Horrific first time sex

[LadyBug1988]

I am by no means a shallow or promiscuous person, and I understand nobody is perfect. I've been dating this guy for a little over a month and after taking me on this incredible New York excursion, and to a Broadway play this weekend I decided I was ready to sleep with him.

 

I noticed he was a bit trembly and when our clothes came off, I realized "he" was unusually small for a 6'1 man with size 12 feet. I overlooked this and we went straight to it, however I could also tell he was inexperienced. It was kinda mediocre but then he started to loose his erection and the condom slipped off and got lost inside me.

 

It was the most awkward experience ever and he kept offering to help, but all I wanted to do was find my underwear and leave. All I could think was there was something about me he wasn't attracted to and I needed to get the hell out of there. So he looked really emotional and kept saying "I always find a way to mess things up", and he was making all types of excuses. He kept saying "after waiting all this time, this is not how I wanted our first time to be".

 

I didn't really know what to say so I just kinda agreed and tried to give him a kiss goodbye. He kept pulling me into his arms and telling me how much he cares about me and how he wants us to continue seeing each other. How this would never happen again and this is not his typical performance.

 

I finally got out of his apartment and kinda got lost in his garage and he called me to come back inside cause we never found the condom. He talked me into coming back in, I figured it out, and when I was ready to go he kept telling me my silence was making him nervous and he really likes me and stuff and kissing me over and over again.

 

He said it was the combination of alcohol, being tired and being nervous. I'm embarrassed, I need to get plan b, and I am SOOO disappointed. He's the sweetest and most gentle man I've ever met, he has many fantastic qualities. He begged me to text him when I got in and I did and told him I appreciated the NY experience he created for me and goodnight. I didn't use the typical hearts and emojis or terms of endearment, not on purpose I just feel weird. He always texts me right back and he still has not.

 

I don't know how to feel or what to do. I feel kinda undesirable, awkward, sad, and confused. I really liked him...

[Silverbirch]

Yeah, well he is feeling the same only worse.

[notalady]

I think you handled badly what would've been a somewhat normal first time sex (ie mediocre and for some, nervous with a few hiccups) and I think your reaction made the whole situation worse than it needed to be. Could've just said don't worry about it, it happens. Help him relax and try again at another time. And of course finding the condom if it got lost. Running out of his apartment and being cold and distant is hurtful. I agree with silver, he would've felt 100x worse than you. You made it all about you when it's not.

 

Anyway, if you don't plan on seeing him again then that's that then. If you do, then I think you should apologise for reacting so badly and tell him that you understand he was just nervous and was under the influence etc. It happens. Although don't be surprised if it happens again, now that it is imprinted in his mind how you reacted last time, which will undoubtedly make him even more nervous the second time round, afraid of it happening again.

 

So...up to you. Stick with it and be comforting and more calming and take a few times to let him reach his comfort zone, or leave him alone now.

[beternal]

I agree with SilverBirch above... he's probably feeling a LOT worse! Girls don't realise the pressure behind the first time for men... There isn't really anything for a girl that *might not work properly* and the only skill they might not be good at is oral which can easily be learned or at least substituted for penetration. So the way he is seeing it is that the whole sexual experience depended on his performance and he failed.

 

He's quiet at the moment because he's ashamed and is trying to gauge your reaction. He's looking for a bit of reassurance and I think until he gets that, he's going to want to just run away and hide under the sheets.

 

I know, you were hoping for something a bit more passionate, a lasting memory and a good start to a sex-life and it hasn't happened that way but he's the one suffering now.

 

It definitely doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you or find you attractive etc, trust me. *That* has a mind of its own sometimes and girls should never feel that they are responsible for a man's performance.

 

He was trying to make light of it by his comments, it's likely as you say he wasn't *huge* that he has some insecurities and these all added to the performance anxiety. As I said, I know you were hoping for something more special and especially not to be getting a Plan B, but if you like him and want things to work, you have to help him get over this hiccup by reassuring him. I'd personally advise REALLY reiterating that you had a lovely time together and making light of the sex... say something like you felt YOU weren't on your game and would like to try again, how nervous you were and that you really like him and want to try again ('as soon as possible' might be a nice touch!).

 

Guys also tend to REALLY freak out about pregnancy so if he asks, tell him about the Plan B and when your next period has started... just to help him relax.

[Eyebrows]

From a personal perspective, since I've been in that guys place...as undesirable as it might be making you feel it's ten times worse for us. It likely has nothing to do with you and entirely to do with nerves.

 

I had this issue with my ex. We'd had sex previously, the first time was fumbly, the second time was hot and intense. We were apart for 7 weeks and talked about sex and what we'd do a lot. Lots of build-up. When it came time to it I just couldn't perform. It was a stressful situation because she had been crying over missing home and I was completely unfocused.

 

I'm sure she felt bad. But you question your masculinity. It's a big thing psychologically for us.

[notalady]

From a personal perspective, since I've been in that guys place...as undesirable as it might be making you feel it's ten times worse for us. It likely has nothing to do with you and entirely to do with nerves.

 

I had this issue with my ex. We'd had sex previously, the first time was fumbly, the second time was hot and intense. We were apart for 7 weeks and talked about sex and what we'd do a lot. Lots of build-up. When it came time to it I just couldn't perform. It was a stressful situation because she had been crying over missing home and I was completely unfocused.

 

I'm sure she felt bad. But you question your masculinity. It's a big thing psychologically for us.

 

Yep. Happened to my boyfriend a few times in early days. He was very attracted to me and that made him even more nervous and felt pressured to perform. And once you overthink it, it just keeps happening, it's all in the (big) head. Until you can distract your mind from thinking about it going "wrong" and really relax and enjoy it. I assured him every time that it's no problem, it happens, he's just overthinking it, it helped a lot that we didn't make a big deal out of it, just laughed and cuddled.

 

Never happened again once we dated for a while and he became comfortable with me.

[pippy longstocking]

NO matter how he felt at the time you magnified that by a thousand and have probably shot his confidence to pieces ..you need to be aplogising for your behaviour before you ruin his sex life for ever ....

[tiredofvampires]

Wow, I gotta say...in most ways, men have it easier with sex.

 

But not in this way -- your post made me cringe with gratitude I'm not a man, to have to encounter a woman who would judge me like this.

 

Can you put yourself in that position and imagine the pressure? "It's all resting on my ability to keep it up, otherwise, what is my date going to think of me? I'd better stop being nervous, otherwise I'm going to mess it all up, she's going to get all distant, and awkward, and I can't let THAT happen! Oh wait, now I'm getting more nervous about getting nervous, what if my peter doesn't obey orders??"

 

It's for you, as a girl who cares about him and likes him to reassure him that it's no big deal. To NOT make him feel like it's just a "horrific" catastrophe and that you're about to leave just because he fumbled his act. You pretty much made a guy's worst dating fear come true, when it could have been an affectionate moment to bond in other ways. Every guy would hope for a girl that handles herself this way, rather than how you did.

 

You really seem very quick to dismiss this guy over a totally normal experience. If you had a penis, being tired, nervous, and slightly buzzed would quickly illustrate to you just how misguided your interpretation is of this. He clearly was into you by all his pleading gestures, and you still feel hurt and undesirable? Are you always this needy about demonstrations of affection? Sounds like you are rather wrapped up in yourself, and very insecure, to overlook all the signs of his attraction towards you and turn this into a melodrama of sadness, confusion, and wanting to withdraw. Are you sure you "really liked him" all that much? Because if so, this should not be deterring you this much. If you can't handle a small glitch like this, and feel the need to give up this quickly, how are you going to handle the big things that come with a relationship?

 

Incidentally, a man's penis size has no relationship to his shoe size or height. Those are different parts of the genome entirely.

 

You seem very young -- sex is about bonding more than performance, so you'll get the most out of it if you don't get hung up on technicalities that sort themselves out over many more sessions with a new lover.

[pippy longstocking]

I am confused now , very very confused , cos on your last thread everyone is saying he is probably an abuser .

[IAmFCA]

"Horrific"?

 

Between two other people, this would have been literally rolling on the floor laughing funny.

[pippy longstocking]

This makes me think even more that he was just a nervous wreck , going back to your last thread , I think he was trying to be gentle and caring and he was probably trying so hard not to freak you or spook you and not frighten or hurt you that he ended up unable to actually have sex . He needs as much love and tenderness as you needed , not you running out the door ...oh please make this right with him , for his sake .

[notalady]

I am confused now , very very confused , cos on your last thread everyone is saying he is probably an abuser .

 

Yea just read the other threads, definitely way too many issues and too much drama this early on.

 

OP I suggest you cut him off. Things are not working on so many levels.

[pippy longstocking]

Yea just read the other threads, definitely way too many issues and too much drama this early on.

 

OP I suggest you cut him off. Things are not working on so many levels.

 

I might go back in and read more ...I only got the first story and it was a total 360 to what this thread is about .

[notalady]

I might go back in and read more ...I only got the first story and it was a total 360 to what this thread is about .

 

Making 4 posts about the guy in just 4 weeks of dating, having a lot of doubt about various things, not a good sign of a budding relationship. I'd called it a day at this point.

[pippy longstocking]

Making 4 posts about the guy in just 4 weeks of dating, having a lot of doubt about various things, not a good sign of a budding relationship. I'd called it a day at this point.

 

ohhh ouch ... this should be a time of butterflies and happiness , I agree with you .

[RainyCoast]

i agree that's not how you handle awkward sex. whenever humanely possible, laugh that kind of stuff off.

 

but i can't believe he kept persuading you, pulling you to him, calling you to come back into the house, kissing you as you were fleeing the scene. grabby hands and persuasion-- i don't see it as too surprising after the last thread. he seemed needy, clingy, too much too soon and who knows what else.

 

although i must admit i have no clue how a guy would "normally" handle this.

 

i think what's done is done now, if you call it off, he will have a hard time believing it's for any other reason than the sex. but i wouldn't continue with so much doubt.

 

eta: oh look he did the grabby begging thing before after trying to get you to netflix and chill after knowing you for only 5 days:

He asked me to come over and asked me if he made me nervous, and I told him no, and he said I seemed really tense. So he pulls me closer and we made the purchase and started watching the movie. He became affectionate and we started making out, but it was about to get intense and I felt uncomfortable. I told him I needed to leave, grabbed my bag and headed for the door.

 

He ran behind me seeming quite emotional, his eyes were glazed over asking me to please wait. He said he feels like he's done something wrong and felt a bit crushed. Then he said he felt like I was running away from him and he really didn't want me to go.

 

 

begging grabbing persuading... i'd so have been out. weird.

[LadyBug1988]

I've just slept on this situation and I feel like I need to tell him I still want to be with him, all is okay, I care about him, and I want to try again. That I was so nervous, I'm sorry for being so weird (if he even perceived me to be that way), and I think he's really special.

 

I'd had more to drink than he did last night, and I wasn't thinking clearly. The last thing I want him to think is that I'm no longer interested because of this, that's the opposite of the truth. I also noticed he did not text me back which is totally unusual. He said he wanted to continue texting throughout the day like we have been so I'm thinking I need to maybe let him know he's still desired by me. I want him to know I want to try again with him.

 

I remember him expressing the concern that I'd fall in love with him only to find out the sex was awful. He said sleeping with each other was part of figuring out if we like eachother, so I'm feeling like he has had performance issues like these in the past. I feel like I need to reassure him.

 

I just texted him: I'm sorry. I was a nervous disaster last night. I wasn't running away from you, I was feeling negatively about myself. I sincerely apologize for how I came off, I care a lot about you. It's completely up to you but I would really like to try again.

[katrina1980]

LadtBug, I am glad you sent that txt apologizing.

 

JMO but next time you are together, don't even mention sex. The emphasis needs to be off sex (for now) and simply enjoying your time together.

 

Let sex happen naturally, and spontaneously, do not plan for it, or set aside a special time to have it and *try again*. Doing that will almost guarantee that he will feel so pressured again, same thing will happen.

 

Even if you are at his house, watching "Netflix and chilling" the emphasis should be OFF having sex.

 

He needs to feel relaxed and secure, that you are into him, enjoy him and that sex is no big deal.

 

I know it IS a big deal, but for now act like it's not.

 

Again, don't mention it, and when he feels relaxed and secure about your attraction, regardless of the sex, his sexual desire will return full force, let him seduce you!

 

I had same thing happen to me with my second boyfriend, and this^ is what I did.

 

It worked like a charm, and we had a very satisfying and exciting sex life after that first experience.

 

Good luck!

[Matt3939]

Omg I wouldn't get all up in arms about a first time deal. Sometimes sex is amazing and all of that. Sometimes not even close. As a guy I've had it both ways. I had 1 woman I held off for 3 months she would always say how great she was at it. Yeah first time I couldn't perform after that once we started having sex it was the worst I ever had. Pressure is the worst when it comes to sex for a guy. Just let things happen

[Wiseman2]

Try going out on dates more. Also just try affection and cuddling etc to ease some pressure. Skip the drinking and try to get to know each other more.

[LadyBug1988]

He texted me back: "Sorry to make you so nervous. I really care about you as well and I want to continue things. I like you a lot and love having you in my life and yes I'd like to give it another shot to do things right."

 

The he told me to also keep him in the loop and let him know if I need anything. He's here for me. He told me that last night too...

 

He's the sweetest ever, I really hope we can get past this cause I'm starting to get attached. Thank you guys for listening to me. The reason I'm on here is cause I'm scared to confide in friends and family about my relationship out of fear they'll judge me. All of your responses are appreciated.

[SoulTaker]

I noticed he was a bit trembly and when our clothes came off, I realized "he" was unusually small for a 6'1 man with size 12 feet.

 

I'm late to this thread, but I see something totally different. This isn't about him being nervous, but about unmet physical expectations. Op, no matter how much time you later spend with him, unless you change your mental outlook on what you're looking for, then it isn't going to work.

[Chloee1988]

Could you have handled it better? Probably. But some times things don't go as planned, but we can't give up just yet.

 

The important thing is that you took accountability for your actions and apologized. That's a very good first step.

 

It looks like he likes you VERY much so I would work with him to move past this. As Katrina had said, find other distractions; sex shouldn't always be spoken about constantly because then it adds unnecessary pressure.

[reinventmyself]

Just curious, he has alluded to, more than once that he might very well have performance issues.

 

I agree that you could have handled it better but you were only part of the equation. Your reaction certainly didn't help.

 

Are you going to be ok with the possibility of mediocre sex? Think about this before you go forward.

 

If he's a really great guy in other ways, maybe this is the thing you compromise on.

 

Aside from your most recent post, you mentioned this discussion from the 3 weeks ago: "He said part of figuring out if you like someone is sexual compatibility and what if I fall in love with him only to learn he sucks in bed?"

 

Somethin' is up with this one. Not sure what it is, but proceed with caution.

[Krankor]

I agree with the others--you really couldn't have handled this situation much worse. My last couple of "first times" have gone well; I think I'm just getting more confident as I get older. But before that, they were always awkward, fumbly experiences in which I couldn't finish. Most guys aren't superstars right out of the gate with a new woman and it has nothing to do with how attracted they are to her.

 

You really managed to turn an awkward experience into a terribly painful one for this guy because you were only concerned about your own feelings. If you are still interested I think you should apologize and reaasure him and go from there.