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3/10 Carus? Overall, that's a big improvement isn't it and I'm pleased it's heading in the right direction. Proud of you.

 

When I got divorced 3 and a half years ago, I didn't use the term "ex wife" for a while, so I know exactly how that feels.

 

There are often triggers, that could be set off at any moment, that's perfectly normal.

 

Having the company of good friends is important.. even if it's doing nothing but talking.

 

Tomorrow is likely to be tough.. will briefly be in the same place as her mum in the afternoon, then at same venue as a close mutual friend in the evening.

 

Head down and get on with it.

 

Moving forwards, come what may!

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Thankyou everyone for your support*

 

Journal ~ Pain Level 0(?)

 

Yep, that's right. I went to bed last night so tired and worn out from this process, slept deeply, didn't dream of her (Hooray!) and when I woke up this morning the pain was just not there...That pain that's been crushing my chest for the last (however many days, I stopped counting)....

 

So I went with that and had a good day...a productive day...

 

I went for a quick swim today and I was laying on my towel on the sand listening to YouTube, and I had this real sense that a new girl is on her way to me...a better girl...

 

My exwife 'liked' a post of mine on FB today...Should I call her??

 

But that gave me a little smile...It gave me back a tiny bit of my 'power' that I'd given all to her.....

 

I know that I have a ways to go....Over the day, and laying here now, the pain level has crept back up again to maybe .5-1...so I know it will come again, but this is real progress...

 

I did not expect to wake up pain free like that today...but it's day to day right now I guess...SO, let's see what the morning brings....

 

Keep it movin' everyone....especially you Sputnik*

 

Carus*

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Thankyou everyone for your support*

 

Journal ~ Pain Level 0(?)

 

Yep, that's right. I went to bed last night so tired and worn out from this process, slept deeply, didn't dream of her (Hooray!) and when I woke up this morning the pain was just not there...That pain that's been crushing my chest for the last (however many days, I stopped counting)....

 

So I went with that and had a good day...a productive day...

 

I went for a quick swim today and I was laying on my towel on the sand listening to YouTube, and I had this real sense that a new girl is on her way to me...a better girl...

 

My exwife 'liked' a post of mine on FB today...Should I call her??

 

But that gave me a little smile...It gave me back a tiny bit of my 'power' that I'd given all to her.....

 

I know that I have a ways to go....Over the day, and laying here now, the pain level has crept back up again to maybe .5-1...so I know it will come again, but this is real progress...

 

I did not expect to wake up pain free like that today...but it's day to day right now I guess...SO, let's see what the morning brings....

 

Keep it movin' everyone....especially you Sputnik*

 

Carus*

 

Reading that is bloody amazing.

 

It is so good to see you bouncing back after the rough time you have had of late. I had a good day today but it was nothing on the day you have had.

 

Im hoping this positivity continues and you get everything you deserve.

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Hi Everyone...Thankyou for you thoughts....

 

Unfortunately yesterday was just a day....

 

Today the pain is back, the crying is back and eating and sleeping are slipping away again.....

 

I miss her SO much it drives me to tears...I struggle to keep the images of her out of my head......

 

I'm sure it will ease up again...If anything, yesterday did give me a slight glimpse into what it will be like when I get further down the road...

 

I keep playing fantasies in my head that she will come back but I know that is just the brain making that stuff up because the reality is too painful to deal with right now. It keeps getting fed by stories of people whose exes came back, even though it was some time... I know of 3 friends right now who got back together. 1 was after 5 months, 1 at 7 months and 1 at 8-9 months.....I don't know how to deal with those stories as I just have no hope of that ever happening....

 

This is completely brutal on me and at times I don't think I will survive it, but my heart goes out to those people who are going through way worse divorces than me. At least mine is pretty clean cut despite the withdrawals being so harsh....

 

My heart also goes out to all the poor people in those war torn and poverty stricken countries...Absolutely terrible and I don't know how in the hell they survive!

 

Anyway, I'll push on.....

 

Love to you all

Carus*

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Hi Carus,

Very sorry to hear that mate.

It will come and go like this for a while, but you need to see yesterday's relatively pain-free day as a genuine sign of things to come.

You need to keep a "general" hope for the future, but have no actual expectation that you will reconcile with your ex-wife. Whilst it does happen for people, ruminating on the possibility of such for you will hinder your progress that you have made.

Worst case scenario, you know that she loved you a hell of alot and you will meet someone else who will loves you even more!

I can vouch for the sleeping part and mornings are brutal, but make sure you try and eat every day, as this will only make you weaker for the road ahead.

Keep pushing on mate and make sure to keep your support network involved.

We are all in this together.

Thinking of you buddy.

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Thankyou Sputnik*

You need to keep a "general" hope for the future, but have no actual expectation that you will reconcile with your ex-wife. Whilst it does happen for people, ruminating on the possibility of such for you will hinder your progress that you have made.

I know...I'm trying every day to let go of that...It will take a bit more time....5 years and a truckload of memories to try and get rid of....

...you know that she loved you a hell of alot

Yeh I believe that....It just makes it so confusing.....

 

And I can't but hope that if I remain NC for a long time, the memory of me will eventually get her to contact me...

 

I would like to check in on her and see how she's doing, but it won't be for a long, long time...WAY too painful now....

I can vouch for the sleeping part and mornings are brutal, but make sure you try and eat every day, as this will only make you weaker for the road ahead.

Will do buddy...

Keep pushing on mate and make sure to keep your support network involved.

We are all in this together.

Thinking of you buddy.

Thankyou so much....

 

Carus*

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Sorry you slipped again mate but the fact that you had a good day definitely means you're getting better. Nothing wrong with having hope it kept me going a good few months and by the time my hope had gone I no longer cared about it happening, it's a good emotional crutch to have for now

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Hi All,

 

Just a quick update as it's almost 3:30am here....! I need to get on top of my sleep. I am fatigued and it is affecting my work and my health...!

 

As the days turn into weeks I get these urges to contact her or a feeling that time is slipping away and I need to do something....

 

Unfortunately as you all probably already know, there really is nothing TO do....

 

I almost cracked today and brought one of those stoopid 'Get Your Ex Back' programs....But after reading up on it I kind of just got the point of "Too Hard"....

 

I really think it would be much easier, and better for my mental health, to just push on, heal up and find somebody who actually appreciates me and WANTS to be with me....

 

There are 1000 breakup coaches out there and they ALL state that No Contact is a part of the overall strategy...Some though put a time frame on it and say do 30 days, or 60 days etc and then contact your ex....

 

The majority of them though say that No Contact is just ongoing....until they contact you....if they ever do....

 

And if they don't, then you know how they feel about you and therefore should not break NC either!

 

Mornings are still quite rough and I cried twice today...It comes and I let it come...Does no good to suppress it....Hopefully that is going to stop soon...

 

I still struggle with the fact that she is out there happy and living her life back to normal now whilst I cling to life and struggle through every day. It seems so unfair and a few people tell me that she is not as happy as what I think she is...But I highly doubt she has cried herself to sleep any time recently....

 

But my brain also tells me that because I've never been a dumper, so I don't know that side of the equation....

 

Ok, that is all for now as the drugs are kicking in. I'm still taking a calmative before bed to try and keep me down for the night...

 

I used to love waking up with the sunlight playing on her face and hair....Now I dread the mornings.....

 

Let's see what tomorrow brings....

Ever Forward

Carus*

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Hi All,

 

Just a quick update as it's almost 3:30am here....! I need to get on top of my sleep. I am fatigued and it is affecting my work and my health...!

 

As the days turn into weeks I get these urges to contact her or a feeling that time is slipping away and I need to do something....

 

Unfortunately as you all probably already know, there really is nothing TO do....

 

I almost cracked today and brought one of those stoopid 'Get Your Ex Back' programs....But after reading up on it I kind of just got the point of "Too Hard"....

 

I really think it would be much easier, and better for my mental health, to just push on, heal up and find somebody who actually appreciates me and WANTS to be with me....

 

There are 1000 breakup coaches out there and they ALL state that No Contact is a part of the overall strategy...Some though put a time frame on it and say do 30 days, or 60 days etc and then contact your ex....

 

The majority of them though say that No Contact is just ongoing....until they contact you....if they ever do....

 

And if they don't, then you know how they feel about you and therefore should not break NC either!

 

Mornings are still quite rough and I cried twice today...It comes and I let it come...Does no good to suppress it....Hopefully that is going to stop soon...

 

I still struggle with the fact that she is out there happy and living her life back to normal now whilst I cling to life and struggle through every day. It seems so unfair and a few people tell me that she is not as happy as what I think she is...But I highly doubt she has cried herself to sleep any time recently....

 

But my brain also tells me that because I've never been a dumper, so I don't know that side of the equation....

 

Ok, that is all for now as the drugs are kicking in. I'm still taking a calmative before bed to try and keep me down for the night...

 

I used to love waking up with the sunlight playing on her face and hair....Now I dread the mornings.....

 

Let's see what tomorrow brings....

Ever Forward

Carus*

 

Hi Carus,

 

Firstly, I hope you can get some sleep.

 

Been looking out for your post today and you were in my thoughts and prayers.

 

We are in the same boat with regards to many aspects of this. I urge you to stay strong and keep no contact.

 

Forget these mumbo jumbo time-frame schemes.. you keep it going until you are INDIFFERENT about it.. regardless of how long it takes. You know this buddy

 

I had urges today too (she works very close to where I live), but there is no point to it. Who wants to travel backwards in healing? There is only one way...

 

Mornings are disgusting and should be banned for anyone involved in a break-up from our side! That's my conclusion.

 

I know it's truly heartbreaking to think/know that the ex is alot happier than we currently are.. but I do find myself slightly comforted that I did my best, before and after the split (I think). Sometimes things just are't meant to be, for whatever reason. You KNOW that your ex loved you greatly and maybe still does, but you are not currently on the same path.

 

I fully empathise with the never being a Dumper aspect.. I have always clung onto relationships longer than the other person.. I just don't like giving up I guess.

 

I really hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

 

Ever forward buddy.

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Hey Carus, just dropped in to check up on you. I know exactly what you're going through, as most of us here do as well. You've read my thread and know my sorrow. And I know for a fact that you know, deep down, that it will get better.

 

Don't waste your money on any of the "Get your ex back" programs. Do exactly what you're doing, follow No Contact, grieve, process, be good and kind to yourself, and heal. It's not an easy road, and sometimes you feel like you walked a few millimeters in a day. But you do move forward.

 

I'm glad you're taking medication to help get through this rough time. It helps. It's a tool on the shelf, use it appropriately. That's what it's there for.

 

And, regarding your ex: you really don't know what she's going through. She could be having the time of her life, she could be in worse misery that you can imagine, or anywhere in between. Only she truly knows. I can tell you this, with absolute, 100% certainty, from the recent experience of contacting my ex after I was fully healed:

 

- Time heals almost everything in life. The acrimony, the bitterness, the fighting, the arguments

- She remembers the good things as well as the bad

 

If you two were truly good to each other, those memories will not go away. What fades over time is the pain and misery. This is what we, as humans, forget and tuck away, so it doesn't hurt. What we remember, over long periods of time, are the good things. Once enough time has passed, the good memories resurface and you are at least able to converse in a friendly fashion.

 

This is exactly what happened with my ex and I this week. I was frankly blown away by how genuinely good the conversation between us was. And I realized it was because time had worked its magic, erasing the bad memories and amplifying the good ones.

 

And time and no contact did something else: they gave me the ability to logically view my relationship, over the 4 months or so of no contact, and made me realize that, for all the right reasons, I do no want to be back together with my ex.

 

Go through the grieving process. Have a target to get well, for yourself. Every situation is different. Yours may be different than mine. You may be destined to re-unite. But right now, that's not possible because you need to be well and whole first. That has to come before anything else.

 

You know what to do. Stay the course. I believe in you.

 

Neo

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Hi All,

 

Just a quick update as it's almost 3:30am here....! I need to get on top of my sleep. I am fatigued and it is affecting my work and my health...!

 

As the days turn into weeks I get these urges to contact her or a feeling that time is slipping away and I need to do something....

 

Unfortunately as you all probably already know, there really is nothing TO do....

 

I almost cracked today and brought one of those stoopid 'Get Your Ex Back' programs....But after reading up on it I kind of just got the point of "Too Hard"....

 

I really think it would be much easier, and better for my mental health, to just push on, heal up and find somebody who actually appreciates me and WANTS to be with me....

 

There are 1000 breakup coaches out there and they ALL state that No Contact is a part of the overall strategy...Some though put a time frame on it and say do 30 days, or 60 days etc and then contact your ex....

 

The majority of them though say that No Contact is just ongoing....until they contact you....if they ever do....

 

And if they don't, then you know how they feel about you and therefore should not break NC either!

 

Mornings are still quite rough and I cried twice today...It comes and I let it come...Does no good to suppress it....Hopefully that is going to stop soon...

 

I still struggle with the fact that she is out there happy and living her life back to normal now whilst I cling to life and struggle through every day. It seems so unfair and a few people tell me that she is not as happy as what I think she is...But I highly doubt she has cried herself to sleep any time recently....

 

But my brain also tells me that because I've never been a dumper, so I don't know that side of the equation....

 

Ok, that is all for now as the drugs are kicking in. I'm still taking a calmative before bed to try and keep me down for the night...

 

I used to love waking up with the sunlight playing on her face and hair....Now I dread the mornings.....

 

Let's see what tomorrow brings....

Ever Forward

Carus*

 

Hey Carus

Sorry you’re hurting man I hope things get easier. After my ex and I broke up I smoked like a chimney and didn’t eat or sleep much and dropped 20 pounds not a good thing at all. It definitely comes in waves. Couple weeks ago I was fine and Friday I was crying driving home from work. There’s a video on YouTube by “Dating Guy” get your confidence after a break up. You should really listen to it. It helped me a lot. Wishing you well

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Thankyou all for the replies...It is really appreciated...I've pretty much run out of friends who will talk to me about it anymore....

 

My separation anxiety has been through the roof the last 2 days and I kinda broke NC tonight...

 

Some people we know got married on the weekend...I was s'posed to be at that wedding...My wife still went....

 

So of course, because these people are friends of our group all the pictures started appearing on FB...

 

She had posted a congratulatory message on their wall....and I liked it....*sigh*

 

I had a friend yesterday trying to convince me to ring her...Luckily I am strong enough and wise enough to not listen to that....The problem is though that is does start that little voice going in your clouded brain....but I'm not ready for that yet...

 

Then another friend was saying tonight that she isn't contacting me because she thinks that's what I want...because for 3 months I WAS saying don't contact me unless it's about getting back together.....So yeh, more self flagellation over that one....

 

So we decided that just liking that post wouldn't be like fully breaking NC but may just let her know that we're still on friendly terms....

 

Even if we never got back together I would hope that we can be friendly one day because it really was such a massive 5 years for both of us, and there's been no cheating or nastiness....

 

I spoke with my eldest stepson today (she has 2 boys)...He still want's to go see Star Wars with me next week.....

 

As much pain as I'm in over this, I need to put my own sh*t aside for the kids....They miss me and none of this is their fault......

 

Like Neo said above^, the meds have their place and I've taken a whole sleeper tonight to try and stay down for most of the night....and it's starting to kick in zzzzz

 

I can't wait to get back in the pool and ocean...I've had stitches in my shoulder this week so I've been a little immobile, which hasn't helped my mood. I will try and get into the gym tomorrow though....

 

G'Nite Guys. Keep it movin'

Carus*

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Thankyou all for the replies...It is really appreciated...I've pretty much run out of friends who will talk to me about it anymore....

 

My separation anxiety has been through the roof the last 2 days and I kinda broke NC tonight...

 

Some people we know got married on the weekend...I was s'posed to be at that wedding...My wife still went....

 

So of course, because these people are friends of our group all the pictures started appearing on FB...

 

She had posted a congratulatory message on their wall....and I liked it....*sigh*

 

I had a friend yesterday trying to convince me to ring her...Luckily I am strong enough and wise enough to not listen to that....The problem is though that is does start that little voice going in your clouded brain....but I'm not ready for that yet...

 

Then another friend was saying tonight that she isn't contacting me because she thinks that's what I want...because for 3 months I WAS saying don't contact me unless it's about getting back together.....So yeh, more self flagellation over that one....

 

So we decided that just liking that post wouldn't be like fully breaking NC but may just let her know that we're still on friendly terms....

 

Even if we never got back together I would hope that we can be friendly one day because it really was such a massive 5 years for both of us, and there's been no cheating or nastiness....

 

I spoke with my eldest stepson today (she has 2 boys)...He still want's to go see Star Wars with me next week.....

 

As much pain as I'm in over this, I need to put my own sh*t aside for the kids....They miss me and none of this is their fault......

 

Like Neo said above^, the meds have their place and I've taken a whole sleeper tonight to try and stay down for most of the night....and it's starting to kick in zzzzz

 

I can't wait to get back in the pool and ocean...I've had stitches in my shoulder this week so I've been a little immobile, which hasn't helped my mood. I will try and get into the gym tomorrow though....

 

G'Nite Guys. Keep it movin'

Carus*

 

Dear Carus,

 

You are much stronger than I if you still see the ex on facebook! (it would kill me to look at hers right now). Having said that, I wouldn't call liking a picture direct contact, so you haven't done anything wrong.

 

Your request for NC was correct though. It would only hurt you, unless she DID want to get back with you, so you are doing the right thing buddy.

 

I miss my ex's 2 daughters too, so I know how that feels.. You do what you think best on this (I know I won't see them again in any meaningful way and that also hurts).

 

It's good that there was no cheating or nastiness and I think your ex does genuinely still love you. On my part, there was cheating from her (which then developed to nastiness from her, when I found out - double whammy)..

 

You do whatever you need to do to ensure you sleep and stay healthy.. that is of paramount importance, come what may.

 

Sorry to hear about the stitches, but like your shoulder, your heart will also heal.

 

Always here for you buddy. Stay strong.

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Thankyou for your kind words Sputnik*

 

This morning is quite nasty. I have visions of her in her bikinis at the beach, and also the kids who used to run into our room some mornings and jump on the bed and we would tickle each other and laugh....

 

All that gone because her 'feelings have changed'....Very sad.

 

I might have to try and not post on here every day as part of my healing. I feel l really need to start training my mind towards other things before I TOTALLY lose it..!

 

Hope everyone is taking care of what needs taking care of.

 

Carus*

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I might have to try and not post on here every day as part of my healing. I feel l really need to start training my mind towards other things before I TOTALLY lose it..!

 

Carus*

 

Carus, if I may offer some advice - IMHO, you are not ready to not post here every day. It's absolutely part of your healing to break away from this board. But you're nowhere near that point yet. You'll know when you get there.

 

Instead, I suggest setting daily goals of posting once a day, either word-vomiting or structured format. Talk to us and tell us about what you've done to move forward that day. About things that have set you back. About triggers, feelings, etc. And how you'll stay resolute in your plan to heal.

 

You definitely need other activities and hobbies other than this board. You know what they are, pick the ones that suit you. When you near acceptance in your own grief cycle, you will self-exit this board, believe me I'm here nowdays almost exclusively to try to give back to others some of the good that others gave me when I was suffering so much. And I'm definitely not here every day, nowhere near that.

 

Be good to yourself. Don't give up. We're all here with you.

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Thankyou so much. Not too bad a day today and I'll give an update later after work...

 

But just wanted to drop this here: I've studied breakups and helped many people over the years. I am more than well aware of all the 'Get your ex back' material on the internet...even bought quite a bit back in 2009/10.

 

But I'm quite intrigued by the Ex Solution Program by Clay Andrews.

 

I've watched a ton of his videos on YouTube and scoured all the comments. I've done several Google searches to see if I can find any scam reports...which l can't...

 

So I'm thinking of signing up. Not so much to get my wife back but more of an experiment/project to do over the next couple of months as the healing process does it's thing....

 

The first half of this program is aimed towards healing and getting to a place where you can actually start to reconnect with your ex and see what happens, without spiraling back down into the abyss. These tasks of healing are what I'm most interested in.

 

So I'd like to know if anyone has had any experience with this program?

 

Please don't give me an opinion based on your own skepticism. Like I say, I've been in this industry for 8 years and seen pretty much ALL the books and plans and schemes...

 

But this one seems pretty good and might be good for just the healing journey regardless of the outcome...

 

I'm just not a huge believer in never contacting them until they contact you. Coz in my experience, that may never happen....

 

Back Later*

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I'm just not a huge believer in never contacting them until they contact you.

 

Carus, you hit the nail on the head with how i feel about no contact.

 

I feel it is good for healing but if you have healed and still want to talk to them surley you should act.

 

I wish I had the knowledge of what you are going to do. I flip flop like a fish on land constantly.

 

Anyway, stay positive my man.

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I can't say how much I'm loving you all and appreciating this board right now*

Carus, if I may offer some advice - IMHO, you are not ready to not post here every day. It's absolutely part of your healing to break away from this board. But you're nowhere near that point yet. You'll know when you get there.

 

Instead, I suggest setting daily goals of posting once a day, either word-vomiting or structured format. Talk to us and tell us about what you've done to move forward that day. About things that have set you back. About triggers, feelings, etc. And how you'll stay resolute in your plan to heal.

I appreciate that Neo*, and I will post...maybe a day or two might go by but we'll take it as it comes....

 

On that note:

 

Journal ~ Day...umm...16! Pain Level: 2/10.

 

Today I am grateful for:

1) This board and all the wonderful people who are helping me through this.

2) The fact I have a roof over my head.

 

Despite the rough usual morning, I am glad to report that today was the second good day I've had since being cut off for good. I didn't dream of her but had some nasty visions and memories as I mentioned above^^

 

Anyway I cried for about 10 mins then pushed through that and got up....

 

Some determination to start moving forward crept in today...I mean, how many tears can a person cry over someone who doesn't want them..??

 

So today I went to the gym, went for a walk on the beach, had a good breakfast at the cafe, and finally washed my bed sheets..!

 

This really did lift my mood.

 

Went to work...About halfway through work I had a tinyyyy, tiny taste of ....actually NOT wanting her back...! Of course it only lasted about 20 mins but man!, in that 20 mins the pain was gone and I felt so full....I can't WAIT to feel more like that than the way I am...!

 

My wife loves the pub and all the backyard parties. I'm really not into that scene at all...I never stopped her from going but for a long time she wanted me to be part of that part of her life....

 

After seeing the photos of that wedding, which was a 2 day drinking fest out in the bush somewhere, it set me back for that day, but today it triggered this feeling of not wanting her back if she needs to live that life....

 

I also thought about all the work I've done over the last 2 weeks compared to her just trying to stay extremely busy and partying....Perhaps I will outgrow her and that whole scene and not even want to go back...

 

It was very liberating...but like I say, only lasted 20 mins....overall she is an amazing woman....

 

I came across another breakup video on YT by a guy named Coach Warren....This guy is basically saying what most of them say, but I love his presentation. He has a very soothing voice and plays the best music behind his vid...

 

He is an advocate of holding onto NC and bettering yourself until you hear from them...if ever. There is still a big part of me that believes that. We should never get hung up on or chase someone who has unilaterally changed the rules of our relationship right?...someone who has rejected us....

 

Here is one of his vids for reference:

 

So I haven't signed up for Clay Andrews program just yet. I will sleep on it...His program aims to get you to a place where you can interact with your ex without losing your sh*t...So that aspect of it might be useful regardless of the outcome...

 

So it kind of takes away the fear that I will never hear from her again...because that is a real fear for me at the moment...But I'm sure that will fade over time...

 

I've been smiling at strangers and helping people who need help...one lady in a wheelchair today at the airport....It helps to bring some joy into peoples lives...

 

My grief seems to have a pattern at the moment of bad mornings getting better over the day.

 

Similar to Sputnik and others, I dread the mornings, but let's see what the dawn brings tomorrow*

 

Carus*

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Hey Carus,

 

I am so happy and proud of you that you had such a productive and relatively pain-free day!

 

I really cling on to your mantra below;

 

"Holding onto NC and bettering yourself until you hear from them...if ever. There is still a big part of me that believes that. We should never get hung up on or chase someone who has unilaterally changed the rules of our relationship right?...someone who has rejected us...."

 

That is just so true and the reason for my NC journey now.. I too find myself trying to help out other people more and more in my daily life..

 

The more I think of my ex, the more I know deep down we were not a good fit and neither of us were truly happy. I miss the person I met and am deeply hurt by how the situation was handled, regardless of circumstantial changes..

 

I definitely won't be needing the "how to contact/reconnect with the ex coaching", but you may well need it one day, so kudos to you for being open to it

 

I am curious, do you live near your ex?

 

Totally with you on the daily patterns that have emerged.. keeping busy during the day means it is bearable (at worst), but mornings are abysmal and can be soul destroying.

 

I hope you have a great sleep and an EVEN BETTER day tomorrow!

 

Always forwards buddy.

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