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Hey Carus,

 

We are all here for you brother.

 

Castaway is one of my favourite films and I couldn't have put it any better than wonderful Mitch did.

 

This does look like the closure you needed to help you find peace.

 

I am convinced you will get through this and happiness will be found once you have ridden these waves.

 

All the strength in the world.

 

S x

 

P.S, I agree with you, that Youtube Natalie girl is hot ;)

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Well it's after midnight here now and I did not wish my ex happy birthday. I struggle a bit with it and spent most of the day watching vids, reading articles and seeking advice as to why I should or shouldn't...

 

It grinds on me as the whole community would have rallied around her and they'll all be going to her party on Saturday...except me. So I felt that tug of expectation you know?

 

Even my mother wished her and we had a bit of a text argument about that. If somebody hurt my child I certainly wouldn't be wishing them a happy birthday!

 

But I think the most valid reasons I could come up with for staying silent is that I'm still coming to grips with the whole thing and this is a part of me trying to accept that it's over.

 

Also I can't lie that there would still be hope there that by wishing her happy birthday would lead to 'something'...

 

Right now I'm feeling ok but have little doubt that pain will come again.

 

Let's also not forget she took everything dear to me away..and I don't mean just her.

 

Anyway, just wanted to write that out and I hope it might help someone in the future who may be faced with the same difficulty.

 

Carus*

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Hello brother,

 

Honestly, I think you did the right thing.

 

"If somebody hurt my child I certainly wouldn't be wishing them a happy birthday!" I can relate to this.. If anyone hurt my son, they would get the 2 finger salute (at very best)..

 

I am also pretty sure that both my sisters gave my ex a piece of their mind when all her BS came to light (not that they would tell me)..

 

The b'day (hers) blues will pass soon, for sure.

 

Believe it or not, you ARE getting there.. We are all here too :)

 

S x

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I'm new here but not new to relationship blues. I'm sorry for your pain, if it helps at all, hundreds of thousands of people are going through similar issues every day. I'm here because I'm having panic attacks related to my recent break-up and looking for solutions, it helps to know I'm not the only one going through this and many of the stories I'm reading here are much worse than mine. I have no solutions, I only know that time makes things a little easier. Good luck.

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Honestly, I think you did the right thing.

Thankyou dear Sputnik* You've been with me all through this and I can't thank you enough*

 

Here's a couple more thoughts:

 

One way of looking at it is this: "Hi. You ripped my life from under me, abandoned our marriage and plunged me into a world of darkness and pain. Happy Birthday!"......Right?

 

If somebody dies, the community rallies around the bereaved...But when it comes to divorce, because one person is fine and moved on, people seem to expect that the other person (me in this case) should be all fine about it too....It can be quite isolating....

 

I doubt my ex cares if I wish her a happy birthday or not, and by this time next year and onwards from there, it won't matter anymore anyway, so may as well start now.

 

Some may say that I should be 'mature' about this and just wish her, but I think this is more about self protection...and that IS mature no?

 

And why are we expected to be 'friends' with someone we were close to? I know it happens but probably about as little as couples that actually get back together...Sad but true.

 

BTW Sputnik* - I asked a girl if she wanted to meet for dinner on Friday and she said Yes! :)) Nice to hear I'm sure but she is leaving the state in July so nothing will come of it, but she said Yes and it will be nice just to enjoy some female company as I make my way back towards the light*

 

Welcome DWU* - I will post a couple of ideas on your thread which will hopefully help you*

 

Carus*

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My darling SweetGirl*

Carus, I'm sorry for your pain, I honestly wish I could wipe it all away for you.

You do help though...In fact, meeting you has been one of the benefits of this breakup. I feel I know you so well now :) x

I know how it feels to have family go against you. It stings. Well try to forgive your mom, I don't think she

wanted to hurt you with doing so.

She probably doesn't want to hurt me no but over the years I have come to see that she is fairly devoid of any empathy....and I'm done with it....

 

Every time I've had my heart completely smashed she is definitely of the "Just snap out of it" crowd...She truly doesn't understand or even try to...

 

And only a couple of months ago, SHE was the one telling me to not answer my exs calls or talk to her! :-@

 

Anyway, she's my birth mother and I did not grow up with her. My parent mother is a lot more understanding....x

I didn't wish my ex a happy bday either when we weren't talking. It's okay . They understand why.

That was soothing to read as one thing that we worry about is how the ex is going to perceive why we didn't contact them on their 'special day'....

 

I hope my ex (and everyone else) can understand why, but as I said, I don't think she really cares anymore one way or the other....As for me, I have to look after myself now and even though a part of me did want to message her, the bigger part felt better about not....I even imagined myself doing it and not doing it seems to sit better with me....Maybe next year....I'll see where I'm at at the time*

 

((More Hugs than You can Handle)) :) xx

 

Carus*

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Here with you for the duration, dearest *Carus.

 

Proud of you for the date buddy.. It's a lovely ego boost when people show a decent interest ;)

 

Your mindset is correct.. Do whatever you need to and can do to help yourself.. nothing else actually matters.

 

Hugs back buddy!

 

S x

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Yeh I've been on a couple of dates...It hasn't really helped...I must walk this path alone until I can walk upright again.....

 

Hi to everyone else....I will try and update soon but every day is pretty much the same at the moment. Work, try to sleep, force myself out of bed, work, rinse and repeat....

 

I am getting into the gym most days which is good. If I can keep my body afloat hopefully my mind will catch up eventually*

 

Love To You All*

 

Carus*

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I thought it was really interesting what you said about dreams/nightmares - that being your brain processing that it's over. I've recently been having dreams every night about my ex and haven't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

 

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and it seems like your wife may not really know what she wants either. Speaking from experience, it sounds to me like she knows that it's over but also doesn't want to be alone. This isn't to say that going on dates won't fix things, but are either of you actually working on the core cause of what caused the separation? Because if you two are just talking or going out together for the sake of "being there" or not being alone then this will not turn out well for both of you, or mostly you.

 

I think it's good you told her not to contact you until she is ready to get back together, this may force her to look at the issues and decide whether SHE is willing to work on it, but I say that if you really love her, then you should try and find out why she separated from you in the first place and perhaps try to work on that - if it's in your control.

 

I think you are in the position where you still have hope to make this work, unlike me, so I say try. However, if you keep hitting walls with her and it becomes clear that the feelings are no longer there from her side, then my heart goes out to you and I hope you are able to move on quickly.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've been reading and dropping a few (hopefully helpful) comments but haven't posted on this thread for a while as there hasn't really been much to say now...

 

However today has been pretty damn brutal and I just want to write this out to hopefully get it out of my head:

 

I started the day with a sex dream about my ex....This set the day off on a tough note...Even brought on a few tears later in the day.

 

Then later in the evening I spoke to a friend of mine who has also known my ex for a long time....

 

This is the same friend who told me that my ex cheated on the father of the kids and that's how their relationship ended...He was pretty cut up for a long time understandably...

 

I mentioned that I was still missing my ex quite a bit and so she decided to tell me some more stuff...She was cautious because she has wanted to tell me things but hasn't because she doesn't want to cause me anymore pain, but the truth had to come out....

 

It seems my ex has been on a sex fest over the last 6 or so months, which includes back when she was still contacting me. Hooking up with multiple guys including a guy I know!

 

My friend had spoken to this guy and he said that my ex was saying quite negative things about me....

 

I don't really care that they hooked up because we broke up so they're free to do whatever they want and I knew it was going to happen eventually. But what does hurt me is that after all I did, she has to bad mouth me to people! She takes no responsibility for her part in the breakup. It was all me....

 

This is also what she did when we were together about her other exes including the father of the children...Who by the way, is a pretty decent guy...!

 

She has obviously compartmentalized the relationship and does this to justify what she did.....She is now seeing a new guy that she met on Tinder....

 

This is obviously upsetting and ignorance is bliss. This is why NC is so, so important. This is the most traumatizing event of my entire life and seems to just go on and on.....

 

I know now with a ton of research and reflection that I was in a somewhat narcissistic and emotionally abusive marriage....

 

The stages of Love Bombing, Devaluing and Discarding fit my situation to a T...The gaslighting and the trauma bonding are extremely damaging and this also explains why my recovery has been so brutal and ongoing....It also helps me to know which tools to employ to try and help me to get through this....Unfortunately it can take a long time...

 

Gaslighting:

 

Most of us know what Gaslighting is but in summary for those who don't, it's when everything is your fault. You are the bad one. You are the flawed one. And over time you start to actually believe it....You start to trust them more than you trust yourself.

 

Then, when you get discarded, it drives it even further into your core because now you've been abandoned so you MUST be the flawed one.

 

Trauma Bonding:

 

There is a lot of info out there about Trauma Bonding but in summary it is caused by the inconsistencies in the relationship yet we long for the Love Bombing stage. We long for that person. Despite everything else, we long for how we felt in that stage. Another more common term for it is Stockholm Syndrome. This can also take a long time to recover from and get over.

 

Here are a couple of videos for reference:

 

Trauma Bonding: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJudXl1_ks8

 

Ex's New Supply:

 

So yeh, pretty brutal day.

 

Yes this gives me more resolve to keep doing my best to move on, but it's still damn painful...

 

Part of my recovery now has been to work out why I attracted that person into my life and try to fix that. This will involve energy healing and inner child work.

 

It is 2:30am now and I'm feeling slightly angry and ok, but I'm dreading the morning....but I must sleep.

 

Please take care of yourselves Dear Ones....

 

Carus*

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Morning Carus.

 

You are right, ignorance is bliss. Your friend meant well, but you are better off not knowing.

 

Some of my friends who are mutual friend's with the ex do get her facebook updates. But they are au fait with the No Contact process - they tell me nothing, and I don't ask.

 

I suggest you do some more casual dating to give yourself something else to think about.

 

Kia Kaha.

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Ignorance is usually, but not always, bliss. Without knowing that she has been acting like a complete ****head now and even badmouthing you, it would be hard for you to get to the point you are now: figuring out why you let that person into your life for quite some time and why you still long for her. You may be starting to identify situations in your relationship where similar bad behaviour from her might have occured. It will eventually go back to child traumas, etc, as you mentioned. In your case, knowledge is bliss. You're getting to the root of the problem. You will be much more likely to find a healthy relationship when you're ready again.

 

Speaking from things I relate to your situation, I think it may go down to abandonment trauma. I seem to have problems with attachment and extreme fear of abandonment in relationsips (therefore hesitating in getting committed because of the very fear of being rejected or abandoned). Until recently, I didn't know that, I have never been to a psychologist except for job interviews. I spent some time thinking about my early childhood after reading and watching yotube videos recently. They say it's usually because your mum or caregiver has abandoned you (in some way) in your early life.

 

My mum got back to work just a few months after giving birth. I used to spend a lot of time with my granpa, who basically helped raising me when very young. I could not think about it as abandonment at all. I felt good about the whole thing as I developed great friendship with my grandpa and he was very caring and friendly. Never I thought there was any trauma arising from that.

 

But then I remembered one episode, the first day at pre-school in quite a young age (maybe 3). I remember getting there the first day and my mom leaving abruptly without saying anything to me. I remember criying quite a lot, those cries with hiccups and all. I was desperate. It didn't matter that the caregivers told me she was coming back to get me later, I just didn't believe it. I thought she would've told me so if that was the case. Later on I learned from my mom that she was told to leave without giving me much attention to avoid a reaction from me. After that, she was in a place where she could actually see me from far and her heart was very tight seeing me cry like a baby. She tried to avoid a trauma, but she managed to achieve the complete opposite. It was indeed a traumatising experience, one of the very few things I remember from that very young age. Sounds very silly now but at that age for some reason I interpreted that as being just abandoned. For a few hours, I thought she was never coming back again.

 

I think my mum has 0 fault and could not have possily imagined the trauma that would cause. In fact, she has always been very caring and I have a great relationship with her. I don't think I'll ever tell her that I got to this realisation. But it's helping me heaps to get to the root of the problem. I feel somewhat free now. As everything makes sense now. It was no Eureka, but I think I'm getting closer to understanding why some of my recent relationships have failed.

 

Carus, I'm not saying your situation is the same. But it does look you're getting quite an extreme reaction for being abandoned and rejected. And the more she 'mistreats' you the harder it gets the let it go. You have been probably suffering from that Stockholm Syndrome you mentioned. As in fantasising about the very person who rejected and abandoned you. I'm no psychologist and you have training in that so hopefully you will get to the root of your situation, either with professional or self-help. I hope you find solace in a better understanding of your psyche.

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Thanks everyone for the kind words....Thanks Morello for sharing that post...^

 

Yes I have attachment injuries and abandonment issues....But in some ways we all do...It just takes actually being set in the right position and then discarded for it to be triggered....Does anyone who is in love (attached) then ditched ever walk away saying "Yeh, I'm fine"....? Perhaps it's just the depth of grief and length of recovery that varies...

 

Back when we were living in tribes and more reliant on each other for our survival, abandonment or exile basically meant certain death. Sadly we still carry some of that biological imprinting with us today....Being dumped or abandoned by someone we are attached to doesn't necessarily mean death these days, but it sure still feels like it...!

 

The more I've learned about Love Bombing, Devaluing, Discarding, Trauma Bonding and Codependency also explains why this has been so traumatic and ongoing for me....or perhaps I just really loved her ? ;-)

 

The degree on my wall and all the books and videos that we can resource these days does help to understand what we're going through.....

 

But it doesn't make it any less painful.....

 

Love N Light

 

Carus*

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Thanks everyone for the kind words....Thanks Morello for sharing that post...^

 

Yes I have attachment injuries and abandonment issues....But in some ways we all do...It just takes actually being set in the right position and then discarded for it to be triggered....Does anyone who is in love (attached) then ditched ever walk away saying "Yeh, I'm fine"....? Perhaps it's just the depth of grief and length of recovery that varies...

 

Back when we were living in tribes and more reliant on each other for our survival, abandonment or exile basically meant certain death. Sadly we still carry some of that biological imprinting with us today....Being dumped or abandoned by someone we are attached to doesn't necessarily mean death these days, but it sure still feels like it...!

 

The more I've learned about Love Bombing, Devaluing, Discarding, Trauma Bonding and Codependency also explains why this has been so traumatic and ongoing for me....or perhaps I just really loved her ? ;-)

 

The degree on my wall and all the books and videos that we can resource these days does help to understand what we're going through.....

 

But it doesn't make it any less painful.....

 

Love N Light

 

Carus*

 

These last two posts are so interesting to me. I’ve been in psychotherapy for 4 months now and we’ve gone into the same attachment and Abandonment issues with regard to the original hurt. It’s just amazing how certain people can engage our insecurities so deeply. I wish there was a way to ease the current pain using the knowledge I’ve gotten from therapy but it seems more that I would change future patterns to avoid people that trigger me.

 

Chapter 9 from the book below (free) The Brain that Changes Itself has a really interesting case of a man undergoing free association therapy and eventually grieving the original hurt. He was finally able to overcome some issues that plagued him his entire life. It’s a good read

 

https://www.brainmaster.com/software/pubs/brain/contrib/The%20Brain%20That%20Changes%20Itself.pdf

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Thanks for that TeddyP* ~ I'll take a look....

 

Ironically I knew all about grieving, attachment styles, abandonment et al BEFORE I got married, thanks to some other brutal breakups that I've been through and yet this is by far and away the worst heart pain I've ever experienced....and in some ways, worse than I've ever seen in anyone!

 

There are many reasons for that which I won't go into here, but it's mainly based in loss, loss and more loss....A lifetime of losses*

 

I also think the bonding with her children I had added another layer of hurt I had to work through....

 

Hope you are pushing on Brother*

 

Carus*

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Man...bonding with the children adds so much to it. I didn’t even realize when we first broke up that I’d miss her son. He spent half of his life with me as the male role model. He told me he loved me and called me daddy. Now less than 4 months after breaking up she’s got another man around him. That’s potentially daddy #3 for the little 4 year old. It’s heartbreaking

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  • 2 months later...
How you doin Carus. Ive been wondering. I know things have been tough for you, and you deserve so much better.

Dear SilverBirch* ~ Thankyou for checking in on me...and your kind words.

 

It's August. Around 1 year now since I moved out from my family and everything that was dear to me.

 

I'd love to say "Guess what? I made it. I'm over it. I met someone else etc..."....but sadly I cannot.

 

My body and nervous system seems to be stabilizing and the pain has gone down a bit, but I'm still dealing with quite a bit of CPTSD.

 

I'm still looking for solutions to keeping me asleep and I'm still having the 'Dreams and Nightmares'....

 

My band reformed for a one off concert a couple of weeks ago. The venue packed out and quite a few people couldn't get in. The promoter really underestimated the venue!

 

That gig however was better than 10 counseling sessions and in that 1 hour all was right with the world. I wish we were still playing regularly....

 

At this stage I could say I never fully recovered from it, but I'm hanging in there. Eating as healthy as I can, still turning up for work and doing all I can to heal*

 

I still miss her and the kids beyond words...beyond breath*

 

I'm planning now to leave here in 4 months to go traveling for a while. I know that part of that is 'running away' but I do feel I need to try something a little extreme to really get past this....Oh to be 25 again!

 

Hope you are well*

Anyone know what happened to Sweetgirl?

 

If you cancel your login are all your posts' content deleted?

Yes I noticed that too....Not sure what happened...

 

I do hope everyone is taking care of that which needs taking care of*

 

Carus*

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Welcome back Carus,

 

Always lovely to hear from you!

 

Sweets is around somewhere.. this place just wouldn't be the same without her! She is a rare breed.. insightful, yet very humorous! Just like your dear self! ;)

 

Strangely, I am dreaming now more than ever..

 

Would it not be possible to keep the gigs coming? I can see how it would be so therapeutic.

 

Are you able to all to get out and about socialising? It would do the world of good..

 

The "missing" aspect takes sooo long to dissipate doesn't it.. perhaps it never completely goes. You are doing nothing wrong, just know that.

 

Where are you thinking of travelling to brother? Place here in the UK whenever you need it! :)

 

Ever forwards..

 

S x

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  • 1 month later...

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