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About redsox22

  • Birthday 01/01/1972

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  1. Lost- I would feel guilty about it while I was shopping and would think about it a bit afterwards but not for too long afterwards. More often it is the thought of doing it and how it makes me feel that stops me from doing it. I just spent about $250 on clothes for my son to go away to sleep away camp for 2 weeks. He won't have access to laundry so needed more shorts and t-shirts etc to last him 2 weeks. I was fine spending this money. At the same time I looked for a summer dress for myself and had a hard time feeling ok about spending $80 which was full price and found one on the sale rack for about $37 and was ok with that. Then I was shopping for a birthday gift for a friend and thought to myself, well I spend enough money today I should wait and shop for the birthday gift another day. This doesn't even make sense logically because 1- it means I will have to make another shopping trip and I really don't enjoy shopping much and 2- because the money will come out of the same account whether I spend it today or next week, it doesn't change a thing.
  2. All very good points from everyone who replied- and all the things I would say to a friend who posed the same concerns to me and what I even say to myself! But being logical and rational is not the problem. Actually changing how I feel about spending money is the problem. I do go to therapy every week and I discuss this with my therapist, among other things. I know it is not rational and I know I can't take it with me!I I actually don't spend much time thinking about money or even looking at my accounts. But when it comes to spending money I find it difficult. It is a mindset that I know I need to change. I am struggling with the how to change it part. For example, my husband was discussing with me that some of his stock options that were part of his compensation are now vested and he can sell them and we will have some money in cash. He was asking how we should invest it and we talked about it. To me it didn't matter what the amount was, it could be very little or a lot, it is like it is not even real. What is real is that I need some new work clothes for the summer and I need to go shopping. I don't like to shop very much and I think that clothing is too expensive sometimes. I will limit myself to only buying things on sale or only a few items so the overall bill isn't too high. It is like my internal limit is set in my head and I have a hard time going over it. Even though I could go out and spend say $1000 on new clothes and it wouldn't matter to my bank account at all, that doesn't feel prudent. To the poster who says to travel- yes, we do travel. I have traveled all over the world and I do it without spending a lot of money. When I was young I would stay with friends, take trains, stay in hostels, etc. Now that I am older and I travel with my husband I let him make the hotel arrangements and I don't think about the cost. He handles the arrangements for trips and I am ok with that, I am able to go and enjoy and not stress too much. My husband is in the financial industry and so we do have a financial plan and have a clear idea of what we need to retire and how to invest etc. It feels good that we are in a good position, but it doesn't help with the every day challenges around money. It does help if I earmark money for certain things, like say X amount of money is for new clothes and I give myself permission to spend that over time. It makes it easier but it is still a struggle. Or if I need new running shoes, I am ok with buying them because I need them but I will spend a long time looking for a sale. Paying full price for things is extremely hard for me! Thanks for all the input and advice. It has been helpful and it is also helpful to know that I am not alone in this struggle!
  3. Thanks for all the responses. I know I am not alone in feeling this way and I also know that is a problem of my own making. I have wrestled with this for a long time. I do see a therapist regularly and I am trying to work through some of these issues. They are deep rooted for sure. It is not at all based on logic or reasoning, which makes it hard to change for me. I am working on it though and taking small steps. For example, I let my husband handle all the finances when it comes to travel. He makes what I consider good choices and is not wasteful with money but if I know how much things costs, like the hotel and excursions, etc it makes me anxious like we are spending too much (even though we can afford it). If he handles the money part of our trips, and I don't know how much he spent I am more able to go and just enjoy it all and not stress or feel anxious. Not the healthiest solution but better than where I started. I don't really judge how others spend money. If anything, I am envious that they can do so freely. And no, I don't find comfort in being nervous or not good enough. I think it is more of a control and insecurity around money, worrying that I won't have enough at some point. It is easier to deprive myself than my children, family or friends, who I can be generous with. As for my cousin, this is not really about him but rather the situation. He is a great guy, good father, husband, raised with good values, works hard. I don't judge how he spends his money. It is just not something I can wrap my head around. I have an uncle who is quite wealthy, who made his own fortune just like my cousin and I know he is wealthy but I don't know how wealthy. I am more at peace with his wealth because I have no idea if his net worth is $5M or $50M or whatever. Like if I don't really know the details I am ok but knowing my cousin is suddenly worth something like $50M it creates these weird feelings in me. Thanks again for the replies. They have all been helpful to me in one way or another.
  4. I am not even sure where to start. I grew up in a family that didn't have a lot of money. We had what we needed but there was not a lot for extras. I was raised to work hard and live within my means. I have done that. I am in my late 40's and I have a decent job, no debt and about $800k in retirement savings and $400k in non retirement savings and I have equity in my house. I remarried last year and my new husband is fairly well off. We are talking about retiring in the next 10 years after the kids are out of college and living a simple life somewhere near the ocean. We have the financial means to do so, I think. But the thought of not getting a salary and spending savings gives me anxiety. I have a hard time spending money. I have a hard time when my husband spends money on big things, like a vacation or jewelry for me. ( I don't get upset with him over this, it is just hard for me to wrap my head around). I operate from a stance of scarcity. I have always been one to save for a rainy day. I do spend money on travel and experiences over material things but it is hard for me to spend money on anything. I don't obsess over my bank account and wouldn't even miss or probably notice if the balance were say $1000, or $10,000 lower. But I could not take that $1000 much less $10,000 and go spend it. I would agonize over spending it, trying to find a sale for whatever I wanted to buy, or only buying small things. It is as if I am agonizing over the every day expenses, like treating myself to a Starbucks coffee, when I have all this money in the bank. It sounds ridiculous even to me! I don't have as much of a problem buying gifts for others but I still have to wrestle with myself to spend on myself. I feel like I should save that money. Also, it bothers me to know how much money others have. I don't really understand why at all. I have a cousin who just became very wealthy, like tens of millions of dollars, after the company he used to work for went public and he cashed in his stock. I am very happy for him and his family. I truly am. But I am also bothered by this and I don't know why. On some level I think it makes me feel like maybe I am not valuable because I go to work every day and work hard and make about $100k/year, which I realize is a good salary, but nothing compared to $50M. He never has to work another day in his life and has created generational wealth. His success has nothing to do with me and I am happy he is now set for life, so what is going on in my head that this bothers me?? I wish I didn't know how much money he just made. It would be better to just know he did well and is now financially set. I guess I can't wrap my head around numbers that in the tens of millions. I don't think it is jealousy. I don't think I could spend the money even if I had it. As I mentioned above, I am newly married and my husband is fairly well off. I don't view his money as my money, but he does. He would let me spend it and buy whatever I wanted. I don't spend it. I guess I am just putting this out there to see if anyone has an insight into what is going on with me? I wish I could be more relaxed about money but I just don't know how to do that! I know it goes back to my upbringing. It is no surprise to me that I am the way I am but I want to feel differently and be ok with my relationship with money. And why am I bothered about my cousin becoming a multi-millionaire?? Ugh. Thanks for reading.
  5. Hi All, My mom passed away unexpectedly 2 years ago this past June. I feel like some days I have found some peace with it but other days I feel like it is all fresh and new and I just can't ease the pain. I am not in denial and yet some days I just can't seem to accept that she is gone. I grieve for myself and for my children. She was a huge part of their lives. I grieve all the important moments in their lives that she won't share. I was not at all prepared for her passing. It was sudden and she was fairly young. I was with her in the end and it wan't peaceful. I watched as the medical team performed CPR several times over the course of the night and I had to finally make the decision to let her go. I have looked for grief counseling groups in my area and haven't yet found any. I also am in therapy and it helps some. I know there are many others who have lost loved ones and have worse situations that I do. I feel like I need to handle this better but some days all I can do is cry. I guess I just feel lost with this grief.
  6. This has gone way off track. And that’s ok. I realize there are many interpretations of things from folks who only have partial information. Thanks to everyone who chimed in. I really do appreciate the responses.
  7. Of course parents and children should be considered. As I said, it wasn’t on my radar. He’d never made it past regular season the last 2 years. Should it have been on my radar. Arguably yes. And I feel badly it wasn’t. But I didn’t disregard it and chose the date anyway. I didn’t think past the regular season because that’s where it has historically ended for him and I didn’t really know about post season. And college recruiting happens in 11th grade or earlier. Not March of senior year. It just doesn’t. Were he to win the State championship maybe, but that is not likely to happen. Making it to States would the reward. Anyway, it’s hard for me. It’s hard for him. The decision has been made by him. He made the decision on his own and spoke to his friend who he gave his spot to and his coach. He wants to stand by his decision. It hurts me that he had to make a choice. It hurts me that it’s because of me. I’m proud of him though and I have a lot of respect for him.
  8. I didn’t give him that message. He know that too.
  9. I hear you jman. He is a kid who has worked hard and done very well for himself. And I never wanted him to be in a position to have to choose something like this. He is very good and would most likely progress to States. But he is not at the level to compete in college. He knows this, his coach knows this. You can argue this point but it’s pointless and not what this post is about. I have had several conversations with him over the past few days and he is very clear on my position of wanting him to compete. He is also very clear that he wants to go to the wedding. He told me tonight that when he looks back on this down the road he will he happy he chose to be with family and attend the wedding. I feel sad that I didn’t plan better. I feel sad that he is in the position to sacrifice. That is why I’ve posted.
  10. Thank you to all who have replied. I appreciate all the viewpoints. To clarify a few things: a college scholarship or acceptance into college is not on the line. There is nothing after States. It’s just the satisfaction of making it that far. This is the first year he has qualified for post season tournaments and to be honest it was not on my radar when we set the date because he never made it this far before. The strides he has made this season as a result of his hard work have been amazing. Should I have thought about the possibility of him going this far, maybe, probably. But it wasn’t on my radar until the season started this winter and he started to really shine. By then it was too late. I have told him he should not sacrifice for me. I have told him he should go to the tournaments. He told me he has decided. He says he wants to put family and the wedding first.
  11. Hi all, I am not sure what I am looking for here except maybe some understanding and a different perspective. My son is a senior in high school. He is has been on the wrestling team for the past 3 years, starting as a sophomore. He is very athletic and when he sets his mind to something he is very determined. He has worked hard over the last 3 years to really make a name for himself and has become one of the better wrestlers on his team and a co-captain this year. He has been training in the off season as well during the season and it really shows this year. I am getting married in early March. It just came to our attention a few weeks ago that the state wrestling tournament is scheduled for the weekend of the wedding, which is in another state. He can't attend both events. The way to get to the State tournament is to compete at the county level, then regional level and then state level. He is ranked very highly for his weight class and it extremely probable that he would make it the State tournament. Unbeknownst to me, he gave up his spot to another senior wrestler who is also very good but who wouldn't be competing at the county level, and therefore not at the regional or state level. This other wrestler wouldn't be competing because there is someone else on the team who is better and only one wrestler from each weight class gets to compete. This other wrestler would have to cut some weight to move down to my son's weight class but is able to do so and therefore would be qualified to compete in place of my son. My son spoke with both his coach and this other wrestler about what he wanted to do and they agreed. He feels that since he can't attend both events, he is choosing to attend the wedding and that he wants this other boy to have the chance to compete, especially since he is a senior and this is his last chance to make it to the State tournament. They have been friends since 6th grade and they are both passionate about wrestling. He is being very generous and selfless. I am so very proud of my son for his generosity and maturity. I truly am! I am also devastated that my son is sacrificing something so important to him and something towards which he has worked very hard for the past 3 year. He will not get this opportunity again. I know he is making this choice for me. I would never ask this of him and he knows that too. I just can't stop feeling absolutely terrible about him sacrificing this for me. I have always been his biggest supporter and have cheered him on through the highs and lows over the years. As any mother would want, I want the world for him! I don't want him to be limited by me in any way! He has worked so hard and now he will never how how far he could have taken his wrestling career. I know he is being mature and generous and becoming the kind of man I have always hoped he would grow into. And yet, I feel so sad that he has been put in the position to make this sacrifice and I am really hurting inside. Any words of wisdom??
  12. Congrats to you both and wishing you a lifetime of happiness together [emoji323][emoji177]
  13. I don’t even know how to start or what to say here but writing has always helped me process my feelings and gain some perspective, so I’ll start this and hope it helps. I lost my mother suddenly and unexpectedly at the end of June. I’m still trying to process this loss and find some peace. She was very close to me and my 3 children. We are all still stunned and trying to navigate a world without her. A few days ago by 14 year old daughter was in a freak accident involving a tree falling on her while she was resting in a hammock with her 12 year old brother. She is in ICU with a C Spine injury and will require more surgery and a long recovery and we are unsure of the outcome at this time. I am at the hospital with her and we have lots of support from friends to help take care of her brothers and bring whatever we may need or want but it’s very exhausting trying to navigate this new world. My daughter is distraught and in a lot pain, it’s emotionally draining trying to tend to her and see her in such pain. This is a life changing event and we are all struggling with the uncertainty of it all. My mother would have been the first one to step up and be here for me and my children, without hesitation. I miss her even more and feel her absence even more acutely right now. I’m struggling to make sense of this as well as the loss of my mother just 2 months ago. Other stressors- my oldest son is a very bright young man but he struggled with one of his clases last spring and has a failing grade. He is stressed beyond belief at how to fix this situation and it’s hurting his GPA. He is starting to look at colleges and feels very stressed about this failing grade on his transcript. Repeating the class with the same teacher is not a good solution but he may not have a choice if he wants to replace the failing grade. He is very stressed. I was supposed to meet with his counselor this week to discuss options but with his sister in the hospital I don’t know if that will happen. My job is extremely stressful at the moment and has been for about 6 months and before my mother’s passing and my daughters accident I started to explore my options and try to assess how long I could continue on in the current role. I have reached a difficult place with my job and I know I need to find another job for my own sanity and health but doing so right now is more than I can manage. It may be a moot point in a way since I have run out of leave from the time i took off after my mother’s passing and I’m currently on leave without pay. Needless to say I’m stressed about finances and don’t know when I’ll be able to return to work or if I will have a job to go back to. Even if I do the work conditions are detrimental to my mental health at this time. I am not one to whine or have a poor me attitude. I struggle to ask for help or accept help but I am graciously trying to ask and accept in this time of need. And I’m humbled by the outpouring of love and support. I have good moments and bad moments. I know this pain and stress won’t last forever. I’m a strong person usually but boy this is sure testing me!!
  14. Good for you for setting boundaries and sticking to them!
  15. She may have made it clear that she didn't miss you when you spoke last but just as your moods change and you go through this process, so do hers. She may miss you from time to time, hence the bread crumbs. It doesn't mean she wants you back. She just wants to get a quick fix and continue on. It's typical. But you have to see it for what it is. Even if she out right expresses she misses you it doesn't matter. It's not enough. Keep on your path. You're doing well. Time really does heal.
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