sputnik123 Posted December 6, 2017 Share Posted December 6, 2017 I just noticed that was my 100th post! lol Will celebrate the century by watching Home Alone 2 with my son! Sweet dreams Carus, and all! Link to comment
mynameisneo Posted December 6, 2017 Share Posted December 6, 2017 Carus, your experience with the morning pain absolutely mirrors mine. My therapist told me mornings are always worse. Litany of reasons. Your anxiety meds will work wonders here for a while, until you don't need them. I'm glad you're keeping busy and looking at the good things in life. It absolutely helps. Do what feels good. Being good to yourself is incredibly important right now. You matter the most. Not your ex, not anyone else. This is the rock bottom cycle. You are in the pit of suck for a while, but you'll get out. I know you want contact, even in a limited fashion, but right now it's not good for you. At all. You need time to balance emotion with logic. Right now, your emotion is over-riding your logical mind. It's not wrong, it just is what it is. But there is a path to healing and in order for a scab to form over the wound, you need to remove the knife (your ex). Even if for a while. Even if you'll want to re-unite someday, on whatever basis. You need to do that until you no longer feel attachment. I was where you were. I found an enormous amount of strength and discipline that was born from the fact that I didn't want to hurt anymore. And I followed strict NC as much as I could and NC completely for 103 days. I was in acceptance much much faster than most, and when I had to contact my ex for truly extraordinary reasons, I was able to connect with her, talk on the phone, text, and have dinner with her 2 days ago to discuss issues. We ate for 2 hours, and I drove her home, without as much as a blink of attachment from me. She even asked, and I told her that I care for her but I've moved on. She wasn't happy but she understood. That is where you want to be. Life on your terms. You're headed there. This is the tough part. This is where you have to be stronger than the pain. Also, don't buy anything. You'll get much more from YouTube and boards like this than any "specialist" will give you. Save your money and treat yourself to chocolate milk and ice cream. It worked for me. Neo Link to comment
Carus Posted December 7, 2017 Author Share Posted December 7, 2017 Thanks guys....Unfortunately the pain level is back up to a 5 today I am curious, do you live near your ex? Unfortunately yes...bout 5 minutes A good friend of ours is having an art exhibition tomorrow night. We used to love attending these.... She will be there....I really want to go, but I guess I won't.... Even if I was to fake happy whilst there, I think the aftermath would be quite nasty....especially if she turns up with another guy. Do we agree on that...? Carus, your experience with the morning pain absolutely mirrors mine. My therapist told me mornings are always worse. Litany of reasons. Your anxiety meds will work wonders here for a while, until you don't need them. Thanks Neo...God, mornings are the worst...I don't know how much more I can take... The missing her and the kids is slowly killing me.... I'm glad you're keeping busy and looking at the good things in life. It absolutely helps. Do what feels good. Being good to yourself is incredibly important right now. You matter the most. Not your ex, not anyone else. I'm trying buddy...I really am....I'm scared I'm going to be like this 6-10 months from now....and I really don't want that!! This is the rock bottom cycle. You are in the pit of suck for a while, but you'll get out. I know you want contact, even in a limited fashion, but right now it's not good for you. At all. You need time to balance emotion with logic. Right now, your emotion is over-riding your logical mind. It's not wrong, it just is what it is. But there is a path to healing and in order for a scab to form over the wound, you need to remove the knife (your ex). Even if for a while. Even if you'll want to re-unite someday, on whatever basis. You need to do that until you no longer feel attachment. I'm glad to hear you say that.... I'll stick to NC but yeh, but I still truly struggle with the fact that after 5 years married, and then the 3 months of her coming to me all upset, that she can just cut it off like this.... It's traumatising.... I was where you were. I found an enormous amount of strength and discipline that was born from the fact that I didn't want to hurt anymore. And I followed strict NC as much as I could and NC completely for 103 days. I was in acceptance much much faster than most, and when I had to contact my ex for truly extraordinary reasons, I was able to connect with her, talk on the phone, text, and have dinner with her 2 days ago to discuss issues. We ate for 2 hours, and I drove her home, without as much as a blink of attachment from me. She even asked, and I told her that I care for her but I've moved on. She wasn't happy but she understood. Yes, your thread is definitely inspiring...I've looked back over it a couple of times....and I think I will again tonight* Also, don't buy anything. You'll get much more from YouTube and boards like this than any "specialist" will give you. Save your money and treat yourself to chocolate milk and ice cream. It worked for me. I know you're right....I've studied relationships and breakups for 8 years now....I'm already running up $200 phone bills using all my data on YT.... But I guess that's still cheaper than the programs out there.... And sorry bud, I don't do sugar so those things are definitely out for me.... But a good friend has asked me to come to a 'Sound Healing' session next week so that will be nice.... K guys, I hope today mirrors the others and this horrible pain goes down...! Carus* Link to comment
insideoutch Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 Hello Carus... Don't go to the gallery. Don't break NC. You will feel so horrible and the crazy thoughts will swarm your mind. I say this to you because I literally just broke NC with my ex. Not because I wanted to. I REALLY didn't want to contact him because my progress was going so well. Ugh, now I feel so crappy and my mind can't stop thinking that may be he's with another girl right now. Great, the pain is back again. What makes it worst is I can't be mad at him but at myself. I am an idiot. I should've been cold hearted just like him and don't care... I received a flight confirmation from the airline he booked for us prior to our breakup. I remember he cancelled my ticket which I thought is strange so I texted him to notify him of the situation. He wasn't mean...he was being a polite STRANGER...and that truly hurts ten folds. Carus, please don't go. I really don't wish this terrible feeling and pain to fall on you. Insideoutch 20171207/d5ab409dee8e2be46d77361839a46dcb.jpg[/img] Link to comment
Carus Posted December 7, 2017 Author Share Posted December 7, 2017 Thankyou for posting on my thread IO* I'm so sorry you've had that setback... You speak the truth and I take heed. Like I said, even if I was able to fake happy for half an hour then leave, I'm sure it would set me back too... Plus it would destroy any curiosity she may or may not have about me. Her eldest son (my stepson) has stayed in contact with me. Both the boys miss me a lot, especially him. He wants to go to Star Wars with me next week... l feel l need to step up to the plate there because it's the right thing to do. Would you agree...? I can probably see him without having to see her. None of this is their fault... Carus* Link to comment
Carus Posted December 7, 2017 Author Share Posted December 7, 2017 I am still struggling with this. Part of me just thinks 'Stuff her. Don't let her stop you living your life'.. Plus I'm gonna be thinking about it anyway.... But if I want honest opinions then I will be honest with you guys: I can dress up and look a million bucks and wouldn't have to hangout with her. Just exchange pleasantries, look at some art for 20 mins and then quietly slip away. HOWEVER, of course there is that part of me that hopes that might trigger something in her... Perhaps if I could remove that expectation and keep the focus on supporting my friends exhibition it would be ok... At this stage I'm thinking of seeing how I feel at the time tomorrow... Thoughts are welcome. Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 My dear friend Carus, Do yourself a massive favour and skip it. I honestly do not think you are ready. Take care of YOURSELF. Keep moving forward and stay strong Link to comment
Carus Posted December 7, 2017 Author Share Posted December 7, 2017 A massive thanks to those posting and supporting me...and LaHermes who seems to be working away in the background there ;-) Journal ~ Letting Go. I have come to a point again where the determination to let go has become stronger again....Denying reality is the brains way of protecting itself from that which is too painful to deal with at the time. And it is something that I hope will flip over as time goes along.... Therefore I'm not going to buy that program and I won't be going to that exhibition tomorrow night....I need to just. let. go.... I sent my artist friend, who was a big fan of my marriage, a message saying I won't be able to come...He knows why and he understands... So what I will need to do is not stay here at the apartment over those hours....I'm thinking of going down to the strip, treat myself to a nice meal and people watch. Better if I can find someone to go with but I'll go by myself if needs be.... Otherwise I will pace up and down in the apartment beating myself up for NOT being strong enough to go to that exhibition. I have turned away from 'Get Your Ex Back' videos and more towards 'how to heal from this' type videos... Sleep is light and the mornings are still as brutal as ever....But over the day it alleviates... I think this is because during the day, I can get better at controlling my thoughts and pushing aside the memories and visions of her...During sleep the subconscience is still very much attached to her and the life I had with her...I have little control over that... So over time, the subconscience will eventually align itself with the conscience and stop living in a world that is no longer there.... I hope you are all doing what you can to overcome* Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 Hey Carus, You have our full love and support here. Happy to see that you are "letting it go" tomorrow. Would be great to come and grab a meal with you and put the world to rights! i'll get my passport Hopefully the morning isn't too bad for you and you have a great day! You just keeping looking after the controllables (YOU) and let the world take care of the other stuff. What will be, will be. Keep believing that good things happen to good people. Link to comment
Pto29538 Posted December 7, 2017 Share Posted December 7, 2017 You say you would be beating yourself up for not been strong enough to go .. The fact you are not going in my eyes it’s the strong thing !!!! It would be so much easier to just go and be near her and see if it triggers something in her but you are being the strong person protecting yourself and your boundaries . I wouldn’t go either as nothing good can come of it only setting you back . Obviously we all take detours in our healing so no one will judge you of you do Link to comment
Carus Posted December 8, 2017 Author Share Posted December 8, 2017 Thankyou so much PTO*. Your post really made me feel better about my decision. And thanks to everyone else for helping me make that decision* Journal ~ 18 days since being cut adrift* Mornings are still the worst. Coming out of my blissful happy sleep world where I am happy, back to the reality of what is... Luckily I had to get up fairly straight away so I did. I had to drop my suit at the dry cleaners. This is around the corner from my ex's place and it's where I've always gone. As I told Sputnik, I basically live in the same area as I used to so there are triggers a-plenty to push through...Plus I find myself looking around to see if I see her...Not that I want to, more that I DON'T want to.... I got home and was putting some washing on and the morning meltdown hit me. My heart split open again and I cried...It's absolutely horrible. I feel for everyone here who is going through this or anything close to this... But it only lasted 10 minutes and I felt a bit better afterwards.... I feel good about my decision to not go to that event and I did what I planned...kept busy! Got my stitches out and everything is good...so I'm back in the water as of tomorrow! Yay! God I've missed that as it is such an important part of my healing process... Went to a semi regular cafe today and met a gorgeous girl that I haven't seen before...I chatted to her and she passed a few of my 'Interest Level' tests and I'm thinking "Here we go.." ...But then I trod on my tongue and dropped the ball and her interest level plummeted...Doh! Anyway, I'm just practicing for now and I might see her there next week. I've been forcing myself to talk to girls. I know I'm not going to find that special connection that I had with my wife for a very long time, if ever, but it does help with trying to relight the fire of self worth....And it's a numbers game...Ask 100 women and maybe 5 might say yes. It helps to deal with rejection if you can practice it. Came across some brilliant videos today on YT geared towards healing a broken heart. I mentioned above that I'm trying to wean off the 'GYEB' vids as my hope of it ever happening now is pretty much gone....And to be honest, as painful and disappointing as it is, letting go is easier than coming up with some plan about how you're going to get them back and then spending your time thinking about that... I'm sure everyone here though is aware of the theory that getting your ex back and moving on with your own life are actually the same thing. One can't seem to happen without the other...so moving on it is...! The changes I've already made and the pain that I have risen above made me a bit sad that if my ex knew me now, we'd probably do ok...but sadly, I guess she'll never know and I will just have to bring those gifts to the next girl....Plus, in so many ways, we are who we are people, and if someone can't see our value, then surely someone else will... So the exhibition came and went. I'm sure it was great and I'm sure my ex had the time of her life.... I knew I shouldn't sit at home during those hours so I treated myself to a nice dinner down on the main strip of town....Many more triggers but it's good to just push through them.... I got a window seat and watched life go by....I'm functioning day to day, but life is just so empty now without her and the kids.... I find myself looking for 'Guys my ex would go out with'....of course we can never know but I know her so well, I know what she is somewhat attracted to....And out of say 200-300 men that walked past I reckon I saw maybe 4...Silly game really but it seems to soothe me... I also found that when I saw happy couples or guys with their families I just smiled and thought "Good on you dude"..... Then as I was driving home I got pulled over by the police...! He said "Mr Carus?"...I'm like "Yes?"....He says "Your license has been suspended for unpaid fines!".... WTH?? I said I just renewed it 2 weeks ago!!...He says "Did you not get the letter the D.O.T sent you?".....I say "Well I've moved house twice in the last few weeks. Can you check which address it went to..?" He goes to his car and comes back and yep, sure enough, it was sent to my ex's house....!! I said I'll sort it out asap and drove off.... So where the hell did that letter go?? Why didn't she forward it on to me....?? My god. She really has gone and after stringing me along for those 3 months, I'm dead to her now.....*sigh* Anyway, it is what it is...I don't need that letter to sort it out coz he gave me the case number...but it wasn't the best end to my day. I guess the Universe just decided to stab one more trigger in my chest for the day....and I'm kinda glad because otherwise I would never have known!!! So it's midnight now. It's been a productive day. The pain level has sat at about 2/10 all day. It seems to oscillate between 2 and 5 now which is better than 8 and 10 like those first couple of weeks...! I feel comforted by those of you who are watching over me who are further down the track than I am, knowing more than I do that I'm going to be ok. Very grateful for that* Find Peace Everyone. Carus* ===================================================================================================================== Down the highway. Down the track. Down the road to ecstasy. I followed you beneath the stars, hounded by your memory. And all your raging glory. You'll never know the hurt I've suffered. Nor the pain I rise above. And I'll never know the same about you. Your holiness or your kind of love. And it makes me feel, so sorry* ~ Dylan* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 8, 2017 Share Posted December 8, 2017 Hey Carus, I absolutely love you man. Just on my way to the do and thought I would check in quickly first. Will reply in full tomorrow. Glad you had a decent day and pleased you didn't give into dreaded temptation after all. Keep it up man, so proud if you. Get some well earned sleep. Ever forwards.. Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 9, 2017 Share Posted December 9, 2017 Hey Carus, Hope you had a good Saturday! Am so with you on the mornings.. sleep is a good place most of the time. Yes, my town has traps and triggers aplenty, so know exactly what you mean. When you feel like crying, let it all out mate... you will feel much better afterwards, at least for a while. Proud of you for skipping the exhibition. You avoided the jaws of hell I hope you had a good swim! Good news about the stitches. Keep up the practise buddy Letting go and moving on is the only way forward for us..however we feel about it. I am certain you will find a special connection again.. when and where we don't yet know.. People WILL see your value, there is no doubting it. The letter issue, I totally feel your pain buddy. My ex completely neglected many loose ends and left me high and dry.. Switching off completely is how some people deal with things.. Just remember that not everyone does the right thing. Glad you had a productive day and 2/10 is great progress! Ever forwards.. Link to comment
Carus Posted December 9, 2017 Author Share Posted December 9, 2017 Thanks for your kind words Sputnik...Yes, I still have zero regrets about not going to that exhibition so it must have been the right decision! Plus, let her wonder about me....if she ever does... Journal ~ First Day! I did it..! The first day I haven't cried at all in 3 weeks..! Don't get me wrong. The pain is still there and so are the thoughts of her, and I'm sure there'll be more to come, but I'll take this as a small win* Didn't get in the water today but I did get into the gym... Went to work...Met an amazing girl and we got on very well...but she lives with her partner......But it did show me I have a little flame left in the ashes. She was gorgeous and her energy was infectious....It was nice. One of the hardest things about breakups is that we tend to hold onto the sadness...Why? Because it becomes the last remaining link to our ex. Crazy no...? This pain. This sufferance. We'd give it all up tomorrow if that were possible right...? But again, it is that last link...therefore it is the last thing we need to let go of.... I still miss her a lot, and will for a long time I'm sure. We had built a good life together and went on so many crazy adventures. We even had sex just about every day for that entire 5 years! Even on the day I moved out....That is rare..... Still, this is what she wanted for whatever reasons she has come up with.... I know I'll still have bad days and that's ok...But I will have to say that I think it really is easing up now...So I need to now start working on letting go of that last link in what was a golden chain* Let's see what the morning brings. Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 9, 2017 Share Posted December 9, 2017 Hey Carus, So very proud of you my man.. it is Day 1 indeed! "One of the hardest things about breakups is that we tend to hold onto the sadness...Why? Because it becomes the last remaining link to our ex" - That is sooo true. Much of the time, I feel very sad about what happened and I cling onto the pain. I feel it also makes me a better person. You WILL miss her for a long time and she WILL miss you also. Of that, you can be sure. I really hope you have a great Sunday and I look forward to your next positive update Stay true. Link to comment
Carus Posted December 12, 2017 Author Share Posted December 12, 2017 Hi All...and Sputnik* ;-) Journal ~ 22 Days since being cut adrift* It is 3am here so just a quick one....Sleep is still disrupted and I'm waking up earlier than I should. This leads me to then lay awake in that morning pain that still waits by the bed for me to wake up...I should just get up but I'm trying to get my sleep pattern back coz I really have to watch my fatigue with work. Not enough sleep and working 10-12 hours a day is wearing me out There's not much to say either really. Each day is the same. Wake up too early. Shake hands with the pain monster. Try to get on with the day. Meltdown and cry and scream. Go to work. Come home exhausted...Rinse and Repeat...6 days a week.... I am getting in the gym most days though, and I'll be back to the pool as soon as I'm feeling up for it... Even though I still cry every day, it does seem to be easing up a little bit. My two stepsons who miss me terribly want to go to the new Star Wars movie so I will take them on Friday. The eldest one especially has stayed in contact with me and I'm sure they both miss me.... Obviously I don't need to do this but I just feel it is the right thing to do. Also, they are at their dads place this week so I won't have to break NC to get them... I had a good chat with a very long term friend of mine tonight and he did make me feel better..Amongst other things he said about me taking the boys to the cinema "See? This is the man she threw away...!"......I know he's right...A lot of guys would probably walk away, but this is not their fault...But I doubt I'll see them after this, unless they reach out first....They're kids and I'm sure they'll be just fine.... The mutual friend of ours that was with my ex when I made that fateful call 3 weeks ago called today to see how I was. I just told her I was coming back from the beach and I've been working out and doing pilates and surfing and making a lot of internal changes...I also just said I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation....Who knows if that will get back to my exwife but best to keep it upbeat just in case Well, I hope everyone is doing what needs to be done. Let's see if the pain monster is gonna have the day off tomorrow... Love Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 hi Carus, Have missed your wisdom the last couple of days.. welcome back Sorry to hear about the sleep pattern and the mornings.. it's still exactly the same story here. The last 3 days have been very tough, for some reason. "Shake hands with the pain monster" - you DO have a lovely way with words.. I think it's "good" that you are busy with work, but you do need to try and ensure you are looking after you too..Being heartbroken is EXHAUSTING!!! The gym is great.. need to ensure that you keep having the lovely meals by the sea and sleep as much as your mind allows. I find myself going to bed earlier than normal, but not sure if that helps? I haven't cried for a few weeks now.. although I have felt like it on occasion. It does make you feel better afterwards though. It's better to let it all out, for sure. You are wonderful for spending time with the step-kids post split..You may or may not know, but I also said goodbye to 2 of the ex's young daughters when she split up with me. I've watched them grow up for 3 years, then to become a stranger (also happened after my divorce). That also hurts, so I admire you greatly for this. The mutual friend business is totally down to you what you say, but I think what you put across is correct.. She needs to know you are doing well and doing fine I am due to see a mutual friend next week.. he won't be getting any news from me. One day at a time.. we will get there. Ever Strong Carus! Link to comment
Carus Posted December 13, 2017 Author Share Posted December 13, 2017 Thankyou for your kind words Sputnik* You are wonderful for spending time with the step-kids post split..You may or may not know, but I also said goodbye to 2 of the ex's young daughters when she split up with me. I've watched them grow up for 3 years, then to become a stranger (also happened after my divorce). That also hurts, so I admire you greatly for this. That means a lot buddy...Yeh, it's difficult when children are around coz we bond with them as well as the ex... But they are missing me a lot and want to go to Star Wars with me, so I feel it's the right thing to do.... What I AM trying to do though is separate my relationship with them from the pain of her...I'm also trying to mentally prepare myself to NOT ask them anything about their mother....Anything they tell me will only bring on sadness so I NEED to make sure I stick to this....I must not talk about her at all, unless they bring it up.... They'll probably say something like "We don't like mums new boyfriend', and me and Pain Monster can dance off into the night lol Journal ~ Day 2 of NC (No Crying)* Well despite the usual brutal morning slap in the face of waking up to the reality of what is, and pain hovering around 2 or 3 all day, it seems I've done another day without crying...! Had a productive day too with settling more in the pad, going to the gym and having a nice lunch with the girl who's been taking care of me. I'm so lucky to have her! Especially in those first couple of weeks where the world went black and everything collapsed. I pulled into a car park tonight to have a ciggarette. There was a middle aged woman in her car also. She kind of said something to me, I couldn't quite understand. I went over to her and saw that she was nearing the end of a vodka bottle and smoking a joint....She was pretty smashed. I said "What's going on? What are you doing..??".... She told me that her sister was dying of cancer....She was obviously self medicating and not in a good way... I told her that I had just lost my whole family as well because of what has happened...She was really sorry to hear that.... I had to go to work so I told her to please look after herself and make sure she has someone to talk too.... One moment. Two complete strangers sharing their pain.... Got through work and now home.... I'm doing ok...Still have annoying thoughts about how she can just cut the cord and walk away like that...She still lives at the house with the kids, the dogs, the chickens, the bees, everything we'd built on our little urban farm..... How the HELL does she deal with all the triggers...? I'm also stuck halfway now between Hope and Moving on.... There's so many damn stories, and programs, and forums, and videos on the net about couples who get back together....It's hard to kill off that last remaining Hope! But kill it I must.....I know she's gone. I know it's over....I just need to keep working on accepting that.... We have Xmas and New Year coming up....It's gonna be hard, we all know that...But just remember, it's just another day. The sun will come up and the sun will go down and this too shall pass* Stay Strong Everyone Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 13, 2017 Share Posted December 13, 2017 Hey Carus, Well done on Day 2! Yes, it will be interesting to hear what your ex's boys do mention.. just be mentally prepared for anything I guess. "Still have annoying thoughts about how she can just cut the cord and walk away like that" - BINGO! That made me convinced (rightly) for me there was 3rd party involvement in my situation.. although your ex still loves you and is very fond of you, although not sure why/how she could do it. Having the kids with her WILL help her alot though.. it gives them strength NOT to reach out too, even if she wanted to. Staying at your half-way hotel is not the worst place to be buddy.. you still have so many things going for you, come what may. The element of hope is crucial.. whatever happens you will always be a part of her. I am convinced of that, from what I have read. Do you have Christmas plans as yet? You are more than welcome to join festivities here in the U.K? if you can drag yourself away from the sunny beach! Stay strong buddy.. tomorrow is a better day Link to comment
mynameisneo Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 Hey Carus, glad to hear you're not crying - though totally do if you need to. During my grieving process I was only able to cry once and it felt really good, I weirdly wish I would have been able to cry more :). The good news is that your recovery curve is at the infant stages of trending up. This is a precarious place, because you can either sustain on what you've built in terms of resiliency and resistance, or you can slip further down into a depressive state. Consistency in terms of the things that you feel are working for you is key to getting better. Double down on what's been working (the gym, the contact with the girl who has been taking care of you, the self-care, the distractions). Stay away from triggers. I can tell from your last post that your rational mind is fighting to get ahead of the emotional side of you. Give it the help it needs by avoiding sightings of your ex, contact with your ex, reminders, etc. Those things may happen eventually. They may not. You need to get to a place where it's your choice to engage your ex with the knowledge that it won't hurt you if things go bad.* Continue to write. Do it in multiple places if you need to. I keep a private journal where the most vulnerable side of me is revealed. I found writing, here and in my journal, and tracking my progress, to be one of the most useful things I've done. Continue to have the conversations and the debates. It's important for your brain to rationalize this out. I would talk to myself on hour-long walks or runs until I ran out of words and reasons. I would have imaginary conversations with my ex, every scenario ranging from how awful she was to scheming how to get back together with her. At some point, your brain tires of this. But do it until it does, it's important you exhaust this. And you will. If you stick to this, a week or two from now you will literally feel like a different person. Mind you, you won't be anywhere near done healing. But some of the most hurtful demons will either have left you or they'll be in retreat. *Note, I am in this place now, having for the past month or so rebuilt a good friendship with my most recent ex with absolutely zero desire of anything other than that. When you arrive at this place you will have healed Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 Neo... you are a legend mate :) Link to comment
Carus Posted December 15, 2017 Author Share Posted December 15, 2017 Thanks Guys, and thanks Neo* Your thread is definitely an inspiration...I am very tired from all this but will push on... It's funny you say you wish you could have cried more...I can't bloody stop! But it is my only form of release from the pain that builds up in my chest.... Plus, I seem to only cry once in a day as opposed to all day every day like in that first week...So I guess I'm slowing ticking forward. Sputnik, I'm just going to work through Xmas/NY. It'll be tough, for all of us, but I may as well keep busy and make money while I can...I know she'll be out somewhere but I'm going to do my best to not focus on that... I saw a counselor today...She was o.k but I look forward to seeing my regular guy on Monday... I took my eldest stepson to Star Wars tonight. Unfortunately the younger one was ill so couldn't make it. He told me on the phone. I could tell he was disappointed... We had a good time and I managed to not ask him any questions about his mom. He asked me if I would be around for xmas...It broke me a little having to say 'Probably not' :( Something else that stung a bit was when he said "Did (exwife) tell you that (youngest boy) has got a job for the school holidays?" I just said "I'm sorry. I haven't heard from (her) for quite a while"... He seemed a bit confused....This brought some pain..... It just makes me think that the whole situation is friggin' ridiculous. I know she wants to 'find herself' and be free...But was our marriage THAT bad? Was I really that bad!? And something I would only admit here, although that was totally about them, there was a part of me that was hoping I would get even just a txt saying thanks....but no... So I'm really tired, which is good....and must rest.... One hour at a time. One day at a time..... I love everybody here.... Carus* Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 Hang in there Carus. Though it may not feel like it, you ARE doing making progress Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted December 15, 2017 Share Posted December 15, 2017 Hey Carus, You cry as much as you need to buddy. It's therapeutic, for sure. Yes, I will also be working around x-mas and NY. It's definitely the correct plan of action for my state of mind. How is the counselling going generally? I have given it some thought, but am unsure.. I am glad to hear you enjoyed the film and seems like the pain monster went easier on you than expected? It must be difficult for the kids too and you won't ever be sure exactly what they have been told. People leaving to "finding themselves" is so often a cover-up for something much more dubious..but who knows mate. you can only do what YOU need to do, for YOU. These ex's have made their choice and they need to live with it. We pick up the pieces, take our chin off the floor and move on as best we can. There is no alternative. The more we expect/want contact from the ex (even a simple sorry or thank you).. the less likely it is.. I guess it's just the way life is. Please get some good rest and remember we all love you. Until tomorrow my friend. Link to comment
mynameisneo Posted December 16, 2017 Share Posted December 16, 2017 Neo... you are a legend mate :) Sputnik, that's very kind of you to say. But I'm honestly just a guy who was broken to pieces, and the pain was so unbearable that I decided that I would do everything possible to make that pain go away as quickly as possible, and stuck to a plan that was proven to work and carried it out as exactly as possible as I could. That's really it. Pain, hunger, poverty, loss, etc.. all of these horrible things are incredible motivators, and if you have the discipline and willpower to say "NO MORE" and "I am in charge and will change my future", you'd be amazed at how easy it actually is to do. There are no miracles. Also, no shortcuts, generally speaking. But the accepted minimal length of time you're in a certain state can absolutely be reached if you're determined enough, by just about everyone. Link to comment
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