGirl* ~ I hope you know how much I appreciate your input on my thread*

 

It was all I wanted it to be, but perhaps a little less....I'll give a summary and then the Pros and Cons and see what you all think...:

 

So we met at the cafe outside my building. She was wearing a bikini and sarong. She came up and hugged me. I held her and she melted into me.

 

We walked the 500 metres to the beach...She seemed a little tense or angry perhaps, but said she was stressing out about work and things....I'm sure her own emotions were running fairly high....

 

She said "Since you live around here now perhaps you can look after (our dog)". She has always blamed me for us keeping that dog coz he's a bit out of control and aggressive, but it was HER dog that she didn't have fixed who got pregnant...!

 

I said "Hey. Hey!"...She said "Well he IS your dog"....I said "Yeah well you kicked me out of the house.."....She didn't have a reply for that....

 

We got onto the beach. It was beautiful and basically empty. She loved it and said she's never been in this area before...

 

We laid on our towels. She was very stand offish as in didn't initiate any physical touching. But didn't seem to mind me touching her here and there and I got her to rub sun screen on my back.

 

We just chatted about general stuff. We then went for a run together to the other end of the beach and back. She said "I don't think I've ever seen you run!" ...I was never big into walking great distances...I said that I'm in training for the coming big surf...I reminded her of that big day we shared on the south coast...

 

When we got back to the towels she laid down and I hit the water. I swam out to the rocks, climbed up them, jumped off and swam back in. As I walked out of the water she was watching me....

 

We talked a bit more. She is learning guitar which I play. I gave her a couple of pointers and teased her a little bit about how cute it is thinking about her playing guitar and singing....The mood was a lot lighter by now and I had her laughing a bit....

 

We then both went in the water. When we came out she had lost an earring so we walked back along the beach looking for it....She said her girl friend had bought her the earrings from India...She has always wanted to go to India....

I told her that is why I'm going up to Bali, to go to a 2 day seminar by one of the Indian spiritual leaders...

 

She said "Since when have you ever been into that spirtual stuff??"

 

I just said "A lot of things have changed for me N".....

 

We didn't find the earring and when we got back we went for one more quick swim then gathered our stuff and walked back to her car....

 

I told her I had a meeting with my new business partner about an idea we are working on. She asked what it was but I said "I won't tell you right now, we've only just come up with the idea"

 

She asked if I worked New Years and did I have a good xmas. I said xmas was rough because I missed her and my car broke down...

She said "I'm glad you're happy and doing well".

 

I said "I'm doing ok. How bout you?"

She said "Yeh I'm happy enough"...It was a little sheepish....

 

When we got to her car she hugged me again...I reached down and patted her bum like I used to....

 

She said "Good luck" and that was it.....

 

My pain level is sitting around 2-3 out of 10....She is so gorgeous and I miss her terribly....

===================================================================================================================

 

So as far as first meetings go, if you were to go by the books and theories, it went pretty well....I'd probably give it a 7/10.

 

But I can see that she has no intentions of rekindling things at this point, and that hurts....but I've been wrong before....I feel it was a good, fun, light hearted break from her day to day grind of work and kids...Her youngest boy is really starting to go off the rails unfortunately....So she will go away now and process her feelings....

 

So here is some Pros and Cons for your thoughts and input:

 

Pros:

We met up.

She was tense at first but relaxed up as we went along.

I made her laugh here and there.

It was at a new spot we'd never been together before.

Neither of us brought up the relationship or breakup.

She didn't really initiate any touching but didn't seem to mind me touching her here and there, stroking her back and arm etc...

She noticed the changes in me.

She hugged me at the start and the end.

 

Cons:

She had no interest in flirting.

I can tell she is still quite emotional about what has happened. She has quite a lot of self loathing and feels bad about a lot of things.

I can tell she has no interest in rekindling things.

She is taking care of her self, learning new hobbies and is doing what she can to move on.

Yes she cares about me but that's about it.

We did not organize to see each other again.

She said "Good luck" when she left.

=====================================================================================================

 

I'll leave it there for now....I guess there could be two ways of looking at it...Positive or Negative...Closure for her..?

 

This will set me back a couple of small paces emotionally, I miss her so much, but I will now return to NC and continue with my healing....

 

And we'll see what comes. I doubt I will hear from her for some time now....if ever....we'll see....

 

Big Thanks Again

Carus*

[sputnik123]

Dearest Carus,

 

I am so proud of you for meeting up with her.

 

There is indeed alot to process right now.

 

Just on my way to the office and have a busy day ahead.

 

I will get back to you fully upon my return home. I will also update my journal!

 

Thinking of you today my friend.

 

S x

[Carus]

Thankyou Sputnik....*

 

I forgot to mention, she's still wearing her wedding ring on her middle finger

[Morello]

Hi Carus

 

I think you can see this as a great outcome. Unrelated to whether she is going to go back to you or not, it seems you were under control and left a really good impression. You did your part really well but sometimes it's not enough. Future will tell. But this probably gives you a good feeling about it.

 

I think the good luck in the end was a bit harsh. Kind of shows she's not interested in rekindling at this stage. But people's feelings change and your behaviour today can probably be a fuel of that change in the future. It's obviously much more likely that she will have a change of heart in the future now that you had this light hearted encounter.

 

The challenge for you now is to stop interpreting what she said/didn't say and just assume this was the closure you and her needed. It's the full stop. If anything will happen between the two of you, it will be a completely new chapter. I think you two did a great job in closing the old chapter with class.

 

Just keep doing whatever you're doing in terms of moving on, because we can all see it's working.

[Carus]

Thanks for your thoughts Morello*

I think you can see this as a great outcome. Unrelated to whether she is going to go back to you or not, it seems you were under control and left a really good impression. You did your part really well but sometimes it's not enough. Future will tell. But this probably gives you a good feeling about it.

Yes, it does add to the overall feeling I've had all along that I 'did what I could...I gave 110%".....

 

But you are right. Sometimes that just isn't enough...which is just sad. Why a beautiful relationship cannot be when there's so many crappy ones out there

 

I just had lunch at the cafe and I was sitting there thinking, I know what's going on here. Yes she loves me. Yes she adores me...But the problem is, she has a very low self worth...

 

As she said to our mutual friend the other day on the phone, "I just can't give him what he wants and I can't fake my feelings"....She is referring to exactly that^

 

She lost herself in our relationship and I think she is happy to be single and find that again.

 

Which to my ego is stupid and unfair....We all know she CAN give me what I want because I don't expect anything from her....But it is what it is I guess*

I think the good luck in the end was a bit harsh. Kind of shows she's not interested in rekindling at this stage. But people's feelings change and your behaviour today can probably be a fuel of that change in the future. It's obviously much more likely that she will have a change of heart in the future now that you had this light hearted encounter.

Thankyou....I agree....Only the Universe will know and decide the outcome here. I really don't think there's anything more I can do except like you say, keep doing what I've been doing....

 

Yeh, "Good Luck" was a little final maybe, but she has said that and 'Take Care' numerous times since the split back in September so.... ;-/

 

While I was having lunch I looked out over the ocean and thought "Well, out of all my relationships, this was definitely the closest I got to ever getting one back..."

 

I guess that shows learning and progress.....

 

Let's remind ourselves too that the purpose of these first meetups is NOT to try and rekindle the relationship straight away*

 

We'll see what some of the other's have got to say...and SweetGirls gut feeling...gotta trust that women's intuition!

 

Thanks Again...and thaks everyone for your help with this*

Carus*

[Morello]

My last bits:

 

If you're right about her, and she's feeling like she's not capable of giving you what you want/need, then chances are the break up at this point was for the better. Maybe the time alone will give her what she needs to go back to a relationship with you, a healthier one. Perhaps the only way for her to dicover that she is good enough for you is having time alone.

 

Think about one thing: after the break up, you both started making changes to your lives that are making you better versions of yourselves. So you can rest assured that would the universe give your relationship another chance, it would (and hopefully will) be a much better relationship than it was before.

 

All the best, mate, stay strong. Time is your best friend now.

[SweetGirl28]

Reading this, my feelings are mixed.

 

The part that stood out to me was about your dog, and you saying to her that she kicked you out.

That most likely stirred a little caution and bad feelings on her part. But hey, truth is truth, right?

 

So a woman who doesn't want to be around you will not agree to meet, much less not pull back

when you touch her. It's an automatic response to pull away when it isn't welcomed. Which she

didn't do.

 

The first meet up is hard, and you handled it well. You have made a new memory. New place,

new advancements in life for you both, and didn't get into an argument or break down emotionally.

These are good signs.

 

Now onto my gut, lol-----still not feeling this will be completely done.

I do, however, feel it's going to take great strength(which you have) to not chase her after this.

And while I don't feel this is going to be immediate, I do think she's going to warm up to you again

and want to see you again. Reason being I feel she isn't ready, and you said her self worth is low.

This is what the hinderance is here. I feel without you, she feels empowered, while when with you,

she felt lost. So how can that be changed and how can she evolve and be complete , not losing herself,

even when with you? It's up to her to change that and decide. What are the things she feels she can't give

you, that she feels you need? While you don't agree with her, whatever she feels is strong enough to keep

her from trying, and I'm feeling it goes back to her own self worth.

 

The wedding ring would be off completely if you did not hold a special place within her.

 

I blocked my ex, he figured it out, contacted with a different number, as I knew he would.

It was at 9pm, I got back to him the next day, he's being cold now. I know him, he's thinking I

was with a guy and ignored him. Ego!!! He dumped me!!! Lol. Well anyway, onto blocking that

number too. I have a point, lol, which is there's a difference between mine, who is playing games,

and yours, who is feeling ambiguous . Trust me when I tell you after this meetup, she will be thinking

about you. She will feel and have to process emotions that will arise within her, just as you will.

I know I don't have to tell you to keep moving forward and living life, you are doing a great job with that.

 

I want you to remember this---just because she wasn't flirty doesn't mean she didn't want to be.

We are known to keep ourselves from acting in that manner when we aren't certain where we stand,

or what we want. But you know her best. If you feel she doesn't want to rekindle, then you are most

likely correct. Go with what you feel, not me! Lol I'm just pointing out that as women we can change

our minds from day to day sometimes. Especially when emotions still run high, as is the case with her.

 

Sorry I wrote a novel, geez. I talk a lot in real life, you'd never know that, would you??? Hahaha

 

Hang in there! Only time will tell what the future holds.

[Carus]

Brought this over from another thread as it really seems to resonate with my current situation:

If you see her its going to hurt you. You are going to feel good for about 5 seconds then have 5 months of pain, questions, and its going to bother you. Let me see if I can help

It takes two to make things work. If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then its not going to happen. I cant tell you the future and I don't want to give you false hope, but if it was meant to be then it will be. She is the one that has to decide you are the one for her. That means she might have to date other guys. She will probably fall in love with a few guys but its up to her. She might come back or she might not, no one knows but you can not wait around for her. So as Sputnik said, moving forward is the only way to go. Work on your rehab and make you happy. Place yourself in a position that if she ever decides to return, you can have the option of saying okay or no thank you, my life is good.

 

You don't need your X to make you happy. As you see the sun rises and sets without her in your life. You will be okay if you let her go.

[Carus]

Firstly, my Dear SweetGirl*

The part that stood out to me was about your dog, and you saying to her that she kicked you out.

That most likely stirred a little caution and bad feelings on her part. But hey, truth is truth, right?

She's brought that up a few times since she set about sabotaging our marriage.....

 

Yes it's the truth, but also if she had of had HER dog sterilized originally, it would never have gotten pregnant in the first place!

So a woman who doesn't want to be around you will not agree to meet, much less not pull back

when you touch her. It's an automatic response to pull away when it isn't welcomed. Which she didn't do.

Yes I agree. It shows she feels safe and comfortable around me...

 

Despite that though I still get an overwhelming feeling that she was alleviating guilt and gaining closure today....

 

Unfortunately when it comes to breakups, because of all my previous EXperiences, my brain defaults to that negative narrative....Which sux because I'm so very positive when it comes to everything else!

 

Part of my plan going forward is to keep trying to instantly switch that around....

 

And using this^ as an example:

Thought She was alleviating guilt and gaining closure so she can now move on knowing I'm ok.

Counter Thought She still holds a lot of love for me and is still struggling to let go.

 

Rinse and Repeat*

The first meet up is hard, and you handled it well. You have made a new memory. New place,

new advancements in life for you both, and didn't get into an argument or break down emotionally.

These are good signs.

Thankyou...Again, great positive spin...Whatever the outcome, this^ is all true*

Now onto my gut, lol-----still not feeling this will be completely done.

Goddammit....lol

I do, however, feel it's going to take great strength(which you have) to not chase her after this.

Roger that....I have this one covered...I've already done 6 weeks of HARD pain in NC, so I don't see that changing....

 

Also I still firmly believe you should not chase someone who has rejected you nor has little to no interest in making it work....

And while I don't feel this is going to be immediate, I do think she's going to warm up to you again

and want to see you again.

I'm not going to resist this anymore...I'm going to agree, also because everybody but me says the same thing....I will try and center on "I don't know"....

Reason being I feel she isn't ready, and you said her self worth is low.

This is what the hinderance is here. I feel without you, she feels empowered, while when with you,

she felt lost. So how can that be changed and how can she evolve and be complete , not losing herself,

even when with you? It's up to her to change that and decide. What are the things she feels she can't give

you, that she feels you need? While you don't agree with her, whatever she feels is strong enough to keep

her from trying, and I'm feeling it goes back to her own self worth.

I'm glad to see you've picked up on that....

 

It's sad, ridiculous, and unfortunate, but it is what it is....She really lost herself in our relationship by trying to do too much to be the perfect wife....Not realising what was really going on, I went along with it thinking "Oh this girl is so amazing. I've never had anyone love me like this before etc..."

 

And now I am paying the price....

 

Again, it's sad and confusing that so much love between two people is actually the cause of the breakup...We all want to feel safe and loved right..??

The wedding ring would be off completely if you did not hold a special place within her.

Yes I was quite surprised when I saw that....even though it's now on her middle finger!

 

When she grabbed my hand and I saw it, no words were spoken but I played with it for a second and kinda just said 'Huh'.....

I have a point, lol, which is there's a difference between mine, who is playing games,

and yours, who is feeling ambiguous . Trust me when I tell you after this meetup, she will be thinking

about you. She will feel and have to process emotions that will arise within her, just as you will.

I know I don't have to tell you to keep moving forward and living life, you are doing a great job with that.

Thankyou, yes I agree...She will go back to trying to move on and she will be determined....

 

Thought And she will move on and be fine.

Counter Thought And maybe she won't....

 

I want you to remember this---just because she wasn't flirty doesn't mean she didn't want to be.

We are known to keep ourselves from acting in that manner when we aren't certain where we stand,

or what we want.

So great to get the different male and female perspective on things....

 

I was a little dejected on that point so thankyou for bringing it out x

If you feel she doesn't want to rekindle, then you are most

likely correct. Go with what you feel, not me! Lol I'm just pointing out that as women we can change

our minds from day to day sometimes. Especially when emotions still run high, as is the case with her.

Yep. I think that is how she feels............in this moment....

 

It could change in time, but in the meantime I need to refocus on my path and my healing*

Sorry I wrote a novel, geez. I talk a lot in real life, you'd never know that, would you??? Hahaha

I so appreciate the time you take to write all that you do on my thread (and others). You are truly gorgeous and giving*

 

K, quick journal before sleep:

 

Journal ~ The Shaman Was Right!

 

As I've mentioned, I have (or 'had'

 

But I KNOW this woman has a special gift...there is definitely something there...And her husband of 13 years agrees! He used to not believe it but he sure does now! lol

They are both such nice people.....

 

There were things that she said that I knew to be true, because they had already happened...But when it came to future forecasting I struggled to fully believe it...

 

But almost everything she had said has actually come true in the 2 weeks since that session!

 

She said:

1) I was on the brink of getting angry...

2) My loved one was going to contact me.

3) My loved one is going to go through a really, really, really tough time...

4) I was not to go there because I was not healed enough yet...

 

and 5) She said 'You don't want to see what you can see'......

 

I didn't really know what she meant by that but now I do....

 

I have now seen just how heavy and difficult my loved one's life is becoming since I am not there.....and it hurts me deeply.

 

She is stressed to the hilt with work and the youngest boy, who is in second year high school this year, is going off the rails....and this again hurts me deeply.

 

The type of man I am, I am depressed by the futility of not being able to be there or do anything for these people that for 6 years I considered to be 'my family'.....and it hurts me deeply.

 

So the only other 2 things the Shaman said that have not come to pass yet because it's a bit further out is: "There was something significant about March, and in 4-6 months my loved one is going to try and come back and fix things...coz that's what she does. Once she realises her mistakes she always tries to go back and fix it. (and that is quite true about her). The Universe is giving me 6 months to get healed."

 

So we never know but after everything else....I'm going to have to leave it open....

 

I basically cried on and off for the next 4-6 hours....It was like doing the last 6 weeks in a condensed fast forward....

 

One minute I was sobbing, next minute I was suicidal, then angry, then sobbing again, then feeling positive, then depressed again....the visions and the memories were flashing on, then off, then on again.....Truly an incredible and interesting experience...!

 

So I am weary. I am numb. And after today I feel I have done ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING 110% to salvage this marriage...and for now, I cannot do anymore....

 

I will continue to do my best to let go...To try and kill off the love I still have for her...To turn off the memories...To turn negative narrative into positive....

 

Overall a breakup coach would give me an A+ for today, (and he probably will *wink*) but it has also shown me where I am at in my healing process....

 

All the training. All the coaching and books and strategies....There is nothing more I can do. It is up to the Universe now to decide the next move*

 

I have taken a sleeper tonight. I am expecting the dreams will come and the morning will be rough....I have a session with my psyche tomorrow morning though so I am looking forward to that.

 

Peace

Carus*

[sputnik123]

Dearest Carus,

 

Well well well... where to begin?

 

Firstly, I think it took a great deal of courage to open yourself up like that and meet with her, not knowing what fate would become you.

 

You have displayed your usual charm, humour, grace and dignity all the way through.

 

To be honest, looking at it purely from what I believe you wish to be the final outcome (proper reconciliation), I am really unsure. I don't think anyone can know with any certainty at this stage, but I do know that the next "move"/ contact HAS to come from her now.

 

If there is nothing to come from her direction again (highly unlikely), then there is nothing left, and that was simply a very nice goodbye. However, if the last few months have shown you over and over again, that would not mean the end of the world and would definitely be her loss.

 

Overall, there are probably more negatives than positives from the meeting, strictly from the viewpoint of getting back together. However, I am totally sure she knows how you feel, so there is nothing more you can do (with her) at this point. You have come so far on this journey and you are unbelievably strong with everything you have done to date.

 

I really don't get the "Good luck" final comment, it's abit dispiriting if you ask me.. (I know it's been semi-explained, but it reminds me of Taken! lol)

 

I love SweetGirl's positive take on it all.. would love to have her in my corner fighting my battles with me :) That being said, it is clear that there is so much to be positive about. You really need to keep this at the forefront of your mind. She met up with you after all.. after this time, that is so much more than most people get.

The primary reason for the positivity though must be that YOU have come through everything thrown at you and retained the true essence of who Carus is. A wonderful man.

 

Morello's posts on your situation make alot of sense too buddy. You have so much to be proud of yourself for.

 

The way you talk about your love and affection for your ex and her children is beautiful. The way you treated her sons, despite being estranged with their mum. I know this pain deeply.. I'm 37 and have lost 4 "step children" from my life already from 2 failed relationships (I have barely spoken with 2 of them since and the other 2, nothing).

 

I think at this stage you could probably rule out anything going on with her and another man (although you are strong enough to deal with it anyway). She seems to be

focusing on trying to get through this all for herself, for reasons I do not know. What I do believe though is that children living with you give you the strength not to reach out sometimes (every time I look at my son, it reminds me of my primary purpose in life, not someone who let me down). Even if her boys dote on you, something is holding her back for now. I can't comment on that myself. If I could work out the female mind, I may not be on this forum! J.K :)

 

I truly believe you have done all you can for now. Surely you can find much solace and fortitude from that

 

Salvation lies from within, not from other people, not matter how strong the love.

 

You will have an emotional rollercoaster for the next few weeks for sure. Let it all out, whenever you need to.

 

We are in this this together with you and praying for your ultimate happiness. It will come.

 

For now, get some sleep my friend.

 

Tomorrow, we will carry on this fight.

 

S x

[dave4443]

Well done! you handled the meeting great. I hope it goes in the right direction but try and be careful as well I had a similar meeting one time which led to more, but didn't lead to what I wanted even though it seemed that it was happening, but I guess I didn't handle the subsequent meetings as well because I could feel myself slipping into the pattern I and you had been in previously and i got sick of it and gave an ultimatum.

 

I hope it works out the way you want just want you to be careful and not slip back too much!

[pippy longstocking]

Hiya darling , well firstly well done on your meet up .... honest , I am frightened for you so I have stayed away ....I don't want to be to negative nancy on your beautiful writings ...but it is what dave said ... I have also seen many have meet ups and well we all know this could either way ....so I am rooting for you more then you can know , but want you to keep your head ....which you seem to be doing xx I am following with a ray of hope an ounce of love and a touch of magik