Dreams and Nightmares*

[Makeit]

Mornings killl me too Carus. And trust me. I know the thougts youre having.....i know. Today I helped coach a firearms class tht I do once a month. I love it. I found myself laughing and teaching and discussing the topics on hand and didnt think anout my ex once. Then when it was over and I was just happy for the day it hit me....hurts so bad. Why is it that we are going thru this and find a moment of peace or happiness we realize they are gone and we cant share it with them. It crushes me.

 

Hang in there man. Long work days are the worst. But I think youre at a good place now. The same place I am probably at which I guess I shouldnt say is good, In fact horrible is a better term but our minds are starting to see things better. We are not so tricked into seeing things as we want but how they are. Maybe now starts the true healing process.

[Ian4996]

 

 

Craig Kenneth says when your ex wants you back, they ALWAYS find a way to reach out to you. I find it hard to believe though. How many times we've seen cases where a person wants to say something to another and never does? How many sons wanted to apologise or forgive their parents and never did? Only to know now they're dead and that choice is not even possible anymore? How many people were really interested in another and never said anything? How many friends never reunited for being too scared to take action? happens a lot... So you can at least rest assured this won't happen to you. It will be a good feeling in the long run, trust me. It's incredibly liberating and for some of us, even more powerful than just NC and walking away for good.

 

I'm no expert but I can see a lot of sense in that. If you've done a long no contact, then your ex may be thinking 'he's obviously no longer interested'. So even if she was interested herself, she wouldn't reach out because she'd feel there was no chance of it being reciprocated.

 

By showing her that you do still have an interest in her, you're ensuring that if she is interested in reconciliation, she will reach out to you.

 

It may or may not work, but I'd definitely say that I'd have done the same as you, Carus, for the reasons above.

[Carus]

Hi Ian* ~ Welcome to Club Carus* :)

By showing her that you do still have an interest in her, you're ensuring that if she is interested in reconciliation, she will reach out to you.

 

It may or may not work, but I'd definitely say that I'd have done the same as you, Carus, for the reasons above.

Thanks for your thoughts, and I agree. We did have that period of about 6 weeks of NC and I think that is important. Then she broke it at xmas/new year....

 

Then for the reasons you and others have stated I had the thoughts that I had to do at least some of the initiating....

 

Because we all get very stoic in NC this involves having to let go of some ego and pride, and MOST importantly, you need to be healed enough.

 

Obviously I'm not 100% but I seem to be getting better slowly....Probably have some bad days to get through yet, and mornings continue to crush me. Dear Sputnik has some good ideas about getting up and doing exercise first thing...Gonna try and implement that.....

 

I don't feel too bad about that last meeting initiated by me. By taking off the stoic NC 'Get Her Back' mask and just being open and authentic with her whilst still remaining emotionally centered seems to have released a bit of pain and frustration in me.....for now. We'll see how it goes as the days and weeks and months roll on from here, but I also agree that you are right....The stage is set. The lights are on. The audience is seated....S'just the stoopid actress hasn't turned up yet ;-)

 

Ok everyone so I've just spent the last few hours with my youngest stepson. We had a great time and I could tell he loved being with me. I gave him the volcanic rock bracelet I bought him in Bali....

 

He wanted to see my apartment so we came here and hung out for a bit. Then hit the gym together then went to the cafe for pizza! :)

 

Some things that were said that are ex related were:

 

She is not seeing anyone and he was abhorred by the idea of her getting another boyfriend lol....That was after I'd said "I hope you guys get on with her next boyfriend like we have"....He did not like that idea at all! basically he wants us back as a family unit...but I guess all kids go through that initially. Nice though seeing that I'm not actually his father* (He talked about how he used to love the camping trips I used to take them on down on the South coast).

 

He said she is still very confused and trying to work out what she wants to do with her life...and that includes me.

 

She is not particularly happy and is just trying to stay busy so she doesn't have to think about stuff....

 

But also I found out that the house mate she got after I moved out has also moved out...So she is back to covering the entire rent by herself.

 

When I found that out I felt angry!! So now because of this ridiculous situation, between us we are paying $890 AUD a week in rent!! * That's enough to be paying off our own place....Grrrrr.....

 

Still hey, it is what it is......

 

I let him know that if he ever really needs me he knows where I am....He suggested twice getting together again soon.

 

Whilst I was driving him to work he got a text from his mum....It read "Are you on your way to work. What did you guys get up too?"

 

He sent back "Yes we're on the way. You know Carus is reliable. We went to the gym and then had pizza!"

 

She sent back "Yes I knew he would get you there on time :) See you at 5pm x"

 

So guys there you have it....The couple that should be together, but isn't....

 

Emotionally I feel ok at the moment and as others have said, perhaps I'll start to heal a bit more now. I find the whole situation ridiculous and frustrating, but I will now continue working on letting it go and take care of myself,...and especially my heart

 

If I am to do anything further it will be some weeks/months...I need to heal this gaping wound*

=============================================================================================================

 

For anyone reading this and now contemplating breaking NC, please consider your emotional and mental state of mind first. If you are still reeling from the rejection and breakup I STRONGLY suggest you do a bit more time in NC....

 

To understand why I have done what I have you would have to go back and read this entire thread and consider my situation and the opportunities that were presented to me...

 

Also please consider that despite everything I HAVE done, we did not get back together either*

 

Ralph Smart has a good video about 'Healing Yourself Emotionally and Mentally'....He lays out 10 points which I am going to incorporate into my action plan...

 

Well I think I'll go lay on the beach for a bit before work....

 

So many thanks again to everyone here who has supported me, advised me and debated options along the way. And also those that remained hopeful even when all hope was gone for me....It's been some ride!

 

You all ROCK! Seriously :)

 

Namaste'.

Carus*

[Silverbirch]

AWWW, the poor Bub. Please don't make cracks about the next boyfriend too him. He's obviously missing you.

[Carus]

Thanks SilverBirch* - I didn't mean for it to be a 'crack'. He'll just have to deal with that reality when it happens I guess*

 

I do hope she chooses wisely*

 

C*

[sputnik123]

Dearest Carus,

 

I am so glad you had a nice time with one of the step sons. Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship. I think her Mum will reach out soon, but carry on doing what you are doing.. Let it happen.

 

"Emotionally I feel ok at the moment and as others have said, perhaps I'll start to heal a bit more now. I find the whole situation ridiculous and frustrating, but I will now continue working on letting it go and take care of myself,...and especially my heart

 

We will all be here with you every step of the way. Rest assured.

 

"Because we all get very stoic in NC this involves having to let go of some ego and pride, and MOST importantly, you need to be healed enough."

 

AND

 

"For anyone reading this and now contemplating breaking NC, please consider your emotional and mental state of mind first. If you are still reeling from the rejection and breakup I STRONGLY suggest you do a bit more time in NC...."

 

Both soooo true. My NC looks indefinite at the moment, for sure.

 

I hope the beach was lovely and work isn't too bad!

 

Will be back later.

 

S x

[SweetGirl28]

Happy to hear the visit was nice.

Your ex being in limbo shows she hasnt been doing well without you. The grass is not greener for her.

If she had gotten herself to a good place without you, and felt confident and assured, she most

likely would have tried to get back together already. She sounds like she has quite a way to go to be in any

position to know what it is she wants.

 

Hang in there, sounds as if you're more accepting this week on moving forward and being okay with

what comes of it, which shows you are healing. It's better for you, no matter how this situation turns out

[Silverbirch]

"I didn't mean for it to be a 'crack'. He'll just have to deal with that reality when it happens I guess "

 

This makes me feel guilty. I left my sons father when he was 7 - but COMPLETELY different circumstances to yours. (My ex is gay - now ooenly living as gay man with a partner) It was heartbreaking for all of us. Apart from being gay - my husband was just right for me in most ways. I wish I could have spared the pain my son went through with the separation. Many, many years have passed. My son is now an adult and has turned out very well eventually. Obviously, this boy sees you as his father, and it will be a huge blow to him. Even if your wife meets somebody else, the bonding that boy had with you in those formative years are hugely significant to him. The age he is now is also is also very very important to his development, and I hope that you will be able to continue to have a close relationship.

[SweetGirl28]

"I didn't mean for it to be a 'crack'. He'll just have to deal with that reality when it happens I guess "

 

This makes me feel guilty. I left my sons father when he was 7 - but COMPLETELY different circumstances to yours. (My ex is gay - now ooenly living as gay man with a partner) It was heartbreaking for all of us. Apart from being gay - my husband was just right for me in most ways. I wish I could have spared the pain my son went through with the separation. Many, many years have passed. My son is now an adult and has turned out very well eventually. Obviously, this boy sees you as his father, and it will be a huge blow to him. Even if your wife meets somebody else, the bonding that boy had with you in those formative years are hugely significant to him. The age he is now is also is also very very important to his development, and I hope that you will be able to continue to have a close relationship.

 

Sorry to hear this :( but happy your son turned out just fine.

 

I too left my daughters dad, she's better without him. Diagnosed narcissist who turned our lives upside

down and still doesn't quit. She's 14, a couple more years we can write him out of our lives forever. I

have full custody of her but he just can't stop ruining everything in life for both of us.

 

I agree , hope they keep the bond also . So many say an ex means cutting off all relationships, but that is

not always good. The boys are old enough to decide if they want to maintain contact should this fail, and

I do believe the ex in this case would not prevent it. Of course it would be a decision Carus would have to

be comfortable with as well.

[Carus]

Hi Darlings*

 

I'm sorry if today triggered some stuff for you. I'm sure you did what was right for you at the time as my ex has done.

 

My caregiver coined the phrase 'Pinning the Tail on the Donkey '.

 

This means that she was blaming our relationship for her misery. But now we are coming to see that now we're broken up, life is still not a bed of roses for her...and in some ways worse*

 

They will all be fine I'm sure and the boys know where I am if they really need me.

 

As I am now heading back into NC again I doubt I'll hear from anyone for a long time to come and in the meantime my healing will continue.

 

I'm sure I will one day come to peace with the whole affair.

 

Love n Light

Carus*

[Beetie]

Your ex being in limbo shows she hasnt been doing well without you. The grass is not greener for her.

If she had gotten herself to a good place without you, and felt confident and assured, she most

likely would have tried to get back together already. She sounds like she has quite a way to go to be in any

position to know what it is she wants.

 

Dear Carus,

 

I totally agree with SweetGirl's assessment of your ex. It sounds like she simply doesn't know what she wants. I never had the impression there was anyone else in the picture. Rather that she just doesn't seem to have the time between her boys, covering rent and stocking the fridge to go about the self-improvement that you have. And her seeing how far you've come maybe intimidates her (it would me, if I myself was feeling directionless) so she feels even worse that she would never be able to meet you half-way even if she wanted to, which at this point she seems to not know if she wants to. You haven't shared other details of her background for us to try to put ourselves in her shoes, so only you can assess why she seems to have hit this roadblock at this time in her life.

 

I dont think it was the wrong move to meet her and letting her know how you felt, but the next move if there is one has to be hers now for sure. She has to know what she wants and that its you she wants on her own from here. I hope dearly that it works out for you and her decision will be in your favour. I will say loving someone who doesnt know what they want is a slippery slope though. I spent the past 3 years gambling on someone like that and it didnt work out for me :(

[Beetie]

I really should give the meditation a try.. Many people here swear by it.

 

Sputnik, me too but something is holding me back on this. I think the fear of being in my own head, since Im in it enough for my liking as it is...

[SweetGirl28]

Hi Darlings*

 

I'm sorry if today triggered some stuff for you. I'm sure you did what was right for you at the time as my ex has done.

 

My caregiver coined the phrase 'Pinning the Tail on the Donkey '.

 

This means that she was blaming our relationship for her misery. But now we are coming to see that now we're broken up, life is still not a bed of roses for her...and in some ways worse*

 

They will all be fine I'm sure and the boys know where I am if they really need me.

 

As I am now heading back into NC again I doubt I'll hear from anyone for a long time to come and in the meantime my healing will continue.

 

I'm sure I will one day come to peace with the whole affair.

 

Love n Light

Carus*

 

Haha, you couldn't trigger anything in us if we were healed, so you're just squeezing the hurt out, until

there's nothing left!

 

So if she reaches out you'll respond, right? Are you doing NC again in hopes she contacts you now?

You're doing the right thing, you've opened your heart wide, I admire that in you.

[Carus]

Thankyou so much for your replies*

 

Long day today and another one coming up tomorrow. Wednesday I will be paying off some sleep debt that's for sure!

 

I have my next session with my psyche/counselor tomorrow....Looking forward to that*

 

Dear Beetie*:

I totally agree with SweetGirl's assessment of your ex. It sounds like she simply doesn't know what she wants.

I'm going to have to agree with that....

 

I will say though that I think she does know what she wants, she's just having a harder time than she thought achieving it. But she will get there...we all do in the end*

I dont think it was the wrong move to meet her and letting her know how you felt, but the next move if there is one has to be hers now for sure.

I think we all pretty much agree on that....Anyone who follows my thread would agree that I've done all I can, and more than a lot of people would! So yes, the things that need to shift in her will take time....It would also show that she has a higher level of interest if she were the one to start making moves back towards me. In a lot of ways I'm getting now to the point where I'm getting a bit fed up pouring all this energy into someone who simply doesn't want to be with me.....

 

I'm still feeling quite good about what I did over the last two days. Whatever effect it had on her if any, I've felt quite a bit lighter since throwing those cards on the table....I think Makeit* and Morello* touched on that before, about healing a bit better now that I've done that. The pain that I have carried in my chest is really starting to subside now (Thank God!)....But we'll see what comes as the days and weeks roll by now and this latest hit of the drug wears off again*

 

A big part of that meeting was yes, it was starting to eat away at me her thinking that I was fine and healed and moved on...The truth had to be told despite all the hard core NCers and coaches that would never advocate it....But the truth will set you free...and in some ways it has*

 

Mi amor SweetGirl*

Haha, you couldn't trigger anything in us if we were healed, so you're just squeezing the hurt out, until

there's nothing left!

Ok good...Then I guess it's good then. Better out than in....

 

But both you and SilverBirch have seemed to establish that your childs fathers are not men who are worth getting back with....So again, you obviously did the right thing...

 

With my ex, time will tell I guess...If she believes she's done the right thing then I guess in her world, she has....even though there are a lot of factors both emotional and fundamental that we all see that say otherwise....

 

$890 AUD a week...!! grrrr, still steaming a bit over that one!

So if she reaches out you'll respond, right?

Que' volado! You know, you and Sputnik should open a shop and call it 'The Hope Emporium' or 'The Optimist Shop' or something...lol

 

But I'll play along...If she contacts me again yes I'll respond...How I'll respond will be determined by the context of her message....I don't think I should initiate the next meeting anyway...

 

I'm not a big fan of the flat out ignore strategy....That seems a bit weak and a bit childish to me...Unless that person really wronged you like slept with your best friend or burned your house down etc....(I have a friend who that actually happened to by the way!).

 

But I'm going to have to return to my default setting and believe that it will be some time if ever that I hear from her again (self preservation anyone? )

 

Whilst I feel a bit better after that last meet, the downside is probably that she knows she's got me right where she wants me so she can go about her life now...

 

Are you doing NC again in hopes she contacts you now?

Perhaps a little, but no not really....My healing seems to be well underway now so I want to focus more on that.....Plus as I said, I'm getting tired of spending so much time and energy on someone that is wishy washy about me and about us....

 

I think she would have to do the 180 now if she really wanted to reconcile....I wouldn't make it that hard for her, but I wouldn't make it that easy either....This has been going on for months really and she's going to have to step up to the plate a bit more. Carus is getting his self worth back!

 

So a tiny bit of Hope is still there but it's more a self preservation thing at this stage....I'll let you and Sputnik take care of the Hope... *wink*

 

You're doing the right thing, you've opened your heart wide, I admire that in you.

Grazie bella*....Hopefully she will too....

 

I will post a bit more on meditation later (2:50am here!), and I've come up with a good one I like to call the 'Swiping Technique'....But for now a very quick one you can start with is: Close your eyes...take a deep breath in through the nose and imagine you are breathing in pink air....then breath out through the mouth and imagine you are blowing out black air....Do this 3 times.....Let me know how you go*

 

Talk Soon*

Carus*

[Makeit]

Just a quick post here. As Ive been thinking. Wouldnt all of us if given the choice to completely get over our X or get back with them for another “shot” choose the first option? Notice I didnt say get back with them forever cuz the choice is obvious on that one.

 

Food for thought.

[SweetGirl28]

Just a quick post here. As Ive been thinking. Wouldnt all of us if given the choice to completely get over our X or get back with them for another “shot” choose the first option? Notice I didnt say get back with them forever cuz the choice is obvious on that one.

 

Food for thought.

 

Ya, I'd like to get over him, which I pretty much have, (My gut knows it's done, never to be again, not even as friends hanging out, it's just over) it's just that even though he was a jerk to me at the end

and after, he was amazing the entire rest of the time. We just clicked. It was so easy. He literally was everything I

was looking for, and I wasn't even looking! His trust issues are huge, and I did some thinking yesterday. What hurts

me really is the fact that we didn't end because of us, we ended because of other people's interference.

If one of us was abusive, a cheat,if we fought a lot, or whatever, it would be easier to accept. But the truth is, we were

great together. The 1 1/2 hour distance coupled with some outside drama caused by neither of us destroyed it.

Need to add this: lost two friendships over this, and my family also. So I've had a great deal of loss

when this ended. It's been too much to bear some days. I have my sister, but the rest chose to believe

the smear campaign my daughters dad went on about me and the ex. If you all knew the details you'd

wonder how I even survived, let alone how my ex tolerated so much. This is why I say having a full

blown narcissist in my life that I cannot completely cut until my daughter is 16 is dangerous.

The ex and I are lucky to be alive after my daughters dad drove at us drunk. He was going to hit us head on

purposely. He turned at the last minute, almost flipping his jeep.

 

I should write a book! Lol

[Piaresssss]

Just a quick post here. As Ive been thinking. Wouldnt all of us if given the choice to completely get over our X or get back with them for another “shot” choose the first option? Notice I didnt say get back with them forever cuz the choice is obvious on that one.

 

Food for thought.

 

In all honesty at this point in time it would be another shot. Probably because I was very much in love with my ex when we split. Would i say the same in a few months? Id hope not.

 

I have never meditated so think i might gove that a go. I shall see how it goes.

[SweetGirl28]

Carus, I sense renewed energy in your writing. You are certainly getting to a better place now.

Time really does make a difference. You will move on if need be and end up just fine. I know it :)

 

I'll open a shop with Sputnik! Loving the idea lol. We could start an online business haha

[sputnik123]

Hello Makeit,

 

That's an interesting one.. personally, I'd rather just be totally over the ex (she was horrible.. lol). I'm done with being a glutton for punishment.

 

Ahhh Carus,

 

Responding on your thread is definitely one of the highlights of my day!

 

It's been a bizarre one, all told, even by Monday standards, so am abit scatterbrained! bear with me...

 

I think, from the outside looking in, you have already healed a great deal. That is quite clear. You are further out of the mire, than deep in it, even if she doesn't come to her senses

 

"But the truth will set you free."

 

- Makes me think of Liar Liar (the one J.C film I can stand.. lol) but, it's true. Whatever else, you can have peace of mind and it is priceless, my friend.

 

"Que' volado! You know, you and Sputnik should open a shop and call it 'The Hope Emporium' or 'The Optimist Shop' or something...lol"

 

- This is why I love you.. Sweets - how about it?! Other catchy name options are 'Dope on a Hope', 'Hope & Gory' , A Hope too Far? we'll talk

 

"Unless that person really wronged you like slept with your best friend or burned your house down etc....(I have a friend who that actually happened to by the way!)".

 

- I'm sorry, I HAVE to know more! Need a chuckle today! lol

 

"Carus is getting his self worth back!"

 

- This is excellent news and just what I want to hear! make.her.work.hard.for *C'man.

 

Looking forward to hearing more about the meditation.. boy I think I need it..

 

Had about 8 coffee's today. *Slightly wired.

 

Have a sound sleep my friend.

 

S x

[Makeit]

Carus. I dont mean to hijack your thread. It just seems like for the 5 or 6 of us that all seem to be posting on each others stuff I feel like this pages popularity is a nice melting pot for us to all help each other. Instead of making new topic after new topic to minimal response. Hopefully u dont mind but if you do I wont throw my ideologies on here anymore.

 

Its interesting to see everyones difference in opinions here. I feel like Im alone in the fact that “nothing good ever leaves”. I dee a lot of you citing outside reasons for a breakup where its hard for me to believe in anything but a loss of interest from our ex’s.

[chattygirl]

. I feel like Im alone in the fact that “nothing good ever leaves”.

 

You're not the only one who shares in this belief.

 

I will say I also believe that even good things evolve and change, and sometimes in relationships, the changes that occur lead to the relationship dissolving on some level. Granted, in a (and I really hesitate to use this word) "healthy" relationship, partners are able to grow together and changes don't have to inevitably lead to someone leaving. To take it further, I might also say that instead of "nothing good ever leaves", it might be more apt to say, "if nothing ever changes, then how good is it?". Relationships are fluid, living entities and if everything stays the same, things will get stagnant, and THAT is what I feel often is the kiss of death.

 

At the same time, Makeit, I totally feel where you're coming from. If a relationship is good and there is a solid commitment on both parts, then no one would leave. So, yeah, if someone leaves, then it would be fair to say it can't have been such a good relationship after all. But I do think its more complicated than that.

 

Lots to think about nonetheless.

[Makeit]

I hate continuing these posts on Carus topic without his permission. Altho it does relate to his situation as well.

 

Chattygrl. I totally agree with you on how good relationships can turn bad. I have no doubt at a point in time my X was madly in love with me. The craziest part to my situation is that I wasnt in love with her for the longest time. In the beginning I just enjoyed her “company” for the most part and was seeing another girl as well. (We werent commited even tho I knew she wanted to be). Funny how things change. I remember thinking one day. F I love this girl. This is gonna hurt.

 

So yes a good relationship can go bad. Ive never really been the person to loose feelings gor a girl once I fall in love with them. They always seem to fall out after years together. It sucks.

 

Part of me feels this is what happened to your situation Carus. You guys were once madly in love. All feelings the connection. The perfect match stuff was true for u both. For some reason that I dont understand. Some ppl can loose that feeling In love. I dont get it.

[Morello]

Interesting discussion at Carus' 'house' haha :)

 

I think it would depend on the personality. For example, let's say I'm in love with this woman, but know I cannot make her truly happy at the moment (for being in a bad mind space, not loving myself, etc). Let's say I'm not putting myself into the relationship as much as she is. I probably would not deal well with this and would probably break up with her even being in love. This is due to my personality not going well with this kind of situation in which I'd have to be a bit selfish and accept I'm putting way less into the relationship than she would be.

 

On the other hand, I know of (many) people who would keep going in a situation like this, but would leave right away when they feel the other is not putting as much into it as them. Another way of seeing it is: you're in a relationship. Both are equally in love. One sees the other's faults but is happy to go along and live with these faults. For this person, love is more important than having to deal with the other's ****. The other sees the one's fault, but due to being more self-centered decides that, even being in love, the one's faults are too big to live with. This can be the case in LDRs for example. For some, it becomes a deal-breaker. For others, it doesn't. Even if they equally love each other.

 

In our friend Carus' situation, three of the possible options could be:

 

1) She does not have strong feelings for him anymore

2) She does have strong feelings, but thinks she cannot give him what she thinks he wants/needs/deserves

3) She does have feelings but thinks her feelings are not as strong as his

 

If she's not the 'selfish' kind, the two last options would probably be a deal-breaker for her.

 

What do you think? Does love really conquer all? I'm not sure I agree that it always does. Many variables involved.

[Makeit]

See thats the interesting thing. For me. Love conquers all. Ive never fallen out of love with someone. But for other people like yourself. They disagree. I guess thats what makes us unique as humans. But my stubborn mind refuses to see it the other way. To me. They left because for whatever reason they werent in love anymore. Leaving someone youre In love with assuming they havent heated or abused you ect. Is something I could never do. To me thats the dumbest thing I can think of. Maybe its because Being in Love to me is such a huge point in life. Or maybe Im just selfish in my personal thinking.

 

In a way this makes me come across harsh when I give my opinion on my own and others heartbreak. Its hard for me to say all the nice comfort things to someone and believe them in my own situation. Things like oh they still love you. But this but that ect ect. If I knew my ex still was in love with me but left me. I would go insane.

[Morello]

I agree with you in some way. I think if the love is really strong, it's unlikely that the person will leave.

 

But love is not binary, 0 or 1. In a long term relationship, it will fluctuate a bit. Sometimes it will be stronger, sometimes it will be weaker. And external events will have an affect on that too... At least that's how I see it.

 

An example of how an external event can influence love for a partner is depression or the loss of a family member.