My boyfriend is living with his ex

[83confused1014]

I recently started dating a man who has 3 children and lives with his ex. I have been to the house know they have separate rooms and they fight quite a bit. He has reassured me there is nothing between them and he has no feeling for her because she cheated on him. She lives there because she hasn't worked in 13 years and has no job or income of her own and because she is the mother of his children he lets her stay. He spends what time he can with me then goes home to take care of the kids and sleep. My concern and something I can't seem to shake is they still do things together like shop for clothes for kids and shop for holiday stuff like today they bought Easter baskets for the kids together. They have went out as a family once since we started dating they took family day trip. How do I get past these anxiety feelings of them doing things together still even tho it's not intimate?

[jujusamples]

I'm sorry you have to endure this but I don't blame you for having these anxieties. I've seen a relative of mine in that situation. Where they were divorced but lived in the same house because of kids, etc...

 

I don't want to give you more anxieties, but they still did stuff. Could there be something that could be work out? If not, I'm sorry to tell you, it's a tough position to be in on your part. It's a lot to take. You should ask yourself if it's something you could handle? I wouldn't be able to do it, it's just too much unfinished business.

[Tanzi]

Quite simply, they are either going to go their separate ways and start to build new lives apart or they are not. If not then I see little point in getting involved in their emotional wrangle ... not to mention their constant fights. There are no need for excuses. If two people have decided that they want or need to part company (for whatever reason) then they can and they will do so. They can still co-parent successfully - and in most cases be better parents. Anything else is just lame excuses to hang on because there is unfinished business ..... and therefore not worth your emotional time and effort. I wouldn't even go there to be honest.

[Clio]

Were they married? Are they still married? Where do you fit in all this? Say things progressed with you. Where would you live then? What would happen then?

 

This guy has too many loose ends to tie. He should get a place of his own if his ex is unable to move out. Even then, he has 3 children to provide for and his children are rightly his top priority. He has nothing to offer to a new relationship at this point in his life.

 

Which brings us to you. Why on earth get involved in such a complicated and unnatural set up? You are selling yourself short. They will always need to do certain things together when it comes to their children. However at this point, this guy has not worked out a balance that would make room for a relationship. My advice would be to break up and find someone who has his life in order.

[Matt3939]

Are they married? Or did they just have kids?maybe he's just trying to get around poligamy laws. They call it the ole tipping point. First woman has child 3 she tells man I need help. He gets new woman pregnant so new woman starts at #1 but can help with other 3. It's evening out the load. Everything is fine till 15 and 5 woman. Then the man can't keep everyone due to $$$ and then he needs more not for children but for financial reasons. Good luck

[MissCanuck]

I would not date a man in this position.

 

There are not enough appropriate boundaries in place, and assuming she doesn't suddenly want to work again, what exactly is their plan for the future? She continues living there....indefinitely?

 

Much as they might fight, I would bet any money they still have feelings for each other. Him more than her probably, given that she cheated. A real break-up hasn't yet happened because reality won't hit until they actually physically separate and move into separate homes. That is when he will probably really come to terms with the fact that it's over for good, and I'm sorry but I don't see that going well for you.

 

I think you are right to be worried, OP. This is too messy already.

[Annia]

I think that at this point of his life he doesn't have the mental and emotional ability to be in a relationship with you. If you don't feel right or feel something in your gut listen to it. This is a very complicated set up and it would and will get messier if he keeps living with her, regardless if they do things or not.

[j.man]

The biggest reason I wouldn't touch this with a stick is them living together still. Even if there is nothing romantic left between them, the potential for drama and it spilling into the relationship is just that much more significant. If they could figure out how to co-parent in all the other ways they do while actually being split up, that would be ideal.

 

That all said, this has been the case from the very beginning. You came into it. As much as I and others would a situation like this as though it were the Plague, in volunteering for it, you pretty much forfeit the right to try and argue your way through it. If you don't like the situation-- and most of us wouldn't-- it's time to drop him to find someone more available in pretty much every way.

[Jeffbobo]

I was in this exact situation six years ago; four kids and my ex-wife hadn't worked in twenty years and it was her idea to live together. It was one of the most messed up surreal times in my life. That lasted all of about a month and we got her moved out to an apartment.

 

OP, I think you really need to step back from this situation. It's just not good for you on so many different levels. He needs to get a plan of action to actually be done and focus on that. And it CAN be done. I can attest to that. He's a long ways from being someone you should be dating.

[SherrySher]

There is no way I would even consider being with a man in this situation. He is very much involved with the ex and he has taken her on as his family It makes no difference if she is the Mother of the children, she shouldn't be living there and he knows it. He choses to keep her there. These situations always have far too much drama and it's not unheard of for her to comfort him and they get closer at times...I mean really, you've got to be honest with yourself, he is keeping her there, they live together, they used to sleep together, it could happen again quite easily.

They are also still very much a family with again how he is choosing to do things together and shopping together etc.

It has gone way past co parenting.

It's up to you if you decide to stay, but I would guess that at some point you're going to feel like a third wheel and it's not going to be a comfortable situation at all with him going home to her everynight.

I think this man needs to her his crap together and give her the old heave ho or not date. It;s too weird and messed up.

[itsallgrand]

He not only lives with her, he supports her financially. There's a difference between paying for your kids and paying for an ex.

 

I can't think of any good that can come of it if you want a full partner.

 

Your anxiety is good sense.

[Longview01]

Walk away, honestly I don't think this is worth getting involved in

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately they are still a couple and a family and he's supporting her. The only thing missing is sex and that's what he's dating for.

 

So many red flags. Since it's recent dating try to cut your losses and not have him to your place so he can escape and have sex now and then.

 

Maybe he's just avenging his ex's cheating or they have an open relationship. In any case, as far as dating this sounds like a train wreck.

 

Don't be a sex provider for this guy, he has everything else including a live-in family that he goes home to every night..

I recently started dating a man who has 3 children and lives with his ex. He spends what time he can with me then goes home to take care of the kids and sleep. They have went out as a family once since we started dating they took family day trip.

[ParisPaulette]

Are there no other men to date? Out of the millions out there, really you think you have to stick with the one who is so immature and has such red flags that he would rather still live with his ex, keep her financially dependent on him, and crap all over his kids' childhood by fighting with their mother all the time?

 

You really can't complain about this setup since you know about it. It's on you, not him, to decide whether you want to be part of a Jerry Springer show setup or not. I just feel bad for the kids. His ex should kick him out then take him to court to pay alimony and go get a job and a life. You should kick him out and find someone else to date who doesn't have so many red flags.

 

All I can really recommend is you get some therapy to examine why you'd stick around in situation where you have been shown a very clear picture of your future with this guy. One day it'll be you he fights with daily, because normal people don't do that. They leave and get out and move the hell on.

[DancingFool]

So in a nutshell, he comes over to yours, sleeps with you, then goes home to his family and wife.

 

All I can say is find someone who is actually single and available to be with you. This guy is not it....in fact pretty dang far from it. Why are you wasting your time getting involved in this nonsense?

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't involve myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond a custody exchange. If you stick around this guy, you'll learn WHY.