Husband being a creep

[Hm1357]

Thanks for the responses..

 

I apparently did not read the rules of not being allowed multiple accounts - I am the OP: I've posted three threads on here throughout my current relationship; one about a financial issue which we resolved peacefully, and a second searching for help and advice when I discovered my then fiancé, now husband, was an alcoholic (haddiet7 if you care to read that thread). I ignored the advice of many in pursuing the relationship, but since that post my husband has been sober for 8 months now. I reached my breaking point just over 8 months ago, so he began couples counseling and went to AA for about two months. He remained sober but dumped his sponsor and it seemed we no longer needed counseling. Apologies for posting under a new name but I was hoping to be helped solely on this issue rather than the culmination of problems we have had but it doesn't seem we can't separate the two anyways. He also has anger issues that he's had counseling for before. Our fight about this last week triggered a major anger outburst to the point he was screaming at me while I was crying. Fast forward to yesterday, our counseling appointment. Started off badly and I had been trying to tell him I'm nowhere near forgiveness because I haven't decided yet if this is forgivable and his apologies had been along the lines of "I told you I was sorry BUT..." and he would continue to defend his actions. By the end of the session, he finally dropped his defenses, gave what I feel was the first sincere apology, went out and got flowers, etc., and at our counselors recommendation (like many on this thread suggested), we are each going to individual therapy, each with different counselors and then will reconvene with our couples therapist in 6 weeks. It took a while to get him to come around to the idea but I feel like it's obvious that the addictive patterns and impulsive actions have returned and I need the counseling to sort through whether I'll be able to trust him again. These issues are bad, but it's not all bad. There have been many great things about our relationship, it's just hard to see the good right now. I'm not perfect, I've been wrong.. but I've never lied to him and being lied to multiple times over the years (basically just about alcohol and porn, now this) is starting to wear on me. I don't know if the lies are exclusive to the habits he has or if it's been more than that. I do appreciate all the advice so far, it would just be hard for me to walk away today without finding out if I get to keep the good version of him that I usually get. I guess I am hoping he breaks the cycle with the lying and the addictions.

[nutbrownhare]

Lying is a fundamental trait of addicts of any kind. Without going back over your posts, did the pervy stuff/sexual addiction start when he stopped drinking, or before then? It's not unusual for alcoholics to become sexually addicted when they stop drinking, or for drug addicts to become alcoholics instead, because the underlying problem of the addictive personality/spiritual malaise won't be addressed purely by stopping the behaviour. They just choose a different addiction.

 

This is the reality of living with an addict. You don't get to keep the good bits while the bad ones somehow disappear; there may be hope if they stick with a 12-Step program - and mean it. But the lying and addictions won't go away on their own, and the worse case scenario is that he starts drinking again and blames you for it.

[Hm1357]

It was all there before he stopped drinking - it's just that everything typically happens in excess after I go to bed and he seems to think what I don't know won't hurt me. He is trying counseling, but I'm not sure if his efforts are for me or himself. I want him to do the 12-steps but I'm getting exhausted worrying more about him than me. He did make it seem like my lack of initiation (initiating sex) is driving him to his habit but my lack of initiation, for me, is due to the lack of trust and guard I've built up.I'll see if counseling helps either of us I guess.

[reinventmyself]

It was all there before he stopped drinking - it's just that everything typically happens in excess after I go to bed and he seems to think what I don't know won't hurt me. He is trying counseling, but I'm not sure if his efforts are for me or himself. I want him to do the 12-steps but I'm getting exhausted worrying more about him than me. He did make it seem like my lack of initiation (initiating sex) is driving him to his habit but my lack of initiation, for me, is due to the lack of trust and guard I've built up.I'll see if counseling helps either of us I guess.

 

Classic case of codependency where his addictions are now your problem to worry about. The more you worry about them, the less work he has to do.

This isn't going to get better, at least not any time soon and maybe not even in your life time.

What you see is what you get and what you are getting is standing right in front of you.

 

We all get hung up on the good parts of someone. After all no one is all bad.

But this one has enough bad stuff going on that it doesn't make him a suitable partner.

 

You can't fix him.

It needs to begin and end with him and the desire to do so without any help from you.

[Hm1357]

I'm feeling like a light bulb is going off... thank you reinventmyself. I've been reading about it and I don't fit the "codependent" mold completely but a lot of the description does sound like me and the situations I've gotten myself into. Now I'm wondering if we both recover separately, if there's still hope for a successful relationship. Is that pathetic?

[reinventmyself]

I'm feeling like a light bulb is going off... thank you reinventmyself. I've been reading about it and I don't fit the "codependent" mold completely but a lot of the description does sound like me and the situations I've gotten myself into. Now I'm wondering if we both recover separately, if there's still hope for a successful relationship. Is that pathetic?

 

No. . it's typical and a little bit of denial.

BUT. . . .

[Hm1357]

Point taken.. thanks though.

[IAmFCA]

I'm feeling like a light bulb is going off... thank you reinventmyself. I've been reading about it and I don't fit the "codependent" mold completely but a lot of the description does sound like me and the situations I've gotten myself into. Now I'm wondering if we both recover separately, if there's still hope for a successful relationship. Is that pathetic?

The worst thing the therapist did was say yes to that question.... when i was deeply avoidant and in a codependent marriage. I had this romantic idea that we would take the room we need, get better, come back together.

 

No. I needed to be alone, utterly alone, to discover the empty spot that was hidden beneath my extraordinary coping skills.

 

So, there always is a chance. You might win the lottery, there is a chance.

 

The truth is, you need to cut ties to find your own path. You can't make enough decisions that reflect your voice and only your voice, so long as you're tied to someone else.

[zeino]

Quickly get him off the legal/illegal track because he's right, he can video people in public in the US. It's not about that it's about how creepy it is for your husband to be videoing women rears in a gym.

 

Getting high on the illegal horse (because it's not illegal in the US) is not to your benefit, however cut to the chase about how personally disgusting you find it and how pervy and creepy it is.

 

His fellow pervs are not a good jury for this. You are the wife and your feelings about this are more important than his posse of voyeurs and creepers. Tell him he's nothing more than a low life peeping tom.

 

 

Check this out OP.

 

 

 

When you search for "private" which will yield 128 results, you will see that some public recordings are a felony depending on the nature and circumstances of recording. The focus being on a woman's bottom in a gym could easily classify as voyeurism as opposed to a public recording of entire bodies from a distance around a landmark.

 

Anyway, this isn't his major problem. His problem is that he lacks a moral compass here.

 

I agree with everything else Wiseman says though. Discussing the legal/illegal aspect is just a distraction, deflection.If your husband wants to elaborate on this, he can think about the difference between legal and legitimate.

[Hm1357]

Thank you zeino. I am still trying to sort through my emotions here. I feel like I'm going through the 5 stages of grief over this!

 

Husband and I have barely spoken since our counseling appointment Monday and after him yelling at me for acting "crazy" over this issue, i am starting to feel crazy. I'm losing count of how many times I've been lied to and instead of leaving a relationship with no trust, I've desperately hoped and wanted him to change. I'm going to get counseling by myself for codependency and hopefully gain some clarity.

[abitbroken]

Yes, sleeping in seperate rooms all the time does not always help a marriage - that was one of your original questions. But it does not CAUSE what he was doing.

 

But as far as the video stuff - this is cause for concern and can definitely lead to criminal charges particularly if the woman was under 18, and/or he published it online. The fact that he did it RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU is particularly disturbing. It CAN lead to him thinking if he got away with this - then he could go further and try to catch women in the shower - either secretly filming you to share on websites or women he doesn't know.

 

There is NOTHING you have done to cause this. This guy is a creep. Did you have any inkling before you married?

 

If he looked at sites that had ordinary photos of attractive models etc, like what they have in magazines I wouldn't be alarmed. But because he is involving unsuspecting women - and I wonder if the websites he is on are really women who have posted their parts for all to see or they are victims of peepers.

 

The other thing is that he didn't shamefully admit that he has a problem - its all about blaming YOU.

 

I am sorry that this happened to you - were there any red flags at all before these discoveries?

[zeino]

Thank you zeino. I am still trying to sort through my emotions here. I feel like I'm going through the 5 stages of grief over this!

 

Husband and I have barely spoken since our counseling appointment Monday and after him yelling at me for acting "crazy" over this issue, i am starting to feel crazy. I'm losing count of how many times I've been lied to and instead of leaving a relationship with no trust, I've desperately hoped and wanted him to change. I'm going to get counseling by myself for codependency and hopefully gain some clarity.

 

I feel for you OP. This is a big shocker. Horrible timing after a recent wedding. Big disappointment after everything you have overcome. But I am telling you with all the clarity in my head and with all my life experience that one day you will feel grateful for this timing. That it happened early in your relationship, that you aren't even more tied to each other, that you have a lot of power in yourself actually even if you may not always recognize or remember this. You will look back and all this will seem like something that belongs to a distant past. It will not affect you. And that time will come pretty quickly if you focus on yourself actually.

 

Don't let the word codependent define you. It is good to have a name for our patterns but codependency is a set of behaviours that can be unshed and even during our codependency we have lots of power in our personal arsenal to do empowered things - I am Al-Anonic myself, the temple for codependents, especially those who are the family or friends of addicts/alcoholics ;-) so I think I know what I'm saying. You have a lot of power, albeit misplaced. Look at how resilient you are! Look at everything you have gone through! Only, you are using that power to solve problems outside you and not using it where it actually can do something. Change the places of control and your life will get so much better. We tend to focus on other people too much. Apply all those to yourself.

 

You think he has a problem? Immediately ask yourself what your problem is and work on that?

YOu want him to get well? Immediately think about what you can do to get well.

You are worried about his ethics, his morals, his values? Immediately think about your own and how you can translate them into real life actions.

You think he is being a creep? Immediately think about what you need because of this uneasy feeling. Your job is to remove yourself from being "the creep's" wife whether you choose to remain with him or not. What do you need to come to a better point? Actually, it has very little to do with him, it has a lot to do with you.

 

These things have a social burden, a kind of societal shame. It's not easy for partners to share what is happening, if we take action, we may sometimes fear what people think etc. We practise the emotional labour. Partners of alcoholics know this really well. These mean nothing. No scandal has stopped the earth from turning so far. These get pretty easily forgotten and only we share ho wmuch we wish to share.

 

One day all will be so irrelevant, trust me you will laugh.

 

But you must keep your compass. The typical behaviour of codependents is to go into semi-rational arguments with obviously insane people so we discuss about irrelevant things in never ending arguments and we lose by going "crazy", being tagged "crazy" etc. They don't go that crazy because this is their control area. Get out of this.

 

YOu are an adult woman who has her judgment. If you think something, there is a reason for it. And of course you can go crazy in a situation like this, it is a normal reaction. What does he expect you to do in the midst of his insanity? Only, don't get stuck there for too long as it will transform you. It's unfair to you really.

 

Experience all that anger, share it with people in Al-Anon if you can access it, everyone has stories like this there, there is no limit to venting. And one day, you will say, hey, enough already. Let me start living. None of this is an obstacle to what you are doing for your marriage. You can do everything in your own speed. Just focus on your own healing as much as you would take care of an ill person - I know you would do it wonderfully. Help yourself the way you would help others. It will feel so good.

 

Allow yourself to be free in a loving way. You weren't born to solve problems, you didn't come to this world to make things happen at your cost. Maybe the relationship gets better and your partner recovers and hey, you discover that you actually don't like him that much after all. Just allow yourself to be free. Everything will get better.

 

I wish you the best.

[Hm1357]

Abitbroken - there were other red flags that I chose to ignore, but I never imagined this to be something I'd be finding out. Thank you for your kind words. I don't believe that I caused this and I know it's not my fault. But I do take responsibility for ignoring red flags and will figure out why I'm drawn to potentially negative relationships over and over again!

 

Zeino - thank you so much for the thoughtful response. I really appreciate it. I am trying very hard to gain control of myself and focus only on me. I started reading "codependent no more" and have a counseling appointment this Tuesday which I can't wait to go to. In hindsight, the happiest I have ever been in my life was after I ended a toxic relationship about 5 years ago. I went through counseling and gained confidence but was still in denial that there was anything "wrong" with me - I just had horrible "luck" with men. I'm finally ready to address the reasons I've become this way and fix them.

 

I had actually tried Al Anon meetings right before my husband - then fiancé - quit drinking in March. I was feeling helpless and at my wits end - I told him I would not stay if he continued to keep drinking so he quit. Then after two months he quit AA and I quit Al anon.. I found myself resentful that I had to "waste" my time going to meetings when I wouldn't have been there if it weren't for "his" problem. Now I realize my thought process was a problem. I'll do whatever it takes to be the best version of myself. At the recommendation of our couples therapist, we are each going to separate therapists (each to a new therapist as he wishes to stay neutral, since we originally went to him for help as a couple) for individual counseling. I did tell the couples therapist that I feel I'm codependent and he said to not be surprised if I outgrow my relationship in some ways as I go through this recovery process. I won't be surprised but it's still all very difficult and hard not to get sad over. I will figure it out one step at a time.

 

Thanks again.

[Ms Darcy]

It's sad so many (women in this case) ignore red flags and end up in this situation. You might want to really work with a therapist to help understand what in your life would allow you to marry an alcoholic.

 

I think if you continue to ignore advice, you'll be back in a year or so (hopefully under the same name) with another, more disturbing problem.

[paintedfish]

It's not a guarantee, but there is evidence linking behaviors such as voyeurism, flashing, or rubbing yourself on strangers for sexual gratification leads to an escalation in behavior, including sexual assault. Having a circle of creep friends encourage him is extremely dangerous.

 

Keep the evidence, get him banned, do what you can to get yourself away from this. Therapy is good. Good luck and be super careful! I hope he gets the help he needs, but he is a predator.

[Hm1357]

Hi again.. I wanted to circle back to this to provide an update. I've been in counseling for about 6 weeks working on building my confidence and assertive communication skills as well as trying to break my codependent tendencies. I've also been put on anti depressants for general anxiety and depression (moreso anxiety, but I let this issue impact me way too much to the point I'd been feeling pretty down). My husband is also in counseling, but he wanted to stop because "he didn't have anything left to talk about." My therapist suggested he should keep going as this short period of time isn't enough to change a behavior. She also made me more aware than ever that our age gap may have a lot to do with his choices and that he is not developmentally where I am - he's 24 and I'm 30.

 

Last week, as planned, after 6 weeks of us each seeking individual therapy, we went to back to our couples therapist. I haven't talked about the issue much with husband, but it was/is still very much affecting me so I wanted to let him know that it still hurts, I haven't forgiven him yet and not sure if I can, don't know how long it would take but that I needed to see long-term consistent trustworthy behavior from him if there would be a chance to get through this. Just the fact that I'm still bothered by it made him so agitated that he was displaying all kinds of angry body language (clenching fists, shaking, voice rising), and our therapist had to block him from leaving the room. When he calmed down, he acknowledged that he was willing to do whatever it takes to gain my trust but then he became seriously depressed and withdrawn for a couple days (he was also put on an antidepressant the same day as this appointment and claimed it was the medication making him feel that way, -and maybe it wasn't helping but I noticed his personality change amid our counseling). During this session, he was also asked to put himself in my shoes and say how he would feel if I had taken a video of a man, he said, in so many words, that he wouldn't care. He went on and said it isn't like he camps out at the gym taking videos of girls, it was one time - I interrupted him and said ONE TIME was enough to make me wonder if I should be with you! He became quiet...

 

I texted our counselor the next day asking if I should be cautious of the way my husband acted during our session. His response was that it pained him to watch him struggle through the "fallout" and that if I'm overly cautious, it may create a new problem. He said my husband is a good man, to remain assertive but to try to provide support and reassurance. That's hard for me right now but I tried this approach in days following...

 

Anyways, my counselor (a psychologist with many years of experience) recommended routinely looking at his phone (with him being present and obviously consenting to it) while trust is being regained in the relationship. I mentioned this during our couples session and the couples therapist asked Jared if he would be okay with this - he said yes. I haven't looked at his phone since I found the video in November. So last night, around midnight he told me he had to go back to work to check inventory and place an order which he routinely does after every evening shift he works BUT he had worked until 10 pm last night so I found it very odd that he had to go back. He said he forgot to check what was needed when he was there. I asked him if he really was okay with me looking at his phone and he nodded but became a little irritated. Instead of getting his phone, we sat there awkwardly until he said "well I could just order more than we need." My response was "so you don't want me to look at your phone?" ( Side note - I feel incredibly awkward asking to do this and understand that searching through a spouse's property is a violation of their privacy, but given our situation I do feel it's legitimate.) He was increasingly irritated and said "I don't think it's necessary but whatever." At that point he got his phone. I briefly scrolled through text and email and he asked to see what I was looking at so I showed him - a moment later he said, "you're making me really uncomfortable right now." So I set his phone down and asked what he thinks I've felt for the last couple of months. I told him it would be different if I were just paranoid for no reason but trust has been broken and I wished he were willing to do what it takes to fix it.

 

He said he is willing, he doesn't get what else I want from him. I reminded him that he told me moments earlier and during multiple other conversations that he would be fine if I looked at his phone. He said it's different when I'm actually doing it. I asked why he needs a layer of privacy, as I have no secrets to hide and him being an open book is necessary to maybe trust him again. He didn't really have a solid explanation, just kept reiterating how uncomfortable it made him feel. I do think it's abnormal to do something like that, but my counselor reassured me that if he has nothing to hide and wants me to be confident in him, that he should have no problem with being an open book in all aspects for a period of time. She also recommended I put a time stamp on the relationship to see if he will change his behavior, we agreed a year would be appropriate.

 

Every time I feel we are making progress, it's one step forward and two back. My question is, do you think looking through a spouse's phone is acceptable once trust has been broken? It isn't the way that I want to live but when I feel like there's something fishy going on, and trust hasn't been restored yet, I think it could be a temporary trust building activity. My therapist suggested going through it daily for a little while. I definitely don't want to do this forever - if forever exists for us, but I would like affirmation right now that his words are lining up with his actions. I don't want to take it as far as looking daily but I wanted to gauge others' responses - should he be extremely agitated by this when he's the one who violated trust? Should I insist/keep doing it? I hate the way it makes me feel but it probably wouldn't be so bad if he were more open. His defensiveness and anger set me back. I hope that his behavior is associated with his age and immaturity but I'm not really sure. He doesn't see how we differ in maturity.

 

I know many people thought I should leave him without giving another chance, understandably so, but I would really appreciate additional feedback regarding the questions/concerns I've posed here...

 

thank you for reading!

[notalady]

Given it's the therapist's recommendation and that trust HAS been broken, I think looking through his phone with his consent and his presence is absolutely fine.

 

Would I feel uncomfortable if someone looks through my messages and emails like that? Yes probably, but I would also not feel defensive or object (if I was in his exact position), because there's genuinely nothing to hide.

 

It seems to be a common thing that the cheaters or anyone who broke their partner's trust say - I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what else to do.

 

But often, fact is, they're not doing everything they can to gain their partner's trust back. They're not doing what their partner specifically ask them to do to build that trust back. They actually just want things to go back to the way it was without having to work at it, basically have the partner pretend it never happened.

 

I would say give it much less time than 1 year given this "one step forward, two steps back" pattern. I would say 6 months is plenty. If no material progress has been made by then, I would suggest a divorce. After all, you've tried your best, it is what it is.

 

Emotional maturity also doesn't always have to do with age. I've met guys 8 years older than me that has the emotional maturity of a teenager. Ironically, I don't think immature people have the maturity for introspection and self improvement, they rarely see their own immaturities for what it is. So you're pretty much banging your head against a wall trying to make them see it.

[Jibralta]

My question is, do you think looking through a spouse's phone is acceptable once trust has been broken?

 

Yes, absolutely. You have to protect yourself first.

 

Don't you think it's pretty ironic that he doesn't like having his own privacy compromised when he's made a hobby of violating the privacy of others!!

 

But my question for you is, why are you staying in this situation? He's a proven liar and a hypocrite who is resistant to change and squirmy when he's pinned down.

 

Why not protect yourself completely by getting him out of your life, and stop messing around with half-measures like checking his phone. He'll just get another!

[reinventmyself]

I personally think it's pointless.

My therapist would agree.

Basically, people are going to do what they want to do.

 

If he has the desire he will either squash it while he's under the microscope or find a work around.

 

Checking a phone that's under scrutiny seems silly to me.

 

Tell me. Does it make you feel better? Do you believe that in that moment you check and find things clear that the desire or the ability to act on it is gone?

If not, then why look?

 

It's like going after the symptoms but not addressing the problem.

 

I think his attitude about the whole exercise is more telling than the exercise itself.

It's a measure of his commitment to making things right.

[reinventmyself]

Just the fact that I'm still bothered by it made him so agitated that he was displaying all kinds of angry body language (clenching fists, shaking, voice rising), and our therapist had to block him from leaving the room. When he calmed down, he acknowledged that he was willing to do whatever it takes to gain my trust but then he became seriously depressed and withdrawn for a couple days (he was also put on an antidepressant the same day as this appointment and claimed it was the medication making him feel that way, -and maybe it wasn't helping but I noticed his personality change amid our counseling). During this session, he was also asked to put himself in my shoes and say how he would feel if I had taken a video of a man, he said, in so many words, that he wouldn't care. He went on and said it isn't like he camps out at the gym taking videos of girls, it was one time

 

I could be totally wrong but this jumps off the page to me. I don't know of antidepressants causing someone to be overly defensive,but I guess it's possible.

Men don't handle the hot seat very well, period. Well no one does actually. Don't dismiss to the meds.

 

And when you asked him for some empathy, he had none and minimized his actions.

This isn't a very good indication that he gets it . . or is willing to.

 

I could be wrong. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Just stay on track and I hope you see some changes soon.

[Wiseman2]

It's an odd suggestion and it won't build trust, but will erode it. Besides he can use another device, so the exercise is pointless if not harmful. More importantly, why isn't this psychologist addressing sleeping in separate bedrooms and the lack of quality overall in the relationship?

my counselor (a psychologist with many years of experience) recommended routinely looking at his phone (with him being present and obviously consenting to it) while trust is being regained in the relationship. I mentioned this during our couples session and the couples therapist asked Jared if he would be okay with this - he said yes.

[nutbrownhare]

I think you should really dedicate yourself to making the relationship work - if that's what you want - taking the therapist's recommendations into account.

 

The reasons for this are two-fold. Your guy is highly unlikely to change if he feels pressured, and if he's going to look at this afresh (unlikely as this may be) then it's more likely to happen if he's allowed to do so in his own time. It sounds as though he really, seriously can't understand why his behaviour is inappropriate.

 

Secondly, if you know you've given it everything you've got, and he's STILL being a slightly older version of the little boy who lifts up girls' skirts, it will be much easier to leave. Sometimes we want to go back to bad relationships, blame ourselves and set things right. If you've already given your all, and there's nothing left to give, the incompatibility is much clearer to see. Eventually most of us get fed up with feeling like ****, but getting sucked into the games can be quite addictive.

 

I wouldn't give it a year though...

[abitbroken]

Just the fact that I'm still bothered by it made him so agitated that he was displaying all kinds of angry body language (clenching fists, shaking, voice rising), and our therapist had to block him from leaving the room. When he calmed down, he acknowledged that he was willing to do whatever it takes to gain my trust but then he became seriously depressed and withdrawn for a couple days (he was also put on an antidepressant the same day as this appointment and claimed it was the medication making him feel that way, -and maybe it wasn't helping but I noticed his personality change amid our counseling). During this session, he was also asked to put himself in my shoes and say how he would feel if I had taken a video of a man, he said, in so many words, that he wouldn't care. He went on and said it isn't like he camps out at the gym taking videos of girls, it was one time

 

I could be totally wrong but this jumps off the page to me. I don't know of antidepressants causing someone to be overly defensive,but I guess it's possible.

Men don't handle the hot seat very well, period. Well no one does actually. Don't dismiss to the meds.

 

And when you asked him for some empathy, he had none and minimized his actions.

This isn't a very good indication that he gets it . . or is willing to.

 

I could be wrong. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Just stay on track and I hope you see some changes soon.

 

anti-depressants, at least some of them, can make you feel very drowsy or withdrawn the first little bit you are on them, so that could be accurate. Not defensive, but drowsy. He also might just be saying that to sheild himself from admitting he was sad that he had been caught or that the relationship was in trouble. But this guy's in the hot seat and knows it. Unfortunately, there will be no breakthtough unless he admits that he was wrong or gets some humility.

[abitbroken]

Do you want me to be absolutely honest?

 

As a recent newlywed, I would advise you to run. Your wanting to work this out is extremely admirable, but you married a pervert, an alcoholic, a manipulator, etc, who could be arrested for his behavior. If this is what happens in the happy blush of new marriage, what happens when he really settles in? I would be worried about you losing everything you have worked for because someone sues him criminally or civilly or he sneaks around and has an affair - or takes pictures of someone underaged.

 

This is where I would pack his bags and tell him to go sleep on a brother's or friend's sofa and not let him back in until there is progress made or just plain divorce.

 

You are a better woman than I if you are trying to work this out, but it may be more heartache down the line than it is worth if he entered this marriage with no intention to be faithful to you

[chanelaris]

He is definitely over stepping boundaries. I would be incredibly hurt if I were you. My gosh - hugs.