Carus Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 Thankyou...been crying for two whole days now....It's ridiculous! And I hate it... I used to love going to sleep....Now I dread it because I know I'll wake up in the morning, and THAT bit is the worst... So I got the final nail today, after doing everything I could in my knowledge and skills to salvage this... It reads: "I am so so sorry you are going through this. I know you are strong. I know you're amazing. But I also know you're human. I wish I could make it all ok for you. But I can't. And I don't know how to deal with that and I'm sorry I haven't been good at it (like contacting you). I just feel awful about everything and when i see you and we cuddle I feel like everything is ok and you're ok for a while and I feel relieved. But I get it. It's not in your best interest long term so I will stop. But god I will miss you. Xoxox" I'm not sure if any of you can see any hope at all in that message but I'm totally gutted.... And no I won't respond to it..... Link to comment
Carus Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 I feel like such an idiot... For 3 months she was the one calling me, in tears, wanting to see me etc.... Saying things like "I miss you...Maybe we can start again....Go on dates....".... And all the while weaning off me and getting more and more adjusted to her new life without me.... And now this..... My chest hurts..... Link to comment
Piaresssss Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 You can read hope into anything so best you don't do it. Try and look at this in a positive light although I'm sure it is very hard. Now you can truly start to heal. No more wondering and hoping. Use this as an opportunity to grow. Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 Thankyou...been crying for two whole days now....It's ridiculous! And I hate it... I used to love going to sleep....Now I dread it because I know I'll wake up in the morning, and THAT bit is the worst... So I got the final nail today, after doing everything I could in my knowledge and skills to salvage this... It reads: "I am so so sorry you are going through this. I know you are strong. I know you're amazing. But I also know you're human. I wish I could make it all ok for you. But I can't. And I don't know how to deal with that and I'm sorry I haven't been good at it (like contacting you). I just feel awful about everything and when i see you and we cuddle I feel like everything is ok and you're ok for a while and I feel relieved. But I get it. It's not in your best interest long term so I will stop. But god I will miss you. Xoxox" I'm not sure if any of you can see any hope at all in that message but I'm totally gutted.... And no I won't respond to it..... C. I have seen many messages in my lifetime... This woman is still in love with you...Or it seems that she is to me... My best advice to you my friend is for you two to meet up face to face and see if you guys can fix this... What I see is that she is actually admitting, taking on the blame on herself... By her saying that she does not know how to make you stop hurting... Basically she is saying that she wishes to be with you in the same space, hold you, etc... Love you, show you her love... She is struggling within herself to do this the right way... She is not moving on and you are on her mind all the time... Again: My EX did not do that... She only would project of what I did... Never blamed herself for what went wrong... Seriously, I think your woman is dying to have you back.... However, make sure it is for the right reasons... Not just cuz she is lonely.... Link to comment
Carus Posted November 20, 2017 Author Share Posted November 20, 2017 Thankyou so much guys for your kind words...I really am in a bad way right now... I have seen many messages in my lifetime... This woman is still in love with you...Or it seems that she is to me... She is struggling within herself to do this the right way... She is not moving on and you are on her mind all the time... It's nice to hear you say that Mikey because I do feel that....everybody knows it....However, that is also what makes this whole situation so damn confusing... I tried being her rock over the last 3 months. I tried to be ok and just let her come to me at her own pace...and to some degree I think it was working... (See Pip? I WAS Mr Strong Heart for a while x) But the fear of her weaning off me got to me and I dropped the ball...and the kitty ran away... I need to fix that fear before I can fix 'us'... My best advice to you my friend is for you two to meet up face to face and see if you guys can fix this... I love you Mikey but we've already been down that road... In the first 2 months of me gone and staying gone, as in I never contacted her, she started going through her own withdrawals and separation anxiety... So she started coming to me with words of perhaps trying to work it out and let's go on some dates etc...which we did and had a lot of fun and slept together etc... We were having lunch when she first brought that up and at that lunch we sat and seriously talked about what we both needed to change to make it work....I truly thought I was golden at that point.... But as the time went on I could feel her drifting away as the weaning did it's thing...and then that fear kicked in and ruined it.... No, I think the best thing I can do now is concentrate on moving on and healing up so that IF she ever does come around again, I will be in a much better place to handle it properly.... You can't try and talk someone into being with you, that just makes it worse. And you should never chase someone who has rejected you. We want to be with someone who wants to be with us 100% right...? At the point of us separating she said through tears that she was Terrified...Terrified of us breaking up..... We all look back at good relationships with rose coloured glasses and in time the good memories outweigh the bad. Right now she is associating difficult feelings with me instead of positive ones...exciting ones...For that to change more time is needed...A LOT more time, and a lot more NC. There definitely is a lot of love there my brother, but sadly it seems that in this day and age, love just isn't enough.... Carus* Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 oh. .it really hurts to read this, Carus. You both seem like good people and it does appear her intentions are a mixture of sincerity and easing her own discomfort at your expense. If I can suggest anything. .Set a firm boundary. She seems to understand reaching out sets you back. She even states so. Maybe it's time to wish her well and ask her not to contact you unless she has a definite change of heart and is ready to work on a reconcilition. No exceptions. Crying is good. .though the grief can be scary at times. Just think of it as purging. The more the better and it's the fastest route to the other side. Hang in there . . Link to comment
EternalOptimis Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 Not trying to make this about me , but two nights ago I dreamt Prince Harry had taken me out ...just sharing .. A nightmare, surely Link to comment
fabact Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 Read 'love must be tough' . By dobson. If anything it will get your mind off the stories in your head and help empower you. I'm not of the mind of giving up, obviously if she wants to give up u don't have a choice, but seems like she's confused as heck. Read the book mentioned. Someone else recommended it on this site and its good. Link to comment
Carus Posted November 21, 2017 Author Share Posted November 21, 2017 oh. .it really hurts to read this, Carus. You both seem like good people and it does appear her intentions are a mixture of sincerity and easing her own discomfort at your expense. You are right...We were such a good couple, admired by everybody... And yes, the breakup was hard on her too so she was weaning off me...which she has done now... Maybe it's time to wish her well and ask her not to contact you unless she has a definite change of heart and is ready to work on a reconcilition. No exceptions. This is pretty much where we've left it....And is why I'm such a mess right now because of the fear that she is determined now to walk her own path... I'm really struggling to deal with that.... A lot of breakups have something the ex did bad that we can perhaps get angry about.... I am struggling to find anything.... Crying is good. .though the grief can be scary at times. Just think of it as purging. The more the better and it's the fastest route to the other side. My god I'm terrified.... Through the last 3 months I've had quite a few meltdowns but always felt better afterwards.... This one just wont stop....Been crying for 3 days now! I feel so broken it's horrible... I need to get on top of it....I've already had two days off work and I don't get sick pay etc.... Hang in there . . I'm trying...I really am...And you guys are a massive help....Thankyou* Read 'love must be tough' . By dobson. Thankyou. I will look it up... I'm not of the mind of giving up.. Neither am I...When I married her on the beach in front of 200+ people, that meant the world to me. I made that commitment... However: ..obviously if she wants to give up u don't have a choice I think this is what it is...At least that's how I'm reading it ...but seems like she's confused as heck. She was...for the longest time.... But I think now she has adjusted far enough for her to be gone now....unless you're seeing something in her last message to me that I'm not....? Thankyou to everyone here....This is truly horrible and traumatic.... I don't know what to do but I do know what to do....if that makes sense.... I just first need to get on top of this uncontrollable crying! Link to comment
Carus Posted November 21, 2017 Author Share Posted November 21, 2017 Maybe it's time to wish her well and ask her not to contact you unless she has a definite change of heart and is ready to work on a reconcilition. No exceptions. I'm really struggling with this... I think she's not going to contact me anymore because she thinks that's what I want...when what I really want is to be back together! I just don't know what else to do. I went this route because I know full well what begging and pleading and trying to convince them does.... So I know what NOT to do...and at least I avoided all that this time around. She was coming to me constantly because her own separation anxiety was obviously not good and I thought maybe if I can just keep that up.... But Pip, and pretty much all my friends say that it would be near on impossible to maintain that....but I did for 3 months. The fear of her weaning off me drove me into the ground and tainted my interactions with her. Ironically that fear seems to have been well founded.... I so hope I can pull up out of this like tonight.... I work out, have a great diet and a good job....and that is all going by the wayside whilst I am disabled by this sickness.... The way our brains work is pretty lame in this sense....I have SO many great friends and people who love me and need me in their lives, yet the rejection by this ONE person makes all the rest seem irrelevant.... I miss her to the extreme....I can't wait to get through this* Carus* Link to comment
dave4443 Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 Sorry to hear that my ex did the same, after the begging failed I thought being friends and there for her was a good idea but for some reason it helps them get over you? which I don't understand since seeing them all the time makes us stuck in a perpetual state of loving them, makes little sense to me but it's the way it is I guess You'll be okay though, I had a crying stage of around a week again a few weeks ago but not had one since after that it was like getting all of it out at once, sadly like you said before it's not linear and can come back but each time it's slightly less painful and slightly less time spent longing. While people are recommending books id recommend getting the audible free trial and downloading the subtle art of not giving a . I was sceptical of all these kinda books but this one is truly eye opening, and listening to someone speak is much easier in the state you're in than trying to force yourself to read. Good luck ! Link to comment
dave4443 Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 The subtle art of not giving a ( f word ) . Forgot it just makes swear words disappear * Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 Hey C. Just as Dave...I am at a point of not giving a F.... Over 3 months of NC and I don't care, I will move on....So will you brother.... I guess this is part of life... And love does hurt...At this point I am at no stage of dating or meeting anyone new...I just have no motivation for it.... My EX did the opposite, she jumped in to a new relationship right of the bet.... And it does sting to know that... It hurts that she did that and did not try to put an effort into us... But I guess that was and is her way of solving things....It did take her near 8 months to ween of me... Technically and according to her, It was over for her when I kicked her and her kids out of my home...That was her end point...Yet she was still hung up on me for months and used that time to work her emotions of me... Not sure if it was a cruel intention to do that to me, was she aware of it, or did she really love me and stayed attached for true reasons?...Not sure...However I allowed it with false hopes and it worked....now she is doing her own thing and I am recovering... She processed the break up already long time ago and I am just starting it.... At first when she walked out for the second time I did my share of pleeding, and it was not attractive... But I only did it for a day or so... Then I went NC...And I don't care anymore what she does and with whom...All I care is that I get myself back on my feet and focus on me and my kids.... Link to comment
Carus Posted November 21, 2017 Author Share Posted November 21, 2017 Sorry to hear that my ex did the same, after the begging failed I thought being friends and there for her was a good idea but for some reason it helps them get over you? The reason is that they are slowing weaning off you....They start off experiencing the separation anxiety, especially if you go NC straight away....so they reach. Out of attachment and desperation (and love I guess) we let them come around when they're upset... But as the weeks go by, they adjust to life without you because you've helped them through that initial rough patch...meanwhile you are left to deal with letting go of the hope that has kept you afloat up til then.... It's brutal and it is the point I have just come to....which is why I can't stop crying....3 months of Hope draining away...The fact I'll never see her again. The death of something that was incredibly special...and the fact that I can't seem to stop thinking I could have done things differently.... But it's done now.... She cried herself to sleep for the first few weeks....I guess it's my turn now.... You'll be okay though, I had a crying stage of around a week again a few weeks ago but not had one since after that it was like getting all of it out at once, sadly like you said before it's not linear and can come back but each time it's slightly less painful and slightly less time spent longing. Thanks Dave...As you probably know, when we're in the space it really feels like it's not going to stop and that perhaps we are truly broken forever... They say that when we die our life flashes before our eyes... I guess we'll never really know that for sure.... But when a relationship dies, THAT certainly does flash by us.....I'm having constant flashbacks and memories and can't seem to switch it off... Good luck ! Thankyou* My EX did the opposite, she jumped in to a new relationship right of the bet.... And it does sting to know that... Yeh boy, that does sting...Been through that one before...! Now you probably don't care now but i will offer you this...That relationship MIGHT work out, it might.....but I wouldn't go putting money on it... Going from one RS straight to another has worked in some cases....but it's a minority... Yet she was still hung up on me for months and used that time to work her emotions of me... Not sure if it was a cruel intention to do that to me, was she aware of it, or did she really love me and stayed attached for true reasons?...Not sure...However I allowed it with false hopes and it worked....now she is doing her own thing and I am recovering... I'm glad your here bud because you are a little further down the road than I am, and it's good to know that I will recover... I would say that your ex probably kept you around because she cared about you and wanted to make sure you were ok (which relieves her of her guilt of hurting you). But unfortunately it has the opposite affect on the poor other person who is letting it happen because of Hope. She processed the break up already long time ago and I am just starting it.... Right there with you buddy.... I guess if my ex can be ok about it, then I can too... She just got a head start that's all.... Although she is swimming in the warm waters of her new found 'freedom', I can't lie to myself and think her life is a bed of roses, coz it's not...And it's even got a little harder since I've been gone.... But as much as it hurts to let go, that is her journey now and I can no longer help It did take her near 8 months to ween off me... Then I went NC...And I don't care anymore what she does and with whom...All I care is that I get myself back on my feet and focus on me and my kids.... Yeh see that is something I was very aware of...And as extremley hard as it is, I didn't want to be doing this 8-12 months down the track only to end up with the same result.. I've got a good friend who has been breaking up and getting back together with his GF/exGF every couple of weeks for 3 years now...!! It's horrible to watch.... And I can't wait to get where you are and get out of this horrible place....sadly that is going to take some time... If I can finish with one positive, I believe that now she is done, the real healing can begin* Carus* Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 Everyone needs to handle it in a way that feels right to them. Absolute hard core NC works for me. I delete numbers, block access (mostly so I am not tempted) I think she's not going to contact me anymore because she thinks that's what I want...when what I really want is to be back together! It looks like you are leaving the door cracked open so she's able to return. There are some theories that suggests that works. It's not the faint hearted. But as you can see, it's at your expense. I know I am repeating myself, but consider telling her you love her and want nothing more in life then to reconcile. . but until that time, if it ever comes, you can no longer be in contact with her. Going about it the way you are now. .the bleeding never seems to stop. You haven't yet even detached. I am sorry to tell you, the grieving has barely begun. ((hugs)) Link to comment
Carus Posted November 21, 2017 Author Share Posted November 21, 2017 Thankyou Reinvent* Let me ask you though: It looks like you are leaving the door cracked open so she's able to return. I know I am repeating myself, but consider telling her you love her and want nothing more in life then to reconcile. . but until that time, if it ever comes, you can no longer be in contact with her. Going about it the way you are now. .the bleeding never seems to stop. I did tell her that^....That is why she said she will stop now....and I'm struggling with 'Have I done the right thing by telling her that??'... So what is it that I'm doing differently to what you suggest...? I know I'm in a dark place right now so this is a bit pessimistic yet probably reality, but I truly feel I won't hear from her again. Carus* Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted November 21, 2017 Share Posted November 21, 2017 Thankyou Reinvent* Let me ask you though: I did tell her that^....That is why she said she will stop now....and I'm struggling with 'Have I done the right thing by telling her that??'... So what is it that I'm doing differently to what you suggest...? I know I'm in a dark place right now so this is a bit pessimistic yet probably reality, but I truly feel I won't hear from her again. Carus* Because it's probably the hardest thing you have ever done. It will get worse before it gets better. As I said previously, the grief is just beginning because up until now you two have still been attached to each other. Detaching is a painful process and it's almost impossible to do it in the presence of the same person. I've used this analogy so much here. It's been helpful for me to think of it as an addiction. (I'll use alcohol as an analogy) You've dialed back on your intake but you still drink small amounts routinely, right? (access to her) You are still using. Total abstinence is really difficult. You go through painful withdrawals. But abstinence is the only way to the other side. Every time you take a drink, you start all over again. One day at a time. It starts now. No. . you may very well never hear from her again. But she knows how you feel and she knows where you live. I've handled breakups every way, including sideways. There are always equally painful but nothing helped me more than toughing it out. I don't know about you but if I was offered a way to cut the time down in between, I'd grab it with both hands. I didn't want to waste another minute more than I absolutely had to feeling that gutting grief. You aren't alone. . . Link to comment
dave4443 Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I know what you mean about thinking it will never end Carus that's the worst part, people always told me it would but it's impossible to imagine but it does happen, grieving this much now is healthy because it can stop you being one of those who is still stuck after years. Sadly we can't change how people feel but feelings aren't permanent you may love each other again but you'll definitely be able to love someone else, in when you get to the day you look at a woman and get a bit of attraction you'll know you're one step forward Link to comment
Carus Posted November 22, 2017 Author Share Posted November 22, 2017 Thankyou so much...Yes the real grieving has started now....I had some meltdowns over the last 3 months but nothing compared to the last 3 days...Brutal. Absolutely brutal...! Mornings are still the worst by far...Waking up to the reality of what is....She used to be the sun in my beautiful morning but now I have to force myself to get up... Still, I managed to get to the pool today and do at least some laps, then I managed to get to work for a while, and when I got home I finally got some food down.... At the moment I am listening to a few of the 'Mouth of the Ape' videos on YT....I find him very soothing... I use to listen to a lot of Get Your Ex back videos, but since I've blown that one up, I'm now turning more towards Get Over Them Stuff.... So it's little by little, day by day for now...Just put one foot in front of the other.... I know I'll love again....This is not my first rodeo....But it won't be for some time.... So let's see how sleep goes tonight...and tomorrow is another day closer* Thanks Again Carus* Link to comment
Carus Posted November 22, 2017 Author Share Posted November 22, 2017 When traumatised, the brain will go into survival mode.... Part of this is the brain 'denying reality' because it's too painful to deal with. One thing my brain is doing is I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that things are not done between us....Like I can actually feel it.... I'm sure this will pass eventually though along with everything else * Link to comment
Mikey383 Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 c. I feel the same for some reason..I feel that somehow she will find a way to contact me....I don't know why I feel that, but its there....I know she has moved on....Like I said...I am not in dwell mode anymore about who she is with, what she is doing...etc.... But I feel that she will find away to somehow contact me.... Like you said.. What ever her path is, it might or might not work out....That is not for me to sort out....Let it run its course... I don't stalk her, I don't look at social media...I went radio silent for over 3 months now and I am keeping it that way...She dumped me...It is up to her to reach out to me.. All I know is that we had a very strong connection and that we were in love..Perhaps one day she will think of me...I don't think that when you have a good thing with someone, that you lose feelings for them...I think you always will love that person.... Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 When traumatised, the brain will go into survival mode.... Part of this is the brain 'denying reality' because it's too painful to deal with. One thing my brain is doing is I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that things are not done between us....Like I can actually feel it.... I'm sure this will pass eventually though along with everything else * During these type of moments, it always helped me to read up on the `Stages of Grief' Denial. . typical, but a cruel game our heart plays on us. It helped me to read it because if I could make some sense of a senseless moment, I knew I wasn't going totally crazy and it was just part of the process. Link to comment
Carus Posted November 22, 2017 Author Share Posted November 22, 2017 Thanks everyone * Ooh look at that, 3:30am and here I am...yep, another sleepless night *sigh* Yes the Kübler-Ross Stages of Grief are well documented and incredibly accurate... I studied that at Uni when I did psychotherapy... Well I'm going back to bed to stare into the darkness, listen to the Ape and hopefully sleep will come. Drink lots of water guys! Bottled of course* Carus* Link to comment
sputnik123 Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 we love you Carus! Link to comment
Carus Posted November 23, 2017 Author Share Posted November 23, 2017 Thanks Sputnik. Right back atcha buddy* Managed to get a couple of hours. But I've woken up in excruciating pain. My heart and my chest hurt so much..! I truly hate this... Link to comment
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