Dreams and Nightmares*

[SweetGirl28]

I agree with sweet girl here. It seems like the thing tearing you apart is not knowing whether to reach out or not so I think you just should. The worst thing that can happen is she isn't interested but she's broken up with you once and you've dealt with it very well, if that's the case it won't be anywhere near as painful as the first time ( will still be hard don't get me wrong ).

 

If you do it though at least the what if's will be gone from your mind and you can move forward knowing there's nothing you can do :)

 

( maybe wait until you get back though don't waste your last day waiting for a reply )

 

THIS ^^^^^^^^^^ We've got your back, Carus! We want you to feel better :)

[sputnik123]

Well, perhaps I am a little guilty of putting the emphasis on the solution I have chosen for my situation, rather than dear Carus.

 

For sure, you could reach out to the ex-wife.

 

You need to be 100% O.K with getting a negative response (or none at all, for now, which is unlikely).. I am not saying that it may not go your way eventually, but this opens you up massively. Sweets and Dave have good, valid points though. It would save alot of time and potentially offer you clarity, or closure.

 

At the end of the day, we will all be with you, every step of the way.

 

Yours,

 

S x

[Morello]

That is a tough one... It appears your hope won't go away soon if you don't do anything. On the other hand, there is the 'illusion of action' as you may have heard about.

 

In my case, I sent a message 2.5 months after NC because I thought she would've changed her mind during this time. She didn't reply. While it was a blow and I was shattered, it did help me losing hope. Not all hope, obviously, but every time I start getting hopeful I remember that she didn't even reply and all hope is lost again. I start thinking about al the things she said that she was into me, etc, but then my inner self kind of says "Dude, get your s*** together, she didn't even reply your message. She probably doesn't even know you exist anymore. Man up and move on!" :)

 

From most stories here I found that people who take too long to recover from break ups do so because of hope. Maybe due to their own personalities (attachment style), maybe due to bread crumbs, etc... Perhaps it won't hurt to wait a few days after your return from Bali and send her a message, see her reaction and invite her for a casual meet up. I like the idea of buying her a little gift. This will probably give you another hint of where things are at the moment. It will show her your interest and then you can hope (lol) that things will happen naturally if they'e supposed to happen.

 

But in my opinion the key is patience. Dont' act like you're trying to get together. Act like you're testing the waters to assess whether getting together is a good and viable option. Like you have other options. Because you know you do...

[Carus]

We've got your back, Carus! We want you to feel better :)

Hi All - Firstly I just want to once again say how much I love and appreciate you all. I read some kinda harsh responses on other threads and am so grateful that everyone here has been so patient with me. Truly!

 

When someone is in deep pain and emotional turmoil, it really does no good to say things like 'Stop wallowing in self pity. Just get on with it etc etc..'

 

Whilst that may be true in theory, all the person in pain hears is 'Nobody understands me or the pain I'm in', and that can lead to dire consequences.

 

So again, Thankyou*

 

Now, today was slightly better and my anxiety had gone down a bit...coz that's what makes us do things we probably shouldn't and also causes us pain...

 

Spent the day at the beach again, relaxing, reading and meditating. The meditation is definitely helping I feel so I really need to keep that up.

 

There are so many breakup theories out there and they pretty much run parallel...until it comes to contacting your ex. Some say X amount of days. Some say never.

 

At the stage I'm at, that is why it's a bit confusing. I've done the NC. I've done the 'work on yourself'... Hell I've done pretty much every goddamn thing they all say...

 

So when it comes to this point, I wish there was only ONE definitive way to go...but that would be too easy now wouldn't it! *sigh*

 

But I've worked in this field a long, long time and as painful as it is, I know that I'm just not ready yet to reach out to her.

 

Doesn't necessarily mean forever, but I'm glad I made it through yesterday and today. As Morello suggested, perhaps wait a bit longer :)

 

Two of my most respected coaches out there are Craig Kenneth and Cory Wayne. Between them they have hundreds and hundreds of videos and have been helping people and studying this stuff for years and they both recommend not reaching out for any reason...and that does actually align more with how I feel about it deep down too.

 

I Googled ''Should I contact my ex" and the general consensus amongst the articles is no. Mainly for the reason that dear Sputnik was onto...hitting that reset button and ripping the scab off again!

 

Also the fact that if she REALLY wanted to talk to me, she knows where I am....

 

No, I'm just going to have to continue on with the grieving the loss and doing my best to heal the gaping wound.

 

I want to give an honorable mention to one of my most respected ENA stalwarts, Catfeeder*. Such a shining light for so many people and has been posting on here for years. This is from another thread today and was exactly what I needed to read after a long day of reading similar things:

She can't learn what living without you would be like if you keep contacting her, and this doesn't move your focus beyond her. You can stagnate in this limbo if you want, but it won't move you to higher ground where she might meet you someday. She'll need to reach that place on her own, or you'll both know that manipulation gained you a temporary win, while a return that's 100% voluntary without input from you is the only kind of return you can trust.

 

Now, I love having SweetGirl here. You're my 'female input' side of things if you like and I know you would dearly love to see my wife and I back together... I appreciate that. So here's a little one for your input tonight:

 

I like that you said she may be feeling a little remorse after liking that post on FB...and perhaps yes she does feel a little...

 

So tonight I went for dinner and noticed a couple of FB notifications pop up, so I logged in...

 

My friend had obviously made it home and had posted some pics of the trip....including one of me and HER friend cozying up at lunch yesterday!

 

Her friend had already put a 'Love' reaction on it....

 

I'm screwed aren't I...? ;-)

 

Ok guys, I think that's long enough for tonight. Tomorrow I leave the island and head home. Part of me wants to stay but I look forward to getting back and getting into my routine at home. I kinda have a little too much time on my hands here which leads to ruminating too much.

 

Hope everyone is well

Thanks Again

Carus*

[SweetGirl28]

My friend had obviously made it home and had posted some pics of the trip....including one of me and HER friend cozying up at lunch yesterday!

 

Her friend had already put a 'Love' reaction on it....

 

I'm screwed aren't I...? ;-)

 

 

CARUS!!!! You've got some 'splainin' to do!! Lol

Yup, you're screwed. Jealousy will be triggered, most likely, but hey.....might work in your favor

Have a safe trip back home! Enjoy your last moments there, and take away positive memories from it (((hugs)))

[Carus]

CARUS!!!! You've got some 'splainin' to do!! Lol

Lmao!

 

Hmm. Well I was sure you were gonna say it was a good thing!

 

IF she did feel jealous, doesn't that count for something? Jealousy is obviously not Indifference...*

 

Still, my friend is a mutual of ours and is just a big an advocate of us getting back together as you :)

 

So she obviously thinks it wasn't such a bad idea to include that pic lol...

 

Anyway, one day this nightmare will end...

 

Hugs x

[SweetGirl28]

Lmao!

 

Hmm. Well I was sure you were gonna say it was a good thing!

 

IF she did feel jealous, doesn't that count for something? Jealousy is obviously not Indifference...*

 

Still, my friend is a mutual of ours and is just a big an advocate of us getting back together as you :)

 

So she obviously thinks it wasn't such a bad idea to include that pic lol...

 

Anyway, one day this nightmare will end...

 

Hugs x

 

Jealousy does count, x100!!!!!

I like your mutual friend, and I don't even know her!! Lol

[Carus]

Thanks SweetGirl* ~ Yes I'm so lucky to have her in my life. We've known each other for many years and she is definitely my Sistah*

 

I'm lucky to have you too :) x

 

[SweetGirl28]

Thanks SweetGirl* ~ Yes I'm so lucky to have her in my life. We've known each other for many years and she is definitely my Sistah*

 

I'm lucky to have you too :) x

 

 

Right back atcha, buddy ! Xoxo

[sputnik123]

Hi All - Firstly I just want to once again say how much I love and appreciate you all. I read some kinda harsh responses on other threads and am so grateful that everyone here has been so patient with me. Truly!

 

When someone is in deep pain and emotional turmoil, it really does no good to say things like 'Stop wallowing in self pity. Just get on with it etc etc..'

 

Whilst that may be true in theory, all the person in pain hears is 'Nobody understands me or the pain I'm in', and that can lead to dire consequences.

 

So again, Thankyou*

 

Now, today was slightly better and my anxiety had gone down a bit...coz that's what makes us do things we probably shouldn't and also causes us pain...

 

Spent the day at the beach again, relaxing, reading and meditating. The meditation is definitely helping I feel so I really need to keep that up.

 

There are so many breakup theories out there and they pretty much run parallel...until it comes to contacting your ex. Some say X amount of days. Some say never.

 

At the stage I'm at, that is why it's a bit confusing. I've done the NC. I've done the 'work on yourself'... Hell I've done pretty much every goddamn thing they all say...

 

So when it comes to this point, I wish there was only ONE definitive way to go...but that would be too easy now wouldn't it! *sigh*

 

But I've worked in this field a long, long time and as painful as it is, I know that I'm just not ready yet to reach out to her.

 

Doesn't necessarily mean forever, but I'm glad I made it through yesterday and today. As Morello suggested, perhaps wait a bit longer

 

Two of my most respected coaches out there are Craig Kenneth and Cory Wayne. Between them they have hundreds and hundreds of videos and have been helping people and studying this stuff for years and they both recommend not reaching out for any reason...and that does actually align more with how I feel about it deep down too.

 

I Googled ''Should I contact my ex" and the general consensus amongst the articles is no. Mainly for the reason that dear Sputnik was onto...hitting that reset button and ripping the scab off again!

 

Also the fact that if she REALLY wanted to talk to me, she knows where I am....

 

No, I'm just going to have to continue on with the grieving the loss and doing my best to heal the gaping wound.

 

I want to give an honorable mention to one of my most respected ENA stalwarts, Catfeeder*. Such a shining light for so many people and has been posting on here for years. This is from another thread today and was exactly what I needed to read after a long day of reading similar things:

 

 

Now, I love having SweetGirl here. You're my 'female input' side of things if you like and I know you would dearly love to see my wife and I back together... I appreciate that. So here's a little one for your input tonight:

 

I like that you said she may be feeling a little remorse after liking that post on FB...and perhaps yes she does feel a little...

 

So tonight I went for dinner and noticed a couple of FB notifications pop up, so I logged in...

 

My friend had obviously made it home and had posted some pics of the trip....including one of me and HER friend cozying up at lunch yesterday!

 

Her friend had already put a 'Love' reaction on it....

 

I'm screwed aren't I...? ;-)

 

Ok guys, I think that's long enough for tonight. Tomorrow I leave the island and head home. Part of me wants to stay but I look forward to getting back and getting into my routine at home. I kinda have a little too much time on my hands here which leads to ruminating too much.

 

Hope everyone is well

Thanks Again

Carus*

 

Hey break-up brother,

 

It's great that you had a better day..

 

Sounds like you have swapped an idyllic beach for an .. erm.., idyllic beach! It's a tough life my man

 

"But I've worked in this field a long, long time and as painful as it is, I know that I'm just not ready yet to reach out to her.

 

Doesn't necessarily mean forever, but I'm glad I made it through yesterday and today. As Morello suggested, perhaps wait a bit longer

 

- For sure.. it is not the end of the road, we are all with you on this journey.. in the grand scheme of things, you saw her very recently.. she reached out , you did everything you could.. now let's just see what she does.. something will happen!

 

"Also the fact that if she REALLY wanted to talk to me, she knows where I am...."

 

- NAIL.ON.THE.HEAD.BUDDY - As you know, I am in exactly the same boat with this (the great "unblocking" of 2018...).

 

In the meantime, we all have your back.

 

"I want to give an honorable mention to one of my most respected ENA stalwarts, Catfeeder*."

 

- Yes, Catfeeder is great..the voice of reason!

 

 

"I like that you said she may be feeling a little remorse after liking that post on FB...and perhaps yes she does feel a little...

So tonight I went for dinner and noticed a couple of FB notifications pop up, so I logged in...

My friend had obviously made it home and had posted some pics of the trip....including one of me and HER friend cozying up at lunch yesterday!

Her friend had already put a 'Love' reaction on it....

I'm screwed aren't I...? ;-)"

 

- Gotta say, I LOVE ALL OF THIS!

 

Glad you have enjoyed your mini-break away mate..

 

Safe travels (let's see who is on your flight home!) and speak soon!

 

S x

[Morello]

From what I've read about Carus and sputnik... It doesn't necessarily mean they don't wanna talk to you. I'm sure they would like to chat (even if not to get back together). The reality is most likely that they're not ready yet or don't think a good outcome would come out of it now. People need time to process their emotions, to feel emotionaly ready to make a move. Any move.

 

If any of you were given the chance to choose between your ex contacting you to try to initiate a rekindling conversation now or in 3 months, which one would you choose? Are you really in the best position to try again or are you still in recovery mode? Something to think about...

[Carus]

Thanks Morello*

 

I don't ever see it happening, but for the sake of hypotheticals:

 

If she initiated it, that would be a game changer and I would take now as I feel we are wasting precious time with every day that goes by. I would still proceed with caution though.

 

If it was up to me...the way I am now and the tightness I still feel in my chest...at least 3 months.

 

Hope you are well my friend.

 

Carus*

[Morello]

It looks like both of you are working on improving yourselves, so I find it hard to agree this is wasted time. Remember, there was a reason behind the break up, regardless of who made the move. You two need time to change and become better so when and if you get a chance to rekindle, you have greater chances of making it work!

 

This will never be wasted time if you're working on yourself, even if the rekindling doesn't happen. You know that. You're just impatient and you wanna know the outcome of this (good or bad) right now. I don't blame you!

 

Anyway, stay strong. I'm alternating hopeful and hopeless moments about my situation. More of the latter, which helps me function a lot better.

[dave4443]

Can I ask one thing Carus?

If she does contact again which seems likely by the looks of it so kudos to you. Do you know how you'll deal with what she's done in the long run?

 

Just from experience with getting my ex back after 6 months it was bliss but after a while I started resenting her for leaving something so perfect and it never got back to the way it was as in my head I always thought what's the point she'll just do it again.

 

I'm not trying to be a downer here or say don't do it because I can tell there's a lot of love and it will most likely be worth it, just want to make sure you've thought of that side of it too :)

[Carus]

Thanks Morello* I guess you are right. Perhaps I am impatient but this Has been going on for almost 5 months now....although there Was the 3 months of back and forth, then that meetup 10 days ago so....

 

I still believe though, right or wrong, that this has just been her weaning off/gaining closure rather than reconsidering things...(I just know SweetGirl's gonna slap me for that...)

 

But the thing is, I've never had an ex come back you see which is why I don't see this one being any different. So perhaps my attitude may come across as a little negative but that is why....

 

I've pushed through a ton of pain so I guess I've gained some emotional strength there, and I Have made some other changes too which I guess I haven't written enough about so will do that in my next entry...

 

But something we all know, I still miss her way too much and perhaps that's still something that needs to change. Of course if she did do the 180 that would probably fast track it but at this stage Imma have to go it alone*

 

My dear Dave* - Great question. It gives me Hope lol

 

I'm at the airport right now and I want to think a bit about that before replying...

 

But if that is what happened to you then I can understand why you think there is a glimmer of hope (or probably more than a glimmer) that she will come back.

 

Dave, could I ask you to give a quick background on how that happened for you? Or do you have a thread somewhere that documents it...?

 

Morello, I think this happened to you too no? If my memory is intact lol 6 month period as well..?

 

Reflecting on your own stories and considering I would like another shot at it, do you guys think I'm doing the right things to facilitate it? Is there something I could be doing better?

 

Sorry bout the Capitals fellas. I'm on my phone so I don't have any font tools here...

 

See you on the other side.

 

Carus*

 

PS: I'm still laughing about this:

CARUS!!!! You've got some 'splainin' to do!! Lol

It's nice to have a chuckle for once :) x

[Morello]

Morello, I think this happened to you too no? If my memory is intact lol 6 month period as well..?

 

I only wish, but not really! My current situation is 4.5 months after break up and about 3.5 without contact. I mean, except for a hi when I bumped into hear at work about a month ago. I sent a message after that and she didn't reply though... In our last contact she said she didn't want to communicate anymore, so I'd say there's 99.9% I'll never talk to her again (except for a hi here and there), being the 0.01% due to, well... I'm not dead yet haha :) But this was a 3 months relationship, so it hardly counts lol.

 

About 2 months ago I got an from 5 years ago contacting me. We have had a briefly comeback in 2013, like 8 months after our initial break up, just to break up again...We added each other on FB mabe a couple of years ago, can't remember who addded who. Now 5 years after seeing each other for the last time she moved to my city. She's quite keen to meet, I have been avoiding a bit but we'll meet this Saturday. Not idea what I want, but I'm not too excited... It would be nice to be friends though.

 

There was another ex before that who came back, but I suspect it was because I didn't show much interest. I was just living my life and was not thinking at all that she would contact me again. We came back together for a year I think and had a 'mutual' break up.

 

Both cases I got an ex to contact me with intent to rekindle, I wasn't showing much interest at the time they approached me again. I was living my life without them already, after the grieving bit. And there was some time between the break up and the rekindling, time enough to erase the bad stuff and make both of us curious about what the other was up to. Something like 8 to 12 months afterwards. This recent one, 5 years! lol.

 

If I can give any advice to you (take with a grain of salt), Carus, just forget about her. Act like it's completely over, because it is. If you get back together it will be a new thing, probably (way) further down the track. If she was ready now she'd be contacting you, I think. Try to start thinking about how comfortable you'd be with dating other women. It's probably a good first step.

 

Like Dave said, when they do eventually contact you it won't probably be as fun anymore. It's hard to redevelop the same feelings as before, unless it's something really special (your situation might be). We tend to forget that when we keep obsessing about an ex coming back to us.

[SweetGirl28]

I still believe though, right or wrong, that this has just been her weaning off/gaining closure rather than reconsidering things...(I just know SweetGirl's gonna slap me for that...)

 

This^^^^^^^^^ yes, I'm slapping you with wet noodles! Lol

 

pride and stubbornness can hinder any positive outcome.

She loves you, you love her. Sometimes it isn't enough. But I'm still hopeful that it will be

[dave4443]

Thanks Morello* I guess you are right. Perhaps I am impatient but this Has been going on for almost 5 months now....although there Was the 3 months of back and forth, then that meetup 10 days ago so....

 

I still believe though, right or wrong, that this has just been her weaning off/gaining closure rather than reconsidering things...(I just know SweetGirl's gonna slap me for that...)

 

But the thing is, I've never had an ex come back you see which is why I don't see this one being any different. So perhaps my attitude may come across as a little negative but that is why....

 

I've pushed through a ton of pain so I guess I've gained some emotional strength there, and I Have made some other changes too which I guess I haven't written enough about so will do that in my next entry...

 

But something we all know, I still miss her way too much and perhaps that's still something that needs to change. Of course if she did do the 180 that would probably fast track it but at this stage Imma have to go it alone*

 

My dear Dave* - Great question. It gives me Hope lol

 

I'm at the airport right now and I want to think a bit about that before replying...

 

But if that is what happened to you then I can understand why you think there is a glimmer of hope (or probably more than a glimmer) that she will come back.

 

Dave, could I ask you to give a quick background on how that happened for you? Or do you have a thread somewhere that documents it...?

 

Morello, I think this happened to you too no? If my memory is intact lol 6 month period as well..?

 

Reflecting on your own stories and considering I would like another shot at it, do you guys think I'm doing the right things to facilitate it? Is there something I could be doing better?

 

Sorry bout the Capitals fellas. I'm on my phone so I don't have any font tools here...

 

See you on the other side.

 

Carus*

 

PS: I'm still laughing about this:

 

It's nice to have a chuckle for once :) x

 

Mine was years ago when we first split up. She was with someone else pretty quickly but I did way worse than you have done constant bombardment of texts and calls for a month and meeting up crying ( I cringe looking back at that ).

 

I finally stopped and we met up kind of like you did a bit later, went well I handled it along the same lines you did. After a month or two after the meeting we started talking a bit slower and flirting a bit more until we met up, things kind of fell back into place after that :)

 

Of course I have more hope for you because what led to our breakup was her cheating on me and me acting cold so I guess whilst we were apart I wanted nothing more than to have her back but when I had her, the resentment came back and the fact she left me while I was trying to forgive made it harder, so since your situation had little animosity I have faith that should it happen for you it will be a much more pleasant experience.

 

As for getting her back, it honestly happened around the point that I was over her and didn't care one way or another, it made it much easier to flirt and be myself again. Just wanted to let you know so you don't make the same mistakes I did if what you truly want when the fog is lifted is to be with her :)

[Beetie]

Dear Carus and remaining contributors!

 

I realize i'm a bit of a late addition here but after discovering and registering for this forum a few days ago after my break up a few weeks ago I have been pretty much addicted to this thread, so after reading all 30 pages worth I figured I would make my inaugural post to this forum here

First of all to say thank you Carus (and the rest of you) for sharing your story and allowing people to tag along. You have written so much with which I identify and following your journey reminds me that though everyone's story is different, the struggle and feelings are the same. And I'm just so happy to have found this forum.

 

Second of all to say I wish I saw the same hope with my ex (still can't believe I'm even calling him that) as I see with yours! I imagine Im not the only one envious of your position considering so many others are utterly hopeless.

Since I've been following in the shadows I must say my feeling is with sweetgirl on this. Putting my feet in your ex-wife's shoes, I feel she still has a lot of love for you. But I get the feeling she is not in a strong place emotionally, firstly second-guessing the decisions she's made with you and you mentioned some issues with one of her sons as well. Meanwhile, I feel that you've given her the vibe that you're doing just fine. So if it were me that imbalance might have me feeling like I also wouldnt be able to give you what you need and leave me hesitant to reach out. Besides she made the first move to break NC initially so in her shoes I might be thinking if you really cared you can write too.

 

Not advocating to break NC as I understand you need a certain emotional strength to handle it not going as you invision, but if and when you get there, I dont think reaching out in some fashion would be the worst move

 

Thank you again so much for your posts!

[sputnik123]

Hey Beetie,

 

The wonderful Carus's break-up brother here! (the one without the hope!) lol

 

Welcome to the board.. :)

[Piaresssss]

Reflecting on your own stories and considering I would like another shot at it, do you guys think I'm doing the right things to facilitate it? Is there something I could be doing better?

 

Been hovering the last few days Carus as I can't read woman for the life of me so can't really give in any input.

 

I think you are doing everything right. You are keeping your buisness going. Hitting the gym. Going on these spiritual retreats. Still making time for your step kids, which i think is amazing, i feel like most men would bail. From what you wrote of the meeting it seems like you knocked it outta the park. Did everything you where supposed to do.

 

You have handled it amazingly so don't think you haven't. Life isnt so cut and dry and is unpredictable. That little bit of hope left in me to i guess

 

And if you like a chuckle wait till june/july as i happen to be hilarious

[chattygirl]

Well, its official: I am now an addicted member of the Carus Fan Club as well! :)

 

What a journey this has been for you! You clearly have a heart of gold and the patience of a saint. Your story speaks to the romantic in all of us and gives us a glimpse at what it looks like to genuinely love someone. More importantly though, your story shows us what it means to love *oneself*. Sure, you've had ups and downs and battles within yourself during this whole saga, but what I am witnessing here is a man who is discovering who he is and what he's made of. No matter what happens with your ex Carus, you have shown what it means to evolve as a person and how pain and heartbreak can sometimes be a blessing in disguise. I thank you so much for sharing with us.

[SweetGirl28]

Hey Beetie,

 

The wonderful Carus's break-up brother here! (the one without the hope!) lol

 

Welcome to the board.. :)[/quote

 

It's only temporary, one day you won't need that hope at all, because you will have

fallen in love again :)

[sputnik123]

Hey Morello, except for the length of relationship, our current predicaments are quite similar my friend! lol

 

Sweets, we LOVE your voice on our threads... NEVER LEAVE US!

 

Piaresssss, your feeback is always lovely, honest and sincere

 

Chattygirl, your posting the other day (or was it yesterday?) was one of the best things i've seen on this board for a while

 

 

Dearest Carus,

 

Well, well, well.. any more of this majesty and you can start charging an entry fee to your thread!

 

Hope you got back in O.K.. did you bring any souvenirs of the female variety back with you?

 

I think the common consensus here with your situation is that you are entitled and right to have plenty of hope for what the future may hold with the ex, but that a little more time (yes, even more...) is required to give her another nudge back in your direction?

 

What are your immediate plans back in Oz.. straight to work again, or more time off?

 

Thanks for checking in on me earlier.. haven't felt like that for a couple of months.. but there are definitely more coping methods available now.. experienced now, see?

 

Speak soon bro x

[Beetie]

Thank you so much Sputnik! Haha face palm but at least our no-hope sibling family is a big one! :)