Carus Posted November 23, 2017 Author Share Posted November 23, 2017 At the behest of my friends who are quite concerned, I've managed to get in to see a clinical psychologist on Saturday... x Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted November 23, 2017 Share Posted November 23, 2017 I am with you bud...hang in there...it takes time...I am further than you and I still hurt...less each day....you just have to accept it and go on...go to the don't give a f*** factor....Thats where I am at.... I just don't care no more....When u finally let go...things happen when ur not looking for them to happen....Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in the US..A major holiday and around this time last year is when our relationship started to fall apart..Those kids were working their best to sabotage everything me and her worked for... But hey...I will get up tomorrow and go hang out with a great friend...He is single also and the two of us will deep fry a Turkey...haha...Drink some beers and talk garbage about anything...haha... And you know what? I don't care no more...I accept things for what they are....Got to move on bud... Hang in there... Good things will happen...Be patient... And don't care...And one day boom there it is.... Here is a personal story: I dated a awesome girl in High School...She was beautiful and smart, we did it all and we were in love.... One day I signed up to join the military and she couldn't deal with it...She dumped me... I went off into the world, and I thought about her for a long long long time...She was my first at everything....She got into a new relationship... 20 years go by, and guess who finds me on FB... Turns out she always was in love with me... She is married and I respect that.. But the sheer fact that she always wanted to tell me that she never stopped loving me...wow...it blew my mind...So, the case I am making here, is that if it meant anything to them, they will never forget you... Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted November 23, 2017 Share Posted November 23, 2017 do whatever helps you buddy.. we are all here for you too Link to comment
ASmash Posted November 23, 2017 Share Posted November 23, 2017 I remember getting that bad. Have you tried blocking your ex to enforce your boundaries? I remember using a rubber band technique where I'd snap myself whenever I thought of my ex. As far as sleeping at night, I probably got in really good shape by working out and doing work because I knew I'd rather be tired than stressed. I also found a social media and internet detox helpful as it forced me to train myself to be mindful and present. Often when my mind waunders to an ex I've lost being present. A breakup was how I started a meditation practice. It's been a game changer. Good luck. Glad to see your staying positive and actually working on it. Feel the heal and forgive yourself and your ex. Link to comment
Carus Posted November 24, 2017 Author Share Posted November 24, 2017 Thankyou so much. Yes I know they never forget you but sadly, that doesn't mean you get back together either... Thanks for the sentiment though. I wish I didn't give a f***. I really do. But it's just too early for that yet I guess.... I unfollowed her on FB and changed my status to single in the first week. I've been through this before. No need to block though because A) I know not to look at her FB or call her. I know what I'll see and l know how much damage it does. And B) She's successfully weaned off me (with my help) so I won't be hearing from her anymore anyway. And that's a big part of the pain I'm in.... She got to grieve the loss with my comfort whereas I've now got to deal with just being cut off...and as you all know, the withdrawals are brutal, insanely brutal...! I'm moving to the beach today! A big part of why we split was that I worked 6 nights a week for the last 2 and a bit years. She got lonely. She got used to being by herself... But I always told her that it was only until I paid off the debt and that would set us up nicely for the next 15 years..or more. I guess she couldn't wait, or didn't give a ***..... But I've done it now. $100,000 paid off..! So going forward I won't have to work as much anymore. So sad. I really was looking forward to spending more time together, going on more holidays etc.... Since I moved out she's now had to come off part time and is working full on trying to stay afloat. This kills me but what can you do...? She will get there I'm sure. And so yeh, now with that debt gone, I'm renting a brand new apartment right on the beach. I can wake up every morning looking out over the ocean and the islands and walk out onto the sand...and summer is here too* So things are good. Just can't wait for this horrible pain and 'missing her' to go away so I can start actually appreciating everything. I can't find joy in anything right now... I started getting berated and 'told off' in another forum I was in. I know we're all only volunteers here but when someone is 'on the edge' it is not good to go kicking their azz....Very dangerous! I have signed out of there and may never go back. I have also exhausted most of my friends and people around me. You know how that one goes... So I'm glad you are all helping me here. It really, really helps. Thankyou* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 hi Carus, I feel your pain.. woke up feeling completely lost today. fully knowing that I am not even being thought about by her. I would also give anything to wake up next to the ocean every day Please take one day at a time and we will get though this sxxx together. Thinking of you Carus. Link to comment
dave4443 Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 I get that part Carus mine was kind of the same. Joined uni a bit older than most so obviously she wanted more of s commitment that I couldn't give at that point. I was focusing on working everything I could find to make sure I had a job I liked afterwards, and she didn't want to wait anymore. Sucks because after we broke up I had all this time that I could give to her but sometimes it's just too late and people don't wait. Now I'm busy as hell again so probably for the best but just think of it like the next girl will get more of you and your cool place so you'll be getting much more luck with the right girl in the future I imagine and if not anytime soon you always have Tinder for those confidence boosts Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 Hey C...Last night I got out of the house and went to my buds for Thanksgiving....We had a blast hanging out and talking about this crazy s*** about relationships... It was great to vent...And just to chill with a friend... He has been in similar situations as us here... We are good friends from work...It is just good to vent period....Hang in there bud...You are not alone...I still have a lot of unanswered questions that go through my head...But I am discovering that you are better of not beating yourself up over this....There is just no way to know why?, how? Etc.. My friend said to me, to just let it go, not to care...Just move on, stay NC and just become indifferent.. Link to comment
Carus Posted November 24, 2017 Author Share Posted November 24, 2017 It's hard to put into words how much I appreciate your posts....I've had two friends get angry at me today coz I'm still talking about it...So this forum really is a god send... I've been on suicide watch since Monday and when people start rejecting you, you can really feel pushed into a corner..... Those few days at the beginning of the week when I got the final email from her really were brutal, however, I highly doubt I would do anything like that because I have SO many great things and people in my life it really would be senseless... My beautiful sistah has been checking in on me every few hours, helped me move and brought me food, coz I'm not eating... My life is still there waiting...I just gotta catch up....And I will.... And I'm feeling better at this moment so I have glimmers of hope now that I am gonna be ok. I'm pretty smashed after moving house today....the apartment is amazing....and it feels good to have a different environment. My ex doesn't even know that I've moved But I'm here alone and it's Friday night...so I know where she'll be.... That kinda stings a bit but overall I'm feeling pretty calm....The pain in my chest is not there right now, thank god! And I've got the Ape keeping me company...He's so good. Just move on, stay NC and just become indifferent.. Well I have no choice now so yes I will.... Having said that though I DO have a choice....I could ring her up....but I know that does no good.... I also believe that if it was ever going to work, it would have to come from her....AND, never chase someone that has dumped you...That is a position of weakness and very unattractive.... I've struggled with how I've handled this whole affair though....I asked a friend girl of mine if it was weak of me to say "Don't call me unless it's about getting back together" rather than being able to just let her keep coming to me at her own pace...(coz perhaps that MAY have worked with enough time and patience)... She said "NO! What you've said is the position of strength...Letting things go on the way they were would be weakness" That made me feel better....and she is an exexex of mine...We dated for 2 years...She's the only ex I have that has stayed in contact with me...Unfortunately she is going through her own nasty separation from her husband at the moment and they have a 3 year old son! So I'm very tired from moving and it's 2am now....A friend of mine gave me some sleepers today and I've taken one of them. I don't do meds but I'm hoping it will keep me down for the night...I need to get my life, health and business back on track and the lack of sleep and horrible ex nightmares are not helping with that! As I come to accept that she's gone now I feel determined to start training my thoughts away from her....At this early stage of course she's right there every day. In my head. Behind my eyes (god the flashbacks! When will they stop!?). I have many rough days ahead of me for sure....and I don't know when those days are going to be...Maybe I'll be fine tomorrow as well and then meltdown on Sunday... But I do have glimmers of hope now....and I send that hope to all of you. Will journal more later and will TRY and make the posts more about how I'M doing, rather that what she's doing.... Again, thank you so much. I'm alone in this apartment, but I know I'm not* Carus* Link to comment
Pto29538 Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 Your friends only want the best for you and sometimes they think tough love or telling you to move on is the best approach . However everyone is different and only those who have been through the deep pain of a breakup remember what it’s like and those crazy thoughts that go on and on. I’ve some friends who were like angels to me and listened over and over to me for weeks on end and I had those who avoided me as I don’t think they could handle me . I had those who listened but really didn’t understand. In the end I belief they all cared as I do think your friends do to . Regarding to that other forum I agree everyone needs r be supportive to others and their situations even if logically it make no sense to us . A lot of the grief people feel may be due to esteem or other issues so it is important not to judge or tell people it’s time to move on . Everyone’s journey is different . Personally I read your posts and I think you are an I inspiration at how you can express and communicate what you are feeling . I can’t imagine the pain you are going through as my relationship was much shorter and I know the depths of despair that I hit and the length the deep pain went on for . You are not alone . Time is a healer and you have a bright new chapter of life ahead of you . Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted November 24, 2017 Share Posted November 24, 2017 C. We can't turn time back...I so wish there was a time machine... All we can do is move forward and look forward to the time ahead... Link to comment
joker78 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 i hope you are feeling better today mate. i feel your pain and all that you have described is familiar to me too.. that was how i felt few months back.. and we/you will get out of this tunnel one day. hang in there.. we are all here for you. Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Hi Carus, Very sorry to hear this, but please remember there are so many people who care about you. Stay NC, as going back would be re-entering a world of pain. Please focus on yourself. We are all here for you buddy... One day at a time Link to comment
Carus Posted November 25, 2017 Author Share Posted November 25, 2017 Thankyou all so much.... Yes, as much as I miss her and I'm in a world of pain right now, I don't believe contacting her will do me any good, especially now that she has decided to go her own way... If we were ever to work long term it would have to come from her.... I know I'm a good man. I know my value, and if she can't see that then I will find somebody who does.... Today wasn't too bad....The morning wake up was harsh and the morning was pretty brutal.... But I had my first session with my counselor and felt a lot better for the rest of the day....although I can feel my heart weeping again so I know I still have a ways to go yet... I will keep journaling for a while....Your support means the world to me* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Hi Carus, Fantastic news on the first session! I am glad it helped..I think I will be signing up for some. Weekends are definitely tougher as that's when we mainly used to see each other. I fully agree on the wake ups.. its been like that every day since. Stay strong. Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted November 25, 2017 Share Posted November 25, 2017 Hello my darlin' I just had to catch up ...your new apartment sounds just fabulous *sigh I have a bit of envy going on here ....That beautiful apartment with the views and the beach at your fingertips AND your debt paid off ...hell man , you are going to live life to the full when you get through this you really are . Just hang onto that thought , we know you are in no place to appreciate it right now ,but watch this space ...( and us lot all getting the next flight out ) So glad you decided to get a therapist , it can only be a good thing . As far your friends , well it is too easy to forget the pain of heartbreak , I said earlier in this thread how I realised I had actually forgotten the actual depth of pain one slips into and for them , unless they are actually feeling it , they too have forgotten how bad it gets . As someone said earlier as well, some like to dish out the tough love as a way of snapping someone out of it ...if only it were that simple eh ! Well you know we wont turn on you my darling and I am glad you lads are all going through this together , so love to you all . Link to comment
Carus Posted November 26, 2017 Author Share Posted November 26, 2017 Hi Dear Pip, you're welcome at the apartment anytime. Just bring your bikinis ok? x Journal Mornings are still harsh...But I get up and get on with things. There's lots to do but I'm trying not to push it. Staying busy and distractions are obviously good but you also need to take the time needed to heal rather than plastering over it. The day picked up and I was feeling pretty good...but I could feel my heart seeping again and by 7pm, BOOM!, big meltdown... Ah the sobbing. Ah the screaming her name.....Great stuff isn't it? The good thing is that after the meltdowns now, I feel better and I feel hungry....It wasn't like this earlier in the week... I struggled through the rest of my shift and am now finally home... One nice thing today which I recommend and will do more of: I was standing in the street. A lady was walking past looking a little solem. She looked at me and I gave her a smile and a nod. She smiled back as she went past...I knew I had just brightened her day even a little...* I'm finding that in the moments where the pain lifts and I'm feeling good, I SO want to hang onto that and feel 100% like NOW! But unfortunately with grief it's 2 steps forward, 1 step back and I can't rush it....nor should I, I guess..... After work at home I am drinking chamomile tea and taking half a calming tablet, so I seem to go to bed fairly ok.... Soon the mornings won't be as bad either.... Hoping to go for a swim tomorrow and start buying some things for the apartment, and then it will be back to work... I still walk with pain in my heart and will for some time I'm sure, but there is small pockets of sunlight starting to poke through* Some people have told me of course she misses you... She probably does but not enough obviously... Hope you are all pushing on. Be the Best you can Be. Be grateful for all the things you DO have* Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 Dear Carus, The more you post, the more I see that we are in EXACTLY the same place emotionally at moment. Yes, feeling the pain is a sad necessity. Strangely, the "better" times during this mess, seem MORE beautiful and natural to me than before, however fleeting... Make sure you cry and scream if you need to.. it's far better than keeping it in. It's also good that you have an appetite and can eat. There is no point starving yourself over anyone or anything. It's also definitely therapeutic to try and help others where possible. Over the last 2 months I think I have, almost subconsciously, been more considerate towards others. Swimming and retail therapy also sound great ideas buddy The pain in your heart makes you a good human..it is your loyal companion for now. I am absolutely certain she does miss you buddy. Just because you are on different paths doesn't mean she doesn't care. Keep pushing on mate. Hoping on a sunny day for you ahead. Always. Link to comment
Gettinup Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 Hi Carus, Sputnik Good to read you are both doing well today. Couple of bits you both mentioned I fully agree with. “One nice thing today which I recommend and will do more of: I was standing in the street. A lady was walking past looking a little solem. She looked at me and I gave her a smile and a nod. She smiled back as she went past...I knew I had just brightened her day even a little...*” “It's also definitely therapeutic to try and help others where possible. Over the last 2 months I think I have, almost subconsciously, been more considerate towards others.” Helping others certainly does create a good feeling; I also found that I had a lot more empathy for others too. “Hoping to go for a swim tomorrow and start buying some things for the apartment, and then it will be back to work...” Retail therapy is the best, I got straight on with rearranging the house and buying stuff that reflected me, so go nuts mate with the stuff for the apartment. You’re both doing great, baby steps day by day and you got this. Link to comment
redsox22 Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 Carus- I don't have anything new to add but I've been following along and wanted to say I think you're a strong person. You know you will get through to the other side of this. And you know you have to do the work to get there. I wish there were something to say to ease your pain on your journey but the only thing any of us can do is be here for you, listen to you, validate your feelings and cheer you on. Wishing you peace. Link to comment
Piaresssss Posted November 26, 2017 Share Posted November 26, 2017 Carus with that apartment on the beach it would be a crime not to learn how to surf. If that was me i would be out there everyday and all that exercise would do you the world of good. I hit the weights when im down and it does help. Not only gets out frustration but clears the mind too. Stay strong all of you. Link to comment
Carus Posted November 27, 2017 Author Share Posted November 27, 2017 Hi Family, Another long day on the road and finally home* Carus with that apartment on the beach it would be a crime not to learn how to surf. If that was me i would be out there everyday and all that exercise would do you the world of good. I've been a big wave surfer all my life...S'why I wanted to live on the beach...even though there's no surf at this particular beach lol But I spend my time going up to Indonesia...I used to go exploring up there with my wife and she loved it...Now I guess I'll go by myself.... I hit the weights when im down and it does help. Not only gets out frustration but clears the mind too. I agree...there's actually a gym somewhere in this building...I just haven't been able to find it yet lol I do swim laps most days though and I so look forward to getting back to that once I'm settled..... Journal - Progress* My grieving seems to have a bit of a regular pattern going now. The mornings are still extremely brutal but then it starts to lift as the day goes on... Then around 7pm a big meltdown, and then I seem ok by the time I get home..... HOWEVER, I had the usual morning spit today, then things picked up....and stayed up Yay! When we start to feel good we want to rush it...We want to hold onto that. We want to be 100% better NOW! But I know I still have a ways to go....Even though I only had one big meltdown today my heart is still heavy and I'm still a bit teary eyed... I've started writing a list of the negative side of my exwife and stuck it on the fridge. It's kinda hard to come up with stuff coz she really is a great person, but I need to try and tap into that...I need to have some sort of leveredge... I've been looking at some dating sites...Not to get into a new RS coz I'm nowhere near healed yet, just to interact with other girls.... I got a nice email from a cute girl saying how cute I am, which obviously made me feel good... Then later, I was standing at the airport and there was a gorgeous girl sort of hanging around behind us...I kept looking at her and she was glancing at me, until I just though "Bugger it. I'm going in"....We talked for a bit and it was really nice....I probably would have asked her out but I had to leave.... But again, I'm still a bit gun shy and just practicing..... So I can feel the heaviness creeping back already and it will probably be there waiting to greet me in the morning, but today was the best I've felt since I fell off the cliff so I am happy about that* So here's a question for you all: I recently got in touch with a friend of mine from Uni 5 years ago. He is Sudanese and I am helping him with supporting the widows and orphans over there caused by the war (nasty stuff)...When I told him what had happened he was quite distraught. He holds me in very high regard and knew how much I loved and supported my wife.... He then told me that around 2 years ago, him and his wife separated for 7 months...She even moved out of the state to the other side of the country..! But yes, she came back and they have 2 children now...(lucky ba*tard)... I asked him how long they didn't speak for...he said, 7 months! So he told me that what he did was to forge on with his own life but he held onto hope. He told me to take heart, stay positive and active and keep hope in my heart.... I can understand that and he's obviously feeling great coz his wife came back....This is probably more the exception than the rule... But I don't know about holding onto Hope...I don't think my wife will ever come back..(he said that is negative thinking and I guess he's right)... But Hope can keep you stuck no? Hope can keep you alive but at what stage do you have to just let go and accept the reality of what is? I'd like to hear some thoughts on that.... Anyway, today was a good day (mostly) and tomorrow is another day closer* Peace Carus* Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted November 27, 2017 Share Posted November 27, 2017 Carus Never stop having hope....Never... Hope keeps us forward... It is part of us being human... You can have hope and still move forward with life... You can have hope, but no expectation... Right now you are meshing expectation with hope... You have to separate hope from expectation... Basically keep hope alive, just don't expect anything, allow it all to happen naturally, do not force it... But do hope, cuz hope is what keeps us being human.... Hope is positive energy... I think that is what your friend said....or meant.... On the other note my friend... I am now 3.5 months of no contact and I still wake up thinking of her... And I have to quickly tell myself that my reality is different... Accept it for what it is, and go on with my day... Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted November 27, 2017 Share Posted November 27, 2017 Well said Mikey.. you NEED to have Hope dear Carus (but don't expect anything).. I concur re the mornings.. they are still rancid. I try to have happier thoughts before I go to sleep. The days aren't too bad, relatively speaking, but she is never far from my thoughts. Glad to hear you are dipping your feet back in the water (practising) Carus.. you will be a fine catch for a deserving suitor one day. It's good that you also had a better day today. Keep it moving forwards buddy. Link to comment
Carus Posted November 28, 2017 Author Share Posted November 28, 2017 Thanks guys...Well I have Hope for Me! Journal ~ Pain Level 3 out of 10. Waking up in the morning, same ol' bleh....But pushed through and got on with the day.... Organized a little bit of furniture and two dear friends came and sat with me for an hour...That was nice. Both of them have been through some real nasty stuff so they fully understand what I'm going through...like only those who have can... I found the gym in the building today and had a quick whip around the machines...I am going to try and get in there at least every second day. I swim laps when my work schedule allows for it and when it doesn't, I'll do a quick gym....Because it's part of my rent here, that inspires me to make use of it..! I'm talking to people and saying my EXwife now instead of my wife...I hate it. I used to so love saying 'my wife'...I was so happy and proud to be in that marriage...and I guess she was for the most of it...But I gotta get used to it so might as well start now... Despite the rough as usual morning, I didn't actually cry or meltdown...that's a first! There was a pain level of about 3 out of 10 that sat with me the whole day but by 7pm I thought I was going to do my first whole day with out a meltdown...But then... I saw the guy I was just living with at work and he said he had a redirected letter for me.... When I saw my name and my old address on there with a black cross through it and the words 'Not At This Address' it just triggered me and I headed for the carpark... Thankfully it didn't last long and I felt better afterwards...and now as I lay here writing this my heart feels ok...The pain is definitely easing up.... Day by Day.... I do hope you are all all pushing on....I know you are.... Be the Best you can be...And Build..! Keep it moving forwards buddy. Roger That* Carus* Link to comment
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