mynameisneo Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 Also, getting the thread back on track as not to hijack: best of luck this weekend Carus!! Stay busy, enjoy life and be really good to yourself! You know what to do, continue to do it, it's already paying off. Link to comment
Carus Posted December 16, 2017 Author Share Posted December 16, 2017 I'm so grateful for everyone that's keeping an eye on me* Hang in there Carus. Though it may not feel like it, you ARE doing making progress You are so right RIM* It doesn't feel like it...but if you say so, and others around me say so (which they do), then I will do my best to believe it* Pain level is about 3 today. Since having to move out of my home I have gotten rid of SO much stuff. At least half of what I had is gone. Some of it went to charity shops so hopefully someone will have a nice xmas on me :) And I've sold off the rest to try and recuperate some of the money this crappy situation has cost me. I still have a lot more stuff to sort through and throw out but it's freeing to create my new space as I have no idea what my future holds now. It's truly horrible. One minute you have your beautiful wife and family and you are forging a good life for everyone.... Next minute your staring into the abyss using every available tool to survive. But our survival instinct is indeed quite strong. There are many people out there who are in a much worse spot than me and somehow they manage to get through...and so must I. As Sputnik mentioned, sometimes I feel like a broken record on repeat and sometimes I feel like I'm burdening people. I'm making a conscious effort to not talk to people in general about what I'm going through. I mean, I have to try and move away from it myself.... But we need to have some time to talk about it and journal our thoughts as part of the process...this forum is invaluable* So although I'm in a world of pain and confusion, please know that I'm doing what l can to push through. I miss her beyond words...beyond breath* Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 Hi Carus, 3/10 is not too shabby buddy.. it's a work in progress as you know! "It's truly horrible. One minute you have your beautiful wife and family and you are forging a good life for everyone.... Next minute your staring into the abyss using every available tool to survive". - I was there 3 years ago and it's terrible. I then move on from this, find someone else and the break-up from the new one feels a whole lot worse and I don't know why. Please remember we are all here to support you.. no matter how long it takes. This forum is indeed, invaluable. We all know you are doing what you need to, to get through this.. very proud of you. Pain and confusion sums it up, but add hope too. hope for you, and hope for the future. "I miss her beyond words...beyond breath*" - 29 days ago, the pain of the betrayal, once it became apparent, literally took my breath away. I hope you have a great weekend buddy.. p.s, I won't mention the cricket!!! Link to comment
Carus Posted December 16, 2017 Author Share Posted December 16, 2017 Thanks Sputnik, you can mention the cricket mate, I'm not a huge fan...but I was hanging out with Ian Botham the other night ;-) Journal ~ Pain but no tears* Mornings still hard. Pain was up around 3-4 today, I think brought on by seeing my stepkids last night, but I stand firm that it was the right thing to do. I did some gym and treated myself to a nice breakfast. As the day went on the pain resumed it's normal Level 2...However, today was the 3rd day in 4 weeks that I haven't cried... I can already feel it seeping back in again so I'm sure tomorrow will see some more of that....but that's ok... I'm starting to not talk to people about my breakup and I'm having moments of not thinking about her at all....I am constantly practicing thought stopping to help stop me sliding into depressive dwellings...The memories and visions of her are still in my eyes like a film that won't stop, but the projector is starting to run out of power now. This is both good, and sad....She really is leaving my world forever now....It was really a wonderful relationship and I think we both grew a lot in it....I will love her and miss her for a long time to come.... I hope everyone is doing what needs to be done* Carus* Link to comment
Carus Posted December 16, 2017 Author Share Posted December 16, 2017 Something else I've found is helping me is to just focus on getting through the next half an hour... By bringing that focus closer, it gives me more of a sense of 'I'm gonna make it'....I recommend trying this.... Kind of like "What am I going to do in the next half an hour?" or "What can I do to treat myself in the next half an hour?"..... Just take it 1/2 hour by 1/2 hour....Soon that becomes an hour, becomes hours, becomes days etc...(actually I may have mentioned this before but hey, my brain is very clouded in these dark days).... I also found a LOT of comfort in this short 7 min video: Now whether or not that^ rings true, it does remind me that I was a good man who did all he could* C* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 Hey Carus, After today's debacle I won't be mentioning the cricket ever again! lol. Would love to have a beer with Botham though.. you lucky thing! Well done on another tear-free day buddy! You are a real star for taking your step-son out.. It was a lovely thing to do. "I'm starting to not talk to people about my breakup and I'm having moments of not thinking about her at all....I am constantly practicing thought stopping to help stop me - sliding into depressive dwellings...The memories and visions of her are still in my eyes like a film that won't stop, but the projector is starting to run out of power now" - DITTO, we are in the same spot on this. "This is both good, and sad....She really is leaving my world forever now....It was really a wonderful relationship and I think we both grew a lot in it....I will love her and miss her for a long time to come".. - and she will love you and miss you for a long time to come too. Be sure of that. She has left "your" world, for now..who knows what the future holds. Just be ready, for whatever it may be :) I am looking at things mainly on a day by day basis, knowing that come what may, I will not make contact, thus making my life a little bit easier (through the pain) and making me a little more back to me. Thanks for the YouTube link.. which I watched. I 100% think that does apply to you and anyone your ex entertains after you will Pale in comparison. THAT IS HER LOSS! I hope you get some rest buddy and have a lovely Sunday. Yours. Link to comment
Carus Posted December 17, 2017 Author Share Posted December 17, 2017 - and she will love you and miss you for a long time to come too. Be sure of that. She has left "your" world, for now..who knows what the future holds. Just be ready, for whatever it may be. Thanks for the YouTube link.. which I watched. I 100% think that does apply to you and anyone your ex entertains after you will Pale in comparison. THAT IS HER LOSS! Thanks Sputnik...I gotta love your optimism...lol She may come to regret it one day....or not. Journal ~ Long Days* Finally home after a very long day.... This morning the Pain Monster was ravish-ling hungry and hit me with a good 5....the first meltdown came and went. I finally forced myself back in the pool today and scraped through 20 laps...I used to do 50 but that was back in the days when I was so happy...I'll have to work my way back up to that....Tried to do some meditation but thoughts kept sweeping back to her...More practice is needed.... Got to work but a couple of hours in the memories and visions of her came on strong and meltdown number 2 did too.... The good thing is that I do seem to pull up ok after these sob sessions.... I'm not ashamed to write about it here...I'm a strong Man but the grief is overwhelming and needs to be squeezed out...It will ease up eventually I'm sure... So I picked myself up again and got through the rest of my shift....It's 3am now.... ;-/ So to finish on a positive, both my business's are humming along like a well oiled train...Very grateful for that... And I've been looking at some dating sites just to try and kill off my oneitis....I'm looking towards Indonesia. I go up there often and speak the language so I might try and find a girl who actually appreciates a good man.... In talking to a friend of mine today I was saying how I think I got gaslighted in my marriage and that has caused me a lot of psychological damage. It seems that she questioned everything about me and it was always me that was in the wrong....and stoopid me tried to always accommodate that due to my Nice Guy Syndrome. This makes you start to really believe that you are flawed and some sort of abnormal bad guy....I changed so much.... Change is ok but goddammit, there also has to be a limit....At the core I am a good man and one day some other girl will come to see that and appreciate me for who I am... It still doesn't make much sense to me why I keep getting dumped for loving and supporting someone too much...I mean, is that such a crime...? I'm starting to have tiny, tiny glimpses of the Anger associated with the grieving process....I think this is good because I don't get angry enough, and I think I need to harness a little bit of that to get out of this dark place.... I get to see my counselor tomorrow and I look forward to that. OK guys, all for now....Hope you are all working on thought stopping and bettering your lives* Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 17, 2017 Share Posted December 17, 2017 Hey Carus, Sorry to hear about the cr@ppy Sunday.. You DO have to let the grief out though, for sure. Good news about the swimming though! Meditation is something I have not tried in my 37 years, many people rave about it though. I may look into it... Fantastic about the businesses too.. there are many strings to your bow "In talking to a friend of mine today I was saying how I think I got gaslighted in my marriage and that has caused me a lot of psychological damage. It seems that she questioned everything about me and it was always me that was in the wrong....and stoopid me tried to always accommodate that due to my Nice Guy Syndrome. This makes you start to really believe that you are flawed and some sort of abnormal bad guy....I changed so much...." - WE ARE SINGING FROM THE SAME HYMN SHEET HERE BUDDY.. I almost found myself apologising for being cheated on? W-T-A-H "At the core I am a good man and one day some other girl will come to see that and appreciate me for who I am..." - Absolutely anyone can see that..and that it will happen! "It still doesn't make much sense to me why I keep getting dumped for loving and supporting someone too much...I mean, is that such a crime...?" - - It's a mystery to me mate.. I have no answers to this, except that sometimes people drift apart from us.. the more we try, the further they drift... Use this anger as your new friend at this time.. it will help you harness even more strength and resolve. I hope tomorrow is better and the monster has a sabbatical Link to comment
Carus Posted December 18, 2017 Author Share Posted December 18, 2017 Thanks again for the support* I almost found myself apologising for being cheated on? W-T-A-H Yeh, unrequited love makes us do crazy stuff huh...! Journal ~ Tests From Above* Usual morning...Me and Pain Monster had breakfast on the balcony.... I was really looking forward to seeing my counselor today and it was really great...It gave me that opportunity to cry and talk about stuff....This session propelled me into a better day...* A beautiful friendgirl who has been with me all through this came over and we went for lunch....She is so good to talk to and understands where I'm at. During work the Universe threw me a big test...I got a FB msg from a mutual friend saying that my ex had posted on her wall that her mother had been involved in a bad car accident..! She is ok but the car was a write off....My ex also mentioned in that post that she is exhausted... My friend said she didn't really know if I had seen that or if she should have told me but just wanted me to know.... *sigh*....I looked up at the night sky and just said to the Universe "You're really just trying it on aren't ya!!"..... So of course I had to decide if I should send a text just saying that I had heard about the accident and glad that her mum is ok.. I got a good friend on the phone who has been through the same breakup 'training' as me....and after hashing it out we decided it was probably best that I just kept going with NC....Here are the reasons why: 1) I would still be sending that message with an agenda behind it. (ie: I would be hoping for her to do the 180). 2) The mum is ok so nothing to worry about there and this will pass. 3) Thanks to my wifes decisions, they are no longer part of my life and everyone has their day to day problems. 4) She doesn't know that I've seen that post (and probably wouldn't have as I unfollowed her weeks ago) 5) If she wanted to let me know or reach out to me then she would...Her silence says a lot... 6) She wanted life without me so here it is. 7)...and this is the biggie. As you all know I've been struggling with this breakup to the point of insanity. I'm 4 weeks out now and just starting to feel a little better so I need to keep focus and take care of Me...I'm not ready to be interacting with her as it would probably set me back..... So yeh, bad news and a big test for me, but I'm glad the mum is ok. She really loved that I was taking care of her daughter and family so well and we always got on very well. Would like some thoughts on this whether you think I should have sent her a text or not....It's ok if you think I should have. I gave my reasons above and feel ok about the final decision.... Sent an email to a girl who looks and sounds nice on one of the dating sites....We'll see if she responds.... So another day down. Another day closer. Let's see what tomorrow brings.... Much Respect to You All Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 18, 2017 Share Posted December 18, 2017 Hi Carus, I'm sorry, but I do love your way with words - "Usual morning...Me and Pain Monster had breakfast on the balcony...." Also beginning to reach the conclusion that I too need a counsellor and a beautiful friendgirl! If you make your way to my (upcoming) journal post at some point, you will also see that I got "news" from the ex's mother today, albeit for a more mundane reason. I am glad that your ex's mum is ok though.. that is the main thing. Let me categorically offer you my opinion that you absolutely did the right thing by not breaking NC. I too also got on great with my ex's family (better than I did with the ex, if truth be told!), but she is O.K and it's not your primary concern now. Keep the focus on YOUR recovery and move forwards as best possible. No set-backs of your own making.. life throws enough crud our way as it is We will be here every step of the way buddy. Link to comment
Carus Posted December 19, 2017 Author Share Posted December 19, 2017 A mutual friend just called me and said she'd checked in on my ex.... She also said my ex is really missing me but won't contact me because she 'feels' she can't give me what I want....So that's where it's at :( It's upset me a bit but I guess I'll just carry on.... Thoughts? Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 indirect breadcrumbs.. no more, no less, dear Carus. keep it moving and we reach the other side. Link to comment
Piaresssss Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 Agree with Sputnik, just crumbs. Keep pushing on my man, you can get through it and Mac is right, you have so much good in your life. Link to comment
Carus Posted December 19, 2017 Author Share Posted December 19, 2017 Thanks guys. I will push on... Obviously if the mum ended up in hospital or god forbid, died, I'd be there by her side...but everyone is ok and will be ok... My exwifes life has really been going downhill in a lot of ways since she cut me off. She's overworking and drinking to avoid the obvious. It confuses the hell out of me in that if we're both not happy being apart then WHY are we..?? Makes no sense but I guess this is how the the Universe, or God or whatever your persuasion wants it... Yes Mac is very good. I would definitely recommend his videos and coaching service... Ok guys. This has set me back a bit so I will get back up and keep walking.... Talk Soon Carus* Link to comment
Carus Posted December 19, 2017 Author Share Posted December 19, 2017 I've typed out a txt to her 5 times and then deleted it... I feel like throwing up... :( Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 Hi Carus, As an emergency measure, can you not delete any trace of phone number? or do you know it off by heart? Don't send anything. Some days and moments will be very dark.. but you definitely have it in you to come out shining the other end! Stay strong buddy. Link to comment
Carus Posted December 19, 2017 Author Share Posted December 19, 2017 Thankyou so much for your support through a really rough day.... I still have her number but it's ok, and even if I deleted it I could easily get it from someone.... It's 3am and I'm finally home.... I stayed strong and didn't send that text....Hardest thing I've done and I feel like a real barst*d..... Is my ego blinding me here?? I did send the mum a FB message as a compromise...Me and the mum were very close and I'm genuinely glad she's ok.... I'm still not healed yet and I just couldn't remove the 'hope' behind sending that text...The hope that this would somehow turn things around...and that is basically what stopped me sending it....It wouldn't be authentic.... Also, she wanted life without me, so here it is.... It was nice to hear she is missing me, but hard to hear that she is determined to not contact me and move on... :( I reached out to Coach Mac so we'll see what he thinks and we'll see what tomorrow brings..... This really sux :( Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 Always mate! Yes, I think I know my ex-wife's number off by heart from over 3 years ago, so it's not a surprise... Very proud of you for not reaching out directly. "Also, she wanted life without me, so here it is...." - bang on.. she needs to see it long-term. "It was nice to hear she is missing me, but hard to hear that she is determined to not contact me and move on... " - just see it that you are in the same place, albeit heading in different directions! We all love you here buddy.. the strongest soldiers get the hardest battles. Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 I've typed out a txt to her 5 times and then deleted it... I feel like throwing up... :( Ooh, I'm sorry :( Good for you in deleting. You did the right thing. I'm not texting my ex anymore after this past Friday he proposed sex then disappeared again. Gonna dip my fingertips in cement, lol. I can't block him, unfortunately. But I assume he will be quiet, at least until Xmas(I'll ignore it). Her saying she misses you, yet can't give you what you want is a really good reason to not break contact. It would only be a temporary ease for the pain, then might possibly cause even more. Keep trying to heal. You've got this! Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted December 19, 2017 Share Posted December 19, 2017 If it helps to make sense if things, I have ended relationships for different reasons and along with 2nd guessing myself, I missed them terribly. But even with that it didn't translate into wanting to reconcile. I'm sorry Carus. I vote for deleting the number so you're not tempted. You can always find it on your phone bill if you really need it. This way in the time it takes to look it up is the time you can use to talk yourself out of acting impulsively. I immediately delete numbers and feel some relief from the easy access and temptation. It's like trying to refrain from candy while holding it in your hand. Why do that to yourself? Texting is done in an instant. It's hard to be disciplined when there is hardly any time to consider otherwise. This was a test and you passed. That's the good news. Give yourself some credit and know you can handled the next hurdle if it comes your way. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted December 20, 2017 Share Posted December 20, 2017 A mutual friend just called me and said she'd checked in on my ex.... She also said my ex is really missing me but won't contact me because she 'feels' she can't give me what I want....So that's where it's at :( It's upset me a bit but I guess I'll just carry on.... Thoughts? Just carry on as everyone else has said my darling and yep delete that number ! juts dropping a little on you all as I pass by xxxx Link to comment
Carus Posted December 21, 2017 Author Share Posted December 21, 2017 Her saying she misses you, yet can't give you what you want is a really good reason to not break contact. It would only be a temporary ease for the pain, then might possibly cause even more. Keep trying to heal. You've got this! Thankyou...Yes I'd have to agree....It might be a temporary fix and I certainly don't want to go backwards too far...Some days are worse than others (like today), but nothing like those first couple of weeks...! If it helps to make sense if things, I have ended relationships for different reasons and along with 2nd guessing myself, I missed them terribly. But even with that it didn't translate into wanting to reconcile. I'm sorry Carus. Yes I know...As hard as it is to hear that and understand it, it helps me to keep focusing on the reality of what is.... I'm still suffering a lot of denial and shock.... Texting is done in an instant. It's hard to be disciplined when there is hardly any time to consider otherwise. This was a test and you passed. That's the good news. Give yourself some credit and know you can handled the next hurdle if it comes your way. Thankyou for your kind words.. just dropping a little on you all as I pass by xxxx Nice to 'see' you Pip...I've missed you xx Not much to report today....The pain is there and my life is on autopilot... I did manage to get to the pool today and catch up on some business book work.... Hope you are all doing well* Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 Hey Carus, Just wanted to say i'm proud of you for getting through this the way you are. it shines through clearly you are a stand up bloke. I can vouch for the autopilot comment. Remember that this is HER loss and you will come out the other side. This will take time.. you clearly both love each other dearly. You will move on, with this love.. but it doesn't mean it has to be together. Stay strong. I have faith in you. Link to comment
Carus Posted December 21, 2017 Author Share Posted December 21, 2017 Thanks Sputnik, but don't be too proud just yet... I kinda broke NC tonight...kinda.... I reached out to a mutual friend tonight and told her that it is burning me up not being able to 'be there' for my ex because I was her rock and support for 5 years and can't just turn that off... She said that she was going out with my ex tonight to a gig and would give her my love...! She also reminded me that I was the one who had asked for space... *sigh* 4 weeks of NC down the drain in one phone call.....and I feel like total sh*t... So here I am, struggling at work and she's out dancing... This breakup has really devastated me.... But, this is strengthening my resolve to focus on my healing and getting through this... And something else I'll give myself a little leeway with is that I probably wasn't going to hear from my ex for a long time, if ever...so tonight won't really matter in the long term... One day in the future I will stand with you Sputnik and say you are right...this IS her loss...one day.... Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 Hey Carus, Thanks for the update! I don't see you talking to a mutual as strictly breaking NC.. I'm not an expert on such matters, but it's not direct. "4 weeks of NC down the drain in one phone call.....and I feel like total sh*t"... - not down the drain buddy - there has still been 4 weeks of distance and further healing and the feeling you have right now is temporary. Still very proud of you :) Some of the thoughts we are having right now are very similar.. "knowing what she is doing, compared to what I am doing" It is up to us to feel better about what we are doing though, this is the key. We need to live OUR lives, not theirs. They CHOSE to part for now, or forever. It is clear it has devastated you buddy.. i know it's small consolation, but we are all here for you and you are still you (which is a massive positive!) Keep strong sir Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.