His ex is still in the picture..

[s0fly]

So,

I've been dating this guy for a few months now (known him for over a year.) Yesterday he posted a photo on his social media of him with animals at a fair. I noticed an ex-girlfriend of his commented on the photo writing "YOU'RE THE CUTEST!!

 

I found this very odd and decided to ask him about it. I asked if they are still seeing eachother and he responded with "we are friends why and we talk a few times a month" and he also said "okay so any girl that says that, means i'm having sex with her?"

 

I sensed he was getting defensive about it, leading me to thinking that they really aren't over each other.

 

Personally, I ended on good terms with my ex and we talk ONCE in a year. I don't think there is anything wrong with being friendly with an ex but being "friends" who talk a few times a month and say comments like "YOU'RE THE CUTEST!!

 

That just leads me to believe there's something still going on between them.. Apparently they dated for 2 years and broke up about 4-5 years ago. (No they never had kids or even lived together)

 

I think there's a fine line between being friendly and being friends with an ex. I don't know of any guys i've dated whom they are still "friends" with an ex. Talking a few times a month. Nor i've never had to worry about a guy's ex before.

 

So should I just trust my instinct and just cut this guy out of my life?

[nutbrownhare]

Her comment wouldn't bother me in the slightest, especially if he'd acknowledged me on social media as his partner.

 

However, his defensiveness would. So would putting words into your mouth and turning the tables on you - that's fighting dirty, and suggests he's not someone who would take a constructive attitude to arguments generally.

 

If you feel uncomfortable about the situation, that means it crosses the boundaries of what constitutes acceptable behaviour FOR YOU. After a few months, you're still finding out about each other, and if the rest of your relationship isn't strong enough to cope with this - then, yes, move on.

[Starlight925]

This would bother me, so I get it.

 

Are you two Facebook-official? Does she know about you?

 

I ask, because the photo in question was him alone, with animals at a fair, not with you.

 

Like nutbrownhare says, it's more about his response than anything else. He became defensive, and never tried to understand why you felt uncomfortable with this. That's the unfortunate part. Look into the future, and something happens that upsets you. Do you want your boyfriend to try and understand and work through it with you, or be defensive? Funny thing is, it's not even something that he's doing wrong, it's his ex-GF. If he's this defensive about what someone else is doing, how is he going to react when it's something that he does?

 

FWIW, here's how I view exes: If there truly are no feelings on either side, and they each truly just wish each other well, then it's fine to stay in touch. Then, it becomes simply a friendship, like any other. We wish our friends well, and we cheer for them. We don't usually write "You're the cutest!" on their photos.

[DanZee]

I don't think your boyfriend is responsible for what an ex posts about him on Facebook. And you haven't noted any behavior of his that would say there's anything going on between the two. She probably still has a crush on him, but he probably doesn't have a crush on her anymore. A sure-fire way of driving him away would be to accuse him of cheating on you. If you still want to be with him, drop the whole issue right now or you will be the one breaking up the relationship.

[indea08]

There are hundreds of guys out there who aren't friends with their exes....just saying 😉

[s0fly]

No we're not official on any social media. And he got defensive and started putting words in my mouth. All I asked was if they are seeing each other and he says "so any girl that says that means I'm having sex with her"... I didn't even say the word "sex". If anything I think he's emotionally still involved with her and in contact with her a lot. Why else would she make such a comment in all caps with a heart emoji.. sounds sketchy to me.

[HeartGoesOn]

To each their own, but I'm not in agreement with being friends with exes unless there are children involved. Having said that, I have the same question as OP's, Does his ex know that he's with you?

[s0fly]

I don't think your boyfriend is responsible for what an ex posts about him on Facebook. And you haven't noted any behavior of his that would say there's anything going on between the two. She probably still has a crush on him, but he probably doesn't have a crush on her anymore. A sure-fire way of driving him away would be to accuse him of cheating on you. If you still want to be with him, drop the whole issue right now or you will be the one breaking up the relationship.

 

But he has admitted himself that they are still in contact and are "friends" so clearly he's stringing her along in some way which is why made a comment like this on his post.

[s0fly]

To each their own, but I'm not in agreement with being friends with exes unless there are children involved. Having said that, I have the same question as OP's, Does his ex know that he's with you?

 

I honestly don't know if he's talked about me to her or not. Because we agreed to take things slow and not enter an official relationship just yet. And this is just a deal breaker for me if he's this close with his ex.

[Starlight925]

So, she doesn't know about you, and he puts nothing about you on Facebook. So of course she's reaching out to him about how cute he is, etc. She clearly wants him back. And he does nothing to stop her, nor does anything to dissuade your fears about it, only getting defensive and using the word "sex" when you haven't even mentioned it.

 

Yeah, not a fan. I'm in a relationship now where we've had issues with exes, and issues with his defensiveness, and it's not a good combo. Trust me.

[limichelle]

Yeah him getting defensive would have me questioning everything. If he had just said "No problem babe, I'll delete the comment." Or at least reassure you that she is just a friend, then there wouldn't be an issue.

 

What bothers me is him putting his guard up about it and not understanding your concern.

 

Lisa

[jennylove]

ohhh, games are starting early with this one. I'd say..Cya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

[Andrina]

I was Facebook friends with a guy who wasn't even an ex, just a group friend when we were teens. When he messaged me comments that crossed the line, I deleted him as a friend. I have a husband and I don't need the ego boost from some other guy flirting with me, plus my husband and I share boundaries about not having close friends of the opposite sex, nor do either of us put up with people, like this person, who has a crush on a taken person.

 

Choose a man who shares your relationship boundaries. Life's too short to be regularly upset with a partner.

[figureitout23]

I honestly don't know if he's talked about me to her or not. Because we agreed to take things slow and not enter an official relationship just yet. And this is just a deal breaker for me if he's this close with his ex.

 

Wait, hold up! You two aren't actually in a relationship?

 

That changes everything, like literally everything. He may very well be on the fence about the both of you and the fact that hes so defensive doesn't look good. But it also changes the validity of your accusations. Why would he owe you an explanation about what someone else is doing on social media? Personally, I think outside of a relationship, hes only responsible for his actions. So I dont know...tread carefully though.

[Pleasedonot5]

I think your comments of "seeing each other" might have been misinterpreted as you accusing him of sleeping with her regularly. I'd pay attention to your tonality and phrasing, and if necessary, clarify what you mean next time.

 

The fact that you two aren't in a committed relationship does change things. If there is no expectation of exclusivity, then you have less ground to stand on here. I advise that you talk to your s/o about where you are at, what your boundaries are, and where he's at and what his boundaries are. It's probably not a good idea - for future reference - to go into a relationship / interaction with someone and not know about when it's exclusive. Err on the side of over-communication.

[Jibralta]

Good news that you're not in a relationship with him. His defensive/rude response says it all. If he doesn't appreciate your concern, good riddance.

[Liraele]

I honestly don't know if he's talked about me to her or not. Because we agreed to take things slow and not enter an official relationship just yet. And this is just a deal breaker for me if he's this close with his ex.

 

I think you've answered your own question here. It's a deal breaker for you, you're just second-guessing that level of self-preservation. Listen to it.

[s0fly]

I think you've answered your own question here. It's a deal breaker for you, you're just second-guessing that level of self-preservation. Listen to it.

 

How should I explain to him why i'm ending things?

 

He's going to ask why

[Jibralta]

Tell him the truth.

[s0fly]

Should I just say to him that I'm not interested in dating someone who's ex is still in the picture.

[Jibralta]

Yes, you can say that. But you really don't have to explain yourself or justify yourself to him.

[figureitout23]

Should I just say to him that I'm not interested in dating someone who's ex is still in the picture.

 

Sure, but don't expect a good reaction. You kinda overreacted expecting him to explain someone elses actions when you two arent in a relationship so when/if you stop dating him because of it (which is totally your prerogative and smart if you have any doubt) its going to look like another overreaction instead of a sound, mature decision you made based on his actions.

 

I think just telling him you realized you two dont mesh very well and leave it at that will work just fine.

[jennylove]

Nah, keep it short and simple.

[s0fly]

I think your comments of "seeing each other" might have been misinterpreted as you accusing him of sleeping with her regularly. I'd pay attention to your tonality and phrasing, and if necessary, clarify what you mean next time.

 

The fact that you two aren't in a committed relationship does change things. If there is no expectation of exclusivity, then you have less ground to stand on here. I advise that you talk to your s/o about where you are at, what your boundaries are, and where he's at and what his boundaries are. It's probably not a good idea - for future reference - to go into a relationship / interaction with someone and not know about when it's exclusive. Err on the side of over-communication.

 

He hasn't responded since our conversation about it. I may have overreacted before having all the facts. I don't know how I should reach out to apologize

[Pleasedonot5]

"Hey X, I just wanted to reach out and apologize. I may have come off rude when asking you about one of my fears. I really value you and so I had a hard time seeing your ex communicate with you like that. It made me feel like I was going to lose you, and so that made me lash out a little. I still have those fears, but I shouldn't have lashed out at you like that. I hope we can talk again soon."

 

Something like that? Mess around with it a little so that it makes sense for your situation. Maintain that you aren't wrong for having fears. You are apologizing for lashing out about it is all.