Wife's peculiar facebook activity.

[DancingFool]

For whatever reason, she doesn't want to cross her current life with her past life, so she created two accounts. However, she is keeping you on board with both, so I don't think you are the issue here.

 

Having said that, someone wanting to hark back to the good old days is indicative of someone who is not very happy with certain aspects of her current life. This may or may not include her marriage. Only she knows.

 

Personally, I think you need to forget FB and actually talk to her about what is going on with her and how she is feeling about her life. Is she happy, not happy, hates certain friends she has now or her work, etc. Does she feel stuck in the way things are? And please don't make this about yourself. Actually listen and hear her out.

[j.man]

"Establishing her true identity.' [insert 90-minute Special Edition Extended Cut eye roll here.]

 

If it weren't as concerning as it is high school behavior, I'd say just leave her with her laptop to play out whatever Sex in the City narrative she's got going on her head, but it might be worth noting if she starts to appear to stray in other ways as well. There's nothing you can really call her on simply with the facebook profile.

[lostandhurt]

Knowing your history and her behavior in your marriage this is not good in my opinion.

 

Just because she added you as a friend doesn't mean a thing. Many liars and cheaters sprinkle just enough truth into their webs to make them believable.

 

This woman has been slowly walking away from you for some time and this is just one more step in that direction.

 

This is a symptom of what has been ailing your marriage for some time, keep working on the cause and the symptom's will go away.

 

How do you rate her commitment to the marriage these days? I recall at one time it was 0 out of 10 and then it slowly came back up to 5.

 

She is searching for something that is for sure...

 

Lost

[Fudgie]

Yes, but Mrs states like a property ownership. I can't change to my maiden name because it is the same as my married one... Lol. But I am seeing many women do this and it is not about wanting out of marriage but defining the self as an individual not always part of us.

 

I always told myself, if someday hell froze over and I decided to get married and wanted to change my last name, I would never give up my maiden completely. I would go through my state's legal name change process (it's some paperwork, costs about $200, and it's pretty quick) so I could take my maiden name as an official, second middle name. So that way it's never gone and I could use it whenever I pleased and it would be part of my official, legal identity.

[Unreasonable]

Knowing your history and her behavior in your marriage this is not good in my opinion.

 

Just because she added you as a friend doesn't mean a thing. Many liars and cheaters sprinkle just enough truth into their webs to make them believable.

 

This woman has been slowly walking away from you for some time and this is just one more step in that direction.

 

This is a symptom of what has been ailing your marriage for some time, keep working on the cause and the symptom's will go away.

 

How do you rate her commitment to the marriage these days? I recall at one time it was 0 out of 10 and then it slowly came back up to 5.

 

She is searching for something that is for sure...

 

Lost

 

Well, I haven't asked her a 1-10 lately, but for the most part I would say she appears to be an solid average 7/10. Nothing out of the ordinary really which is why I was a bit surprised about this.

 

It is quite possible she is trying to self remedy her dissatisfaction with her current identity issues by doing this and actually trying to improve the marriage. There's a lot more invasive ways of playing "Miss Independent" than this.

[Seraphim]

I would like to say too . They say the marriages of parents of autistic children have an 80% failure rate . The family unit just can't take the pressure . Which is sad. I know copious copious amount of my energy has gone into raising my autistic son as well. Some days I have stood there and said, well who am I . And my answer is almost always I am R's mother . My identity is somebody's mother . Isn't that sad ? I don't know maybe she feels the same as me .

[lostandhurt]

I would guess that the work you both were doing to rebuild your marriage had slowed when you had some success?

 

I would say you need to get to a 10/10 before you let off the gas peddle of making your marriage stronger.

 

Ignore this FB thing and refocus on strengthening your marriage or the next thread you will be posting is that she stopped wearing her wedding ring...

 

Lost

[j.man]

I always told myself, if someday hell froze over and I decided to get married and wanted to change my last name, I would never give up my maiden completely. I would go through my state's legal name change process (it's some paperwork, costs about $200, and it's pretty quick) so I could take my maiden name as an official, second middle name. So that way it's never gone and I could use it whenever I pleased and it would be part of my official, legal identity.

It's interesting. My mom's side is Spanish and my dad's is Italian, and on neither side do women change their name upon getting married. That's the way I'm used to and expected it to be should I tie the knot. However, my girlfriend has said that if we were to, she'd want to take one of my three last names and I'm honestly the one who's more uncomfortable with it. Not a real fan of the custom and many cultures have gotten by fine for centuries without it.

[Wiseman2]

Yes like asking you to move out, asking you for a divorce,etc. Sorry to be blunt, but focusing on this fb thing is like looking at a crumb on the floor when the whole house is burning down around you.

There's a lot more invasive ways of playing "Miss Independent" than this.

[Unreasonable]

I would guess that the work you both were doing to rebuild your marriage had slowed when you had some success?

 

I would say you need to get to a 10/10 before you let off the gas peddle of making your marriage stronger.

 

Ignore this FB thing and refocus on strengthening your marriage or the next thread you will be posting is that she stopped wearing her wedding ring...

 

Lost

 

10/10? Wow, that's quite ambitious. I don't think it's been that high ever.

[lostandhurt]

You should not want just a good marriage but a GREAT marriage.

 

10/10 is subjective but is attainable.

 

Lost

[Fudgie]

It's interesting. My mom's side is Spanish and my dad's is Italian, and on neither side do women change their name upon getting married. That's the way I'm used to and expected it to be should I tie the knot. However, my girlfriend has said that if we were to, she'd want to take one of my three last names and I'm honestly the one who's more uncomfortable with it. Not a real fan of the custom and many cultures have gotten by fine for centuries without it.

 

Yeah there are many options. You can take a second middle name, you can drop your middle name and take your maiden as your middle, you can hypenate, you can simply keep your maiden name, etc. There are many options and ways to do it. My state even lets a couple choose/make up their OWN joint last name upon marriage.

[WithLove]

Yeah there are many options. You can take a second middle name, you can drop your middle name and take your maiden as your middle, you can hypenate, you can simply keep your maiden name, etc. There are many options and ways to do it. My state even lets a couple choose/make up their OWN joint last name upon marriage.

 

I don't know what I'd do. If I change my last name, it dies out. My father never had a son and his sisters are married with girls of their own.

[zeino]

I got married in a foreign country when I was 25 and from day 1, I announced I wouldn't wear a wedding ring. My ex-husband didn't wear his either. I don't know why I felt like this. We stayed married for 12 years and approaching 40, maybe I am more open to wearing a ring. At the time, I think I took after my parents who didn't wear theirs - maybe thought this was more rock'n'roll, grunge, cool, anarchist whatever you name it. I also knew a couple that I liked a lot and they never introduced themselves as husband and wife, just with their first names but their bond was inseparable. I think I liked it at the time. These don't seem critical nowadays but at the time, they meant something. I still believe if a marriage is damaged because people do not symbolize it with a band, that marriage is doomed to fail anyway. I think rings shoud be worn for ourselves only.

 

On top of this, when we started living in my country I didn't even have my marriage approved. It turned into a crazy bureaucratic thing and us being us and lazy, we didn't worry about this. Didn't affect our relationship in the slightest. We knew we were married and so did people who met us. I officially had my marriage approved here to get a divorce.

 

My FB was/is with my maiden name. My status was just a thing of fun. Flirting with ex, engaged with ex etc. Who cares.

 

I used my new marital surname in my MA dissertation because that was when I got married and it felt fun. My published work was a mix of both names. I didn't feel I needed to build a reputation with that. If I need to state my work to people, I can and they will know.

 

So I can say I'm terrible with symbolization. Maybe people would think I'm a walking red flag. I am not. I valued my marriage a lot and never hesitated to share this with anyone. (But usually I don't let the opposite sex get that close anyway.) My principle in relationships is never to say anyone anything that I cannot say next to my partner. I feel more comfortable this way.

 

None of these were unchangeable independent values. Merely choices because they didn't make my ex-husband worried either. If he didn't feel good because of these, I would change what I did at a heartbeat. These were not more important than him.

 

Why am I saying all this? Sometimes symbolic things do not represent a reality others would assume. At the same time, if we are used to something going on in a certain way, a sudden change may make us question what is happening. It is completely normal. You don't have to worry about how this will look, what this will say about you and if your partner downplays your feelings, that is something you need to think about, too. At the moment, yes, there is a problem because it is bugging your mind. In satisfactory relationships, people can share these easily and it's not a big issue. The other partner feels good when giving assurance and maybe adjusts their behaviour a little bit if they are comfortable with this.

 

Your wife seems to want to increase her level of independence that is related to her self--worth. I'm not using this independence in a context of sexual fidelity. But maybe she needs a stronger identity as a woman built on things. FB seems like a representation of this the way our art or careers are sometimes for some of us. However, because this is a more social medium built on more informal stuff, it raises questions in you about relationship, other people etc.

 

I think the midway may be you supporting her in what she wants to achieve, give her that space, not involve your presence into all posts, comments etc and she making you more visible there by referring to you sometimes as a significant person (husband/lover/whatever) so that neither party feels threatened.

 

I would ask for something like this. If my partner was reluctant, this would show me that my presence and this new thing is not fully compatible. And that would make me think.

 

My two cents.

[Unreasonable]

Yes like asking you to move out, asking you for a divorce,etc. Sorry to be blunt, but focusing on this fb thing is like looking at a crumb on the floor when the whole house is burning down around you.

I've seen some crumbs evolve in to full blown dog excrement on more than one occasion, so I like to keep an eye on them.

[Fudgie]

I don't know what I'd do. If I change my last name, it dies out. My father never had a son and his sisters are married with girls of their own.

 

My family line is going to die off anyway. Highly doubtful my brother will have any children. No other blood cousins. I was the last chance for my parents to have grandchildren but I gave that up (but they don't know that for certain).

 

That said, I love my family but I don't place any real importance on blood/last names continuing. It's important to me and my identity to have my last name, whether I stay unmarried and keep my maiden or get married and take a 2nd middle, but I'm not kidding myself - the family "line" is going to die out. But I'm okay with that. With time, everyone is forgotten. Who is my great-great-great-great grandmother's name? I don't know, frankly, don't much care. What did she do with her life? Dunno. What was she like? Dunno.

[Seraphim]

My family line is going to die off anyway. Highly doubtful my brother will have any children. No other blood cousins. I was the last chance for my parents to have grandchildren but I gave that up (but they don't know that for certain).

 

That said, I love my family but I don't place any real importance on blood/last names continuing. It's important to me and my identity to have my last name, whether I stay unmarried and keep my maiden or get married and take a 2nd middle, but I'm not kidding myself - the family "line" is going to die out. But I'm okay with that. With time, everyone is forgotten. Who is my great-great-great-great grandmother's name? I don't know, frankly, don't much care. What did she do with her life? Dunno. What was she like? Dunno.

 

Yeah my brother's ex-wife her dad only had girls . So she kept her last name . And my brother and her only had girls . So she wanted to give their daughters her last name . That did not go over big I must say . My brother's daughters have his last name.

 

Actually for both sides of the family my son is the last one to carry-on either family's name . And it is very unsure whether he will have children or not with the level of his autism.

[tattoobunnie]

This woman that reached out to my hubby and his friend, they all went to HS together, she used her separate account to write to them how she had crushes on them in High School, and ask them if they were down to Fu*k (DTF).

 

She is also married with 3 kids - 1 from a previous marriage.

 

So um, yeah, I dunno.

[Wiseman2]

So you think this fb page is a harbinger of marital trouble/divorce because you have no other way of communicating or knowing that?

 

Wow, if you are that estranged from each other's thoughts/feelings, just go ahead and make an appt with a marriage counselor or divorce lawyer.

 

The page is not about women's lib.

I've seen some crumbs evolve in to full blown dog excrement on more than one occasion, so I like to keep an eye on them.

[Seraphim]

Well, yes if you fear a FB page there are deep issues.

[ThereIsOnlyNow]

How did you become aware of the additional Facebook page? Did she volunteer the information? Does her bio also include the fact that she's married? Photos of the two of you? Are there other issues in the relationship that would cause you to question trust?

 

Using a maiden name could help childhood or long ago friends find her. I also felt more connected to my "roots" when I realized that people from my past are still out there and still remember me.

 

Does your wife feel like she's lost her identity in the marriage?

 

There may be no cause for concern of infidelity, but there may be an opportunity to understand what her needs are better.

[RainyCoast]

i don't think it's necessary she's headed for divorce at all. it sounds more like an attempt at deconstructing the identity she took on in this marriage. not so much aimed at changes regarding her marriage, i think it's limited to changes regarding to who she has become. she's had these "midlife crises" before i remember, they all felt retroactive, acted like a teenager at times. i think it's an eccentric attempt at some sort of personal rescription. it was back to her teens last time, it's back to her childhood it seems this time. she's working in layers lol.

 

i wouldn't assume that if this ends in some rediscovered identity for her, that identity will want to divorce you. maybe the new wife will be more comfortable with you than her last version of self. if not, it's been a rocky union, maybe you'll find you work better at some distance. i honestly think it's to do with her alone though.

 

when i was in a bad relationship i remember my ex freaking out completely when i went for the first appointment with the new therapist. i was going because of who i had become too, but he feared if i got better...he'd be history.

 

the less she senses your anxiety at her "liberating" herself, the less she'll feel like she needs to break free from you as well. if a new "her" comes about, don't act threatened.

[lostandhurt]

If you read some of his last threads about what is going on you would all probably look at this a little different.

 

This isn't a strong marriage and has more than a few issues with her distancing herself from him and the marriage.

 

OP Get into see a marriage counselor, professional help will help I am sure. Even if she will not go make the appointment and go alone.

 

Lost

[RainyCoast]

she's been doing the hokey pokey for like ever. i dunno, i just find it a little hard to take her seriously at this point.

[DaNgeRTasTiC]

While I can understand wanting to connect with people that you knew before you were married....I dont understand why the need for a separate account. You can add nicknames and maiden names right on your profile.