Husband being a creep

[Hm1357]

Reinvent myself - you're right, i don't feel good about doing it but it was the first time I asked him to see it so I was testing the waters for myself. I did feel like I have a right to know what he's doing since the issue arose, but it made me feel like crap. Then, his defenses made me feel even worse. It's just confused me because my counselor said it was the right thing to do even though it didn't feel right.

 

Wiseman - because we decided at Christmastime to buy a king sized bed to help get back in the same bedroom. We are sharing the same room about half time now, still in part to our off-schedules. Also, my therapist isn't overly concerned about saving our relationship. I told her I wanted to work on it, so she gives me advice when I ask for it but our main focus is me. You are spot on with "quality" of the relationship - our couples therapist is a different person and he is trying to shift the focus on that. We did start working on some circle of life activity in which we determine each other's most valued values. We pick back up on that this week. We have had quality at times so I'm hoping we can find it again, pending trust, in whatever way we are able to establish it, if we are able..

 

Abitbroken - I appreciate your insight and I really do realize how awful what he did was, it's hurt like hell and the nerve he had to disrespect two women (her and me) is still unfathomable to me - but I've experienced many of the good things about him that make it hard for me to just put the relationship down and walk away. I'm going to define my boundaries for him to make it very clear what isn't okay with me (NEVER imagined I'd have to say something like this is unacceptable). If he does really "settle in" then all of this counseling will have been good for nothing as far as he goes, but I will be better regardless of what he does. I do feel that mine is helping me as a person, despite our setbacks. Over this time stamped period, I'm hoping to conclude if my life is better with or without him in it.

 

Thank you for your comments nutbrownhare, I agree that he doesn't get why his actions were incredibly wrong though he's admitted they had no morals behind them..

 

Thanks for the comments everyone. I am geting impatient with this and most weeks I see my therapist I tell her I'm still not over it.. don't trust him.. what can I do? Her most frequent advice (apart from phone checking) is that it's going to take more time to build trust and that he has to earn it with consistency etc.. wish I could wave my magic wand over a crystal ball 😖

[abitbroken]

Abitbroken - I appreciate your insight and I really do realize how awful what he did was, it's hurt like hell and the nerve he had to disrespect two women (her and me) is still unfathomable to me - but I've experienced many of the good things about him that make it hard for me to just put the relationship down and walk away. I'm going to define my boundaries for him to make it very clear what isn't okay with me (NEVER imagined I'd have to say something like this is unacceptable). If he does really "settle in" then all of this counseling will have been good for nothing as far as he goes, but I will be better regardless of what he does. I do feel that mine is helping me as a person, despite our setbacks. Over this time stamped period, I'm hoping to conclude if my life is better with or without him in it.

 

Consider that the 'good" people talk about are things that a lot of other people could provide. A large number of people laugh at movies, can have a good conversation about things that entertain them, and show up for work. Those are baseline things. They are not unique where they mean that someone picks a spouse based on those things - those are just the basic things someone has to have for another person to agree to go out with them.

 

Its not even about your boundaries. There are things adult, mature, sentient beings do and don't do. He either is very, very ill mentally or he was never taught right from wrong or didn't absorb it in a way that would stick. There are things that are an "oops" that happen as a one off. An error. This is about his make up as a person, his personality and who he is.

 

 

Take an illegal activity. A percentage of the population won't do said thing because its against the law and they would be punished if caught (if there was no law about it, who knows) and they don't want to get caught. A percentage would not do that thing because it would hurt someone else, regardless if it was legal or not, and they couldn't live with themselves if they hurt a person mentally, physically or financially. A percentage would not do it because its against their moral code - a full stop on it and it doesn't matter if its illegal or not or whether it would impact someone else or not - its just wrong and they won't do it.

 

So where does he fit in? He doesn't have that full stop of saying a) Oh gosh, I thought about videoing women, but you know, its not worth the risk of being arrested. or b) if i did that, my wife would be hurt if she found out. Or i could hurt that young woman. or c) i didn't even think about doing it because its just one of those wrong things. Or even if i had the fleeting thought, it immediately was squashed. There are none of those things that give him any pause.

 

He can do the clown and pony show and let you look at his phone and "gain your trust" - be rewarded for passing the phone over and going through the motions, but you can seldom change the heart of a man who should have been so enamored about his new bride and his future with her in the first days and months of his marriage that his brain would not even crossed over into the want, need or compulsion for such things. He may eventually start to just Yes you and do what you want, but he may just end up being resentful and unchanged and ready to break out again at any time.

[Hm1357]

Thanks abitbroken. You are right. He rarely thinks of consequences before he acts. My "heart" wants it to be his age. My mind is skeptical. You know what I mean - I fight with myself. Our counselors seem to think he can change, if he wants to, as others said a couple of months ago and I do realize that. What I don't know is if he is appeasing me or going to go lose his tame again once this problem is far enough behind him.

 

I also see where you're coming from as far as others having those positive qualities and choosing a good man based on good, similar morals. Thank you for following this and for your input. It helps me. I know we won't survive long term without trust.

 

Next month, I begin to travel 2-3 weeks out of every month for my job until mid-October with a lull or two in between. I don't turn into a nervous wreck worrying about what he is doing when I travel but I'll have a lot of time to myself to soul search.

[Lester]

"Anyways, my counselor (a psychologist with many years of experience) recommended routinely looking at his phone (with him being present and obviously consenting to it) while trust is being regained in the relationship."

- While away, reread the above line over and over.

 

Doing so, may help you skip all future band-aid advice, and work on the heart of the problem.

 

You're in a Mother/Son relationship. (And not much of one at that.)

[reinventmyself]

 

 

 

So where does he fit in? He doesn't have that full stop of saying a) Oh gosh, I thought about videoing women, but you know, its not worth the risk of being arrested. or b) if i did that, my wife would be hurt if she found out. Or i could hurt that young woman. or c) i didn't even think about doing it because its just one of those wrong things. Or even if i had the fleeting thought, it immediately was squashed. There are none of those things that give him any pause..

 

Not only did it not give him pause, he goes a step further and minimizes his actions and wouldn't see anything wrong with you doing the same.

 

So not only is he void of any conscious regarding this, in his words he actually defends his actions.

 

I think if he had `pause' it might suggest remorse is possible. But he's missing that part. That and empathy (being able to understand how it might make you feel)