His ex is still in the picture..

[s0fly]

"Hey X, I just wanted to reach out and apologize. I may have come off rude when asking you about one of my fears. I really value you and so I had a hard time seeing your ex communicate with you like that. It made me feel like I was going to lose you, and so that made me lash out a little. I still have those fears, but I shouldn't have lashed out at you like that. I hope we can talk again soon."

 

Something like that? Mess around with it a little so that it makes sense for your situation. Maintain that you aren't wrong for having fears. You are apologizing for lashing out about it is all.

 

Thank you!

[katrina1980]

Thank you!

 

S0fly, pls don't send that. Why would you, you did nothing wrong.

 

And how did you "lash out" you asked a simple question, it wasn't like you tossed accusations at him or anything.

 

To which he responded by jumping down your * and getting super defensive.

 

I know why you want to reach out apologizing, I get it.

 

You haven't heard from him and you're scared you're gonna lose him, so you're compromising yourself, "making nice" even though again you did nothing wrong.

 

Frankly, I'd be more concerned and rethinking dating him based on his defensive reaction, more so than his ex calling him cute on FB.

 

Stay true to yourself and don't compromise what's important. There is a reason you asked him and his defensiveness was over the top and very telling, imo.

 

Good luck whatever you decide.

[katrina1980]

Wait, hold up! You two aren't actually in a relationship?

 

That changes everything, like literally everything. He may very well be on the fence about the both of you and the fact that hes so defensive doesn't look good. But it also changes the validity of your accusations. Why would he owe you an explanation about what someone else is doing on social media? Personally, I think outside of a relationship, hes only responsible for his actions. So I dont know...tread carefully though.

 

Unless I am missing something, OP didn't accuse him of anything, read her OP again.

 

She asked a question.

 

He on the other hand over-reacted to her question, by jumping down her *** and getting all defensive.

 

Everyone is so afraid to ask these hard questions, for exactly this reason. Rocking the boat a little and risking the person getting angry and walking.

 

I say ask away and gauge his/her reaction. If they get angry/defensive and walk, so be it.

 

I know I certainly would want to know if the man I was dating for a few months was still in contact with his ex. It's important info to know, imo.

 

And there was nothing "wrong" with asking.

 

His/her response speaks volumes as to how much they value you and the relationship, and will often tell you more than what you were questioning in the first place.

[s0fly]

Unless I am missing something, OP didn't accuse him of anything, read her OP again.

 

She asked a question.

 

He on the other hand over-reacted to her question, by jumping down her *** and getting all defensive.

 

Everyone is so afraid to ask these hard questions, for exactly this reason. Rocking the boat a little and risking the person getting angry and walking.

 

I say ask away and gauge his/her reaction. If they get angry/defensive and walk, so be it.

 

I know I certainly would want to know if the man I was dating for a few months was still in contact with his ex. It's important info to know, imo.

 

And there was nothing "wrong" with asking.

 

His/her response speaks volumes as to how much they value you and the relationship, and will often tell you more than what you were questioning in the first place.

 

You're right, thank you. All I did was ask a few questions and he took it as me accusing him of having sex with her.

 

And I think I wanted to reach out because I didn't want him to think I was accusing him of that. I want to Sort of clear the air, not get back with him.

[Pleasedonot5]

I don't know all of the details. OP implied she lashed out, so if she did lash out, my advice was tailored to that.

[katrina1980]

You're right, thank you. All I did was ask a few questions and he took it as me accusing him of having sex with her.

 

And I think I wanted to reach out because I didn't want him to think I was accusing him of that. I want to Sort of clear the air, not get back with him.

 

JMO, but when a gf/bf asks their partner a question such as "are you still in contact with your ex?" after seeing a comment from that ex on FB or anywhere else, and the other person becomes defensive and/or attempts to flip it back on them by suggesting or calling them insecure, paranoid, or interprets it as some sort of an unwarranted and unjustified "accusation" such as your BF did here, there is some truth to what you were asking about.

 

A person with nothing to hide would not have reacted that way. They would have given you a straightforward answer and that would be that.

 

Do what you think is best s0ftly, but if it were me, I would be re-thinking whether or not I wanted to continue dating HIM, not reaching out to clear the air or "making nice."

 

Who cares what he thinks, that he thinks you were "accusing" him, that's his problem probably again because there is truth to what you asked and he feels guilty. All you did was ask a question based on a comment you saw on FB form his ex.

 

JMO based on experience (learned this the hard way).

 

Again best of luck whatever you decide.

 

ETA: s0ftly, how is it you felt you had "lashed out"? Is there more to what went down between you and your BF than what you shared here on this thread?

[katrina1980]

Also and again jmo, but I don't get involved with men who still have ex's in their life.

 

Ex's are almost always bad news, just read these boards. And I would want to know this very early on.

 

My ex's are no longer in my life and there is good reason for that.

 

So no, a man who has an ex (or two) still skulking around on FB or anywhere else, no thanks.

 

Not to mention jumping down my * when asked about it.

 

Next.

[s0fly]

JMO, but when a gf/bf asks their partner a question such as "are you still in contact with your ex?" after seeing a comment from that ex on FB or anywhere else, and the other person becomes defensive and/or attempts to flip it back on them by suggesting or calling them insecure, paranoid, or interprets it as some sort of an unwarranted and unjustified "accusation" such as your BF did here, there is some truth to what you were asking about.

 

A person with nothing to hide would not have reacted that way. They would have given you a straightforward answer and that would be that.

 

Do what you think is best s0ftly, but if it were me, I would be re-thinking whether or not I wanted to continue dating HIM, not reaching out to clear the air or "making nice."

 

Who cares what he thinks, that he thinks you were "accusing" him, that's his problem probably again because there is truth to what you asked and he feels guilty. All you did was ask a question based on a comment you saw on FB form his ex.

 

JMO based on experience (learned this the hard way).

 

Again best of luck whatever you decide.

 

ETA: s0ftly, how is it you felt you had "lashed out"? Is there more to what went down between you and your BF than what you shared here on this thread?

 

Well because I don't know If i should have confronted him about it because he's not my boyfriend. We were taking things slow to build our relationship towards BF/GF but then this issue with the ex came up.

[s0fly]

And we never really ended the conversation about it, because my last message was me telling him that, "I find it odd cause I don't know any exes who would make a comment like that unless they are seeing each other"

And he stopped responding after I sent that message. It's been almost a week, he still hasn't responded.

[nutbrownhare]

If you hadn't even got as far as deciding whether you were dating or not, it's just as well to know that this girl was in the picture before you'd got any more emotionally attached. Without hearing your tone of voice, it's not possible to say whether you sounded confrontational or not; after all, "Are you seeing her?" was just a straight question which could have been asked out of curiosity. It's also not an unreasonable one.

 

Whatever, trying to start a relationship with someone who's clearly already got one foot out of the door is never going to serve you well.

[katrina1980]

Well because I don't know If i should have confronted him about it because he's not my boyfriend. We were taking things slow to build our relationship towards BF/GF but then this issue with the ex came up.

 

There are no "shoulds" when it comes to matter of the heart. You've been dating him for a few months, you are involved.

 

You saw the comment and wanted to know so you asked.

 

Own that, there is nothing to be ashamed of or apologetic for.

 

Take care of YOU.

 

Like I said, exclusive or non-exclusive, personally I don't get involved with men who still have ex's lurking around.

 

I don't care what the "rules" say, I make my own rules and define my own boundaries and what works (or doesn't work) for ME.

 

So should every woman and every man too for that matter.

 

If the man I'm dating doesn't like it, HE is free to walk. As am I.

 

No hard feelings, and would wish him the best.

[katrina1980]

And we never really ended the conversation about it, because my last message was me telling him that, "I find it odd cause I don't know any exes who would make a comment like that unless they are seeing each other"

And he stopped responding after I sent that message.

 

It's been almost a week, he still hasn't responded.

 

Re walking away, it would appear that this is what he has chosen to do.

 

So let him walk and you move on as well and find a man with whom you don't have to play these types of back and forth games.

 

They're silly, and shouldn't be happening when it's right between two people.

 

This has been said a zillion times, but these early stages are for observing each other's actions to determine whether or not he/she is right for us long term.

 

Proceeding forward/ending it is as much your decision as his.

 

And just to know, I am all for compromise. I am all for understanding his position and being fair. Perhaps even more so than the average girl.

 

But I have my boundaries and when a man responds to a simple question like the one you asked, which you had every right to ask, with defensiveness and now ignoring you, no thank you!

[s0fly]

Re walking away, it would appear that this is what he has chosen to do.

 

So let him walk and you move on as well and find a man with whom you don't have to play these types of back and forth games.

 

They're silly, and shouldn't be happening when it's right between two people.

 

This has been said a zillion times, but these early stages are for observing each other's actions to determine whether or not he/she is right for us long term.

 

Proceeding forward/ending it is as much your decision as his.

 

And just to know, I am all for compromise. I am all for understanding his position and being fair. Perhaps even more so than the average girl.

 

But I have my boundaries and when a man responds to a simple question like the one you asked, which you had every right to ask, with defensiveness and now ignoring you, no thank you!

 

Youre right i probably shouldn't reach out. He decided to walk away by still not responding after a week.

[Pleasedonot5]

I actually agree with katrina, s0fly. I wasn't aware of the context of your conversation - thought you had meant that you were rude or nosy. I think it is okay that you brought up your concerns in a neutral way, and so I'm not sure an apology is necessary. Looks like he's made his choice.

[Jibralta]

And we never really ended the conversation about it, because my last message was me telling him that, "I find it odd cause I don't know any exes who would make a comment like that unless they are seeing each other"

And he stopped responding after I sent that message. It's been almost a week, he still hasn't responded.

 

Looks like you are off the hook for ending things with him!

 

That was easy.