How often should someone in a committed relationship be allowed to go out?

[sweetdesire]

Hello,

 

I have been in a relationship a year this month, February and we have recently been having issues in regards to going out.

We see each other every day and I'll spend the night. I'll go over his apartment around 9:30-10:00pm since this is best time that works for our schedule, his son, our gym time etc. Well be in bed by 12pm. We've been doing this exact routine for the year.

 

I become upset because those few hours we do get to spend time together are lost when he chooses to go out instead. I understand you need your space in a relationship and going out with friends should be okay but what is appropriate? 1x a week, 2 a week, 3 times a month? I also feel i have an issue with this because I'm not into going out as much as him. For example, i wont go out during the week however he does.

 

Fellas- Is there a reason you guys choose to go out us girls don't know about or may not understand??

 

How can you measure when you feel your partner is going out too much? What are some things to consider with an issue like this? How can i go about this situation and or talk to him about it since it really is bothering me and I'm noticing is happening quite often. P.S he believes he doesn't go out a lot.

 

Appreciate the advice!

[reinventmyself]

How often does he go out? You didn't share that.

[Seraphim]

The minute you start policing other people's time you're crossing into dodgy waters . There's no set amount of time someone should or shouldn't go out with their friends . Now ,if he's going out 15 to 30 days of the month that would be an issue .

 

How much does he go out?

[Seraphim]

By the way when we get into a relationship we should all maintain the ability to amuse ourselves when our partner isn't around .

[itsallgrand]

"Be allowed" - I don't think it's a matter of giving permission. I want my bf to go out as often as he needs to , to be happy and to have balance. He needs more social time than I do, I need more alone time, so it works out quite well.

I'd say I know when it's too much, for him or for me, when we find ourselves missing the other. Then we just say that - hey, I miss you, wouldn't mind seeing you a bit more if you can find the time? It's not a perfect balance but more or less, and so long as both people want to make sure the other is a priority and both are having their needs met, something can be worked out.

 

I don't think anyone can give hard and fast numbers because it depends on the individuals, the relationship, where the relationship is at ,all kinds of things. But I think having time apart with friends alone etc. and time together in balance is a healthy thing to strive for.

 

Is there really no way you can ever see each other at different times than 10 at night, ever? Not even weekends?

[rosephase]

I think it's unhealthy to frame this as 'allowed' to go out. Your partner isn't a child. He doesn't need your permission.

 

If I was you I would focus on what your needs and desires are instead of what he's allowed to do. It sounds like you don't feel like your getting enough quality time with him. Why not address that issue with him instead?

[SooSad33]

You see each other every day?

 

yes, he has the right to go out. We all NEED time out of the relationship to have a life.

 

If you don't live together, why don't you spend time at your own place now n then? Maybe this is getting to be too much for him? I dont know.

 

But to want to get out with other's n do things.. by all means, he has those rights.. as do you.

[NowandZen]

I too was curious at the phrase "allowed" to. Honestly, this is one of those things that you have to decide together as a couple. How much time does he feel he needs alone? How much time do you feel you need together? If the relationship is going to work, you need some overlap in those things. I don't think there is any set time that is normal or justifiable, but both people in the relationship need to have their emotional needs met.

 

You need to start a conversation about this, not in an accusing way, but if you don't feel that you are getting your time in, start by saying, "I look forward to the time we spend together, is there a way we could have more of it?"

 

Good luck.

[j.man]

Gotta say, when I see someone coming on here using words like "allowing" their partner to do anything, I instinctively side with their partner.

 

If you don't like staying the night on nights he goes out, then stop staying the night every night. Ask him to let you know before you come over whether he plans on going out. But, no, I don't think going out once or even twice a week is too much.

[angrythoughts]

Let's not obsess over the term "allowed" and give the girl advice shall we? We know what she means.

 

Anyways, it doesn't sound like you guys spend much time together. You go to his house quite late and you guys sleep shortly after. If you feel like he isn't making time for you then express that to him. If he disagrees with you and nothing changes about it then you'll either have to accept it or realize that he's not going to change to suit your needs and you should fiind someone who will.

 

You boyfriend should be able to go out whenever he feels as long as he's balancing the relationship simultaneously. If you feel like he's neglecting you then definitely speak to him.

[katrina1980]

Hello,

 

We see each other every day and I'll spend the night. I'll go over his apartment around 9:30-10:00pm since this is best time that works for our schedule, his son, our gym time etc. Well be in bed by 12pm. We've been doing this exact routine for the year.

 

I become upset because those few hours we do get to spend time together are lost when he chooses to go out instead.

 

If I am understanding this correctly, you traipse over to his around 9:30-10:00 pm every night, after which he goes out and leaves you alone at his place? Three times (or more) per week?

 

If this is right, simple solution. On the nights he wishes to go out, YOU stay home at your place.

 

Watch a movie, read a book, whatevs.

 

It may also be a good idea for you to start doing things in an effort to meet people and make your own friends.

 

So YOU can go out on the nights he goes out, or even on the nights he doesn't go out!

[sweetdesire]

"Be allowed" - I don't think it's a matter of giving permission. I want my bf to go out as often as he needs to , to be happy and to have balance. He needs more social time than I do, I need more alone time, so it works out quite well.

I'd say I know when it's too much, for him or for me, when we find ourselves missing the other. Then we just say that - hey, I miss you, wouldn't mind seeing you a bit more if you can find the time? It's not a perfect balance but more or less, and so long as both people want to make sure the other is a priority and both are having their needs met, something can be worked out.

 

I don't think anyone can give hard and fast numbers because it depends on the individuals, the relationship, where the relationship is at ,all kinds of things. But I think having time apart with friends alone etc. and time together in balance is a healthy thing to strive for.

 

Is there really no way you can ever see each other at different times than 10 at night, ever? Not even weekends?

 

Unfortunately not I work a Monday-Friday schedule and he works weekends. But i like how you mentioned it should be a "balance." I believe i just got used to our "routine" and didn't have to deal with this before so it's sort of a shock. I have been out with his friends/our friends about 3 times now which is also something we started doing recently

[sweetdesire]

If I am understanding this correctly, you traipse over to his around 9:30-10:00 pm every night, after which he goes out and leaves you alone at his place? Three times (or more) per week?

 

If this is right, simple solution. On the nights he wishes to go out, YOU stay home at your place.

 

Watch a movie, read a book, whatevs.

 

It may also be a good idea for you to start doing things in an effort to meet people and make your own friends.

 

So YOU can go out on the nights he goes out, or even on the nights he doesn't go out!

 

Hi Katrina thank you for your response. Actually I just don't go over at all when he decides to go out, I do stay home. I appreciate your suggestions to help kill time.

[sweetdesire]

Let's not obsess over the term "allowed" and give the girl advice shall we? We know what she means.

 

Anyways, it doesn't sound like you guys spend much time together. You go to his house quite late and you guys sleep shortly after. If you feel like he isn't making time for you then express that to him. If he disagrees with you and nothing changes about it then you'll either have to accept it or realize that he's not going to change to suit your needs and you should fiind someone who will.

 

You boyfriend should be able to go out whenever he feels as long as he's balancing the relationship simultaneously. If you feel like he's neglecting you then definitely speak to him.

 

lol thank you! I mean i don't control him, he can do as he pleases. Maybe i phrased that incorrectly maybe it is i'm feeling neglected because i depend on those 2-3 hours each night to bond and spend time with him and I feel it's being taken away from me, from us. He also installs tires all day so we are not able to have in-depth conversations throughout the day and he also has a 2 year old son! It's hard sometimes to find that "balance."

[Snny]

I become upset because those few hours we do get to spend time together are lost when he chooses to go out instead. I understand you need your space in a relationship and going out with friends should be okay but what is appropriate? 1x a week, 2 a week, 3 times a month? I also feel i have an issue with this because I'm not into going out as much as him. For example, i wont go out during the week however he does.

Your are projecting your own issues (not having a social life) on him.

 

You need to find something else to do. Spending excessive time everyday is called smothering.

[sweetdesire]

How often does he go out? You didn't share that.

 

Hello. So recently I feel it's been at least 2-3 times a week. It also depends if he has his son. He has his son every Monday, Tuesday of the week and every other weekend. He will typically go out on a Wednesday or Thursday of every week and some day/days of the weekend if he doesn't have his son. The weekends he has his son he won't go out of course.

[sweetdesire]

The minute you start policing other people's time you're crossing into dodgy waters . There's no set amount of time someone should or shouldn't go out with their friends . Now ,if he's going out 15 to 30 days of the month that would be an issue .

 

How much does he go out?

 

Hello. So recently I feel it's been at least 2-3 times a week. It also depends if he has his son. He has his son every Monday, Tuesday of the week and every other weekend. He will typically go out on a Wednesday or Thursday of every week and some day/days of the weekend if he doesn't have his son. The weekends he has his son he won't go out of course.

[sweetdesire]

I think it's unhealthy to frame this as 'allowed' to go out. Your partner isn't a child. He doesn't need your permission.

 

If I was you I would focus on what your needs and desires are instead of what he's allowed to do. It sounds like you don't feel like your getting enough quality time with him. Why not address that issue with him instead?

 

Thank you! I will.

[sweetdesire]

You see each other every day?

 

yes, he has the right to go out. We all NEED time out of the relationship to have a life.

 

If you don't live together, why don't you spend time at your own place now n then? Maybe this is getting to be too much for him? I dont know.

 

But to want to get out with other's n do things.. by all means, he has those rights.. as do you.

 

Ahhh, okay thanks. Maybe it's just a matter of me accepting it then..I think I became so wrapped up in our "routine" for the past year i guess you can say I sort of became dependent upon him and our schedule.

[sweetdesire]

Gotta say, when I see someone coming on here using words like "allowing" their partner to do anything, I instinctively side with their partner.

 

If you don't like staying the night on nights he goes out, then stop staying the night every night. Ask him to let you know before you come over whether he plans on going out. But, no, I don't think going out once or even twice a week is too much.

 

Hmm okay interesting, thanks! I'm sorry i believe I wasn't clear on that, I do not wait around for him in the apartment when he decides to go out I just stay home and fall asleep lol Just out of curiosity, do you believe 1-2 times a weeks is normal even when you live together? I even consider myself and him having a pretty committed relationship now

[Loralora]

I think it all depends on WHERE he goes when he does go out.

 

One of the reasons I broke up with my ex was because whenever he went out he would go to night clubs. And it wasn't that often maybe once a week, but I just couldn't be with someone that went to nightclubs while being in a "serious" relationship. To me it seemed like he was acting like e teenager trying to pick up girls (why else would he go to night clubs with half naked girls dancing around and not even once invite me). He would always go there with his single friends.

 

I was okay with him going out to have a tea or coffee or even a beer/drink with friends at a coffee place/bar even if it was at 10 p.m. the thing I hated most was him going to night clubs while being in a relationship.

 

I liked having quality time to my self and away from him sometimes. I liked spending time with my friends. I wasn't that kind of girlfriend that had to see him everyday. 5days would pass sometimes and we wouldn't go out. Even if we wouldn't plan on seeing each other that day I would be perfctly fine untill I would find out he is at a nightclub.

 

I told him if you want to continue being with me you need to quit this lifestyle. He told me he will not quit, at that point my answer was clear.

 

In your case, I think you do need to give him some alone time with friends since you two see each other everyday...he needs and you should need some away time from him also...just as long as you're okay with where he's going and what he's doing during that time.

 

Good luck..

[Loralora]

And we had been dating for a year and a half when all this had happened, even had marriage plans and how many kids we wanted to have and where we would live..

[sweetdesire]

And we had been dating for a year and a half when all this had happened, even had marriage plans and how many kids we wanted to have and where we would live..

 

Thank you for your response Lora! See I haven't gotten real descriptive with my situation but i'm glad i can totally relate to you and I do indeed have the same thoughts! Like why do you want to go out so much? I'm also very independent and it was a couple years before I met him that I was actually single doing my own thing. I would go out 4 times a week! I know what the "going out" scene is all about. I have asked him do you want to be single? His response is no. What's worse is he complains about how broke he is due to going out but doesn't stop. I believe his problem is it's hard for him to say no, even to me so he falls under pressure if that makes sense. He wants to please his friends as well to the point he won't lose them and his "FREE" time is quite limited since he won't go out when he has his son which is every other weekend.

[ParisPaulette]

Okay, maybe it's just me, but why on earth would you go over to his house and stay there while he goes out? Why not pick up the phone and say, "Hey, are you going out tonight and am I not invited? Because if that's the case I'm just not going to bother." And you don't go over to his place unless you two are spending time together and you tell him that.

 

Me suspects he's leaving you alone to clean his house and cook and do for him while he's out partying with the boys, am I right? If so my advice is don't. You aren't married and if you were he needs to be contributing, which it sounds like he's not even doing now and you two are just dating.

 

Look, if you have to play mom to him then something is wrong, so unsexy for a relationship, you have no idea how that will kill any romance. It sounds like he's doing this a lot, but the larger question is why are you sitting at home waiting for him? Don't. Go take up a class at night or go out yourself or stay at your house and do things, but make it clear if he's not spending time with you then you aren't going to be over there waiting up for him.

 

Really, I do spend time with my friends. So does my husband with his friends. But my husband and I have a rule that an invitation is always open for the other to come along if they want to. We've had that rule since we first started dating. And since we work in different parts of the state, yeah if I had to make the effort and spend my time to go to his place only to have him not invite me out and go out leaving me there he'd only get to do that once. And he'd need to rethink that or come home to an empty dark house doing his own dang dishes.

 

That's not putting restraints on them if you're upset, because they're wasting your time and excluding you. However often that may or may not be, because everyone has a different definition, I think the larger issue here is you feel left out. And it's really rude of him to have you come over then just leave you there and go out on his own.

 

True, you can't and shouldn't have to tell him, "Hey, let me come with you" or "stay with me since I made the trouble to come over." If you are then maybe it's time to put down the dishwashing liquid, tell him to hire a maid, and go home then start working out what it is you do want in a relationship. And if this isn't it, then be done with it.

[notalady]

lol thank you! I mean i don't control him, he can do as he pleases. Maybe i phrased that incorrectly maybe it is i'm feeling neglected because i depend on those 2-3 hours each night to bond and spend time with him and I feel it's being taken away from me, from us. He also installs tires all day so we are not able to have in-depth conversations throughout the day and he also has a 2 year old son! It's hard sometimes to find that "balance."

 

So when you say "go out", you mean to night clubs and such, yes?

 

Also, to understand correctly, you work Mon to Fri and he works on the weekend, and he has his son Mon, Tues night then goes out Weds, Thurs night, so that leaves one night a week where you actually spend time together, for a few hours, is that correct?