Do commitment phobes realise they have a problem? Or care about how they hurt pe

[Blue Spiral]

He will avoid confrontation at all costs but you can't just switch off some emotions without switching them all off.

 

Ehh, you can switch 'em off a good 90% of the time, IMHO.

 

And, to answer your original question, I did feel bad about hurting women's feelings. After I hurt my second girlfriend because of my emotional non-availability, I swore off relationships forever.

[Hermes]

He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

by Stephen Carter (Author), Julia Sokol (Author)

 

"... tackles the issue of commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men and women are torn between the desire for intimacy and the equally intense need for independence. Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind of wisdom gained by personal experience"

 

And "Men who Can't Love" by the same authors.

[boltnrun]

See, I view the so-called "commitment-phobes" as not "afraid" of commitment per se, but what they are REALLY afraid of is committing to a woman (or man) and then coming across another woman (or man) they like better. So they fear having "buyer's remorse" rather than fear of being in a relationship only because they don't want to be tied down in case "something better" comes along.

[Sarahjb]

Actually just finished reading "he's scared, she's scared" haha which is why I wrote this post. When it is was so convincined my ex has major commitment issues because it described him so well. I'm not sad anymore I'm happy I dodged a bullet. I don't need to be dealing with him and his physiological issues.

[Hermes]

Yes, Sarah.

 

Think:

 

"idealization to devaluation". It's a cycle and it is how the unstable act.

A researcher called Otto Kernberg nailed this syndrome.

[Sarahjb]

I'm both a commitmentphobe (though I believe that my phobia is justified) and emotionally unavailable. I've only been in two monogamous relationships in my life, and neither one lasted a year. Six months might be closer. Granted, I wasn't able to be emotionally faithful for even a week or two. Anyway, I believe that there are many different types of people that fall into these basic categories, but here are some things to know about me:

 

1. I'm extremely comfortable with moderate emotional connections, but I'm greatly freaked out by true emotional intimacy. I'm talking about close-range day-to-day stuff. When I was in relationships, I felt completely overwhelmed. I've literally never been my true self around anyone. Even my girlfriends only got to see about fifty percent of me.

 

2. Though I'm OK with some emotional stuff, I only really care about sex and view everything else as being extraneous.

 

3. I'm not a pursue-heavily, sweep-women-off-of-their-feet guy. When it comes to effort, I'm strictly a minimalist. I do fall for women very quickly, however, and I do have a tendency to put them on a pedestal, but I'm working on that.

 

See, I view the so-called "commitment-phobes" as not "afraid" of commitment per se, but what they are REALLY afraid of is committing to a woman (or man) and then coming across another woman (or man) they like better. So they fear having "buyer's remorse" rather than fear of being in a relationship only because they don't want to be tied down in case "something better" comes along.

 

I agree to an extent. They definitely have grass is greener syndrome. They're constantly on that search for perfection but never find it because the perfect partner dosnt exist. They will be searching for the next best thing forever.

[Wiseman2]

Have you read "He's Just Not Into You"?

Actually just finished reading "he's scared, she's scared"

[Sarahjb]

Very funny wisemen. For someone who's so wise you seem to spend the majority of your life replying to threads on dating forums maybe you should get out there and date yourself instead of typing away judging everybody else?

[Hermes]

Yeh. Sarah. About perfection.

 

They are unable to deal with what is called the "reality gap". In actual fact they are not "into" anyone. It's a process, a cycle, like a treadmill. Same for you, same for the ones before and will be the same for those after you.

[katrina1980]

Full disclosure here since we're all being so honest.

 

My parents had a crappy marriage (my dad cheated throughout)... and last December, I experienced the absolute worst and most painful breakup of my life, after six years being together.

 

I have had commitment issues in the past (same with two of my brothers), but resolved.

 

But now unfortunately, those fears seem to have crept up again... as I find myself rejecting men who DO want a RL with me, and also those who DON'T (for ironically not wanting a RL with me!)... even though I would reject them if they did.

 

Makes no sense but nothing does when it comes to "commitment phobia."

 

Bottom line, no man can "win" with me because I either do NOT want or am not ready for any sort of RL or commitment.

 

Even though in my heart of hearts I do crave emotional connection, but when it happens, I will push men away.

 

I have recently become aware of this pattern (since my b/up) and am working to resolve... I did once before so I have faith I can do again!

 

Oh and Sarah, I have read "He's Scared, She's Scared," it was my 'bible' at one point. Need to read it again!

[katrina1980]

Have you read "He's Just Not Into You"?

 

Wiseman I adore you, but that book is really nothing but a long list of "what to do/not do" for women who tend to be too needy and clingy.

 

It does NOT get to the "heart" the matter, that being these women need to figure out WHY they are so needy and clingy, and as such need to learn new behaviors, instead of resorting back to a bunch of "how to's" to attract men (at least according to the two men who authored it).

 

I am sure you have heard the saying:

 

"Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."

That book essentially gives women the "how to's" which is great for the short term, but it does not teach them or provide the necessary tools to succeed in the long term...so they are able to KNOW what to do for themselves.

[ThatwasThen]

I hope you've learned a lesson here, luv in that YOU be the one to distance yourself from men that speed you along on their "love trip." Whether he's a committed bachelor or a commitment phobe, we (the royal we) have to look after our own best interests and someone rushes is a red flag telling you to back away.

 

You'll go forth that much more dating savvy now. Good luck in your next romantic adventure.

[Wiseman2]

that book is really nothing but a long list of "what to do/not do" for women who tend to be too needy and clingy.

]

[Sarahjb]

I'm not needy or clingy in fact all through out the relationship he was the clingy one wanting to be with me all the time. Wanting to text 24/7 when we weren't together this started to get on my nerves. This is why I was completely shocked when he ended it abruptly. I'm not some naive little girl I know when someone says "not that into me" I've had relationshipsome where I've been dumped but there was always an issue or lack of chemistry SOMETHING. This guy when from being completely obsessed with me to the point it started to make me feel a little uneasy. Constantly sending praises my way. Then over night completely changing his mind out of nowhere saying he's not ready for a relationship when he was the one who pushed for it so much. The day before he ended it he was on the phone talking about booking a vacation. I was saying how we should go for the cheaper option for accommodation and he was like no way we're staying in a 5 star hotel.. that was the last conversation we hado before he ended it. In my eyes this is downright crazy behaviour and not normal at all its nothing to do with him "not being into me"

[Sarahjb]

Oh I definitely have. You live and learn

[boltnrun]

My ex talked to me about what we were going to do that upcoming weekend (which was the next day). A few hours later he sent me an email breaking up with me, saying he didn't want a girlfriend "right now".

 

Of course, he'd been having an affair with his nephew's fiancee and she'd given him an ultimatum...her or me. He chose her. He's still with her, although he's cheated on her constantly despite declaring his undying love for her.

 

BTW, he also loves me, also one of his other exes, etc.

[Sarahjb]

Full disclosure here since we're all being so honest.

 

My parents had a crappy marriage (my dad cheated throughout)... and last December, I experienced the absolute worst and most painful breakup of my life, after six years being together.

 

I have had commitment issues in the past (same with two of my brothers), but resolved.

 

But now unfortunately, those fears seem to have crept up again... as I find myself rejecting men who DO want a RL with me, and also those who DON'T (for ironically not wanting a RL with me!)... even though I would reject them if they did.

 

Makes no sense but nothing does when it comes to "commitment phobia."

 

Bottom line, no man can "win" with me because I either do NOT want or am not ready for any sort of RL or commitment.

 

Even though in my heart of hearts I do crave emotional connection, but when it happens, I will push men away.

 

I have recently become aware of this pattern (since my b/up) and am working to resolve... I did once before so I have faith I can do again!

 

Oh and Sarah, I have read "He's Scared, She's Scared," it was my 'bible' at one point. Need to read it again!

 

I'm so sorry to hear I hope you can work through your issues and wish you the best. I don't think commitment phobic people are bad I think that they themselfs are in pain and frustrated and live on fear of what could be

[katrina1980]

I'm not needy or clingy in fact all through out the relationship he was the clingy one wanting to be with me all the time. Wanting to text 24/7 when we weren't together this started to get on my nerves. This is why I was completely shocked when he ended it abruptly. I'm not some naive little girl I know when someone says "not that into me" I've had relationshipsome where I've been dumped but there was always an issue or lack of chemistry SOMETHING. This guy when from being completely obsessed with me to the point it started to make me feel a little uneasy. Constantly sending praises my way. Then over night completely changing his mind out of nowhere saying he's not ready for a relationship when he was the one who pushed for it so much. The day before he ended it he was on the phone talking about booking a vacation. I was saying how we should go for the cheaper option for accommodation and he was like no way we're staying in a 5 star hotel.. that was the last conversation we hado before he ended it. In my eyes this is downright crazy behaviour and not normal at all its nothing to do with him "not being into me"

 

Sarah, honestly girl, forget trying to figure out/analyze anyone who has these types of fears.

 

You never will, as they make NO sense whatsoever, even to them.

 

Bottom line, as much as he may think he wants a RL, when it looks like that is where it's heading, even though HE is he one who pushed for it, he will start to find flaws (keeping those flaws to himself of course) and then ultimately reject it AND you, leaving you confused and wondering what the HELL just happened!

 

It often comes out of the blue too when you least expect it.

 

Did you read my post? I am HIM to a certain extent except I don't pursue.

 

I will respond positively to a man's pursuit at first, but then end up finding something "wrong" and rejecting him.

 

I can't even be with men who DON'T want a RL, only wanting casual, and will reject them for that too.

 

There is NO rhyme or reason for any of it.

 

In my defense, at least I am aware of it and am taking strides to figure it out before I embark on dating/relationships again.

 

I am sick of running... and of hurting and disappointing, that takes its toll too.

 

I even tried running away from my ex at first (the six year guy) but he wouldn't let me. Of course HE had is own commitment issues too, which is probably why we were such a good match and were able to stay together for so long.

[katrina1980]

I'm so sorry to hear I hope you can work through your issues and wish you the best. I don't think commitment phobic people are bad I think that they themselfs are in pain and frustrated and live on fear of what could be

 

 

Thank you Sarah for the kind words, means a lot.

 

And you are right, I don't consider myself (or anyone with these fears) to be a "bad" person at all....to the contrary I have a huge heart and am extremely sensitive to the feelings of others. Always trying to help, even do volunteer work.

 

I am just screwed up in the RL department. At least right now I am.

 

What's ironic is that I am constantly preaching what a "healthy" RL looks like and advising others to strive for that and never settle for less.

 

Even though I am not even capable of having one myself! Well again, at least not at the moment.

 

If that is not the ultimate hypocrisy, I don't know what is.

[Sarahjb]

Sarah, honestly girl, forget trying to figure out/analyze anyone who has these types of fears.

 

You never will, as they make NO sense whatsoever, even to them.

 

Bottom line, as much as he may think he wants a RL, when it looks like that is where it's heading, even though HE is he one who pushed for it, he will start to find flaws (keeping those flaws to himself of course) and then ultimately reject it AND you, leaving you confused and wondering what the HELL just happened!

 

It often comes out of the blue too when you least expect it.

 

Did you read my post? I am HIM to a certain extent except I don't pursue.

 

I will respond positively to a man's pursuit at first, but then end up finding something "wrong" and rejecting him.

 

I can't even be with men who DON'T want a RL, only wanting casual, and will reject them for that too.

 

There is NO rhyme or reason for any of it.

 

In my defense, at least I am aware of it and am taking strides to figure it out before I embark on dating/relationships again.

 

I am sick of running... and of hurting and disappointing, that takes its toll too.

 

I even tried running away from my ex at first (the six year guy) but he wouldn't let me. Of course HE had is own commitment issues too, which is probably why we were such a good match and were able to stay together for so long.

 

You're right katrina I guess it's just good to vent and get it out of my system you know? It hurts alot especially when you really care about someone. He told me that he dosnt understand why he feels the way he does and that his head is messed up... and I know people use those BS lines while dumping people all the time but in this case I actually believe him....his head is really messed up and it shows in his actions. He said on paper I'm the perfect person and he's frustrated with himself for having these "doubts " and he dosnt want the pressure of a relationship. Then I flashbacked to the time he told me that his biggest FEAR was investing alot of time into someone only to be cheated on or left behind. Even when he was breaking up with me he seemed unsure if he wanted it or not. He'd tell me he misses me then not talk to me constantly blowing hot new cold. Telling me he wants to see me but when I remind him that this is actually what he wanted... he'd ignore me. It's supposed to be a common thing because they don't want to commit to not having you at all so the give you crumbs to keep you around cause they're always so conflicted. I went no contact for good. Do you ever regret any of the people who have let go? Not that I want him back i just want him to give a F...k lol or do you just feel relieved ?

[katrina1980]

You're right katrina I guess it's just good to vent and get it out of my system you know? It hurts alot especially when you really care about someone. He told me that he dosnt understand why he feels the way he does and that his head is messed up... and I know people use those BS lines while dumping people all the time but in this case I actually believe him....his head is really messed up and it shows in his actions. He said on paper I'm the perfect person and he's frustrated with himself for having these "doubts " and he dosnt want the pressure of a relationship. Then I flashbacked to the time he told me that his biggest FEAR was investing alot of time into someone only to be cheated on or left behind. Even when he was breaking up with me he seemed unsure if he wanted it or not. He'd tell me he misses me then not talk to me constantly blowing hot new cold. Telling me he wants to see me but when I remind him that this is actually what he wanted... he'd ignore me. It's supposed to be a common thing because they don't want to commit to not having you at all so the give you crumbs to keep you around cause they're always so conflicted. I went no contact for good.

 

Do you ever regret any of the people who have let go? Not that I want him back i just want him to give a F...k lol or do you just feel relieved ?

 

Yup it's a constant internal struggle and it's exhausting!

 

Yes of course I regret the guys I have let go. All the time!

 

At first I feel relief convincing myself of this or that, that I did the right thing.

 

But then after awhile, I realize it wasn't them at all, it was all me, and that's when the guilt starts.

 

Going through that right now as a matter of fact with a couple of guys I recently walked away from.

 

But unlike many who struggle with the same fears, I do not and WILL NOT attempt to re-connect.

 

It's actually very selfish to do that as I know if they were to respond positively and wish to see me again, I am self-aware enough to know the same thing would happen... and I will not put anyone through that.

 

It's mean, cruel actually. And selfish. And it messes people's heads up. The push/pull, hot/cold.

 

I am aware of that so WON'T do it. At least NOT until I work out my issues, but even after that I probably won't. Just start over with someone new and try not to run.

 

So Sarah, if I have any advice for you now, it's IF and when this guy contacts you again (and he will, he may even cry as bizarre as that may sound), making promises, saying he's changed or whatevs DO NOT go back with him.

 

Because the same exact thing will happen again... once the RL gets too close and/or committed, he, once again, will bolt.

 

You seem like a beautiful person and don't deserve that, no one does.

 

Best of luck as you move forward!

[Ms Darcy]

 

 

This is an interesting article and basically describes everything that happend to me down to a "T"

 

I think you should dig a bit deeper into that site. The author is great and has a lot of wonderful stuff.

 

More pointedly, she gets into the idea of looking closely at self. She says that if you find yourself dating emotionally unavailable men, it probably means that you are emotionally unavailable yourself.

 

That's something for you to think about.

 

Because when you were first describing your man, all I read were major red flags. What you did was completely infantilized yourself (he "talked" me into getting into a relationship) as if you had no power, say, or agency in the matter. A person with a healthy sense of self smells that kind of rushing and doesn't let someone penetrate their personal boundaries.

 

So, I think it may be more productive for you to do some internal work on owning your decisions, so that you can make better ones in the future, versus creating a mythology where you were the victim in this circumstance.

[Ms Darcy]

We know a player in his 60's that is still pulling chicks in their 30's because of his charm and wit. *shrugs* There is an exception to every rule. He was in 7th heaven when Online dating came on the scene and he could stop using "phone chat" to hook up.

 

OMG ... Is that a reference to Naomi and her doctor friend?

[Hermes]

Geeze, Ms. Darcy, please don't conjure up that again...lol

[Ms Darcy]

Very funny wisemen. For someone who's so wise you seem to spend the majority of your life replying to threads on dating forums maybe you should get out there and date yourself instead of typing away judging everybody else?

 

He has a valid point. I know of a couple of guys who "seemed" to be commitmentphobes (history of short relationships, rushing, etc) who actually did settle down in their 30s when they did find the "perfect" (in other words "perfect for them") girl. So, it DOES happen that maybe someone realizes that you weren't what they are genuinely looking for.

 

Just because not everyone agrees doesn't mean they are judging you. You have an opinion on his behavior. But it's not a proven. Others are just stating our opinions as well.