sputnik123 Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 Yes I am softly spoken and probably not so 'buff'...perhaps more athletic/toned :-) Journal ~ Day 5 of Renewed NC* It's definitely set me back and mornings continue to drill me....But I think I'm starting to feel back to about maybe where I was 2 weeks before that meetup, so that's not too bad. In my darker moments I feel so weak and frustrated by the whole experience. One of my brothers, who drinks way too much, got angry at me again tonight. I've always been his shining light and to see me so broken just upsets him I guess... He rang tonight and asked how I was going. When I told him it was up and down he said "Oh Really...!?" like he was almost expecting me to be fine.... I told him about the meetup and he got pretty angry....at her and at me.... I know it's frustrating, not least of all for me, and I'm making a conscience effort to not talk to anyone about it now....The danger in that though is that I start to withdraw and internalize it because I feel judged and that perhaps they're right....perhaps I should be over it by now.......but I'm not.... In fact, I'm feeling pretty numb right now...just flat ya know? That is a big reason I am so grateful for this forum.... People around us who are not going through it nor understand the real workings of grief are quick to turn their backs on you and even get angry or attack you....Which as I said, can be very dangerous to the person going through it.... So yeh, it is great skills you are all honing here....Understanding, Compassion and Patience* My eldest stepson was tagging me on FB again today so I reached out to him to see if he wanted to catch up...he said he would like that.....so I will try and make that happen. I need to connect with the younger boy too perhaps...sounds like he's going off the rails quite badly...he's crying out for something and I bet I know what that is :( I saw a lady today I haven't seen for a while...She asked how my wife is...*sigh*....She was very disappointed when I told her.... I will be flying out to Bali on Friday and have so much to do before then, starting with getting out of bed on time tomorrow ;-) Hope you are all staying warm and have a good day today* Carus* Brother Carus, Congrats on the 5 days detox.. it's been a privilege to journey with you so far. You have taught me so much. The getting back to where you were 2 weeks ago is not too shabby. What you experienced last week was always going to shake it up a little (or alot!) It's interesting you mentioned your brother.. I am close to my 2 older sisters and they are quite protective over me.. One lives in the same town and I am pretty sure my ex has been "warned off" contacting me, when it all blew up in November. I don't know that for a fact and I haven't asked, but it would not surprise me. This being said, I try not to talk too much about it with my family or friends, for fear that they may not fully understand. That is why this forum is such a godsend. You are right though, I bet your brother has always looked up to you and held you in the highest regard, so it must be difficult for him to see you going through a tough time. One thing for sure though, families do stick together when needed. I know about the numb feeling all too well buddy. As we have discussed, it's the mark of a true man who is looking to keep in contact with these step kids. One of the saddest aspects of my split was that the kids were starting to get on great. There is no way that her daughters wouldn't have asked to see my son. Who knows what they were told... Yes, being asked how the "ex" is hits a nerve doesn't it! :( One thing for sure is that you are a whole lot warmer than us U.K folk!! I may be starting a log fire in the bedroom soon! lol I am really looking forward to those Bali updates too ;P Stay safe my friend. Link to comment
Carus Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 Thanks again Sputnik, and everyone who is helping me* The last 24 hours were Bru-tal...! I won't get into the details of how dark it got but it was pretty bad! This was definitely a relapse after her little guilt relieving visit last week :-/ I have to say, I'm still getting the normal flood of memories every day, but most of the time they are different memories...Almost like the grief wants to squeeze EVERY darn drop of it out of me....I've remembered even the tiniest of things....! I guess we did a lot of stuff in those 5 years* Thankfully it has eased up again now which is a reminder ~ It does pass* Flying tomorrow and really looking forward to it....Not sure if I mentioned it but we're going to a 2 day seminar by one of the Indian spiritual Masters and I'm really looking forward to seeing what comes of that....and of course some surf will be a bonus :) I'll have internet up there so will check in once I'm settled.... I'm so very proud of everyone here. It shows the integrity of us all. We are all growing in strength and our exs really have missed out here I believe. Breakups happen every day, but the fact that we are here and doing the heavy lifting now and all the work, while our ex's are out partying or throwing themselves into over working or rebounding is really going to come to the fore as time goes on.... Of that I am sure* Namaste' Carus* Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 I'm sorry :( On the bright side, you get to have a nice vacation and make new memories. I hope you have a lot of fun, but most importantly, a safe flight. I'm sending you virtual hugs, cheek kisses(both cheeks cuz I'm Italian lol) and warm, happy thoughts Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Thanks again Sputnik, and everyone who is helping me* The last 24 hours were Bru-tal...! I won't get into the details of how dark it got but it was pretty bad! This was definitely a relapse after her little guilt relieving visit last week I have to say, I'm still getting the normal flood of memories every day, but most of the time they are different memories...Almost like the grief wants to squeeze EVERY darn drop of it out of me....I've remembered even the tiniest of things....! I guess we did a lot of stuff in those 5 years* Thankfully it has eased up again now which is a reminder ~ It does pass* Flying tomorrow and really looking forward to it....Not sure if I mentioned it but we're going to a 2 day seminar by one of the Indian spiritual Masters and I'm really looking forward to seeing what comes of that....and of course some surf will be a bonus I'll have internet up there so will check in once I'm settled.... I'm so very proud of everyone here. It shows the integrity of us all. We are all growing in strength and our exs really have missed out here I believe. Breakups happen every day, but the fact that we are here and doing the heavy lifting now and all the work, while our ex's are out partying or throwing themselves into over working or rebounding is really going to come to the fore as time goes on.... Of that I am sure* Namaste' Carus* Dearest Carus, With you every step of the way.. you know that We've taken a few knocks along the way, but still fighting the good fight! Remember, in the darkest moments, how strong you are and how appreciative you will be the day that the light shines at you like a beacon, smiling down. That day is not far away, believe that. I think a few days in Bali will do you the world of good. As your man on You Tube said in his segment with you, make sure you make notes on the Indian spirit guru, just in case ;p Really looking forward to your updates from the island paradise.. you will have a wonderful time! They may not let you leave Am very proud to share these challenging and insightful (albeit, sadder) times with you. Have a safe flight and speak soon. Best, S x Link to comment
Carus Posted January 12, 2018 Author Share Posted January 12, 2018 I'm at the airport waiting to board. Triggers everywhere. We went on so many amazing adventures from here... Always lots of girls at airports but you know what? The connection I had with my wife, the similarities, the core values etc, it will take me an age to find that again...but I will search... It's hard to understand and I read it all the time... When we find someone like that, WHY is it not enough to maintain the relationship?? Us humans have done a great job of really messing up deep bond, long lasting, vintage love.... Venting Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted January 12, 2018 Share Posted January 12, 2018 "Always lots of girls at airports but you know what? The connection I had with my wife, the similarities, the core values etc, it will take me an age to find that again...but I will search..." You don't need to search brother.. it will find you, when the time is right. Keep being you Link to comment
dave4443 Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 Enjoy Bali! It will definitely be warmer than the UK since we've just been hit by more freezing temperatures -_- You're bouncing back much quicker than last time just remember that so in a way you can see you are healing much better. And Sputnik is right you don't need to search it will just happen. I decided to give up on dating and trying to 'replace' the hole I felt in November and just by chance met an amazing girl a few weeks ago, so it will happen when you least expect it. You will be perfectly happy again one day with or without your ex, and it'll be her that's missing out. Link to comment
Carus Posted January 13, 2018 Author Share Posted January 13, 2018 Thankyou to everyone* I'm ok but I seem to get to a certain level (Pain level 2) and that is where it sits. Hope to bust through that at some point. I'm sick of walking around with that stone in my chest! Had a good day today and Day 1 of the seminar was pretty amazing. A lot of the insights we already know of and most of the rest of it I would agree with. Pretty amazing that there is around 2000 people here for this! And a lot of them have pain for various reasons and are seeking healing. I think the biggest thing I have taken from it so far is I need to incorporate proper meditation into my daily life. I will try but as I've mentioned before, as frustrated as I am, there is still that part of me that just doesn't want to let go... because that pain is the last remaining connection to her... But let go I must...and eventually will* Also as mentioned, this is my first trip back to Indonesia without her so that's a little tough, but next time I come, it won't be. There is a friend of my friend here. Me and her have a lot of chemistry for sure. She touches me a lot and the body language is all there, but she has a partner. Dang it..! lol My thoughts go out to those who are suffering the cold too. Be Strong. Be Patient. Carus* Link to comment
dave4443 Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 The chemistry is a good sign that ladies still want you so good for you Link to comment
Carus Posted January 13, 2018 Author Share Posted January 13, 2018 My friend, I've never had a problem with that... It just took me 42 years to find that one that I connected with so deeply I married her.... Still, back to the old drawing board I guess.... Hope you're doing good buddy* Carus* Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 My friend, I've never had a problem with that... It just took me 42 years to find that one that I connected with so deeply I married her.... Still, back to the old drawing board I guess.... Hope you're doing good buddy* Carus* I'm sorry :( but hey with 2,000 people there, you just may find a spark :love-struck: I'm feeling pain. Again too. I was good, until trying to date again. Then the hurt hit all over again. It's been 6 months, 4 since I've seen him, couple weeks NC. I just can't find what I want. Wth, am I supposed to keep going on all these first dates and not want any second ones? Sooooooooo frustrating. Kinda stinks when the last one was instant chemistry :( I'm glad you've arrived there safely. Try to relax, and I hope your pain lessens. Link to comment
dave4443 Posted January 13, 2018 Share Posted January 13, 2018 My friend, I've never had a problem with that... It just took me 42 years to find that one that I connected with so deeply I married her.... Still, back to the old drawing board I guess.... Hope you're doing good buddy* Carus* I know what you mean it's the worst part, but someone like you will definitely find someone they connect with like that again. Especially on all these seminar and spiritual trips you're going on :) keep going you're doing great x Link to comment
Carus Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 Thanks Dave for the encouraging words. Hope you're doin' good* Journal - Day 2 of the Seminar* Got more out of today than yesterday. An amazing environment to be in with so many people seeking peace. One lady asked the Guru, through tears, how to quell the pain in her heart after losing her son around a year ago. That really tugged at me. I thought "My God. That poor woman has been living with that same pain that I have for a year!" After the session had ended I went to her, took her hand and said "I'm so sorry. I really feel for you. I know that pain ".... She thanked me and we parted. I felt the tears coming and went to the toilets to let it go... Had lunch with my friend and her friend and yep, that chemistry is still definitely there... They then left, my friend is on her way back to Oz and I am alone... Bali really is paradise on earth. Bit tough watching happy couples walking hand in hand along the beach and frolicking in the water. It will be me again one day... I joined some guys in a couple of games of beach volleyball and then swam in the warm tropical ocean. This sounds great I know but there is still that noticeable void walking next to me. Here's a little piece for the ever hopeful SweetGirl* - I took some beautiful pics of some birds and flowers and posted them on FB, and yes, got a 'Like' from 'her'... Nice but means nothing really I guess. I think she's convinced herself that I'm fine and we're friends... At the buffet dinner I spoke briefly with a gorgeous girl from Russia. She passed the name test... Always makes me feel a bit better. Then smoked a cigarette on the beach in the warm night air. The pain level is down and she's still in my thoughts way too much, but overall I'm feeling serene tonight. Getting there, day by day, inch by inch. Hope you are all doing ok. Love to you all. Carus* Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Dear Carus, I'm sure those pics are beautiful. She hit "like", I know it seems meaningless to you, but believe me you've now got her thoughts on you. Don't for a minute think she's not reflecting back on your adventures there together. It's always said a part of bringing back the "feel good" times is by sending pictures that invoke positive memories of happy times. Hang in there. I know you hurt, but remember each day is new, and a chance for growth, new opportunities, and hopefully filled with some laughs and smiles. Link to comment
Carus Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 Thankyou Darling* Namasté from the Island of the Gods* x Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Dearest Carus, I'm glad to hear that you are having a good time In gorgeous Bali! "I think the biggest thing I have taken from it so far is I need to incorporate proper meditation into my daily life. I will try but as I've mentioned before, as frustrated as I am, there is still that part of me that just doesn't want to let go... because that pain is the last remaining connection to her..." - That is perfectly understandable.. you need to feel the pain, as you know. After the last 2 weeks, it will be as fresh as ever. "One lady asked the Guru, through tears, how to quell the pain in her heart after losing her son around a year ago. " - There literally couldn't be anything worse than that and puts everything in perspective. "Had lunch with my friend and her friend and yep, that chemistry is still definitely there" - Still got it my man "Here's a little piece for the ever hopeful SweetGirl* - I took some beautiful pics of some birds and flowers and posted them on FB, and yes, got a 'Like' from 'her'..." - You are definitely in the minority in still being a "FB friend" with the recent ex.. take that as a positive (as well as the "like"...) "At the buffet dinner I spoke briefly with a gorgeous girl from Russia. She passed the name test... Always makes me feel a bit better. Then smoked a cigarette on the beach in the warm night air. " - As earlier above ;p "I think she's convinced herself that I'm fine and we're friends..." - We shouldn't/can't second guess. If it's meant to be, then one day, it will be again. Serene is a nice place to be my friend.. Sleep well. S x Link to comment
Piaresssss Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Great that bali is going great. My brother may actually be moving there for work. Glad that you are feeling better even if the pain isnt totally gone. I do envy this spirituality that you have seems like a very positive way of dealing with the pain. With these ladies as well. Back in the game it seems. Makes me happy your feeling happier Link to comment
Carus Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 Thanks Guys* Piaresss - I'm so sorry to disappoint you but I feel I need to keep it real and be honest... I'm not happy, not at all... I'm actually depressed as hell and still bursting into tears at random times... Some might say I'm clinically depressed but knowing the difference between grief and depression, I'm not so sure. But I'm just going through the motions. Each day folds into the next and my life is just on autopilot.... I'm only 7 weeks out though and just over a week out from when she lobbed her final grenade over the fence.... So I will stumble along in the darkness... Happiness might catch up later... But as you know, I'm doing what I can. Should be a lot better by June/July though... ;-) Carus* Link to comment
Piaresssss Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 You havent dissopointed me in any way so please dont feel you have. Honesty and openness when we are at the most vulnerable i feel is a beautiful thing so please be proud of that. Whats this about happiness might catch you up. There is no might about it. You are gonna be happy again. Im not sure of alot but that I am sure of. A guy as great as you will be happy. June/july cant come soon enough then can it. Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Am with Piaresssss on this one. Your honesty and vulnerability is what makes you the man you are. How on earth would so many people on here who have never met you be so sure of this otherwise? :) Let's face it, you are basically near the start of another NC period, which resets each time there is anything between you.. NC has practically saved me from self-destruction. The only thing you will need from here is the one thing no-one can give you and you know that. T.I.M.E (without the pesky grenades!) However, whilst this is doing it's work, you carry on, with everyone's love, as best you can. You have had a remarkable journey so far. I believe that you will be happy alot sooner that you think. S x Link to comment
Carus Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 Let's face it, you are basically near the start of another NC period, which resets each time there is anything between you.....I believe that you will be happy alot sooner that you think. God I hope so Sputnik. I can't live like this much longer :-/ Today was...well....not good. I stayed in bed far too long although I found a really bizarre healing meditation video on YouTube which I listened to a couple of times... It's really trippy but I found it hard to turn it off...! I finally got up and wandered down to the beach. Spent most of the day just hanging out down there reading my book and eating... Bought a nice necklace made from small round rocks from Indonesias large volcano, Mount Agung. I'm hoping it brings me some healing and strength. But then it came... Obsessive thoughts about sending her a casual FB message asking how she and the boys are doing.... Is NC the right thing to be doing? Is she actually wanting me to make the next move??? I spent hours fighting with it. There were things that didn't help. Two Balinese guys telling me to just talk slowly with her, and a friend of mine who actually reached out to his ex and it looks like they're going to get back together! In talking she said to my friend that she felt she was doing too much of the contacting...! arrrgh..!! I spent 2-3 hours on the net reading NC stories... Why to break it. Why not to break it. Success stories and non-success stories.... God help me! I'm really broken over this and at wits end with it... Somehow I managed to refrain and feeling a bit better now.... But still, this is NO way to be spending precious holiday time!! I will try to have a better day tomorrow because I return home the day after that.... The meditation and healing tools I am putting in place seem to be working on my heart at least as the pain level seems to be right down at the moment. I'm trying so hard but just can't seem to move past it... I know more time is obviously needed and everyone says it will get better but I just don't know. My heart just seems to think we're s'posed to be together, but not being able to do anything about it, or not knowing if I'm doing the right thing is slowly killing me.... NC is slowly killing me... I'm so sorry this can't be more of a positive post and if it frustrates anyone. It just seems to go on and on and on.... I've heard people say "It will stop when you decide you have had enough" but I've tried that and I HAVE had enough...but still it goes on :( I guess this is how it is when you truly, truly loved somebody with your whole heart, mind, body and soul.... This is obviously not going to resolve overnight but I'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm not over it but I'm certainly over not being over it....:-@ Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 Dear Carus, I am off out this evening, but just wanted to tell you 2 things before I leave... Do not press the "reset" button again now..just don't do it. The ball is in her court. We all love you here man.. stay strong! Ever forwards Link to comment
Carus Posted January 15, 2018 Author Share Posted January 15, 2018 Thanks Sputnik. Roger that....! Good way of putting it...* Have a good evening. Carus* Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 OMG!!! You know what??? Do it!!! You being not certain whether or not to reach out shows you really think it's in your favor to do so. I'll tell you honestly, if someone doesn't look for me, I'm not looking for them either, lol. If I feel I put effort in and it's not equal, I wait for the other person to make the next move. She reached out to you first, you replied, she agreed to hang out, you parted ways. Now NC. She might be thinking you aren't interested, she might not be interested. So many uncertainties here, but some risks are worth taking. Even getting a final answer when it isn't what you want, is worth it to get over the unknowns. So I have such a girly idea. Buy her a trinket from the island, like a necklace or something personal like that, and when you return, if you still have this feeling, contact her to meet up again and give it to her. You know what I'm thinking? She knows you are away, she liked your fb pics, but didn't message you. I'd bet she's feeling a bit of remorse because if she wasn't, she would have said something. Wished you a good time, hope you're relaxing, what beautiful pics.....something, anything. The fact she didn't shows she's not indifferent towards you. You might take my advice and then want to disown me if it doesn't go in your favor, lol, but damn I just have to say it like I see it. My honesty can be unappreciated sometimes, and I don't want to cause you, nor anyone, intentional pain. Ever. I just really feel there's something here. Link to comment
dave4443 Posted January 15, 2018 Share Posted January 15, 2018 I agree with sweet girl here. It seems like the thing tearing you apart is not knowing whether to reach out or not so I think you just should. The worst thing that can happen is she isn't interested but she's broken up with you once and you've dealt with it very well, if that's the case it won't be anywhere near as painful as the first time ( will still be hard don't get me wrong ). If you do it though at least the what if's will be gone from your mind and you can move forward knowing there's nothing you can do :) ( maybe wait until you get back though don't waste your last day waiting for a reply ) Link to comment
.thumb.jpeg.44db4c04df92b9d233296a0149430b4d.jpeg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.