Do commitment phobes realise they have a problem? Or care about how they hurt pe

reinventmyself · September 19, 2016

OMG ... Is that a reference to Naomi and her doctor friend?

I actually saw her reply to something yesterday. . I had to take a double take.

Hermes · September 19, 2016

Let's not even go there....

Sarahjb · September 19, 2016

Yup it's a constant internal struggle and it's exhausting!

Yes of course I regret the guys I have let go. All the time!

At first I feel relief convincing myself of this or that, that I did the right thing.

But then after awhile, I realize it wasn't them at all, it was all me, and that's when the guilt starts.

Going through that right now as a matter of fact with a couple of guys I recently walked away from.

But unlike many who struggle with the same fears, I do not and WILL NOT attempt to re-connect.

It's actually very selfish to do that as I know if they were to respond positively and wish to see me again, I am self-aware enough to know the same thing would happen... and I will not put anyone through that.

It's mean, cruel actually. And selfish. And it messes people's heads up. The push/pull, hot/cold.

I am aware of that so WON'T do it. At least NOT until I work out my issues, but even after that I probably won't. Just start over with someone new and try not to run.

So Sarah, if I have any advice for you now, it's IF and when this guy contacts you again (and he will, he may even cry as bizarre as that may sound), making promises, saying he's changed or whatevs DO NOT go back with him.

Because the same exact thing will happen again... once the RL gets too close and/or committed, he, once again, will bolt.

You seem like a beautiful person and don't deserve that, no one does.

Best of luck as you move forward!

Thanks for the reply and yeah at first I had no idea what the hell was going on and even agreed to see him a couple of times after the break up. We would seem to have a great time together and be working towards getting back together then later he would text me "I'm at a crossroad I'm afraid I'll hurt you again. What if these doubts come back then what? But he would constantly say how it was nothing I did. It was just him. But then I noticed the more I'd talk to him the more rude he would become and nit picking and scrutinising my every move. For example he'd tell a really offensive sexual joke that was just downright rude and id ask him not to disrespect me like that he'd say "this was one of the problems you don't get my sense of humour" or tell me I was too "dramatic " when he was the one making me feel like I'm going crazy in the first place lol. I definitely want no part of him in my life anymore. This whole situation made me lose so much self esteem like

katrina1980 · September 19, 2016

He has a valid point. I know of a couple of guys who "seemed" to be commitmentphobes (history of short relationships, rushing, etc) who actually did settle down in their 30s when they did find the "perfect" (in other words "perfect for them") girl. So, it DOES happen that maybe someone realizes that you weren't what they are genuinely looking for.

Just because not everyone agrees doesn't mean they are judging you. You have an opinion on his behavior. But it's not a proven. Others are just stating our opinions as well.

Yes that DID happen to one of my brothers too (I have five).... we all thought he was a huge commitment phobe, but last year he met a woman (with a young daughter no less) fell head over heals, and married her a year later!

So yeah it does happen... but IMO those folks don't suffer from the same fears (or any fears) as someone else might.

He/she just hadn't met the right person yet.

Although that said, my ex and I were very committed to each other for six years. However, our RL was very unconventional in that we allowed each other A LOT of "space"... more than most couples, more than any other couple I know would be comfortable with.

We often did our own thing too, but there was a lot of love there and trust, so it worked "for us."

I would probably need to find a man like him again, otherwise I am doomed to be alone for the rest of my life unless and until I figure this shyt out within myself.

Fudgie · September 19, 2016

I think it really depends....some people who are commitment-phobes just haven't met the right person yet, as Ms. Darcy and others have pointed out. These people end up settling down when they meet the right person and when they themselves feel ready. Perhaps they have hit a certain age or point in their careers that they feel comfortable with. Hard to say.

Others, though, have issues that are not just about "finding the right person" but actually stem from personal issues. I am one of these people. I have had LTRs but I've kept people at a major distance while in a relationship and other issues. I am really ambivalent/weird about marriage. I'm always the person who leaves the relationship; I have not been dumped. However, I am going to therapy and working on myself and this is an on-going process. My boyfriend is great but I have to be honest with myself, even if he were better/perfect, I'd still have issues because I'm me and have my own crap to work on. This is a "me" problem, not a "him" problem.

So yeah, someone may be a commitment-phobe but there may be different reasons for this.

Sarahjb · September 19, 2016

He has a valid point. I know of a couple of guys who "seemed" to be commitmentphobes (history of short relationships, rushing, etc) who actually did settle down in their 30s when they did find the "perfect" (in other words "perfect for them") girl. So, it DOES happen that maybe someone realizes that you weren't what they are genuinely looking for.

Just because not everyone agrees doesn't mean they are judging you. You have an opinion on his behavior. But it's not a proven. Others are just stating our opinions as well.

I'm not some clingy girl who cant take a hint or can't see when someone's not into me. I've been dumped before and never jumped on the band wagon to thinking they were commitment phobic. But the way this guy behaved was bizarre I never experienced anything like it how could someone change so dramatically over night? A week before the break up telling me I was the best thing to ever happen him then to break up a week later? Just seems really shady. He never once cummicated anything being wrong at all like I said just singing my praises all the time of course I'm going to be shocked when he pulls this stunt. I just think wisemens comment was insensitive and I genuinely don't think he was trying to give helpful advice to me it just sounded like he was being sarcastic and mean and not even trying to see where I'm coming from.

Ms Darcy · September 19, 2016

I'm not some clingy girl who cant take a hint or can't see when someone's not into me. I've been dumped before and never jumped on the band wagon to thinking they were commitment phobic. But the way this guy behaved was bizarre I never experienced anything like it how could someone change so dramatically over night? A week before the break up telling me I was the best thing to ever happen him then to break up a week later? Just seems really shady. He never once cummicated anything being wrong at all like I said just singing my praises all the time of course I'm going to be shocked when he pulls this stunt.

I think you're glossing over the points about his initial behavior being a red flag that most people would shy away from. People don't force you into relationships (unless it's through threats). In this case, did you not realize they were flags or did you knowingly choose to ignore them. Because the lesson for you would be different depending on the case.

ThatwasThen · September 19, 2016

Wiseman I adore you, but that book is really nothing but a long list of "what to do/not do" for women who tend to be too needy and clingy.

It does NOT get to the "heart" the matter, that being these women need to figure out WHY they are so needy and clingy, and as such need to learn new behaviors, instead of resorting back to a bunch of "how to's" to attract men (at least according to the two men who authored it).

I am sure you have heard the saying:

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."

That book essentially gives women the "how to's" which is great for the short term, but it does not teach them or provide the necessary tools to succeed in the long term...so they are able to KNOW what to do for themselves.

I think the point was to tell them to stop doing what's not working and if they were to do that, then what they should do, will come naturally.

limichelle · September 19, 2016

I was with somebody for ten years and he truly loved me but was a commitment phoebe the whole time without coming clean and being upfront. He put on a mask saying he was working towards us getting married one day. Well that day of course never came hence the ex part. Why would he stay with me for so long if he didn't want to settle down and be married? I believe Sarah has a point commitment phoebe is a real thing. Not just because somebody wasn't into you or you weren't the one.

My ex is happier being alone. He is one of those lone wolf types.

When he was with me he was very devoted to me and committed but just couldn't take it to the next level and settle down.

Wiseman its kind of like in the movie He's just not that into you where she is with the guy for 7 years but he refuses to marry.

Sarah I think he is a definite commitment phoebe and as commitment phoebes go they don't want to believe they have commitment issues. So they blame others for their problems or suddenly disappear like he did to you because he wants to play the field until the day he dies. Or be a loner like my ex.

Lisa

limichelle · September 19, 2016

Sorry my post came out more bitter then expected.

Sarah you will find somebody better who wants you all of you and to settle down.

Lisa

ThatwasThen · September 19, 2016

Now we're saying that just because a guy doesn't want to marry he's a "commitment phobe?" Surely no. Id say someone being with just you for 10 years hardly has commitment phobia. More like marriage phobia.

Sarahjb · September 19, 2016

I think you're glossing over the points about his initial behavior being a red flag that most people would shy away from. People don't force you into relationships (unless it's through threats). In this case, did you not realize they were flags or did you knowingly choose to ignore them. Because the lesson for you would be different depending on the case.

This was a first for me and I genuinely didn't see anything as a red flag I just thought that he was flattering to have someone so "into me" who was charming, attentive, witty, kind and couldn't do enough for me. Yeah I get it was fast and now I understand that's a red flag but I didn't back then and maybe that's because I watch too many romantic comedys lol but I don't think I'd make the same mistake again. You live and you learn. I'm only 22 and I have never dealt with someone like this before. Also I'm very trusting and believe everyone had good intentions

chitown9 · September 19, 2016

I have found this thread interesting having been in a relationship with a commitment phobe. I can understand why the OP has a need to discuss this phenomenon. It is such a bewildering experience that it creates a tremendous need to understand what in the hell happened. What is important to understand is that there is a tremendous drive for the person with this condition to have that closeness as they are starved for it, so that is why they come on strong at first; however, when the intimacy increases, bringing on ANXIETY, their fear of intimacy takes hold and they want to bail. So they do an about face and start finding fault with their partner which they may or may not vocalize to their partner. What I came to realize was that my boyfriend loved me to the best of his capability. Commitment phobes will cheat on their SO, but it is to distance them from their SO. I would not consider them to be players. Some commitment phobes actually get married. I think that this happens because the condition is not that embedded in their psyche yet, so the marriage most likely occurred at a young age. In these marriages the commitment phobia plays out like this: the commitment phobe has affairs, or is a work alcholic, or a overly absorbed in an activity such as golf. Anything to throw some distance into the marriage. The wife/husband feels lonely. It is not a happy marriage.

But to answer the question: do they know what they are doing.....I do not believe they do. My commitment phobe did not know why he did the things he did. He realized his behavior was very contrary. I actually explained himself to him, and he was actually relieved to finally understand what was motivating him. In our case, we continued on knowing that he had this problem, but I finally ended it because it was not fulfilling to me.

As a final note, I am not surprised about the fat girlfriend. It wll be his excuse to her when he ends it. It is not unusual for commitment phobes to end the relationship based on a factor that was already present at the beginning of the relationship. It is just more confusing stuff.

Anyway...I hope this helps. It comes from the College of Hard Knocks. chi

chitown9 · September 19, 2016

Also, a book called, "Men Who Cannot Love." The author is Steven

Carter. However, women an also have this condition.

katrina1980 · September 19, 2016

I have found this thread interesting having been in a relationship with a commitment phobe. I can understand why the OP has a need to discuss this phenomenon. It is such a bewildering experience that it creates a tremendous need to understand what in the hell happened. What is important to understand is that there is a tremendous drive for the person with this condition to have that closeness as they are starved for it, so that is why they come on strong at first; however, when the intimacy increases, bringing on ANXIETY, their fear of intimacy takes hold and they want to bail. So they do an about face and start finding fault with their partner which they may or may not vocalize to their partner. What I came to realize was that my boyfriend loved me to the best of his capability. Commitment phobes will cheat on their SO, but it is to distance them from their SO. I would not consider them to be players. Some commitment phobes actually get married. I think that this happens because the condition is not that embedded in their psyche yet, so the marriage most likely occurred at a young age. In these marriages the commitment phobia plays out like this: the commitment phobe has affairs, or is a work alcholic, or a overly absorbed in an activity such as golf. Anything to throw some distance into the marriage. The wife/husband feels lonely. It is not a happy marriage.

But to answer the question: do they know what they are doing.....I do not believe they do. My commitment phobe did not know why he did the things he did. He realized his behavior was very contrary. I actually explained himself to him, and he was actually relieved to finally understand what was motivating him. In our case, we continued on knowing that he had this problem, but I finally ended it because it was not fulfilling to me.

As a final note, I am not surprised about the fat girlfriend. It wll be his excuse to her when he ends it.

It is not unusual for commitment phobes to end the relationship based on a factor that was already present at the beginning of the relationship. It is just more confusing stuff.

LOL, I know a man who rejected his gf of six months because she didn't know how to scuba dive. Something he was very well aware of from the get go.

Once she started pushing for commitment, all of sudden he said he could never be with a woman who didn't know how to scuba dive and dumped her.

Nevermind the fact she said she would learn, he wanted no part of her after the C word was mentioned.

Personally, I never did stuff like that. I just need A LOT of space (mentally and physically) and when a man starts imposing on that, I start to feel a bit claustrophobic (mentally), and need to get away.

Many men have accused me of playing games but that is so wrong. It's just me needing space most of the time, which most men just don't get unfortunately.

Can't say I blame them though... the amount of mental and physical space I need is very much out of ordinary for most women.... which confuses them and throws them off a bit.

That's when the games begin which sucks... and everything just goes downhill from there, ending with me finally rejecting them.

Ms Darcy · September 19, 2016

This was a first for me and I genuinely didn't see anything as a red flag I just thought that he was flattering to have someone so "into me" who was charming, attentive, witty, kind and couldn't do enough for me. Yeah I get it was fast and now I understand that's a red flag but I didn't back then and maybe that's because I watch too many romantic comedys lol but I don't think I'd make the same mistake again. You live and you learn. I'm only 22 and I have never dealt with someone like this before. Also I'm very trusting and believe everyone had good intentions

Oh you are young! Haha. I gotcha. This is a good learning experience for sure.

Sarahjb · September 19, 2016

LOL, I know a man who rejected his gf of six months because she didn't know how to scuba dive. Something he was very well aware of from the get go.

Once she started pushing for commitment, all of sudden he said he could never be with a woman who didn't know how to scuba dive and dumped her.

Nevermind the fact she said she would learn, he wanted no part of her after the C word was mentioned.

LOL this made me laugh and it dosnt surprise me some of they're actions are so bizarre 😂😂😂

Sarahjb · September 19, 2016

While we're on the topic I have a friend who is a huge commitment phobe. But he's always in a relationship. They always only last a few months and these girls seem to have it it all. They're all 10's look like straight up supermodels.. they seem like really cool people who have it all and at the start he would always rant and rave about how they were "the one" meanwhile me and my friends would be making bets on how long it would last. Usually never past 3 or 4 months He would always give the most stupid reasons for ending the relationships and put the blame on the girl then move on in a week lol funnecessary thing is he's not really good looking he's just very confident, very charming and has the ability to get any girl he wants I find it fascinating

limichelle · September 19, 2016

Now we're saying that just because a guy doesn't want to marry he's a "commitment phobe?" Surely no. Id say someone being with just you for 10 years hardly has commitment phobia. More like marriage phobia.

True that makes more sense!

reinventmyself · September 19, 2016

I dated one of these guys 12 years ago. He was sort of a moving target and giving me mixed signals so I backed out.

We are still good friends today.

Back then I took a lot of his behavior personally but now having watched him get into a couple serious relationships only to sabotage them, I realized I dodged a bullet.

His relationship after me, they moved into together about 30 miles out of town. They rented a large house and bought all new furniture. Within a month he was making excuses that it was too late to drive home from his boat that he was always working on. He would stay on the boat at night and not go home for 2 or 3 days at a time. (I am chuckling just writing this)

After a lot of drama and fuss, she put his stuff on the lawn and changed the locks. He insists he didn't know why she was upset.

I don't think they lasted 4 mo's after moving in together.

His last relationship ended a year ago. He's been single since and he is a pretty good at being alone.

He is definitely someone who should stay that way.

Ms Darcy · September 19, 2016

While we're on the topic I have a friend who is a huge commitment phobe. But he's always in a relationship. They always only last a few months and these girls seem to have it it all. They're all 10's look like straight up supermodels.. they seem like really cool people who have it all and at the start he would always rant and rave about how they were "the one" meanwhile me and my friends would be making bets on how long it would last. Usually never past 3 or 4 months He would always give the most stupid reasons for ending the relationships and put the blame on the girl then move on in a week lol funnecessary thing is he's not really good looking he's just very confident, very charming and has the ability to get any girl he wants I find it fascinating

To be honest, what's the incentive for a young man to settle down when he can get a variety of gorgeous girls in his bed? He's just not in a place in life where he wants to settle down. Would be best for him to admit that.

j.man · September 19, 2016

To be honest, what's the incentive for a young man to settle down when he can get a variety of gorgeous girls in his bed? He's just not in a place in life where he wants to settle down. Would be best for him to admit that.

Yup. "Short-term dating" actually is a concept. It's one I personally enjoyed a lot. Who doesn't enjoy the freshness of dating someone new and having fun before the politics set in?

Now, I will say it is of course best to be forthcoming about it, but I wouldn't label someone who adheres to the custom as phobic. They simply know what they want and don't want. There are countless things we don't want... it doesn't mean we're afraid of such things. Relationships can very much be included in the category.

Ms Darcy · September 20, 2016

Yup. "Short-term dating" actually is a concept. It's one I personally enjoyed a lot. Who doesn't enjoy the freshness of dating someone new and having fun before the politics set in?

There is a lot of truth to this. I think we all know that there are a lot of women (and men of course!) who are on their best behavior in the beginning. I have a couple of guy friends who love the beginning stages. Lots of sex, friendliness, kindness, gifts, low expectations.

Once the gf label happens, then it's a lot of complaining ... you don't text me enough, do the dishes, you don't tell me I'm pretty, take out the trash, I want more texting, you don't hang out with me enough, turn down the air conditioning - I'm cold, text me more, you drink too much, fix my kitchen faucet, text more MORE, you aren't sensitive enough to my feelings, you STILL haven't taken out the trash, TEXT ME ALL THE TIME! We need to have another 2 hour talk tonight where I want you to validate my feelings.

I know lots of ladies who turn needy, controlling, and a bit crazy once they 'have' a bf.

IAmFCA · September 20, 2016

There is a lot of truth to this. I think we all know that there are a lot of women (and men of course!) who are on their best behavior in the beginning. I have a couple of guy friends who love the beginning stages. Lots of sex, friendliness, kindness, gifts, low expectations.

Once the gf label happens, then it's a lot of complaining ... you don't text me enough, do the dishes, you don't tell me I'm pretty, take out the trash, I want more texting, you don't hang out with me enough, turn down the air conditioning - I'm cold, text me more, you drink too much, fix my kitchen faucet, text more MORE, you aren't sensitive enough to my feelings, you STILL haven't taken out the trash, TEXT ME ALL THE TIME! We need to have another 2 hour talk tonight where I want you to validate my feelings.

I know lots of ladies who turn needy, controlling, and a bit crazy once they 'have' a bf.

This is so true.

Or, pretend to not be needy. Withdraw instead of requesting more. Then bounce back as if on an elastic. Then withdraw... "see? Not needy at all. I don't know what you're talking about."

Then wonder why he won't let us in closer.

katrina1980 · September 20, 2016

There is a lot of truth to this. I think we all know that there are a lot of women (and men of course!) who are on their best behavior in the beginning. I have a couple of guy friends who love the beginning stages. Lots of sex, friendliness, kindness, gifts, low expectations.

Once the gf label happens, then it's a lot of complaining ... you don't text me enough, do the dishes, you don't tell me I'm pretty, take out the trash, I want more texting, you don't hang out with me enough, turn down the air conditioning - I'm cold, text me more, you drink too much, fix my kitchen faucet, text more MORE, you aren't sensitive enough to my feelings, you STILL haven't taken out the trash, TEXT ME ALL THE TIME! We need to have another 2 hour talk tonight where I want you to validate my feelings.

I know lots of ladies who turn needy, controlling, and a bit crazy once they 'have' a bf.

Yup, hence the reason why so many men fear entering into relationships these days.

The woman starts getting clingy, making demands, etc., or suddenly has all these "expectations"... which results in the guy becoming turned off (understandably), and pulling away.... after which the woman starts bytching what an ******* he is!

Not even realizing SHE (and her needy, clingy behavior and high expectations) was the reason he got turned off and pulled away.

Women need to relax and CHILL. And I am a woman!

Sarah, not referring to you or your situation, I think that is completely different.

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