Newlyweds & another harsh argument - Have I been unreasonable?

[LaHermes]

"we've been off to a rocky start"

 

That is the understatement of the year. And it will get rockier.

 

uninvited me to attend the wedding with him.

 

So, yeah... my husband told me I will not be his date at the wedding, and he is going alone.

 

And you are prepared to tolerate this kind of treatment. He is immature, entitled, self-absorbed and given to toddler tantrums at the slightest thing. Does this seem normal to you?

Why is he so angry with you? He just happens to be an angry and tantrum prone child in an adult's skin. That's why. And he probably didn't want to get married, harsh as that may sound.

How could you contemplate a honeymoon with this individual? It is so evident from your post that he doesn't love you, and worse still has no respect for you.

 

Moving on. Do visit my country some time, on your own. I am Irish.

Yes, it is a small island (lol) and last year 2016 we had 8.8 million tourists, a huge number of which from the U.S.A. And guess what, ALL the car rental companies here do have automatic vehicles for rent!!!! And many Irish people drive automatic cars. Do read up a bit about this place before you come though. Things have moved on a lot since the days of "The Quiet Man". L.

I should add that Ireland is quite expensive. Getting here by air from U.S. is not that expensive if one books in advance. It's when you get here that you need the money!! Car hire is appallingly expensive over here. Public transport isn't cheap either, but a good train service links the major cities.

 

Look after yourself, extricate yourself from this nightmare and spend your money on yourself.

 

You remarked:

 

"I sometimes wonder if he really doesn't want to be married, and is looking for easy fights."

 

Your instinct is right there and it is a huge pity you didn't act on it before the marriage. By the sounds of it he didn't want to marry and doesn't want to be married.....

[Snny]

Your husband is selfish and unreasonable .

 

And, why the hell are you taking money from your 401k. Have you looked at the tax consequence? Not smart!!!'

Just to piggyback...

 

If you can't afford a honeymoon, you simply don't go. You should NEVER pull out loans or retirement just to take a trip... It's not financially smart just as some posters here echoed. And please don't start a "Honey Fund" as a wedding "gift" because it's straight up rude to ask money from your guests (plus you don't get 100% of the money that was chipped in).

 

Most responsible married couples don't go on honeymoons right after their wedding anymore because of how expensive they are (especially after putting down money on a wedding) and the time to take off from their jobs... so they "delay" it after a year. It's what my husband and I did. We really wanted to go to Disney World or Hawaii, but we couldn't afford it- we settled on going on a cruise. It was so surprising how cheap cruises were compared to paying homage to the almighty cartoon mouse!

 

As for the "honeymoon" trip to Ireland, my husband and I visited his family in the Philippines a week after our cruise. They paid for our airline and we visited, but my husband and I DID take some private time aside without his family to go to some places in the Philippines by ourselves- and they respected that. We had money left over from our cruise because we took a YEAR to save.

 

I'm sorry, but I would not stay married to your husband if I were you. Him putting needs of his family and friends before yours and then verbally abuses you would not fly. Was he seriously always like this before you married him? I am willing to bet he was.

 

It's also incredibly rude to not invite/uninvite your SO to a wedding. As a former groom, he should know better. Did he tell his wedding guests who were in relationships that their SOs/spouses were not invited to his wedding? I sincerely hope you guys didn't tell your friends and family that.

[faraday]

Flyingkites shouldn't take her place off the market...but not because she should move in with her husband, but because she needs to find a place that fits better in with her budget. In her last thread she talked about being barely able to afford it. So sell it and buy something that you can afford on your own...and flyingkite...it's time to let this guy go. I like you. Your posts are articulate and you seem to be thoughtful and kind. You talked about wanting kids...it's not a good idea with this man. Rid yourself of him- you're running out of time (if you want a biological child). Find someone who is kind and adores you and will do whatever it takes to make you happy. You deserve it. You're good people.

[LaHermes]

What Farady just said:

 

"Find someone who is kind and adores you and will do whatever it takes to make you happy. You deserve it.

 

Please FlyingK. Don't waste your valuable life.

[Seraphim]

Flyingkites shouldn't take her place off the market...but not because she should move in with her husband, but because she needs to find a place that fits better in with her budget. In her last thread she talked about being barely able to afford it. So sell it and buy something that you can afford on your own...and flyingkite...it's time to let this guy go. I like you. Your posts are articulate and you seem to be thoughtful and kind. You talked about wanting kids...it's not a good idea with this man. Rid yourself of him- you're running out of time (if you want a biological child). Find someone who is kind and adores you and will do whatever it takes to make you happy. You deserve it. You're good people.

 

Yes, if that is the case sell and buy something you can afford and ditch him . I would get a lawyer fast and find out how the selling and buying would affect the fact that you are now married and if he could claim any portion of that .

[Hollyj]

Just to piggyback...

 

If you can't afford a honeymoon, you simply don't go. You should NEVER pull out loans or retirement just to take a trip... It's not financially smart just as some posters here echoed. And please don't start a "Honey Fund" as a wedding "gift" because it's straight up rude to ask money from your guests (plus you don't get 100% of the money that was chipped in).

 

Most responsible married couples don't go on honeymoons right after their wedding anymore because of how expensive they are (especially after putting down money on a wedding) and the time to take off from their jobs... so they "delay" it after a year. It's what my husband and I did. We really wanted to go to Disney World or Hawaii, but we couldn't afford it- we settled on going on a cruise. It was so surprising how cheap cruises were compared to paying homage to the almighty cartoon mouse!

 

As for the "honeymoon" trip to Ireland, my husband and I visited his family in the Philippines a week after our cruise. They paid for our airline and we visited, but my husband and I DID take some private time aside without his family to go to some places in the Philippines by ourselves- and they respected that. We had money left over from our cruise because we took a YEAR to save.

 

I'm sorry, but I would not stay married to your husband if I were you. Him putting needs of his family and friends before yours and then verbally abuses you would not fly. Was he seriously always like this before you married him? I am willing to bet he was.

 

It's also incredibly rude to not invite/uninvite your SO to a wedding. As a former groom, he should know better. Did he tell his wedding guests who were in relationships that their SOs/spouses were not invited to his wedding? I sincerely hope you guys didn't tell your friends and family that.

 

OP, why did you marry this guy???

[boltnrun]

Please, please do NOT have children with this man!

 

What will he do if there's something he wants to do and the children get in the way? Will he insist that you and the children live in the unfinished house in the bad neighborhood because HE WANTS TO!!!!!? And will he threaten to leave you and the children alone every time he doesn't get his way? Will you plan a family vacation only to have him get into one of his childish snits and uninvite you and the kids???

 

How he is today is how he will be forever. Can you deal with your childrens' father behaving the way he does?

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, FK. I could see giving benefit to husband's resistance to your choice of sites given that he knows the lay of the land, and something that looks simple on a map may present difficulties I hadn't considered. However, there was nothing 'wrong' with attempting to negotiate those sites into a compromise, and husband's reaction to that wasn't just stubborn, it was punitive.

 

That's a relationship killer, because without negotiation and compromise, there is no partnership.

 

I agree with those who advised against using 401K money for ANY purpose beyond survival. Keeping one's home afloat, maybe, but using it on a trip spells desperation about something far deeper--and it didn't take long for that to rise to the surface.

 

You've more than compromised in your living arrangements with this man, and understand, your current home is YOURS because you owned it before marriage. If you sell it, those proceeds are yours, but if you buy another property while married, husband will likely own 50% of it automatically.

 

I'd rethink that.

 

I'd consult a matrimonial attorney before selling, and I'd learn my options for self protection. Seeking legal advice is NOT the same thing as filing for divorce--it's information gathering, and it's smart.

 

You've been operating on emotions alone, and I'd quit that. I'd seek legal advice to learn all factors in decision making. For instance, your state may provide you financial protection against further debt incurred by spouse if you file for a legal separation. That's not the same thing as a divorce, and it may allow you the time and space to consider your marriage--it may also provide you the protection to purchase a more affordable property.

 

Meanwhile, I'd stay where you are in your own home unless and until husband opts to behave like a partner instead of an adversary.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[LaHermes]

Not a chance,CatF.

 

"until husband opts to behave like a partner instead of an adversary.

"

 

It is so evident he didn't want to become a husband (never mind a partner in life) in the first instance.

[thealchemist]

It doesn't sound like this guy was worth two cents before you were married. He sounds like a spoiled child. You also sound like you pretty much let him walk all over you.

 

It seems like he married you because he wanted a pushover for a wife and figured he could get his way with you easily. I would bet you are just an upgrade from his mom to him. He has no idea what a marriage is.

 

I am sure him mom enabled his behavior as much as you do now. I can totally understand why HE is with you. I cannot fathom why you are with him.

 

A marriage is about having each others' backs and working as a team against life's challenges. It isn't about wiping your husband's backside because he can't take care of himself. Or enabling him to always have his way because you don't want him to throw a fit.

 

You don't need any more children. Sounds like the one you already have is a hand full.

[faraday]

Are you still around FlyingKites? I know that it's a lot to take in and it's probably not what you were hoping to hear...how are you doing? Have you and your husband talked yet?

[LaHermes]

I fear the OP has gone.....

[Hollyj]

Unfortunately, I think she will return, after having a miserable time on that trip.

 

I still do not get, getting into the 401k. So foolish!!!!!

[LaHermes]

You are probably right Holly.

 

I find it all so disheartening.

 

"I do feel that I am quickly learning that life together will be lived to his specifications exactly, with no room for compromise. That is stifling."

[Snny]

You are probably right Holly.

 

I find it all so disheartening.

 

"I do feel that I am quickly learning that life together will be lived to his specifications exactly, with no room for compromise. That is stifling."

No offense, but she seemed to have walked into that marriage blindly if that is how her husband treats her. His behavior didn't just happen overnight.

 

She is not a fool for asking for advice, but a fool for nit taking it once it's given.

[LaHermes]

I fear not even "blindly" Snny, but with full knowledge of what he was/is like.

 

"The wedding invitation debacle was awful. It took us days to sift through and end that argument, and I felt like we reached a good point in the end. He is attached to this home - it's where he grew up, and he has strong opinions. But given his wedding stance comment, I dug pretty deep into that argument to find our "peace". He ultimately apologized and said he wanted to get married. But truth be said, his apology did not come easily. He's never quick to say I'm Sorry to anyone.

"

 

It sounds like an absolute nightmare.

[faraday]

If people were commenting like this on a thread I posted, I wouldn't come back either.

 

It's not like she's cheating, or doing something mean. She's hoping for the best from a man she loves. She seems kind...maybe a bit naive, but we all are until we go through a situation like this...maybe until now she's been lucky.

[LaHermes]

OP said in her first post.

 

Why is he so angry with me? Any/all feedback is warmly appreciated!

[flyingkites]

Hello everyone! Wow, I just read through all the comments, and I thank you all for the advice/insight/opinions. It was equally heart-bolstering and heart-wrenching to read them. Thank you to every single person who took a moment out of their day to respond to my post. I'm still processing all of the comments, and will reply more thoroughly and individually when I've had some time to better parse through them. I appreciate the financial and legal advice as well!

 

I was MIA yesterday... I moved the majority of my items from his home, and moved back into my own. I also spent the night at my parents' home visiting, and that was a nice distraction from everything that has happened in the last few days. Just home now and getting settled back into my affairs.

 

My husband was at an overnight bachelor party last night (for his best friend who's getting married on the East Coast in a couple of weeks). He knew I was planning to move out yesterday, and we chatted a bit via text yesterday. He opened with "I hope you don't move too much stuff out today", maybe implying that this should be a temporary distance. Our texts devolved from there, because I was in no mood to be understanding or charitable. He stopped over at my house today, but I didn't want to speak with him and asked him to leave. I'm assuming he wanted to talk, but I didn't give him a chance to say anything. It was heart-breaking closing the door on him - I love this man - but he seems to be choosing to remain willfully ignorant of what a marriage is, how to compromise, and trying to find a balance for our mutual happiness. When he was driving away, he sent me a text saying he wants to try to go to counseling.

 

The money will go back in the 401K, and I do plan to keep my house on the market. Given the property tax hike this year, I do need to sell it in order to feel more secure in my finances.

 

I think I was naive, and put blinders on for the man I love.

 

Hollyj asked why I married him... Because in many ways we fit together. When we're not arguing, we are quite happy. We've been friends since we were 20 years old, and we both had a mutual crush on one another for YEARS... but we never had a chance to do much of anything because he moved to Ireland and I lived on the East Coast. He makes me laugh, and is generous with his time and affection (until we fight, and then he is an adversary). We enjoy many of the same things. I don't know... it's hard to type up the dynamics of everything leading you to fall in love with someone, but hopefully I did it a little justice here.

 

Flyingkites shouldn't take her place off the market...but not because she should move in with her husband, but because she needs to find a place that fits better in with her budget. In her last thread she talked about being barely able to afford it. So sell it and buy something that you can afford on your own...and flyingkite...it's time to let this guy go. I like you. Your posts are articulate and you seem to be thoughtful and kind. You talked about wanting kids...it's not a good idea with this man. Rid yourself of him- you're running out of time (if you want a biological child). Find someone who is kind and adores you and will do whatever it takes to make you happy. You deserve it. You're good people.

 

Faraday, this is such a kind statement, I wanted to thank you now, and directly. Ever have a moment where your world is going to hell in a handbag, and someone - a virtual stranger, perhaps - says something so unexpectedly kind that it brings a lump to your throat? That's me, now. Thank you.

[LaHermes]

I can only imagine how hard for you FK. You did your best, and you sound like a strong, sensible person.

 

"It was heart-breaking closing the door on him - I love this man - but he seems to be choosing to remain willfully ignorant of what a marriage is, how to compromise, and trying to find a balance for our mutual balance.

 

The money will go back in the 401K, and I do plan to keep my house on the market. Given the property tax hike this year, I do need to sell it in order to feel more secure in my finances.

 

I think I was naive, and put blinders on for the man I love. "

 

Just to send you a big hug.

[LaHermes]

Just to add OP.

 

And keep this in the front of your mind.

 

With him uninviting me to the East Coast wedding... I worry there's more at play here than what I have described with the honeymoon debacle. I'm not saying cheating, but what is going on with him? Why uninvite your wife to your best friend's wedding? I sometimes wonder if he really doesn't want to be married, and is looking for easy fights.

 

and there's this:

 

He lost his temper again last night, and I do feel that I kept my cool and did not match his anger.

[boltnrun]

I think he'd be fine with staying married as long as you continue to do what you've been doing...giving up and giving in.

 

You'd probably have to keep that dynamic going permanently in order to stay in this marriage.

[flyingkites]

Just to add OP.

 

And keep this in the front of your mind.

 

With him uninviting me to the East Coast wedding... I worry there's more at play here than what I have described with the honeymoon debacle. I'm not saying cheating, but what is going on with him? Why uninvite your wife to your best friend's wedding? I sometimes wonder if he really doesn't want to be married, and is looking for easy fights.

[/i]

 

Thanks for the kind (and firm) thoughts LaHermes! This is exactly what's at the front of my mind... I'm not sure he wants to be married - period. And I am guilty of being naive, and trying to look for the best in a situation with the man I love. The honeymoon stuff aside, I can't bring up the notion of buying a new house or having kids without an argument. And that should be stuff every couple at least dreams about together, not to mention financially plan for. I think I should have taken my cue when he told me not to send out the wedding invitations, and a month later when he told me he's not sure he wants to be married (after another argument about buying a house). Now this most recent argument has come to pass, and he's uninvited me to his best friend's wedding. I am certainly, certainly not without my faults. But a person can only hear so many times (once is enough, actually) that they're not sure they want to be married to you, without it really sticking. And now, I am pissed. I've reached the anger stage. I am as angry with myself as I am with him.

 

I think he'd be fine with staying married as long as you continue to do what you've been doing...giving up and giving in.

 

You'd probably have to keep that dynamic going permanently in order to stay in this marriage.

 

Perhaps, Boltnrun. I honestly have no idea what he's thinking. In a couple of recent texts, he's tried to make me feel bad about "putting him out" with compromising the East Coast wedding airfare with seeing my two honeymoon sites in Ireland. He says he views the compromise as my retaliation because he doesn't want to do a ton of driving in Ireland. But we're already heading to 3 distant cities in Ireland to be with his family. Why would seeing two sites matter? I told him that I am more than willing to learn how to drive stick shift before heading over, to appease the driving concerns (he has a stick I can practice on daily). Plus it's our honeymoon - maybe it should be OK to visit two sites I want to see, without argument or with compromise. I can't keep this dynamic going, and this is why I've moved back to my own home.

 

 

No offense, but she seemed to have walked into that marriage blindly if that is how her husband treats her. His behavior didn't just happen overnight.

 

She is not a fool for asking for advice, but a fool for nit taking it once it's given.

 

Tough words Snny, but they are appreciated! I do think, now, perhaps I did walk into it blindly. I love my my husband, and we've been low-gear friends, (with many mutual friends) for nearly 20 years. As you do with someone you love, you try to work with their quirks and through the bad stuff. I think I tried too hard. I see it now. I agree with your sentiment - not a fool for asking for advice, but a fool not to take it.

[boltnrun]

Technical difficulties, sorry for the double post.

[boltnrun]

"As you do with someone you love, you try to work with their quirks and through the bad stuff. "

 

What efforts is HE making to work with YOUR quirks and through the bad stuff?

 

Sounds like he is still trying to get you to give up and give in via his texts.