sd95 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 he had to stop dating you because of a housing, health, or employment issue would you believe him? I have a female friend who said she would think he is lying and think he met someone else. That sort of mentality bothers me because it sounds like a man is never supposed to have any kind of issues in his life which is crazy. I told this woman last year I had to stop dating her because my apartment was sold and I didn't know where I was going to be living and her response was..."we can go on free dates??" I am not in the dating mindset if I am fighting homelessness. So ladies how would you response if a guy told you that after 3 dates? Link to comment
greta96 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I would do my best not to over think it or try to figure out what was the real reason behind it. To me, the mere fact that he told me he had to stop dating me would be enough, end of the road. The 'whys' are not important at that point. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 What's unclear is why bother dating with the disclaimer that you're not ready to date? If something comes up explain it simply and that you feel too unprepared and overwhelmed to date right now. Sorry your friend sounds paranoid if every valid reason to no longer continue dating means a guy found someone else. he had to stop dating you because of a housing, health, or employment issue would you believe him? I told this woman last year I had to stop dating her because my apartment was sold and I didn't know where I was going to be living and her response was. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I would do my best not to over think it or try to figure out what was the real reason behind it. To me, the mere fact that he told me he had to stop dating me would be enough, end of the road. The 'whys' are not important at that point. Agree and think you are taking it to an extreme -it's not that a person is never supposed to have any sort of issue, it's that if it's an issue that comes up that then makes the person choose not to continue dating after saying in the recent past that he was looking to date/have a potential relationship then it would depend on what the issue was, when he knew about it, etc. But having said that I too would not overthink it. I might think depending on the issue that he was never that into me or into dating, or both. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I would say okay, I hope you get it sorted out, call me if you change your mind. And then I'd move on, because if he just doesn't want to date or can't regardless of the issues he is or isn't facing, there's nothing I can do about that. You can't force people to want to date you and telling them you think they're lying about it doesn't solve the problem. Also whether the guy is lying and is simply doing a fast excuse to cut down on drama OR really does have something horrible going on, which yes happens 'cause life can be an expletive that way for all of us, it still brings one back to the same place. He doesn't want to move forward, so be graceful about it and let them go. When I was very young I used to do the whole bargaining and how do I get him to change his mind kind of crap. Total waste of mine and his time, so I finally learned to stop that. P.S. I've had this happen, once after six months of dating. In that man's case a close friend died, he was gutted, he was in no shape to date anyone and we weren't that serious anyways. Other men ended things after a few dates, some with questionable excuses, others with what I felt were legit reasons. And I have done the same. But again that's not what matters, what matters if when you hit a dead-end road you back the car up and look for another place to continue your journey. Link to comment
sd95 Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 What's unclear is why bother dating with the disclaimer that you're not ready to date? If something comes up explain it simply and that you feel too unprepared and overwhelmed to date right now. Sorry your friend sounds paranoid if every valid reason to no longer continue dating means a guy found someone else. When we met everything was fine and then after 3 dates I had the housing issue. So sometimes you can't plan for life Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I personally would think it's a fair reason and wouldn't overthink it. Things in life happen and if all of a sudden you find yourself in not so great of a position to be dating, I think it's fair to tell someone. Life happens. Would I think you're lying? No, though I would wonder why you got involved in the first place if your life was so uncertain. That being said, probably best to not date at all until you are on solid ground and don't have to have this conversation with someone. Oh, right, just read your response above...well, it's true things happen that you can't plan for. I think I'd appreciate your honesty and wish you the best. Perhaps down the line you could possibly try again, but it's completely understandable about not being able to get into romance when you've got such huge worries to contend with. I hope things turn around for you. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 When we met everything was fine and then after 3 dates I had the housing issue. So sometimes you can't plan for life How long do you have in which to move? Why can't you go on dates and get to know her and if it turns out you have to relocate so be it - that can happen to almost anyone -needing to relocate for a job or a family member who is ill, etc. I could see if you had to be out of the apartment tomorrow and move far away in order to afford housing but if someone said that to me I'd wonder. And, typically, the men I started dating were looking for a relationship and financially stable. I once got involved with someone and had to move, suddenly, two months later (sublet arrangement abruptly ended). It was stressful and a bit chaotic but I didn't stop dating (we'd been dating around 2 months at that point). Link to comment
Snny Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I'd feel that I was either: 1. Strung along because you KNEW the situation and couldn't open up to me sooner. 2. Just were in it for the sex and then leave. Link to comment
milly007 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Although I would understand and appreciate that life happens, I would probably just think that the guy wasn't that into me. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 i wouldn't wonder whether it's true or not. i would think that if it is true, it is an urgent situation in his life that he needs to tend to before thinking about anything else. unless the three dates were sprawled across a period of many months (which would be a deterrent in itself), i don't think someone goes from well-situated to borderline homeless in such a short time. if your situation is precarious enough for that to happen, it's certainly wise to see to that before dating. or at least meet people as friends only for a while. if that was a rented apartment, i'm sure there are other places to rent- i don't think that simply needing to move warrants a break from dating, although you may have to postpone a date or two. Link to comment
sd95 Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 How long do you have in which to move? Why can't you go on dates and get to know her and if it turns out you have to relocate so be it - that can happen to almost anyone -needing to relocate for a job or a family member who is ill, etc. I could see if you had to be out of the apartment tomorrow and move far away in order to afford housing but if someone said that to me I'd wonder. And, typically, the men I started dating were looking for a relationship and financially stable. I once got involved with someone and had to move, suddenly, two months later (sublet arrangement abruptly ended). It was stressful and a bit chaotic but I didn't stop dating (we'd been dating around 2 months at that point). I had 4 months to move and didn't have anything saved so I had save as much money as i could so of course i couldn't date. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Having to move is not 'homelessness'. How suddenly did you find out about this sale? Nonetheless if you were not up to dating it's smart to be honest about it. Stuff happens. I'm guessing there wasn't enough there to bother anyway. If she were important to you, you would have explained and then resumed dating when the dust settled.I told this woman last year I had to stop dating her because my apartment was sold and I didn't know where I was going to be living and her response was..."we can go on free dates??" I am not in the dating mindset if I am fighting homelessness. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I had 4 months to move and didn't have anything saved so I had save as much money as i could so of course i couldn't date. No "of course". My parents had no money and dated for years before getting married. They'd split a pizza, see a movie sometimes, whatever. You can date a woman who is ok doing free or inexpensive things until you are back on your feet again. Sounds like an excuse to me - that finding a long term relationship isn't much of a priority for you -which is fine, but then don't meet people for whom it is. Link to comment
limichelle Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I would move on because if someone is interested regardless the circumstances they would do anything to continue seeing me. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I think everyone is possibly forgetting the stress side of things. For each person it's different. I can see Op's side of things as if I all of a sudden found myself nearly homeless, the last thing I could do was be romantic and I would know in that state of mind I'd be no good for someone at that point. It would be like trying to force something when you're in a bad place and that can't be good for anyone. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 OP did you think it means you can't date because the situation was stressful for you and you couldn't think about dates, or because dating is expensive? i'm guessing the women in question didn't strike you like people who would appreciate cheap dates or they weren't interesting enough to you that you'd bother spending free quality time with them. if you think there's a general judgemental attitude "out there" regarding a guy's finances, get rid of the assumption. most people want to meet people, not credit cards. i think where there's mutual interest, both would quickly conclude they could go for a walk and split a bagel. but i can understand how after three dates that level of investment wasn't yet established. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I think everyone is possibly forgetting the stress side of things. For each person it's different. I can see Op's side of things as if I all of a sudden found myself neatly homeless, the last thing I could do was be romantic and I would know in that state of mind I'd be no good for someone at that point. It would be like trying to force something when you're in a bad place and that can't be good for anyone. I would not be interested in being seriously involved with someone who would react to having 4 months to find a new place to live by torpedoing a brand new dating relationship even if he was so into the woman in question. I would be the person's friend if I already knew him, help him find a new place to live but life is full of twists, turns, stresses and I would need more of a show of strength than that kind of reaction. It would concern me about how a person like that would react if that happened to his partner. Obviously there's a cover for every pot - there are plenty of people out there who I'm sure would freak out and not want to go on dates in his situation and there are people who for whatever reason would be totally ok with that because they would react the same way, for one thing. Link to comment
SherrySher Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I agree Batya Some people would react differently Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 oh, sometimes one needs to read the OP twice lol. ."we can go on free dates??" I am not in the dating mindset if I am fighting homelessness. she liked you. she didn't mind. next, you are saying you ended it because you had to save every dime you could, yet this woman clearly suggested free dates. i agree if you're freaked out 4 months notice i would be afraid that your frustration tolerance is somewhat low and would wonder whether, as a partner, you'd be apt to handle the fact that "life happens". Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I would move on because if someone is interested regardless the circumstances they would do anything to continue seeing me. ^Beat me to it! I think when a man is REALLY into a chick, somehow he will find a way to make it work..... even if he can't see her often or go on *free* dates. Not just announce "sorry, can't date you anymore...". Ugh. I find some of these responses interesting. Everyone knows that if a woman were to start a thread saying a guy she had three dates with told her he had to stop dating HER because of xxxxx, the responses would be he's full of **** . It has been said here, almost ad nauseum, that when a man is really into a woman he's not gonna *pull away* or ghost, or in this case, want to stop dating her. My friend's now-fiance's mother died, plus he had just lost his job, when they first started dating, and he did not want to stop dating her. She told me the thought never even occurred to him! I don't doubt your circumstances are true sd95, but tbh, if a guy I only had a few dates with and hardly knew told me those were his reasons for not wanting to date me anymore, I would think he just wasn't into me and his reasons were just excuses, even if true! I wouldn't make a fuss though, I would just say "OK, wish you the best." Then block, delete. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Although I would understand and appreciate that life happens, I would probably just think that the guy wasn't that into me. I agree with this. I mean, depending on his delivery I MIGHT think he was lying and found someone else. But after only 3 dates, I would not give it much thought. Link to comment
sd95 Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 I'd feel that I was either: 1. Strung along because you KNEW the situation and couldn't open up to me sooner. 2. Just were in it for the sex and then leave. it was only 3 dates so we didnt have sex. Link to comment
sd95 Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Having to move is not 'homelessness'. How suddenly did you find out about this sale? Nonetheless if you were not up to dating it's smart to be honest about it. Stuff happens. I'm guessing there wasn't enough there to bother anyway. If she were important to you, you would have explained and then resumed dating when the dust settled. no it wasn't homelessness it was more fighting to prevent homelessness by a certain date. Link to comment
janut1 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I'm sorry but I think if you were really into your date you would find a way to still see her no matter what the circumstances. Personally I would of thought you weren't into me and made up a story to move on. Things happen in life it doesn't mean you have to shut down. Did you still go to work? Link to comment
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