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Everything posted by TeddyPSmith

  1. I dated a girl like this for 2 years and WISH I would've bailed after 4 months. You may regret it now but after enough time has passed, youll be glad you didnt stay with her
  2. This is something of a revelation for me. Blue, reading this affirms it. This pretty much sums up my last relationship that took such a toll on me. I'd never experienced sex like that. I equated the lust with love. Sex felt like souls melding. When it was gone, so was my soul...so I thought. The rest of the relationship was toxic, immature, and corrosive to my self esteem. Ive had similar thoughts. My marriage ended in a terrible way but was much easier to process. I think this is because I knew that my ex wife was a good person that genuinely cared about me. The ex girlfriend never seemed to genuinely care about my well being. I think this leaves you feeling like there is something wrong with you for not deserving that care. OP, having been where you are and now in a healthy, loving relationship, I can tell you that it will fade. It just takes you getting to the point that you are absolutely sick of feeling the way you do. Unfortunately this might mean exhausting yourself in misery for a while. I think what helped me is to pray to God to help me let her go. I didnt pray to get over her or to get her back (I'd done both before). I just prayed to let her go because it was only ME that was holding on to anything.
  3. There is a man named Alan Robarge on YouTube. He is a psychotherapist that specializes in attachment wounds. One of his videos deals specifically with obsessive thoughts but I found comfort in nearly all of his videos. Maybe look him up and just watch. It's tremendously helpful to have someone validate what youre going through, particularly when you feel like youre going insane.
  4. Im probably a bit against the grain but I understand your concern and sympathize with you. However, I've been very insecure with some women. I think it's a combination of my own insecurities and a person that sort of tweaks those insecurities. Being a bit vague or acting in manners that dont align with my own morals is a certain trigger. Other women ive been pretty secure with. OP is there a chance that the two of you have never really shared the same values? Have you had issues trusting her before? Have you had issues trusting other women? How were the situations different? If uncomfortable honesty is what you require, its something important to you and maybe you should seek a person that can provide that. I happen to think that had she been completely honest about the dancing, you'd at least respect that and process it. Its the lack of trust thats really getting you.
  5. Hey buddy! Hope youre doing well. I was glad to see your post on here. Seraphim, would you mind sharing a bit of your experience? What was the chaos like? How long did you do EMDR? EMDR kind of fascinates me and ive always wanted to try it.
  6. when I was in fourth grade, the principle would come over the intercom for morning announcements. her voice put me in some kind of trance and I felt nearly hypnotized the entire time. I looked forward to it every day. There was nothing sexual about her voice, just a distinct quality that did this to me. Over the years, I found several other sounds that do this to me. I used to watch Bob Ross paint and when he used the knife to mix paint and then scraped it across the canvas it had the same effect. However none of the ASMR youtube videos do this to me. They actually kind of disgust me. Its a strange thing. There are also a couple scents that do this to me. Ill be walking in a crowd of people and smell a particular perfume that just sends me over the edge.
  7. Also, I can't fault you for the commute. 1.5 hours each way sounds terrible. As a single parent and full time worker, time is so precious. I think its admirable that y'all kept that up for 5 years
  8. I don't really have any advice other than to offer sympathy to you both. Relationships that end where kids are involved are very difficult. My daughter still talks about my ex and her son at least once a week and its been nearly two years since we broke up. I was also a father figure to her son. I think its possible to maintain some type of relationship for the sake of the kids but it will eventually lead to the same point when one of you starts to date someone else. I think that the relationship with the kids would then fall apart and maybe be even more painful for you or your ex. Its just a sad situation all around. I hope you can find a path that offers peace to all of you. I am a bit surprised at the comment about age difference. In your 40s, it seems that that kind of age gap is minimal, particularly if you share the same values, commitments to family and work, etc. There was a larger age gap with my ex but she was in her late 20s and was a stereotypical millennial, for what that's worth. The gap was extremely noticeable but not as much in the beginning. It's when the going gets tough that maturity starts to reveal itself. Anyway, good luck man
  9. TheRawTruth and Katrina both have my votes. I think it would be a gracious thing to do. You never know, someday you could be in his position and need closure from an ex. Wouldn't you want them to give you that? For the people saying that he has ulterior motives, its not as if you have no control over yourself if you speak with him. If you sense that he's got an angle, just take your exit.
  10. Jenn - im sorry that youre going through this. I can relate to so much of what youre saying. I havent posted here lately but I was pretty active when I went through my breakup, 16 months ago. I still come here daily and ready because sadly I am still not over it. I guess the fact that I dont read and write obsessively is a sign of healing but it sure doesn't feel like it. There was never this magic moment when I said "im finally done with this and can go and live my life!" I suppose that's the "time heals all wounds" aspect of it. Its just not what I hoped for. I spent a lot of time in psychotherapy, prayed, read countless books on heartbreak, codependency, family of origin issues, presence, radical self acceptance, and anything I could get my hands on to relieve the pain. When it first happened, I cried every day for 4 months. Probably at last 3-5 times a day. For someone that hadn't really cried more than 5 times over the previous two decades, that was pretty significant. Yet here I am, only marginally better. Where Ive landed (at the moment) mirrors what Katrina has said. I think that all of the actions I took, all of the analysis, thinking, and ruminating were just ways of avoiding the enormous amount of unfelt pain that I learned to repress over the years. For some reason I thought I could intellectualize my way around the pain. That just can't happen. It can make you feel quite insane, actually. If you've understood WHY you do the things you do and are attracted to certain archetypes yet you still feel deeply unsettled, what good does it do? I truly believe that you have to be brave enough to sit with the pain, free of thought, and allow it to bubble to the surface. You have to feel it. Every last painful bit of it. If you dont, you welcome all sorts of anxiety, depression, addiction, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I think that we sometimes confuse ourselves by assuming that we are such highly intelligent creatures and must therefore be able to circumvent painful experiences with knowledge. I now lean more towards the idea that we are only smart enough to find ways to avoid pain because it hurts. But really we are simple. Just feel the hurt with nothing else attached. When that is done, try to understand why we did what we did and do not repeat the same mistakes again. For me, meditating 10-20 minutes a day has been enormously helpful. It's not magic but it's led me to my current opinion on lingering emotional pain. I recommend the Waking Up app as its a bit more intellectual about the purpose and correct way to meditate. Im also starting to look into Somatic Experience therapy. Ive always heard of it and dismissed it as "new age" but theory aligns with where I am. I dont have any review of it as Ive just recently looked into it. I'll certainly write back if I find any use in it. To summarize, its going to suck for a while. The time to understand why this has hurt you so deeply can come after you feel better. I think that having insight is useful when youre in a better emotional state. If you can, set aside some small blocks of time to just feel what you feel, painful as it may be. Face it head on. Do not become addicted to the pain or the analysis of the pain. And keep posting. There is so much wisdom in this forum and just reading and writing is therapeutic. Hang in there. You'll begin to feel better!
  11. just came to say that I relate to this post in so many ways. loving someone like this is beautiful. its painful to know that feeling and not be able to have it again. I suppose there's beauty in that, as well. from time to time ill just choose to love her as if she were still here. I imagine myself embracing her and send her my love from afar. it seems to be more peaceful and natural than trying to block thoughts and feelings. There is really no beauty in that. the feelings are there and there is no point in suppressing them. they will find a way to pop up. I dont really have any advice for you. just know that you aren't alone
  12. It's been 15 months. I wish I could say I'm over you but im not. I’m not mad at you anymore. I fully realize that I lost the love of my life. I ruined another relationship but this time with “the one”. Right now, tonight, I admire you. Looking at your Facebook, I can see why I was and am so in love with you. You are so incredibly beautiful, smart, and funny. Why were you not enough? Why was I so insecure? This will probably go down in my memory like Al Bundy's high school touchdown pass. My life has gone down the tubes. It could always be worse but it’s never been this bad. I’ll have to pull myself up somehow. I don’t even know how to do it. One foot in front of the other I guess. You wouldn’t be proud of who I’ve become. Maybe this was necessary. Maybe there is some master plan. I really hope so. I hope this leads to some growth somehow. Anyway, I just felt the need to type this out. I hope that one day we can run into each other and just express love. Not get back together. Just love and forgiveness. Take care
  13. I am still as in love with you as ever. You were the love of my life and I don’t think it will ever go away. I would never wish this on anyone
  14. I wish that therapists started with questions like these. I like your style
  15. I feel like blocking his number is a bit harsh for someone in his condition. Is it possible to get over him without doing this sort of thing? Can you respectfully ask him for some space to heal from this? That would be much easier to handle than being blocked.
  16. This is some incredible stuff here. Thanks for sharing! I quoted and bolded the ones that were most helpful to me and that, a year out, can see how I should've behaved differently.
  17. I agree with both of these. I wish I hadn't completely gone NC as the lack of a caring goodbye and some calm discussion has really tormented me for over a year. I eventually wrote a letter and sent it. I felt pretty good about what I said. I also said that a response was not necessary...and I did not get one. However, a warning; I saw in the news that the local post office was completely neglectful and lost or failed to deliver 30,000 pieces of mail in my city around that time. So I don't even know that she got it. That said, I would almost suggest dropping it off in person in their mailbox or taping it to their door.
  18. Hey Carus - glad to hear youre enjoying Indonesia. Also congrats on finding a local cutie! That can do wonders for the self esteem. I completely understand what you mean about resetting to zero. That's something that's been on my mind a lot lately. I really do think that this is a form of surrender which ultimately leads to healing. We've spent quite a bit of time "trying" to get over this. We are just so da*n tenacious! But we can only toss and turn so much before it's time to just pull inwards and lick our wounds. This goes against the common advice of "be social! work out! eat well!" In fact it can be the opposite of those things. But I do think that addressing and accepting the unsettling feelings is really the only way to deal with this. All of the other advice is great but it doesn't mean much if you've only distracted yourself. It just takes a certain amount of time to get comfortable with the bad feelings. Once you get there, the only place to go is up. It sounds like you've found an ideal place where you can continue this journey. I wish that spirituality was accepted in the US as it is in Indonesia. We tend to look down on that a bit here and its so unhealthy. Something I want to add. I've read so many books over the last year. At first they were mostly about breakups and heartbreak. They've now shifted to deep personal growth. Eckhart Tolle and Tara Brach have been very helpful. I've started to entertain the idea that my past relationships were really just a reflection of myself. The people I was with were a projection of what was going on inside of me that needed to be fixed. The recurring themes, the insecurities, all were just parts of me that were crying for resolution. These women weren't evil and to blame for everything any more than I was. I, too, was a reflection of what was going on inside of them. We were both the people that fit together in that point in our lives, be it toxic or not. I think in a way I owe them some gratitude for ferreting out the things in me that needed addressing. So that said, I now think that without properly addressing our demons and finding deep inner peace, we can not have a truly healthy relationship. I don't think it's wrong to have relationships when you aren't at peace. We can still learn lessons from these relationships. But I don't think you can have the relationship that you deeply crave until you are resolved. Anyway, I'll get off the soap box haha. Im really glad to hear that both of you are doing better* (better being a relative word!). I hope we can all keep up with each other on this forum. I think there is so much we can learn from our experiences. Take care guys!
  19. No you definitely got your point across and I appreciate you posting. I hope I didn’t come across as critical of your post. I was attempting to say that it sounds like you found your own path and that it may have looked different from what others experience. I wasn’t in any way accusing you of dishing out the common advice. More that your experience illustrates how we have to find our own ways. Also, the current of time...yep, that ultimately works it’s magic on you. But damn it takes so long!
  20. Hey Mike, its good to hear back from you. Im so glad you've come out of it finally. I remember your story as we were on here at roughly the same time and had similar circumstances. All of your advice is spot on. I especially like that you sort of "call out" some of the other common advice and show its limitations. We all heal differently and we have to accept that and just go with it. It bothers me sometimes that people can be so forceful with their opinions about what you should and shouldn't do. People come here in their weakest state, desperate to try anything. When you try the common advice and it doesn't seem to work, it can make you feel inadequate and you end up being harder on yourself than you need to. But best of all is your quote from Virgil; "Endure, and save yourself for days of happiness!" This is exactly what it's about. Learning to suffer well. That doesn't sound like an appealing thing to do but you will have to endure regardless. It helps to think you that if you can just endure the pain, however long it may take, one day you will be happy again. I'm still not where you're at but I can see some light at time. Your post definitely gives me inspiration.
  21. I saw a post you made that mentioned you probably acted pretty terrible to an ex or exes. I wonder if you were referring to me. Probably not. It doesn't really matter much. You also liked a family member of mine's post recently. That was weird. Yall weren't really friends and you and I aren't friends anymore. I am still searching for signs subconsciously. It's sad. It's been a year and I think about you every day still. It would've been easier had I never met you.
  22. Can you expand your experience with EMDR? What were you being treated for? How long did you go? What method? I’ve considered this but never pulled the trigger. Apologies if you’ve already described it in this thread. I’m just catching the end of it.
  23. Have a look at these videos by Alain de Botton. They are wonderfully produced and really highlight the benefits of therapy. I've been in therapy for about a year now. I sometimes see the benefits of it but most often enjoy that someone will listen to me drone on for an hour about whatever is on my mind. I think the long term benefits happen after years of dedication to it. It's like the subtle whisper in your ear of how things could be different, how you could react and perceive things differently. There are different types of therapy and they all have their merits. I think that for something like a breakup, psychotherapy is probably the most beneficial. There is just no point in trying to change your thoughts/change your feelings (CBT) when you are completely running on emotions. Almost nothing will change those feelings until they run their course. I think that CBT is useful when things settle down a bit and youre ready to make some surface level changes. Dont feel embarrassed about going. Its not like you have to check-in to your therapist on facebook where everyone can see. Besides, you'd be amazed at the people you see coming and going from a therapist's office. You might even embarrassingly bump into someone you know (happened once).
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