Do commitment phobes realise they have a problem? Or care about how they hurt pe

[Sportster2005]

Yeah but he did want a relationship that's the thing be rushed me into one when I wasn't so sure about him. He wanted to meet my family straight away and make me commit right away. I think commitment phobes want relationships but they also fear them which is why they sabotage them when things get serious. For me a player is someone who sleeps around someone else mentioned

 

I don't think it's a healthy exercise to try and put people in pigeon holes. The reality is, his poor behavior can fall into a whole bunch of personality disorders/traits/neurosis. And so what? Knowing does nothing helpful.

 

I would just look at it as another flake. Nothing more, nothing less. Move on. His self awareness, or lack of it, is irrelevant until he takes action to do something about it.

 

But if anyone is curious. I think he has a bad case of catch and release, which is a distant cousin of wanting what he can't have. He couldn't have you, so he wanted you. He caught you, the chase was over, time to release you. But again, so what? Just another arm chair psyobable diagnoses.

[tracyis300]

I don't believe he has a phobia, because he did commit to the relationship and then explained his reasoning on calling it quits.

He realized your worth, but doesn't see/know how beneficial you/he can be in the relationship moving forward. So he broke down and needed to get away.

Let's not call him "crazy" but that he just needs to figure things out?

[Sarahjb]

I don't believe he has a phobia, because he did commit to the relationship and then explained his reasoning on calling it quits.

He realized your worth, but doesn't see/know how beneficial you/he can be in the relationship moving forward. So he broke down and needed to get away.

Let's not call him "crazy" but that he just needs to figure things out?

 

But it's how fast he wanted to commit is what's worrying here. Wanting to rush things is a red flag and is usually a trait of a commitment phobe. They want it but run away from it and turn hot to cold out of nowhere when things are going good. I should have a degree in this by now lol

[dirkdaring]

Sarah, I love your OP. Didn't even realize it until I read your post, but that's EXACTLY what I just went through(check my thread).

 

Things were really, REALLY great at first. Talks about the future, how perfect and timely our connection was, how great I would be with her and her daughter, on and on.

Then, out of nowhere, she's suddenly distant. I could not figure out why. She had just been saying the greatest things, I treated her better and listened better and was there for her in ways no one else had ever been according to her --- and then, it seemed like I didn't exist.

She broke it off suddenly, and my self esteem plummeted because, just like you said, I thought it was something that I had done to lose her adoration. I also got the "I'm not ready for a relationship" and "it's not you it's me" and "I'm just in a strange mental place right now" quips. Also mentioned the "timing" thing like yours did(completely confusing when the rest of the time the "timing" was what was supposedly this amazing karmic positive.

 

Your post may have helped more than anything else I've read, on here or anywhere else, or even what my life coach has said. Thank you for the clarity, things make so much more sense now!

 

I've been reading a lot about commitment phobes/emotionally unavailable people lately and the story usually starts the same. These people pursue you like crazy, put you on a pedalstal, worship the ground you walk on , rush to help you out, do whatever it takes to win you're trust, talks about the future, rushes you into commiting to them (the irony). They're usually very charming and seductive. They're like salesmen in the dating world with a huge "win you over campaign". But if somthing seems too good to be true it usually is (note to self).

 

These people are all about the chase and not the catch they can't do the steadiness of a normal relationship theyre addicted to the honeymoon phase. They have the illusion of the perfect partner but the perfect partner dosnt actually exist people are flawed and have needs that need to be met. As soon as they realise you're a real person they look for a way out as fast as they looked for a way in. As soon as you expect them to live up the promises they made thry will pull the rug from beneath your feet. At the end of the relationship they will start nit picking at your every move looking for flaws because they want a reason to leave. It wouldn't matter if you were a megan fox look alike with amazing skills in the bedroom. They will find an issue to leave.

 

 

At that point you're self esteem will hit an all time low because you will think it's somthing that YOU did to lose all the adoration and wonder why they're feelings changed so suddenly. My ex broke up with me suddenly. ..there was no fights we always got on great and just a few days before he made me feel so special and adored it was so bizarre. I just got told "I'm not ready for a relationship sorry for rushing you into one" "my head is really messed up" (well atleast he's right about that)

 

 

I of course blamed myself. He must've felt guilty because he started to cry. When I asked him what's wrong he said "I made you think it was you". "It's not you believe me... you're the most caring person ever and I will never be able to get anyone as beautiful as you again" "apart of me just has doubts I barely slept in 2 weeks and I don't understand why I feel this way it wrecks my head" "I don't want the pressure of a relationship"

 

 

When I look back now there was red flags. I remember the day we put on Facebook we were in a relationship a girl messaged him saying "I thought you weren't ready for a relationship?". He obviously pulled the same stunt on her. He also mentioned that it was his biggest FEAR to invest alot of time in someone only for them to leave him or cheat on him. He also wanted to continue seeing me and act like we were in a relationship without the title and said maybe one day when the timing is better it could work. Typical commitment phobic person they can't commit to being with you but they can't commit to being without your either because they're very confused and frightened people who don't know what they want.

[Hermes]

"But it's how fast he wanted to commit is what's worrying here. Wanting to rush things is a red flag and is usually a trait of a commitment phobe. They want it but run away from it and turn hot to cold out of nowhere when things are going good."

 

Correct, Sarah.

 

A commitment phobe is NOT the same as the common or garden "jerk", the "loser", the "leader-on". But people get all this mixed up.

Then there is the confirmed bachelor, who may, or not, be a commitment phobe. There are actually, believe it or not, people who prefer to remain single.

 

However, if someone (man or woman) is aware that s/he is a commitment-phobe, then of course the honest thing is to announce this fact at the outset. I am referring here more to potential LTRs and such, not the swing me for tonight dating scene.

The commitment-phobe is often known to even enter an engagement to be married (yes!), and equally known for a) breaking off at last minute, or worse still b) not appearing at the venue/church/registry at all.

 

Next, it is not anyone's job to "fix" the commitment-phobe. But my heart sinks at the number of women who, fully aware that the individual is commitment-phobe, go right ahead, dive in, and will say, "Ah, but I know I'll be able to change him". "All that love I have to give will change him". Not a chance!

 

How self-delusional people are never fails to surprise me.

[Sarahjb]

"But it's how fast he wanted to commit is what's worrying here. Wanting to rush things is a red flag and is usually a trait of a commitment phobe. They want it but run away from it and turn hot to cold out of nowhere when things are going good."

 

Correct, Sarah.

 

A commitment phobe is NOT the same as the common or garden "jerk", the "loser", the "leader-on". But people get all this mixed up.

Then there is the confirmed bachelor, who may, or not, be a commitment phobe. There are actually, believe it or not, people who prefer to remain single.

 

However, if someone (man or woman) is aware that s/he is a commitment-phobe, then of course the honest thing is to announce this fact at the outset. I am referring here more to potential LTRs and such, not the swing me for tonight dating scene.

The commitment-phobe is often known to even enter an engagement to be married (yes!), and equally known for a) breaking off at last minute, or worse still b) not appearing at the venue/church/registry at all.

 

Next, it is not anyone's job to "fix" the commitment-phobe. But my heart sinks at the number of women who, fully aware that the individual is commitment-phobe, go right ahead, dive in, and will say, "Ah, but I know I'll be able to change him". "All that love I have to give will change him". Not a chance!

 

How self-delusional people are never fails to surprise me.

 

I agree and I will not try to change my ex or fix him he needs to figure out he has a problem on his own. If I had of known all the signs back when I first met him I would've ran for the hills not stick around. I still wish him the best and hope he finds happiness but it won't be with me.

[Hermes]

Yes, Sarah, that's the catch. The signs are rarely, if at all, there at the outset. But that's the case with a particular type of commitment-phobe, the one who has to hide behind that mask, in order to reel in the "other". In reality this type is not what we understand to be a commitment-phobe, but a different bird of prey altogether, with a severe psychological underpinning.

 

The "honest" commitment-phobe will say at the outset that he is not in for a LTR, marriage or anything remotely connected to a relationship as we understand it.

If s/he says that at the outset and the "other" wants to go ahead anyhow, come hell or high water, (thinking, as usual in these cases that their devotion will convert the commitment-phobe) then the "other" cannot wail and weep when the relationship goes nowhere.

[boltnrun]

Yes, but how many times do women (and men) hear "I don't want a relationship" but choose to continue on anyway, thinking they will be so gosh-darned awesome that the other person will "change"?? Or change their minds? OR, they start as "FWB", hoping the other person will be wowed by them and turn it into a real relationship. Or they accept the demotion from a relationship to sex friend, hoping if they stick around the other person will realize how much they are loved and change their minds.

 

I know you already mentioned this, Hermes, but it happens so often.

 

Of course, this "disclaimer" isn't always stated at the beginning, so it's up to us to tread carefully and not be so gobsmacked by the tons of attention and affection that's given in the beginning.

[katrina1980]

Yes, Sarah, that's the catch. The signs are rarely, if at all, there at the outset. But that's the case with a particular type of commitment-phobe, the one who has to hide behind that mask, in order to reel in the "other". In reality this type is not what we understand to be a commitment-phobe, but a different bird of prey altogether, with a severe psychological underpinning.

 

The "honest" commitment-phobe will say at the outset that he is not in for a LTR, marriage or anything remotely connected to a relationship as we understand it.

If s/he says that at the outset and the "other" wants to go ahead anyhow, come hell or high water, (thinking, as usual in these cases that their devotion will convert the commitment-phobe) then the "other" cannot wail and weep when the relationship goes nowhere.

 

This is an interesting post Hermes and if you (or Sarah or anyone else) wouldn't mind, would appreciate your thoughts on what I am about to post.

 

You say a "particular type of commitment-phobe." I didn't realize there were different types, but okay maybe there are.

 

I was talking about this last night with one of my good friends and I wonder now whether or not I do, in fact, have commitment issues. Or if it's something else.

 

I mean, I was very much committed to my ex (six years), we were even engaged which, even to my surprise, I was very excited about!

 

I was also very committed to my two previous ex's before him.

 

The thing that allowed me to develop these relationships (and long term too) was the fact we both allowed each other quite a bit a space.

 

I am a bit of an introvert, so lone time is super important to me, and all my bfs understood that about me so it worked.

 

Also they were extremely independent themselves and needed their lone time too, which I understood.

 

The guys I have rejected who wanted a RL with me were guys who encroached on my space, more than I was comfortable with, and were a bit needy (and insecure at times too although they tried to mask it), which turned me off. The encroachment on space thing was more important than anything else though.

 

The guys who I rejected who did NOT want a RL with me... well thinking back there were red flags there (games, mixed messages, etc) which sent my spiney senses into overdrive, so decided it best to move on.

 

So in retrospect, this may not be fear of commitment at all.... but simply a need for space (more than most) and guys not respecting that, OR guys who I felt were playing games or weren't all that into me, so deciding it best to walk away from that.

 

Thoughts?

[Hermes]

Being independent does not mean "commitment-phobe". Having/liking time to yourself does not mean "commitment-phobe" either. In fact both those stances are very healthy.

 

A commitment-phobe is a different species. There are some who may not have sufficient insight to see that is what they are (underlying serious psychological issues), and others who haven't the honesty to say at outset that they do not want commitment, not now, not next year not ever. Accordingly the person dating them must get it into her or his head that dating/good times is as far as its going to go.

There are cases where commitment-phobes have been coaxed, cajoled, manipulated and kind of bullied into matrimony, upon which they become what we call "bachelor husbands". By that I mean the certificate is there, the band on your finger, but he is still in his mind, a bachelor. And I do not mean by that that he will be playing the field. Not at all. He will simply paddle his own canoe as he did while a bachelor.

 

The confirmed bachelor is sometimes referred to as a commitment-phobe, but that is not quite accurate IMO.

 

In my book a confirmed bachelor is someone who hasn't married/in an LTR and who is 50+. If someone wants to be a confirmed bachelor, confirmed single, well that is a stance which must be respected.

 

In essence and in any case it's the upfront honesty which is the issue. And the equal insight on the part of the person dating such an individual that no way are they going to "convert" them.....

 

It is simple really.

 

Giving each other space, in any relationship, is paramount, and is healthy. It has nothing to do with being phobic towards commitment.

 

 

Meantimer:

 

 

Excerpt:

 

How to handle a commitment-phobe:

 

1. Don’t rush into bed with these types of men (or any men for that matter).

 

Especially the ones who are very charming and pursue ardently, as they are the ones to be most wary of.

 

2. Take your time.

 

Listen carefully to a man’s history, and leave him as soon as you recognize the behaviors before you get involved and hurt.

 

3. Beware if he tends to exclude you from other areas of his life.

 

4. If you get involved before seeing the behaviors, set the pace.

 

Don’t allow him to set the pace.

 

5. Act like you don’t need him.

 

Stay independent and non-wife like.

 

6. Realize that your love and attention won’t change him.

 

But not needing him and giving him space might.

 

7. Believe what he does, not what he says.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

8. Don’t expect a committed relationship; be prepared to take the relationship for what it is.

 

These types of men are best treated as occasional lovers rather than potential partners. Don’t rely on having a relationship with them. If you do, you will never feel emotionally safe or satisfied. You will be left confused, bewildered, angry and hurt.

 

9. Don’t cut yourself off from dating other men.

 

Keep your options open as it's highly likely he isn't saving himself for you, nor can he ever give you what you want, need and deserve.

 

10. Don’t find excuses for his behavior.

 

11. Evaluate whether he wants to change and whether he's capable of changing.

 

Some men will fall into this category but most won’t. Also evaluate how patient you are.

 

12. Learn from the experience.

 

Don’t think it was your fault when a commitment phobic relationship ends, but learn from it. Make sure you don’t get involved with one of these types of men again. Watch carefully for the behaviors.

 

13. Take care of yourself first.

 

There's a high chance this man won’t be there for you when you really need him, despite his sweet words when he's in the mood.

 

14. If you're continually attracting commitment phobics, you may need coaching to get different results.

 

 

 

[Sarahjb]

Honestly I'd much rather them say they're not ready for a relationship or looking for anything serious at the start. If I continued to try and make him commit after that and it didn't work in my favour well the joke would be on me... but in this case I feel really decived I saw no signs at all. I would've laughed if someone said he was a commitment phobes considering how much he wanted me to commit straight away. Now aftet reading books about it I know better because apparently they're master manipulaters or in some cases they really want a relationship yet they fear it. Honestly this whole situation just makes me want to stay single cause so many people have alot of physiological BS going on lol at the end of the day we're all a little f**ked up 😂😂

[Sarahjb]

This is an interesting post Hermes and if you (or Sarah or anyone else) wouldn't mind, would appreciate your thoughts on what I am about to post.

 

You say a "particular type of commitment-phobe." I didn't realize there were different types, but okay maybe there are.

 

I was talking about this last night with one of my good friends and I wonder now whether or not I do, in fact, have commitment issues. Or if it's something else.

 

I mean, I was very much committed to my ex (six years), we were even engaged which, even to my surprise, I was very excited about!

 

I was also very committed to my two previous ex's before him.

 

The thing that allowed me to develop these relationships (and long term too) was the fact we both allowed each other quite a bit a space.

 

I am a bit of an introvert, so lone time is super important to me, and all my bfs understood that about me so it worked.

 

Also they were extremely independent themselves and needed their lone time too, which I understood.

 

The guys I have rejected who wanted a RL with me were guys who encroached on my space, more than I was comfortable with, and were a bit needy (and insecure at times too although they tried to mask it), which turned me off. The encroachment on space thing was more important than anything else though.

 

The guys who I rejected who did NOT want a RL with me... well thinking back there were red flags there (games, mixed messages, etc) which sent my spiney senses into overdrive, so decided it best to move on.

 

So in retrospect, this may not be fear of commitment at all.... but simply a need for space (more than most) and guys not respecting that, OR guys who I felt were playing games or weren't all that into me, so deciding it best to walk away from that.

 

Thoughts?

 

I think people confuse players with commitment phobes. A player is someone who doesn't want to be tied down and likes to sleep around and will probably let you know that they're not looking for a relationship or anything serious and I don't think they're commitment phobes they will probably settle down when they're "ready" and got all of that sleeping around out of therir system. I think REAL commitment phobes really want that closeness and intimacy with someone (which is why they may rush into thing at the start) but they also fear it and it causes them alot of anxiety thinking about he future and what could go wrong, fear of been abanded ect and I think it comes from they're own insecurities so they go into defence mode to protect themselfs and look for flaws in the other person.

[katrina1980]

 

Being independent does not mean "commitment-phobe". Having/liking time to yourself does not mean "commitment-phobe" either. In fact both those stances are very healthy.

 

Giving each other space, in any relationship, is paramount, and is healthy. It has nothing to do with being phobic towards commitment.

 

 

Thanks Hermes!

 

The reason I started questioning it was because I nexted a man two days ago (Saturday night) who suggested that I might have C issues ... which others have accused me of also.

 

Mostly my family, as I have been engaged twice and broke them both off (the first one cause I didn't feel we were a good match, and my recent ex because he became addicted to meth and coke which warrants no more explanation than that).

 

It's comforting to know that may not be the case after all.... thanks again!

[Hermes]

Not really.

 

".....at the end of the day we're all a little f**ked up"

 

Well adjusted people do not carry on like that. However, quite a goodly percentage of the population has psychological or mental illness issues. Naturally they try to mask these issues as they know that they will be shunned, as far as relationships go.

[katrina1980]

Not really.

 

".....at the end of the day we're all a little f**ked up"

 

Well adjusted people do not carry on like that. However, quite a goodly percentage of the population has psychological or mental illness issues. Naturally they try to mask these issues as they know that they will be shunned, as far as relationships go.

 

Who/what was this post in response to?

[Hermes]

Sarah......

[Sarahjb]

Not really.

 

".....at the end of the day we're all a little f**ked up"

 

Well adjusted people do not carry on like that. However, quite a goodly percentage of the population has psychological or mental illness issues. Naturally they try to mask these issues as they know that they will be shunned, as far as relationships go.

 

Well another ex of mine was a controlling abusive physco path (not physically but abusive ) when I met this guy he seemed like the complete opposite and he seemed to have his life really together and just really normal.... but now I realise I don't know as much as I thought I did and there's all different types of crazy it scares me

[Hermes]

Always watch out for too good to be true, or "too sweet to be wholesome".

 

Also think "Mask of Sanity".

 

These people have to present what is referred to as a "normal" facade. What they think others want to see. Problem is: they overdo the "normal" stuff. They are "too good, too nice, too everything".

 

So, they mirror, they project, they make up stories, they are pathological liars.

 

there's this

 

Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

by Steven Carter (Author), Julia Sokol (Author)

[Wiseman2]

]

[Ms Darcy]

Well another ex of mine was a controlling abusive physco path (not physically but abusive ) when I met this guy he seemed like the complete opposite and he seemed to have his life really together and just really normal.... but now I realise I don't know as much as I thought I did and there's all different types of crazy it scares me

 

I think this highlights for me the oft forgotten point. When you are having unhealthy relationships, it's helpful to look at the common denominator (you). I have a couple of gfs who are constantly in terrible relationships (and getting dumped). It's apparent to everyone but them what's going on.

 

At age 20/21, if you have two very very unhealthy relationships under your belt, I would strongly suggest you consider at least a few therapy sessions. I don't think you are going to get much insight here on the role you play (because we all do) without writing a whole journal.

[chitown9]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[chitown9]

This is an interesting post Hermes and if you (or Sarah or anyone else) wouldn't mind, would appreciate your thoughts on what I am about to post.

 

You say a "particular type of commitment-phobe." I didn't realize there were different types, but okay maybe there are.

 

I was talking about this last night with one of my good friends and I wonder now whether or not I do, in fact, have commitment issues. Or if it's something else.

 

I mean, I was very much committed to my ex (six years), we were even engaged which, even to my surprise, I was very excited about!

 

I was also very committed to my two previous ex's before him.

 

The thing that allowed me to develop these relationships (and long term too) was the fact we both allowed each other quite a bit a space.

 

I am a bit of an introvert, so lone time is super important to me, and all my bfs understood that about me so it worked.

 

Also they were extremely independent themselves and needed their lone time too, which I understood.

 

The guys I have rejected who wanted a RL with me were guys who encroached on my space, more than I was comfortable with, and were a bit needy (and insecure at times too although they tried to mask it), which turned me off. The encroachment on space thing was more important than anything else though.

 

The guys who I rejected who did NOT want a RL with me... well thinking back there were red flags there (games, mixed messages, etc) which sent my spiney senses into overdrive, so decided it best to move on.

 

So in retrospect, this may not be fear of commitment at all.... but simply a need for space (more than most) and guys not respecting that, OR guys who I felt were playing games or weren't all that into me, so deciding it best to walk away from that.

 

Thoughts?

 

I agree with your anaysis. I do not believe that your are commitment phobic, and in fact, I believe that the type of relationship that works for you is a healthy relationship in which each person has their own separate interests and live independently from each other, but come together also at times for certain occasions. chi

[Sarahjb]

I think this highlights for me the oft forgotten point. When you are having unhealthy relationships, it's helpful to look at the common denominator (you). I have a couple of gfs who are constantly in terrible relationships (and getting dumped). It's apparent to everyone but them what's going on.

 

At age 20/21, if you have two very very unhealthy relationships under your belt, I would strongly suggest you consider at least a few therapy sessions. I don't think you are going to get much insight here on the role you play (because we all do) without writing a whole journal.

 

 

I think my problem is I have a very soft/gentle personality and I trust to easily. These kind of Jerks can sense that from miles away and see me as the perfect target. The abusive guy that I spoke of was very controlling. I was only 17 when I got with him and he was my first boyfriend. I had nothing to compare him to and started to think his behaviour was normal. After a year I eventually started to wake up and realise how unhealthy this was and I left and never looked back

[Hollyj]

I've been reading a lot about commitment phobes/emotionally unavailable people lately and the story usually starts the same. These people pursue you like crazy, put you on a pedalstal, worship the ground you walk on , rush to help you out, do whatever it takes to win you're trust, talks about the future, rushes you into commiting to them (the irony). They're usually very charming and seductive. They're like salesmen in the dating world with a huge "win you over campaign". But if somthing seems too good to be true it usually is (note to self).

 

These people are all about the chase and not the catch they can't do the steadiness of a normal relationship theyre addicted to the honeymoon phase. They have the illusion of the perfect partner but the perfect partner dosnt actually exist people are flawed and have needs that need to be met. As soon as they realise you're a real person they look for a way out as fast as they looked for a way in. As soon as you expect them to live up the promises they made thry will pull the rug from beneath your feet. At the end of the relationship they will start nit picking at your every move looking for flaws because they want a reason to leave. It wouldn't matter if you were a megan fox look alike with amazing skills in the bedroom. They will find an issue to leave.

 

 

At that point you're self esteem will hit an all time low because you will think it's somthing that YOU did to lose all the adoration and wonder why they're feelings changed so suddenly. My ex broke up with me suddenly. ..there was no fights we always got on great and just a few days before he made me feel so special and adored it was so bizarre. I just got told "I'm not ready for a relationship sorry for rushing you into one" "my head is really messed up" (well atleast he's right about that)

 

 

I of course blamed myself. He must've felt guilty because he started to cry. When I asked him what's wrong he said "I made you think it was you". "It's not you believe me... you're the most caring person ever and I will never be able to get anyone as beautiful as you again" "apart of me just has doubts I barely slept in 2 weeks and I don't understand why I feel this way it wrecks my head" "I don't want the pressure of a relationship"

 

 

When I look back now there was red flags. I remember the day we put on Facebook we were in a relationship a girl messaged him saying "I thought you weren't ready for a relationship?". He obviously pulled the same stunt on her. He also mentioned that it was his biggest FEAR to invest alot of time in someone only for them to leave him or cheat on him. He also wanted to continue seeing me and act like we were in a relationship without the title and said maybe one day when the timing is better it could work. Typical commitment phobic person they can't commit to being with you but they can't commit to being without your either because they're very confused and frightened people who don't know what they want.

 

You dated my ex.

 

Take this as a blessing. The experience was life changing!!!!! I finally established boundaries and no longer ignore red flags. I now have a much better quality of people in my life, and am much happier.

 

Learn from the experience. You deserve better. I know I do!

[katrina1980]

I agree with your anaysis. I do not believe that your are commitment phobic, and in fact, I believe that the type of relationship that works for you is a healthy relationship in which each person has their own separate interests and live independently from each other, but come together also at times for certain occasions. chi

 

Thank you but if truth be told.... if I told you the amount of "space" I actually need to be comfortable you may not think that's so healthy. LOL

 

Fortunately though, all my bf's "got" me (eventually anyway) so it worked out.