SweetGirl28 Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 How's everything? Hope this day finds you well, in both body and spirit :) Keep being strong. Don't overthink. I read your post, breaking mine down. I understand everything you said completely. I still encourage you not to give up hope, as I don't think it's all lost. It will be a long journey for sure, but I'm still feeling it's her that is holding her back. Almost as if she doesn't trust herself. She's coming across as very mixed in her emotions. Until that is settled, it's a waiting game. Life would be great and easy if we could just fix everything instantly and make decisions quickly :) And Sputnik, I'll be in your corner and fight your battles! You hang in there too, there's a light at the end of every dark tunnel. You just need to keep going forward to see it:p Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Hiya darling , well firstly well done on your meet up .... honest , I am frightened for you so I have stayed away ....I don't want to be to negative nancy on your beautiful writings ...but it is what dave said ... I have also seen many have meet ups and well we all know this could either way ....so I am rooting for you more then you can know , but want you to keep your head ....which you seem to be doing xx I am following with a ray of hope an ounce of love and a touch of magik sorry bout typo' s ..are rather a few missed words ...I was just out my bed . Link to comment
Carus Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 Hi Everyone* ~ It's been a long, emotional day so just a quick update... My coach Mac MacDonald did a 20min video response to yesterdays meeting. If you would like his take on it, here is the link: Keep being strong. Don't overthink. I read your post, breaking mine down. I understand everything you said completely. I still encourage you not to give up hope, as I don't think it's all lost. It will be a long journey for sure, but I'm still feeling it's her that is holding her back. Almost as if she doesn't trust herself. She's coming across as very mixed in her emotions. Until that is settled, it's a waiting game. This is basically it....I think I've played this breakup as well as I could...the next bit will be up to her.... This is why I am trying to let go whilst still having hope...It's quite a challenge.... The accelerated grieving process after the meeting was extremely brutal and intriguing...It was like the entire last 6 weeks condensed into a few hours...Extreme highs and lows changing every 20 mins...Was quite a ride...! Saw my counselor today. I went in wanting to maybe talk about my abandonment issues and attachment, but just ended up bawling my eyes out for most of it. Tiring but necessary I guess.. He suggested that I send my loved one an email or text saying I can't have contact with her because it's still too painful....He thinks it is more authentic and would give me a sense of control over the situation.....I see his point and it is the truth, but I still don't think it's a good idea at this point....She's only just opened up communication and I kinda said all along not to contact me unless it's about reconciliation.....Which she did up until this week.... And psyche studies at Uni's don't teach reattraction of an ex.... I'm laying in bed listening to the session I did with the Shaman back in May when the marriage was basically on the rocks. I've wanted to revisit it but it's very painful to listen to. I was in such confusion and denial back then....I wish I could go back with the changes I have made and the knowledge I have now......It's painful but again very, very accurate.....It reminds me that I was not as happy as I now think I was....I was talking about moving out at that stage... I believe we could make it work now with the changes I have made and I can see things more clearly now....but she needs to shift what ever it is that's blocking her now....If only I could go back when she was still invested* :( Today was a heavy day emotionally but still productive. I got Macs video around halfway through the day and that lifted my mood a bit. He's good at putting things in a positive light which counters my negative narrative.... Anyway, I'm feeling pretty low right now but I'll hopefully bounce back from this quickly. Carus* Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Carus My friend.... I wish that I invented a time machine... Me and you bud, and many others, we would be frequent users with frequent flyer miles to the past.... Unfortunately this dream may never be a reality and altering time might never be a possibility... Thus we can only move forward and only try to correct the past in future events, which we do not know of what the future may bring us anyways... Bottom line is, we cannot correct or change the past... However, we do have a chance at the future... Reading through all your journal posts and also thank you for chiming in on my posts... I think you are on a great path to fixing your relationship... I am certain that if you continue to stay the course and keep chipping away, things will work out... You know what they say: "Squeaky wheel gets the grease".... Sometimes we have to patiently squeak in the back ground and hold on to hope, and not sacrifice our own happiness at the same time... This may be tricky... But perhaps worth the effort... Perhaps not.... Thus you should never sacrifice your own self worth for someone that does no longer wish to be with you.... Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 .It reminds me that I was not as happy as I now think I was....I was talking about moving out at that stage... I am so glad you wrote that ...for others ... because we are all guilty of it Carus my darling ....we dress things up , only remember the unicorns and rainbows and generally have a habit of forgetting it wasn't as fabulous as our pain would have us believe . Sorry you are so low xx massive hugs coming from the uk Link to comment
Piaresssss Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 I feel i too am guilty of romantasing my relationship. Think we all do that at some point. Your posts Carus are always so well crafted and such wise words with such emotion. I hope when im older i can be half the man that you are. Sputnik too. I can learn so much from you both. Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Dearest Carus, You have the heart of a lion for walking into that willingly with your ex. No matter of the eventual outcome, you can have no regrets. "The accelerated grieving process after the meeting was extremely brutal and intriguing...It was like the entire last 6 weeks condensed into a few hours...Extreme highs and lows changing every 20 mins...Was quite a ride...!" - We are all strapped into the rollercoaster with you buddy. You are right, I would also advise against sending the email to her at this point. She knows where you are, how to reach out and what you want. The ball is firmly in her court now. I watched Mac's video. He does have alot of sound points and a personable approach. Have a peaceful rest and remember that when you wake, you are still you. Be very grateful for that. Wishing on a brighter day for you. Take a stroll along the beach when you wake, if you can. What I wouldn't give to hear those rhythmic waves sometimes... Link to comment
Carus Posted January 6, 2018 Author Share Posted January 6, 2018 Hi Everyone....Another day down. Another day closer :) I think you are on a great path to fixing your relationship... I am certain that if you continue to stay the course and keep chipping away, things will work out... This is a great thing...Even if we are not optimistic at all we can ride the optimism of others...lol However I will say a little bit more about this below.... Sometimes we have to patiently squeak in the back ground and hold on to hope, and not sacrifice our own happiness at the same time... This may be tricky... Boy yes, that is indeed a tricky one.....But as with everything else it seems to get easier over time until the Hope just doesn't even matter anymore... As you say, a lot of it depends on what you make of your life in the meantime, and of course grieving the loss properly.... Thus you should never sacrifice your own self worth for someone that does no longer wish to be with you.... Despite the pain of rejection and the gravity of the loss, this^ should be the foundation on which to build everything else* I am so glad you wrote that ...for others ... because we are all guilty of it Carus my darling ....we dress things up , only remember the unicorns and rainbows and generally have a habit of forgetting it wasn't as fabulous as our pain would have us believe I know...it is an unfortunate part of our brains reaction to the situation.... I guess this is why so many people who DO get there ex back suddenly find that actually, it's not what they want anymore..... It would still be a great release from the pain though I'm sure..... I hope when im older i can be half the man that you are. Sputnik too. I can learn so much from you both. That is extremely flattering Piaresss...Thankyou* The Greatest Warriors Are Seared With Scars* I can tell you that at your age you already have a head start on me....I didn't come across any of this stuff until I was around 41... :) You have the heart of a lion for walking into that willingly with your ex. No matter of the eventual outcome, you can have no regrets. Thankyou dear Sputnik* ~ The heart of a lion...or perhaps the mind of an idiot...lol As for the regret, I will touch on that below... You are right, I would also advise against sending the email to her at this point. She knows where you are, how to reach out and what you want. The ball is firmly in her court now. Yes agreed...And as I said, most Uni trained psyches and counselors do not study the reattraction of someone once you have broken up.... What I wouldn't give to hear those rhythmic waves sometimes... Come on mate....If Piaresss can do it, so can you ;-) Journal ~ Why You Won't Get Your Ex Back....Unless....* So there are many 'Get Your Ex Back' programs out there, and they are all basically preaching the same strategy minus a few slight differences... But the one thing I have not seen in any of them is: Luck..... That's right...Despite all you do, without that ingredient you will not get your ex back... Why do I say that? Let's take a look at my breakup which has essentially been going for about 4 months now: Here are the things that I applied to my breakup from Day 1: 1) I did not beg or plead once! 2) I did not agree to the breakup but I said I would respect her decision and took my leave. 3) In the following three months she kept coming to me and we were sleeping together at times. I did not initiate any of that at all. 4) When she cut contact all together I went straight into NC and never broke it. 5) During NC I did not sit around and set about improving my life, knowledge, body and mind. 6) SHE then broke it at Xmas and New Year at which point I set up that meeting. 6) At the meeting I displayed confidence, looked good and basically did everything any of those programs suggest to do at the first meeting after NC. 7) As you have all pointed out she still cares about me and has some sort of love for me too..... This is basically the GYEB play book step by step.....So why is my ex not back in my arms? Luck.... Obviously despite all of that^, the Universe or God or Allah or whatever label you want to put on it just does not want it to happen..... I have seen people nuke their relationship into the ground, burn it and bury it and STILL get back together..... So you tell me.... Thoughts? As for me post meetup....The first 48 hours after that were as I said, pretty bloody brutal....The highs and lows just swept over me minute by minute. It was pretty bizarre and interesting I have to say.... And the last meltdown even happened today whilst driving on the freeway....(Highly NOT recommended, but hey, it comes when it comes). But since that one I have felt myself recovering rather quickly as anticipated...almost back to the point where I was before that meetup.... So the meeting didn't really garner the result that I (and we all) were hoping for..... But what it has brought up is an increasing feeling of "I have truly, truly done all I can to save that relationship. The rest is up to the Gods and I must now let go"..... And because I have already done quite a bit of letting go over the last couple of weeks, it doesn't seem like so much of a struggle now....In fact, after that meltdown, the pain level returned to the usual level of 2/10 but there is quite a feeling of calm over me tonight....It's like the pain is still there in my heart but my nervous system has settled down and I'm not getting the shaking and twitching...all that lovely stuff :) As always, let's see what tomorrow brings.... Thankyou so much to everyone* Carus* Today I am grateful for: 1) The internet and the access to a wealth of knowledge. 2) The fact I have a hot shower, a dry bed and food in my belly. Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted January 6, 2018 Share Posted January 6, 2018 I feel i too am guilty of romantasing my relationship. Think we all do that at some point. Your posts Carus are always so well crafted and such wise words with such emotion. I hope when im older i can be half the man that you are. Sputnik too. I can learn so much from you both. Hey, what about meee?? Do you ever want to be half the woman I am?? Lol I'm teasing you :welcoming: Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted January 6, 2018 Share Posted January 6, 2018 Carus! Yes, it's on her. You keep pushing forward and hopefully she's doing a lot of changing, and thinking. You left a positive memory from meeting up, and it's out of your hands for the time being. I hope it drives her insane you aren't making contact. Please take a nice, warm swim for me! And walk barefoot in the warm sand, leaving imprints. I'm freezing my buns off here in the not so good ole' USofA. East coast........my blood and bones can't take this snow and negative temps anymore! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr Link to comment
Carus Posted January 6, 2018 Author Share Posted January 6, 2018 Hey, what about meee?? Do you ever want to be half the woman I am?? Lol I'm teasing you :welcoming: I tell you what SweetGirl...If you were here in Oz, boy we could have some fun! :) Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted January 6, 2018 Share Posted January 6, 2018 I tell you what SweetGirl...If you were here in Oz, boy we could have some fun! :) I love fun! And the beach! And good company! Which you can provide, so......*booking flight* lol A happy day for me only needs three things: a good friend to spend time with, warm sun on my shoulders, and coffee!! Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted January 6, 2018 Share Posted January 6, 2018 I'm with Sweetgirl on those 3 things.. However, living in the U.K, I can't remember what #2 feels like!! Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted January 6, 2018 Share Posted January 6, 2018 I'm with Sweetgirl on those 3 things.. However, living in the U.K, I can't remember what #2 feels like!! I can't either! Not since October!! And won't until at least May, so me thinks it's time to fly to the warm weather! You coming?? Link to comment
Piaresssss Posted January 6, 2018 Share Posted January 6, 2018 Hey, what about meee?? Do you ever want to be half the woman I am?? Lol I'm teasing you :welcoming: Haha that made me laugh. Maybe in another life. You are welcome Carus, just saying how i feel. Its all life lessons to take forward. Gotta go with Sputnik on the weather, has not been sun here in what feels like years. On the other hand I do love the rain. Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted January 6, 2018 Share Posted January 6, 2018 Hello dear Carus, I hope you made it to the beach today It is true, as you know, you have played this by the book..there is nothing you can do at this juncture, but know that the world will decide now, it always does. Sorry to hear about your motorway meltdown! I know they can come on at any minute, and that you are on the road alot, but make sure you take the greatest care of yourself! One thing that sticks out; "So the meeting didn't really garner the result that I (and we all) were hoping for....." As you asked for the meet and you haven't seen her for a while, the meet did go well and the final result is still unknown . If you were to get to get back together, properly, then the beach meet would only have been the first brick in the whole wall... Know, this though, we will be with you every step of the way. Enjoy the calm and I hope you have a wonderful Sunday my friend. No dreams or nightmares. S x Link to comment
Carus Posted January 7, 2018 Author Share Posted January 7, 2018 I love fun! And the beach! And good company! Which you can provide, so......*booking flight* lol A happy day for me only needs three things: a good friend to spend time with, warm sun on my shoulders, and coffee!! I can provide all 3...You just let me know... I hope you made it to the beach today Well since you say that, and I can see that everyone else is enduring winter, I will go now "So the meeting didn't really garner the result that I (and we all) were hoping for....." As you asked for the meet and you haven't seen her for a while, the meet did go well and the final result is still unknown . If you were to get to get back together, properly, then the beach meet would only have been the first brick in the whole wall... Know, this though, we will be with you every step of the way. Thanks Sputnik* ~ As you well know it is easy to lose all Hope when you are in the situation.... And the actual truth is, even though chances are slim, we just don't know..... Enjoy the calm and I hope you have a wonderful Sunday my friend. lol....Nice* No dreams or nightmares. Unfortunately the dreams this morning were not so good Hope everyone has a good and productive day* Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 Hey Carus, Keep the hope alive mate.. always! Just had to say, it's funny about the Dreams or Nightmares comment.. I need to follow my own advice! Had another stinker last night.. lol Enjoy your day my friend :) Link to comment
Carus Posted January 8, 2018 Author Share Posted January 8, 2018 Thanks Sputnik* ~ Hope you're gettin' along* Didn't really sleep last night and had a down day today so I am extremely tired now! There's nothing really different going on here.....Just wanted to check in.... Looking forward to Bali on Friday....My ex and I had so many amazing, amazing adventures up there so it will be a little tough flying with the empty seat next to me this tiime, but I'm going to continue going there over the next years so it will get easier every time I go.... Hope everyone is well Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Dear Carus, It must be catching.. my day was pretty ropey too! :/ Keep being you mate and the stars will align to kick start an amazing period in your life.. I can sense it. Perhaps this trip to Bali comes at an opportune time too! How long are you away for? I will still require my *Carus fix! Hoping for a better day for you tomorrow.. Need to update the journal as something has now switched in me, for sure.. Sleep well. S x Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 I'm jumping in the boat with you guys, my day isn't so good either, lol :( Carus, I'm hoping that empty seat is filled by a person who is intriguing, beautiful, smart, funny, and great company for the flight ! Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Sweets is definitely on my wavelength.. I was also wandering who would be in this "empty" seat! Could be a very lucky girl Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted January 8, 2018 Share Posted January 8, 2018 Sweets is definitely on my wavelength.. I was also wandering who would be in this "empty" seat! Could be a very lucky girl Hey, maybe I'm your sistah from another mistah !!!! Lol She would be lucky too, right? Carus is charming, educated, I'm guessing soft spoken?? And he's buff too! By his own admittance, haha Link to comment
Carus Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 Yes I am softly spoken and probably not so 'buff'...perhaps more athletic/toned :-) Journal ~ Day 5 of Renewed NC* It's definitely set me back and mornings continue to drill me....But I think I'm starting to feel back to about maybe where I was 2 weeks before that meetup, so that's not too bad. In my darker moments I feel so weak and frustrated by the whole experience. One of my brothers, who drinks way too much, got angry at me again tonight. I've always been his shining light and to see me so broken just upsets him I guess... He rang tonight and asked how I was going. When I told him it was up and down he said "Oh Really...!?" like he was almost expecting me to be fine.... I told him about the meetup and he got pretty angry....at her and at me.... I know it's frustrating, not least of all for me, and I'm making a conscience effort to not talk to anyone about it now....The danger in that though is that I start to withdraw and internalize it because I feel judged and that perhaps they're right....perhaps I should be over it by now.......but I'm not.... In fact, I'm feeling pretty numb right now...just flat ya know? That is a big reason I am so grateful for this forum.... People around us who are not going through it nor understand the real workings of grief are quick to turn their backs on you and even get angry or attack you....Which as I said, can be very dangerous to the person going through it.... So yeh, it is great skills you are all honing here....Understanding, Compassion and Patience* My eldest stepson was tagging me on FB again today so I reached out to him to see if he wanted to catch up...he said he would like that.....so I will try and make that happen. I need to connect with the younger boy too perhaps...sounds like he's going off the rails quite badly...he's crying out for something and I bet I know what that is :( I saw a lady today I haven't seen for a while...She asked how my wife is...*sigh*....She was very disappointed when I told her.... I will be flying out to Bali on Friday and have so much to do before then, starting with getting out of bed on time tomorrow ;-) Hope you are all staying warm and have a good day today* Carus* Link to comment
Piaresssss Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 Evening Carus or good morning not sure how far you are ahead. If you have been a shinning light to your brother, of course seeing you this way is going to upset him.When i see my brother in pain it shakes me to my core. It hurts seeing someone in pain that you cannot fix. That might be the reason for his anger. "I know it's frustrating, not least of all for me, and I'm making a conscience effort to not talk to anyone about it now....The danger in that though is that I start to withdraw and internalize it because I feel judged and that perhaps they're right....perhaps Ishouldbe over it by now.......but I'm not...." I have come to realise that people that judge you dont really know what you have been through. A guy i work with was an ****hole to me when i got dumped. Then he got dumped and his attitude immediately changed. You find who your real friends are in times of need. Those that care will not judge you. It takes as long as it takes to get over it brother. Dont ever think its taking to long. One day at a time. And your fear of being judged. Who cares what others think. I dont. You shouldn't. The only view that really matters when it comes to how you feel is your own. I think it is wonderfull you are still a part of your stepkids life. Just shows what a great guy you are. A lesser man wpuld of bailed on them. My stepdad has been in my life for 21 years amd he is a wonderdul man. And it always seems like there is one person left to tell doesn't it. You think everyone knows then so and so pops up who you then have to tell. Hope you have a great day, stay strong brother. Link to comment
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